January 10 – Saturday
The rap on her front door startled Tess. It seemed in the last week it had been increasingly busy, between the glass fitters and the cat, it felt like she was suddenly popular compared to normal. Usually, no one ever called to visit. It took a moment to pick out its significance, once the sound itched her attention away from the cat in the small bed she’d made before her gentle fire.
Tess jumped up, then stood for a moment – perhaps she’d heard wrong. This old place was full of creaks and unexpected bangs, pipes and brickwork moaning and yawning for no particular reason. She’d gotten used to all of them over the years, even the new ones that arrived after upstairs had been ripped apart only to be put back together again.
No, this was definitely her door. She caught sight of herself in an old picture of the sacred heart – its light long extinguished. She might have moved it years ago, but she hardly noticed it anymore. These days she only used it as a nebulous mirror. It was good enough to check out all she wanted, but not so clear, that she ever had to look her reflection in the eye. She tried to smooth down brittle hair that stood on end too long to pay attention at this point, so she made her way to the door, a globule of irritated anticipation rising in her as she walked.
‘Mrs Cuffe.’ It was Robyn, her face even more anxious than normal. ‘The most terrible thing, I can’t find the O’Hara’s cat anywhere.’ She was close to tears, breathless and the tremble in her lower lip warned Tess that if she didn’t get to see the cat she might crash into a meltdown right there on the doorstep. ‘I’ve been searching for her since before breakfast, so really, she could be gone since last night. I can’t think where she would go, but you know, she’s worth a lot of money, if someone were to take her, well, I think I’d just die. I mean, I’ve looked everywhere.’ She ran a hand behind her distractedly. It was four o’clock now, had she even stopped to eat anything? She seemed even more birdlike here today, cold and thin, her sparrow features pinched with fear and despair.
‘You may as well come in. The cat is here.’ Tess stood aside to let the girl squeeze past the narrow dim passage. ‘He woke me, early this morning, and he seems to have taken up residence, for now at least.’
‘Oh, thank goodness.’ She rushed to the cat and fell upon him, the cat for his part remained stoic in his reserve. The questions tumbled out, some small relief just tangible in the air. Apparently, for Robyn, the least obvious scenario had been the cat, in all probability snoozing the day away in someone else’s kitchen.
‘He’s fine,’ Tess tutted. ‘He’s been here all day. I tried to let him out but he just came back in again at the first opportunity. He’s probably been missing having a bed to call his own,’ she said but suspected the girl didn’t hear a word because she was still on the threadbare rug before the hearth and launching into the kind of babble others reserve for babies.
‘Can I pick her up?’ the girl asked after inspecting what she could of him.
‘Probably best not to, he seems to be quite content,’ Tess said, although he’d moved about the flat a little while ago, he seemed very happy to sit by the fire mostly.
‘Oh.’ She fell back on her knees, looking up at Tess now. ‘What will we do with her?’ Her face held that perplexity that Tess knew had long since been rubbed from her own, even if it wasn’t wiped from her mind.
‘Well, first off young lady, he can stay here.’ Tess lowered herself into the most comfortable chair she owned, a scratched Queen Anne that had been here when she moved in and would no doubt be here after she left. ‘And the next thing we’re going to do is give the poor cat a proper name. She’s a He.’ Tess pursed her lips, it was all very well this gender equality, but the cat never asked to be part of this new trendy movement that half the country was caught up in. The cat was just a cat. ‘So, I’ve decided that we’ll call him Matt,’ she said flatly, it wasn’t her place to be teaching this youngster about the birds and the bees.
‘Oh.’ She had the grace to blush. ‘Oh, I never realised. Matt?’
‘Yes. It’s a good name, solid, and I think it suits him. There are three other gospels, I could think of, but I think it’s the best of the lot, don’t you?’ Anyway, the cat seemed happy enough with it, not that Tess would mention that to anyone.
‘It’ll take a bit of getting used to…’ The girl reached forward again to stroke the cat. ‘I’m just glad he’s here to be honest.’ She smiled up at Tess, ‘It doesn’t matter much what his name is, so long as he’s okay. I’ve always fancied changing my own name. Robyn is so…’ her words died off as her attention drifted back to the cat. ‘I’m so glad he’s here,’ she repeated as she sat on the sofa opposite Tess.
