Bad idea. Bad, bad, bad! I repeat that to myself as I stomp through the snowy quad to get back to my room, wanting to kick or punch or smash something. But who am I kidding? Kissing Annika was hardly an idea. It was more of an instinct, an impulse, a necessity…. I get to my house and slam the front door behind me, startling several of the new guys playing video games in the living room. Several heads turn to stare at me.

“What?” I yell at them, then take the stairs two at a time up to my room, where I just find more memories of Annika. I slam my bedroom door too, just for good measure, and try to slow my racing heart rate so I can think about this. Think about what to do. After all, until the end of the term we’re partners.

And I’m still turned on and I don’t want to think about Annika while I’m jerking off and how could I not and…. Fucking hell!

The next morning is not much better. I’m less angry but still unsettled. I’m deep in my own head as I start up the coffeemaker, then drop onto a kitchen stool to wait for my caffeine. I need every drop of clarity I can get.

Geoff saunters into the kitchen, singing. It’s too damn early for that so I glare at him. Things have been tense in the house ever since the Clusterfuck.

“The bitch, the bitch, the bitch is back….” He’s just gotten louder. The other guys in the kitchen snicker and nudge each other like middle schoolers.

“Shut the fuck up.”

His eyebrows rise up high. “Yup. She must be back because you’re back to being a dick again.”

My eyes narrow. He can’t be talking about….

Geoff leans against the doorframe like he has all the time in the world. “Valerie told me that Russian bitch’s stalking you now.”

What the everloving fuck?? I have to clamp my jaw shut to keep from yelling because that’s what he wants.

“You can’t be talking about Annika.” I emphasize her name. “Because she isn’t Russian.” I fold my arms across my chest and try to look calm. There’s more snickering around the room and this feels all too familiar. This shit needs to get settled.

“Did Valerie also tell you she’s the one who got Annika put in my class? She lied about Annika bullying her. She spread those rumors last year….”

I watch Geoff’s smug face and I realize the obvious. “You did too,” I marvel. “The two of you did everything you could to make her life a living hell since then.” I consider him. “I know Val feels jealous and threatened. But you did all that just because she turned you down? Really? That’s low, even for you.”

His ugly mug turns red. “You defend her? After the shit she pulled on you? Man, she must be a freak in bed.” He turns to leave but I’m up and shoving him against the wall. I glance around the room and there are three or four guys staring, looking uneasy. Good.

“I want you to listen to me so I can make something clear to your tiny brain. Nothing happened that night. I never slept with Annika. So shut your big fat maw and stop talking about her. Not another goddamn word. To me. To them. To anyone.”

I make sure to scan the whole room so they all know I’m serious before releasing Geoff. His face is blotchy.

“You must have it bad, man. Good luck with that,” he sneers.

When he leaves the room all I can hear is my own heart pounding. No one says anything. They never say anything. Is that how it’s always been? Shit goes down and no one protests? It’s like looking in a fun house mirror and I don’t like it at all.

* * *

I have afternoon classes but I cut them, which is unlike me. I’m confused, which is also unlike me. It’s like a Backwards Day from hell. I head for the coffeehouse to think for a while but as soon as I get there I realize what I discovered last night. There’s no privacy there, especially for me since I am so damned popular. People keep trying to talk to me. Girls keep trying to sit at my table, or on my lap. What kind of crap world is it that all that gossip made me more popular and Annika into a pariah? And why haven’t I noticed until now?

So again, I end up in the library, where I spread out my stuff over a corner table to discourage any comers and stare into space for a while. I wonder about my values, who I am, what I want… it’s corny and unsettling.

I try to think of anyone I can talk to, but no one comes to mind. This isn’t about sports or sex or grades or parents…and those are pretty much all the topics of conversation among my teammates and frat brothers. Really the only person I can think of to talk to is Annika herself. I take out my phone to text her, because I can’t avoid her forever anyway, then pause. What would I say? I’m sorry my world is fucked up and you got caught in it? That I kinda sorta understand why she responded in kind? But then what can I say about that kiss…?

