Darcy

Just like before anyone can hear the rumble of thunder or see the rain, it’s possible to tell a storm is coming, I knew that the next time I saw Logan, he would be bringing bad news. As I stood in the doorway, waving Scarlett, Ryder and the children off, I remembered the last time I’d been here. In the rain. Logan had arrived with marshmallows. But this evening was hot and humid. There was no need for fires. No reason for marshmallows.

I closed the door, took a mug of steaming-hot tea and sat in the library, waiting for him. Usually, I’d hear his helicopter over Woolton as he made his way into London on a Monday morning, but I hadn’t heard it today and didn’t expect to.

He’d said we’d speak when Scarlett and Ryder had left and I knew he’d turn up.

Normally, if I had been expecting Logan, I would have told Lane that I’d answer the door, but not today. If I was going to be disappointed, I wanted it to happen in here, where I felt safe and protected from the world. Bad news was threatening on the horizon and the library was my shelter.

I closed my eyes as I heard the expected knock, then the mumble of voices.

I took a deep breath when Logan came straight in.

“Hi,” he said. “Is now a good time?”

I shrugged as I sat back in the green leather chair, clutching my tea. He closed the door behind him and slid his hands into his pockets as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t want to talk about the weather or his weekend or Ryder and Scarlett. Whatever was coming, I wanted it over with.

He pulled the chair nearest mine slightly closer and perched on the edge of the seat. Seconds ticked by, but I didn’t say anything, didn’t try to make either of us more comfortable by talking about something and nothing. I didn’t want to make this easy for him. I wouldn’t ask him what was wrong or give him any kind of in.

“Do you have something to tell me?” he asked.

My heart lifted in my chest and I met his eyes for the first time. Had I read him wrong? If he was here to ask me something, then perhaps he wasn’t about to deliver bad news. “No. Nothing in particular.”

“Darcy,” he said, as if he knew I was hiding something.

I searched his face, trying to figure out what I was missing. “What? You seem to have something to say to me.”

“I found the test,” he said.

I could pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but the image of Aurora and me peering at the white stick flashed into my head. How had he seen the test? Had he been snooping? “Oh, right. I was going to tell you, I just—”

“I’ll support you in whatever decision you make. Financially. But I can’t be a father. It’s not who I am.”

I tried to make sense of what he was saying. “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. The test was negative.”

He pulled back as if someone had punched him. “But I saw the test.”

“I don’t know which test you saw, but the one I took—the two, in fact—they were both negative.”

He blew out a breath and pushed his hands through his hair. “I see.”

I scooted forward on my chair and placed my cup next to me on the side table. “Is that why you were so weird with me at the party? You thought I was pregnant?” This was all some terrible misunderstanding. Now that he knew, this weirdness between us could disappear and we could get back to normal.

“You should have told me you were concerned. That you thought you might be,” he said.

“I was just triple-checking. We’re always careful, and it’s not unusual for me to be late if I’m stressed. It was no big deal. I would have told you eventually.”

He’d been really worried about this. For no reason. He should have just said something and I could have put his mind to rest days ago. I leaned over and placed my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry you got a scare.”

Abruptly he stood, moving away from my hand. “Darcy, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what? I’m not pregnant. Nothing’s changed.”

He reached around his head and scratched his neck. “Everything’s changed. I’m sorry. I’m not the right man for you. You deserve someone who wants to get married and have children, and I can’t give you those things.”

Even though I’d been prepared for something, I hadn’t been expecting this—or maybe I had, but I hadn’t thought it would feel this heavy, this hurtful.

I took a few steadying breaths. We just had to be logical. Practical. I would talk him around. “And when did you decide this?”

“You’ve always known that’s not me. We both got into this knowing it was temporary. I let it go on too long.”

Each word was like a blade slicing through my skin. “And now temporary is over? Just like that?”

“It had to end sometime.”

“Says who?” Could it really be that easy for him? “So, you don’t feel anything?”

“It’s not that I don’t care about you, but we want different things. It’s senseless to carry on when—”

“When we’re so happy? Because I know you are. And I know I am. So why give that up?”

He closed his eyes as if trying to block out the truth of my words. “We want different things. We deserve different things.”

