Darcy

How had I let myself be talked into speed dating? I just wanted to be left alone at Woolton Hall, to bury myself in the estate and all its comings and goings. To get back to life before Logan.

Aurora…she’d had other ideas, which is why I’d just explained for the fourth time this evening where Woolton Village was to a complete stranger.

True to his word, Logan hadn’t given up. I’d heard from him every day. First in Connecticut. And then he must have known I’d come home about ten days ago, because each day since, I’d received a card or flowers or handwritten notes about his day and how he missed me. I also hadn’t heard the helicopter since I’d come back from Connecticut.

I was still trying to move on, but I wasn’t sure speed dating was my thing.

In front of me, the man in the white pleather jumpsuit shifted uncomfortably. “Sorry, it just gets a little uncomfortable. I don’t think I used enough baby powder. But you’re the hottest thing in this room.”

I tried to keep the smile on my face steady. “Thank you.” The bell rang. Hallelujah.

“Just to let you know, you’re going down on my sheet as ‘hell-yeah’,” he said with a wink.

“Good to meet you, Elvis.” He wasn’t going on my sheet at all. The next guy couldn’t be worse, surely.

“I’m Andrew.” A tall blond man stood in front of me, holding out his hand. Given he was wearing trousers and a shirt rather than fancy dress, it was a better start. “How old are you?” Okay, so maybe he’d skipped charm school. “I’m into older women.”

“May I ask you the same question, Andrew?” I wasn’t about to admit to this guy I was older than him, even if I was.

“Twenty-two. I reckon you’re twenty-nine or thirty. Too bad—I’m into women in their forties. Not looking to get married. Fantastic in bed. Winners all around.”

At least we were matched in that his age was an issue for me, too—I wasn’t into twenty-two-year-olds. “Well, I hope you find her.” I was officially out. I’d given this evening a chance, but if I stayed a moment longer I’d likely never want to see Aurora again. I caught her eye across the room and stifled a giggle at her yawn. I headed over to save her.

“What were you thinking?” I asked as we stumbled outside, desperate to leave before the next bell sounded. “You said tonight would be fun.”

“I know. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“These are not desperate times.” I’d returned from Connecticut ten days ago and I’d barely left Woolton Hall. It was my safe space, and I knew as long as I stayed there, I’d survive. I might never be happy, but I would pull some kind of life together for myself.

A life without Logan.

I thought about him constantly. I replayed the conversation in Connecticut that we’d had on a loop. Even now, I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing.

“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?” Aurora asked.

I was always thinking about him. “That was a disaster.”

“It wasn’t one of the better events they’ve put on, but I have met a couple of nice guys that way.”

“Not so nice that you’re still dating them,” I said.

Aurora linked her arm through mine as we made our way around the corner to pick up a cab. Right now I could happily have taken Logan’s helicopter back to Woolton. Being in the city felt a little bit too close to him. But we were staying at the Hill Street house tonight and heading back to Woolton tomorrow.

“No, you’re right, but you have to take a chance on these things or you might miss your perfect match.”

I admired the way Aurora kept putting herself out there, kept searching for the love of her life. I just didn’t know if I had it in me. I had never loved anyone the way I’d loved Logan and I knew I wouldn’t have that again, so what was the point of looking?

“You know what I think?” Aurora asked. “I think you already found your perfect match.”

My stomach swooped. “Sometimes, things just don’t work out.”

“And sometimes things that are meant to work out have a shaky start. Nothing is ever perfect. Don’t you ever wonder if you should see if what you and Logan had would clear the bumps and get to the other side?”

I held my arm out for an approaching cab. “I just don’t want to spend my whole life not knowing if Logan will change his mind and leave.”

“But isn’t that always the risk in any relationship?” she asked as we climbed into the cab. “People divorce because they change their minds.”

“But I need to be sure.”

“Impossible. Nothing is certain in this world. Woolton might burn down, there’s a pretty good chance that I will turn to lesbianism, the W.I. might disband—anything is possible.”

“How can you say such a thing? The W.I. will survive us both.” I hadn’t expected Aurora to suggest that Logan might still be the one.

Aurora giggled. “That’s probably the biggest certainty in our lives. But things do change, and I think you’ve got to enjoy the good times when they’re offered. I’m not saying that you should just live in the moment with Logan, like you were doing. But he’s not saying that either. He wants more as well. And you love him and now you know he loves you. I don’t think you should throw away a chance at happiness because it might not work out. The right guy doesn’t happen along often, believe me.”

I knew what Logan and I’d had, or at least what I had felt for him, was special. I’d never loved someone before and I fully accepted I never would again. “I just can’t bear the pain of the people I love leaving me. I’ve had enough loss. And if I love him now, it will only be worse down the road. The pain would be unbearable.”

“The only way to guarantee that you’ll never hurt is to never love anyone, and I don’t think that’s who you are. You deserve a family, someone who adores you, someone you adore. You have so much to give, Darcy. Don’t let fear be the thing that keeps you from being happy.”

I was afraid. Afraid of being hurt, scared of being rejected again. My grandparents’ death, my parents’ abandonment—those had been awful, but I’d survived. Losing Logan was a sharper, more piercing pain, and now that it had begun to dull, I wanted to ensure I never felt it again.

“And you’ve seen what the dating scene is like. You’re not going to find the love of your life at every speed dating event. You used to think you were destined to meet some landowner wedded to the country, but Logan showed you what you really need. That doesn’t happen a lot.”

“You’re right. The picture of who I thought I’d end up with doesn’t come close to Logan Steele.” I’d thought I wanted the exact opposite of him.

“I think you were too concerned with checking boxes–you need someone as passionate, as feisty and single-minded as you are. And I think you owe it to yourself to get over your fears, get over this bump in the road and see what’s on the other side. With Logan.”

In so many ways, Logan wasn’t what I’d wanted, but he was everything I needed. He was strong, funny, focused and hardworking. He was devoted to his family and would move mountains in order to do the right thing. “Do you think that’s why it hurt so badly? Because I loved him so much?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure I’ve ever really been in love. Not even with your brother, even though I thought otherwise. But now that I’ve seen you and Logan together, I know what true love looks like. I know what I’m aiming for.”

I cleared my throat, trying not to cry. “Do you really think that?”

Aurora nodded. “I really do. And I think it’s special and you need to grab onto it. From what you’ve told me, he gets that he made a huge mistake.”

“But it was a mistake that broke my heart, Aurora.”

“And one that he’s trying to make up for. I’ve never seen so many flowers and letters. The guy is sorry. He’s showing you he’s not running, that he’s serious about you. I don’t think he’ll make the same mistake again. Don’t lose him because you’re afraid to try.”

I could change the washer of a tap, convince a planning committee to reject a new development, I could even re-shoe a horse. But perhaps I had been too scared to let myself love Logan Steele enough to forgive him.