“Hey, Matt.”

I look up and it’s a guy I recognize from Marjorie’s class. But, shit, I can’t remember his name. I just remember he’s partnered with the redheaded girl who jumps up and down a lot.

“Noah,” he prompts, without resentment. He pushes his glasses up with one hand, shifting the load of books he’s carrying.

“Sorry,” I mumble. Because that’s the word of the day. Or week. Or year.

“It’s okay. What are you doing here?” He makes a gesture as if surveying his domain.

“Uh. Thinking?”

He nods again. “This corner’s great for thinking. See you in class.” He starts to move away.

“Hey! You work here?”

He pauses before he speaks, considering me. “Yeah. I work here. And I think here. This is the PA section of the stacks.” After a pause he seems to get that maybe not everyone has memorized the Library of Congress classification system.

“Classics,” he explains. Again there’s this nod around the surrounding stacks and tables, as if they belong to him.

“Classics,” I repeat stupidly. When I glance around sure enough the shelves are full of little green hardcover books that say Loeb Classical Library.

“I never really got why someone would want to learn a language no one speaks.” I catch myself. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to be rude.”

Noah shrugs and rests his books on the table. “Other people are baffling.”

“That’s for sure.”

“How’s it going with Annika?”

“Why?” I ask warily. Is it that obvious??

“You two draw a lot of attention.”

“You mean those old rumors? I….”

He cuts me off, waving a hand. “No. I never hear gossip. I just mean you fight in class.” He drops into a chair across from me.

I relax a little. “It’s a strange class. How’s it going with your partner?”

It’s Noah’s turn to tense up. “Holly. Yeah. She’s great. But it’s hard to keep up with her.” His tone is serious and I’m not sure what to make of it. Or him.

So I ask. “What do you mean?”

“She’s just…not like me. Or I’m not like her. Both.” He hesitates and I can almost see him thinking. “It’s easier that way, maybe. We’re not so similar that we fight all the time, like you and Annika. We’re not alike but we get along great.”

I laugh and focus on the only part of that I really care about. “Annika and I aren’t alike!”

“Okay.”

“We’re really not! I get along with everyone. She’s the one who’s cantankerous.”

“Good word,” Noah nods in approval. “Belligerent is better, maybe, because it’s got a Latin root.”

I shake my head and have to smile. “Not the same thing. Belligerent is war-like. Cantankerous is more…cranky. Annika likes a good argument, yeah, but she’s more cranky than war-like. It’s kind of cute sometimes.”

I want to retract that as soon as it leaves my mouth, and look at Noah uneasily, waiting for a ton of shit to fall on me. But it doesn’t.

“What’s she so cranky about?” he asks, sounding genuinely curious. By now he’s stretched out in his chair too.

I sigh. “Me.” Before I know it I’m telling him the whole sordid story. Noah listens without interrupting and again he surprises me. No talking shit, no mocking, no attitude. When I’m done he’s very quiet.

“You guys need a do-over. But I should get back to work.” He gathers his books.

“Huh? But what do you think I should do?” I’m annoyed at myself for sounding so pathetic.

“You’re doing it. Think. But Annika?” He shakes his head. “She needs a friend.”

I feel a sudden urge to be that friend, which is ridiculous.

“Not you,” Noah says, and it’s annoying how tuned in he is. “She doesn’t trust you. I’ll mention it to Holly though, if you think that’s a good idea. She’s a great friend.”

I exhale a sigh of relief. Yeah. That would make me feel a lot better about the Valerie shit. “That could work. Annika definitely needs a girl friend.”

Noah nods as he moves away. “Yeah. Girls are better at this stuff. Hope things look up for you.”

“Thanks, man.” I gather my stuff too because it’s time for soccer practice and I’m not going to blow that off. In fact, running around in circles sounds like just what I need right now.