I’d never felt so connected to someone, so completely in tune with a man. I wanted him. I wanted everything with him. “I don’t think that’s true. How can we want different things if we’re so happy when we’re together?”

“I can’t give you what you need.” He wasn’t answering my questions. As if he didn’t want to reveal any chink in his armor. The more I pushed, the more he retreated, and I could feel the growing distance between us as if he were in a jet, taking off, and he’d left me on the ground, watching him go. I was helpless, powerless.

Panic ran through my veins. I wanted him to come back to me, change his mind. Remember what we were to each other just a few days ago. “I want to spend every night with you, want to tell you everything that’s going on in my head. I love you.”

He closed his eyes. “Don’t.”

“Don’t? Don’t be truthful? We might have started off temporary, but that’s not what it feels like to me.” We’d spent so much time together, been so happy. Had it all been a lie?

“I let things extend…I…” I wanted him to finish his thought, tell me that he’d let things go on because he’d enjoyed our time together, loved me. But he didn’t. “And better now than…”

“Than when?” But I knew the answer. When next time, the test wasn’t negative.

He sighed and bowed his head. “This has clarified things for me. I’ve never wanted to be a father and that’s not going to change. You deserve someone who wants the same things you do. Someone who…”

“Isn’t afraid to love me?” I finished for him.

“It’s not about being afraid—I just can’t give you what you want,” he said, staring into the empty hearth where just a few weeks ago we’d toasted marshmallows and kissed so much that my face had been raw from the heat and his stubble.

Had I always known it had been temporary? I had grown to love the man who was pulling my heart apart, and love wasn’t temporary. Not for me.

At first, Logan was the most unsuitable man I could ever have dreamt up. He was born for the city, insisted on travelling by helicopter and wanted to destroy Woolton Village. He was far too handsome, too confident, too charming. But somewhere along the road, all the reasons I had not to fall for Logan Steele had drifted away. I couldn’t think of a man more perfect for me.

“But surely what people want can change over time. You don’t fix in stone your ambitions and plans for your life and then never veer off course, no matter the consequences.”

“Perhaps some people don’t. But for me, I don’t commit to anything unless I know I can see it through. That’s not a bad thing. This isn’t selfish, Darcy. I’m protecting you. It’s easier for you this way.”

“I don’t need protecting from you. There is no certainty in the world. I of all people know that. And I’ve never asked for any guarantees from you.”

“I can’t half-arse things. And if whatever was between us was to continue, I couldn’t predict what was down the line, that I wouldn’t let you down or disappoint you.”

“But that’s life, Logan.”

“It’s not a life I want to live.”

He’d stolen any response I had and my hands began to shake. My body weakened. There was no comeback if he didn’t want me. If he didn’t want to try. Whatever we had wasn’t enough for him. Or maybe it was too much.

“So that’s it. Game over. We shake hands and move on?” It was a stupid question—that was exactly what he was saying. It just felt so hopeless. So heartless. Such a waste.

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, that’s okay then,” I snipped. I couldn’t make him love me or want a life with me. And I could tell from the way he couldn’t look at me that his mind was set and I wasn’t going to change it.

I’d never been in love before Logan, but I’d spent the last few months wanting to share every thought, every moment with him, and now I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. I was going to have to find my strength.

One step at a time. I just needed to get out of the library without breaking down. Without collapsing at the thought that he’d never hold me again, that I’d never watch his muscles flex as he showered, that I’d never hear him talk about the students from his old school.

He was the first man other than my brother and grandfather that I’d ever felt was on my side and in my corner like he could become part of my family, and now he was walking away. Abandoning me. And I was left on my own. My chest felt hollow and the taste of metal lingered on my tongue. I needed to leave. It was too painful to sit here and watch him go.

“I’ll see you around,” I said as I stood.

“I’m sorry.”

I ignored him. An apology was the last thing I wanted from him. And I’d lost my voice as he’d ripped my heart into pieces.

I swept past him and through the door. All I could do now was wait for time to pass and for my feelings to fade. Because that was what people did, right? They got over heartbreak. I was sure it was possible in the abstract, but right then and there I couldn’t see how it could be true.

I walked as fast as I could without running and straight up the stairs. I wanted to dive into my bed and not come out until this pain had relented.

Until I’d stopped loving Logan Steele.