When I wake up the next morning I know something’s wrong. As the details of the night before trickle back in through my foggy morning brain and blissed out post-sex body I panic. What fucked up this time? Shit, where’s Annika?? Abruptly I realize that what’s off this time is that Annika’s nowhere to be seen.

Fuck!

I scramble out of bed, dragging on shorts and pulling on a tee shirt while grabbing for my phone. Nothing. I scan the room, lingering on the pile of clothing by the bed. I spare a moment to flip through some highlights in my memories of last night, grateful that this time I have memories… her insanely soft skin, her unexpected tenderness, how out of control we both get. It was so good, then even better the second time. So where the fuck is she?

I text her as I stumble downstairs. I can’t imagine she’s there, but I have to check. Instead I find Geoff crashed out on the sofa, but awake enough to smirk at me.

“Well, aren’t you a lucky dog! So the Russian hottie is open for business again, huh? Any better this time? Maybe I’ll try again too.”

I’m cool so I only yank him up off the sofa and shake him hard instead of punching him in the face.

“You fucking asshole! If you said even one word to her I’ll kick your ass!” I lean in close enough to tell he reeks of beer and cigarette smoke. Suddenly the whole scene disgusts me—the noise that keeps me from working here, the booze, the “brothers” who are nothing like friends.

“The fuck, Matt? Get your hands off me! She’s a bitch, you know that!” Geoff splutters as his face goes red. Then I do punch him and it feels good.

“Did you speak to her?”

Geoff is howling and holding his nose. “I’m gonna report this! You’re in deep shit, Troubridge!”

“Did you speak to her?” I shake him, losing patience.

“No, asshole! She ran out of here like the house was on fire!” He glares at me.

I release him, but hold his gaze. “Don’t ever speak to her again. Or about her. Do you understand me? AND SHE’S NOT RUSSIAN!” I’m as furious as I’ve ever been in my life.

“Whatever, crazy ass! This is going before the disciplinary board and I’m going to get you sanctioned and kicked out, motherfucker!” He looks as smug as he can while holding his bloody nose.

“Whatever,” I echo and shrug as I turn away. “I’m resigning.”

“Whaaat?”

I realize now there are a few guys behind me, watching this showdown.

“I’m done. Effective immediately. See ya,” I tell them, stalking back up the stairs. And I feel relieved. I’ll be a senior next year and I won’t have time for this crap. I hear whispers and rumbling behind me, as well as loud threats and insults from Geoff, but I tune them out to re-check my phone.

There’s one new message: Didn’t mean to alarm you. It was a great do-over. But now it’s over.

My heart almost stops and I make myself pause before answering her, dropping onto the edge of my bed and hanging my head in my hands. Think! I know I’m supposed to be the smooth one but it’s a huge effort to manage a light tone.

Are you giving me the brush off BY TEXT?

Umm...?

That’s not how it’s done, Anni. Meet me for breakfast.

No.

Yes.

No! See you in class—

What? I take a deep breath and plunge ahead.

You’re worrying me.

??

I need to know you’re okay.

There’s a long pause after my last text and it’s agonizing. I’m such a mess that I hardly recognize myself. I swing wildly between exhilaration at the night I had with her and desperation to have it again—all of it. The talking, the teasing, the togetherness along with the hot sex. But this is Annika and I’m so screwed.

Finally she responds.

I’m good. So are you. But we’re not good together. We know that.

This flays some raw part of me, but I refuse to have this conversation by text, goddammit!

I’m coming over.

* * *

When I get to her dorm Annika’s sitting quietly on the steps, and my pulse races at the sight. It’s finally gotten milder and she’s wearing her usual jeans with a sleeveless top that bares her toned arms and shoulders. Her hair is back in a ponytail and her neck entices me. Her face is as heart-stoppingly beautiful as ever. Her expression, though, is pale and shuttered.

I hold out my hand when I reach her. “Let’s walk.”

To my relief she takes my hand and lets me pull her to standing, swaying slightly. We both take a second to collect ourselves, then turn toward the quad, where students are already playing Frisbee and drinking coffees under the trees. She drops my hand as soon as we approach other people.