They sat for almost an hour, just talking about nothing and everything and sometimes not even saying a word, but listening to the purr of a very contented Matt.
‘It’s just for a short time, mind. I’m not a complete softy,’ Tess said, trying to keep her voice as firm and blunt as she could, because she did mean it. She had no place in her flat or in her life for a cat, much less for a teenager dropping down whenever the fancy took her, did she?
‘So, Mrs Cuffe, how was your day?’ Robyn asked and there was that unmistakable gentleness about her that made Tess feel relaxed and comfortable all at once. It was impossible to dislike her. ‘Aside from the arm that is?’ Robyn smiled, sipping from the mug of tea Tess had poured for her.
‘Oh, dear, if we’re going to get Matt’s name right you may as well use mine too,’ Tess said in a brittle voice, but she smiled at the same time, or at least it felt like a smile, it had been so long, it was almost hard to tell. ‘Call me Tess, will you?’ She waited until the girl nodded and then went on, ‘My days are never anything special. It’s the same old story.’ What could she say? Tess was out of the habit of making small talk, but the card from Nancy that had arrived a few days earlier seemed to fill the silence between them, as though it was taunting her to be mentioned.
‘Go on, tell me anyway,’ Robyn said with the kind of open innocence that will accept as true everything you say. She waited until Tess told her far more than she ever intended to, and yet, all she spoke of was Matt and the gardeners working in the square that afternoon. The ordinary things of everyday life that seemed to come alive again simply in the sharing.
‘Do you know, that’s done me the world of good?’ Tess said when she finished talking and she knew that there really wasn’t much more she could say.
‘You don’t get to talk to many people so?’ Robyn said gently.
‘No, I suppose I don’t,’ Tess admitted. ‘I didn’t think I was missing anything; maybe I am too cut off for my own good.’ She looked about her little sitting room and she couldn’t tell if it was more precious knowing that Richard and Amanda had wanted it so badly or because living here put her in the way of people. Was she happy being here because being in the way was better than not being anything to anyone at all? She knew that if she didn’t march up those steps once a week and drop her ten bob rent in the front door, sooner rather than later, ample Amanda would surely come down to check if she was still carrying on as the thorn in their side or if they had finally seen her out.
‘Well, if it’s any consolation, I’d say you’re not the only person in this house feeling as if you’re a little lost.’ Robyn’s eyes narrowed with meaning.
‘There was a poster in the hospital, some do-gooder’s idea of entertainment perhaps,’ Tess mumbled, ‘it said; loneliness is an epidemic and this last while, I’m beginning to think it’s more dangerous than people ever recognise.’
‘The worst is when you’re afraid to admit it.’ Robyn pointed over her head now, ‘Some people don’t even realise it.’
‘Do you think? Maybe it’s a touch of pride too.’
‘Yes, maybe it is for you, but you’d be surprised at the people who are lonely into the depths of their souls and they can’t even see it because they’ve worked so hard to block it out with everything money can buy.’ Robyn said the words quietly and Tess found herself thinking of Amanda King and wondering if she spent her days thinking about what might have been, just over Tess’s head, as she did the same here in this little flat.
‘I think you’re much too clever for your age, Robyn. You need to stop thinking about things and get yourself out with your friends,’ Tess said and Robyn smiled at her in a half-hearted way.
Then, as the old carriage clock on the mantle began to call out the hour, Robyn jumped up suddenly. ‘Gosh, I can’t believe that’s the time, my mum will kill me.’ She rushed towards the door after nuzzling her face into Matt’s fur one last time.
*
When Robyn left, Tess took down the little postcard once more. She had read it so many times already since it had arrived, but she was drawn to it. There was something pulling her to the curling font of her sister’s hand. She tried not to think about Nancy any more. Nancy and Douglas were the past. She’d learned to put them out of her mind over the years, but the truth was, they’d never really left her. They were, between them, the reason she was still here. It was all such a long time ago now, a lifetime really. God, she drifted into memories that for so long she’d tried to forget and again she felt that well of sadness open up within her. Douglas was gone and although Tess cast him from her heart so many years before, now it felt like old wounds were opening up once more.