“You scared the shit out of me,” I say, though that wasn’t in my game plan. My game plan was to smooth-talk her into another date, then another, then another, then….

She hangs her head. “I said I was sorry,” she mumbles.

This is so unlike Annika that it throws me. What should I say? What does she want? We start walking around the quad in an aimless circle. With a deep breath I take a plunge.

“Last night was amazing, Annika. But the morning was maybe the most important part of the do-over and you fled. Why?”

“Consider the morning done. We’ll agree it was a success. Game over.” Her voice is tight and I can’t figure her out.

“You’re not being fair,” I start, but she whirls on me, cutting me off.

“No, I’m not. I’m a bitch, remember? You shouldn’t let a little sex distract you from that!”

I study her, frowning. “A little sex?” I repeat slowly. “Annika, last night wasn’t just sex, though the sex was incredible. You must get that!”

Now she frowns. “I have nothing to compare it to,” she hedges, looking away.

And I’m caught by my tenderness for her inexperience, my irrational satisfaction that her sexual experience is all mine, and my intense frustration with her. Why is nothing with her ever easy? Except sex, I admit, which feels natural and inevitable and…right.

“Then let’s give you more data points,” I say easily, smiling as smoothly as I can when my feelings are in utter turmoil.

She stiffens and her eyes narrow. “Yes, I should really date more. Sleep with other people—I mean ‘sleep with’ as in ‘fuck’. Good idea.”

Aaannnd I lose it. I pull her into the shade of the nearest tree and haul her against me. I tug at her ponytail so her face lifts to mine and her lovely eyes widen. And darken. I know that expression now. She opens her mouth to snark at me and I swoop in. And the kiss is as good as it always is—painfully intense and sweet and hot. And her nails dig into my back, lighting me up.

Then she pulls away. “Don’t!” She sounds breathless and looks unnerved. “This isn’t right—we fight too much and people will talk again!”

“This isn’t fighting, Anni! This is foreplay!” I growl and she winces. I pull her hips against mine so she can feel how turned on I am. I’m struggling to hold onto my control.

“Tell me you don’t enjoy this!” I lean down and bite her neck, feeling her flinch and moan. “This is us. Accept it!”

She’s already shaking her head. “I don’t accept it. And I don’t like this sneaking around.” She scans our surroundings anxiously. “I’ve made a big project out of forcing you to be honest and authentic and now I’m making you lie and pretend,” she whispers. “I won't do it.”

That gives me pause. “Don’t be silly, Anni—I’m more myself with you than I even knew myself. The way I am with you— this—” I wave a hand over us, watching her intently. “—is real,” I finish. She’s got to believe that!

But she shakes her head. “Maybe. But you’re still hiding. We’re hiding, Matt. That can’t be right. This whole thing—right from the start, from That Night—has been driven by shame, by embarrassment. The do-over was great but it doesn’t erase the past.”

I run a hand over my face, at a loss. “Okay. So now we stop hiding and stop feeling ashamed and accept this—I don’t care about being seen with you in public! I’m not ashamed of you or of us! You know that, Annika—that’s all you. But the solution isn’t to avoid it. It’s to accept it and get over the embarrassment.”

I’m floundering and I know it, but I’m unprepared and way over my head here.

She shakes her head, looking sad now. “I can’t face that again, Matt. You wanted a do-over and you got one. It was great.” Her voice is shaking and I reach for her again, but she takes a deep breath and a step back. “But I never meant for it to be more than that.”

I stare at her, stupefied.

“But—” I don’t know what to say to that. “That’s just—”

I shake my head to clear it. She’s backing away from me and I feel desperate and out of tricks. Then anger starts seeping back in and it feels familiar.

“Are you kidding me?” I hardly recognize my voice, which is more like a growl. “You used me!” I glare at her. “You used me to get rid of your virginity and now you’re dropping me! Sound familiar?” My head is throbbing like it might explode from all this drama and feelings and shit.

Wincing, Annika just keeps shaking her head like she’s shaking me off, shaking me right out of her life again. No fucking way! Her eyes dart around nervously like someone will see or hear us. Then, without another word, she turns and walks away.