February 14 – Saturday
For the days after the concert, Tess woke up lighter than she had in years. True, it felt as though she had dreamed a million dreams, but in daylight, she sifted through them and realised that all the good ones had been real.
Funny, but now, even if she tried, she couldn’t see the grizzly doctor that she’d known for the last few weeks. He had, in a moment, transformed into Stephen, and with it, she knew something fundamental in their relationship had softened. Perhaps she had softened too, because some of the memories that had once stirred her so deeply were letting go their grip. It was as though a lifetime of regret and bitterness was slowly ebbing away from her. So gradual she hadn’t noticed it at first, but now, the tide so far receded that it made her feel as if she’d come much further than she’d ever have dreamed possible. So, why didn’t she feel as if everything was as it should be? After all, things were a million times improved on what they were only a month earlier.
*
‘You have more to do,’ Amanda murmured as they walked around the square together that evening.
‘I think I’ve done very well,’ Tess was defensive. She had lost almost a stone in weight. Even more importantly, because she was exercising and taking better care of herself, she’d transformed in a way that couldn’t be measured in inches or pounds but was much more profound. Most astonishingly, for the first time in fifty years, she felt good about herself. Undoubtedly, there was a long road ahead if she wanted to be fashion-model slim, but at sixty-six years of age, all Tess had ever wanted was to even out her blood pressure and reduce her risk of diabetes.
‘We both know I’m not talking about your weight. Yes, you’ve done splendidly to achieve your weight loss, even better because the changes you’ve made are ones you can stick with for life, but there’s something else?’
‘I’m sure I’m just tired.’
‘Tess, it’s up to you. As you’ve said, you’ve done well already, but I have a feeling you know, you’d be crazy not to want more for yourself.’ Amanda’s eyes were dark and penetrating. Although she spoke softly, it seemed to Tess her words had the brutality of righteousness. ‘You have bridges to build and only you can build them.’
*
Later the words were still lingering in her mind. Tess tried to ignore them, but everywhere she looked there were reminders. Amanda and Robyn coming to the concert, that in itself, while she was thrilled they were making the effort – well, it had just underlined the absence of any family. Family? She’d thought about that word so often over the last few months. What did it mean anyway? She’d had a family. Nancy had been even more than a sister – had they somehow betrayed each other? It was all so long ago.
Everything was so very different now. Stephen Kilker was unrecognisable from the stringy youth who’d encouraged her to sing the blues. Nancy would be changed too, she’d lost Douglas, lived a life so different to Tess. And their child? What had become of him? Tess hadn’t thought about that baby for many years. It was only in these last few months that she could begin to entertain thoughts of that terrible day.
‘You look as if you’re a million miles away,’ Amanda said softly. She dropped by every day for a coffee and a chat. It seemed as if they had established a routine. These days, after Amanda left the kids to school, she’d come back and help out in the communal garden. Then, she’d pop across to the flat for a natter before going out to brave the cold again with the spunky-looking Italian, who it seemed, to Tess at least, had a bit of a crush on her.
‘No, just about forty years away,’ Tess smiled and shook her head. It was silly to become so wrapped up in the past when the future was turning bright and beckoning.
‘Well, maybe you have things to sort out?’ Amanda said as though she could read her mind.
‘It seems that way, doesn’t it?’ Tess said and somehow here, with Amanda, the notion of having to face up to the past was not quite as terrible as it was before.
‘Is it a man?’
‘It was, sort of, and a woman and a…’ Tess felt a small tear scud down her cheek.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No. Not your fault. Mostly it’s my own fault. You’re right, of course. Maybe I need to resolve this before I move on.’ Tess placed her hand on Amanda’s arm, glad that her friend had not pressed her for answers.
*
Perhaps it was the week for facing up to things, or maybe, the concert had just given Tess that added brio she needed. She knew it was time to do the right thing. It was time to spring-clean her entire life and, sometimes, it’s easier to clean up dust that’s newly fallen.
The following afternoon, as she sat on a bench, watching Amanda and Carlos working hard, she made a decision. She was sixty-six years old, retirement age. It was time to start living and stop drudging her way through life. That night, she wrote her letter of resignation to the temping agency. They’d hardly notice if she left anyway, there was always a steady stream of girls just waiting to get a foot in the Dublin door. Office temping was the easy way to start earning cash and make some kind of life in the underbelly of this grey city.
Early the following day, she woke, her decision was already made. Taking her time for once, she placed the rollers in her hair as Robyn had for the weekend concert. This could become her thing now, taking care of herself. She had enjoyed the compliments on the day of the concert, noticed it in the other women’s eyes, she was a transformed woman when she took a little care. It was time to become visible again; Tess felt she was ready to be beautiful once more.
She sat, peacefully with a cup of tea on her little sofa next to Matt. His purr was comforting, steadying her. These days, he seemed to spend more time in her flat than anywhere else, slept cosily on the couch for most of the day and trailed her about the flat when she was here. He had taken to darting in through her kitchen window as soon as Mrs O let him out to tinkle. Poor Mrs O, he really had rejected her, Tess had a feeling that she hardly even noticed and perhaps that made having him here blameless.
She arrived at the temping agency with no intention of working one more day. She should give them two weeks’ notice, but she was an old woman and they expected her to be bad-tempered. The girl, an unpronounceable name on her breast, took the letter and smiled, as though it made a difference to Tess either way.
She stood in the doorway for a moment, her heart thumping wildly in her chest, hardly believing that she’d just resigned. A measure of panic rising within her, but then, in her mind, she heard Stephen’s voice guiding her through her breathing exercises and so she inhaled deeply, taking in the cool Dublin morning. She walked out of the temping agency that day a free woman and only wondered why she hadn’t done it sooner. Across the road, she noticed a small art supplies shop, funny how she’d never spotted it before.
An old-fashioned bell on the front door rattled when she let it close behind her. The man; a youth with dark hair that hid his eyes, turned out to be the most obliging boy. He filled a bag with a large sketchpad, charcoal and acrylics. He tossed in two small canvases for free.
Tess walked home lighter of step than she’d felt for many years. She reasoned, if she could sing in front of a hundred people, there was no reason why Amanda shouldn’t paint again.
*
‘He’s a child.’ Amanda laughed at the very idea of Carlos Giordano fancying her.
‘Thirty years old is hardly a child,’ Tess said. They were sitting in the Square, drinking steaming instant cappuccinos that Tess had brought across for them. It was time for Amanda to take a break, and Tess had brought along a lovely gift of artists supplies to mark a new start for them both.
‘It is when you’re forty-five years old, Tess.’ Amanda had lost the thread of what she was saying. Of course, it was Carlos. They had been working every day together for the last week and this afternoon he invited her out for a drink.
‘I’ve never been to a salsa club, though I did love jazz, back in the day,’ Tess said and it sounded like nostalgia on her lips. She looked at Amanda now, ‘He’s not asking you to marry him. Where’s the harm in going out dancing with the bloke? You might really enjoy it.’ Tess winked at her. ‘And if a chance should present itself to kiss him or,’ she lowered her voice, ‘something more, well, you could see it as a perk for all that gardening you’ve done free of charge.’
‘He might not want me to do any more gardening now,’ Amanda said.
‘What exactly did you say when he asked you?’ Tess asked.
‘Nothing, I just laughed. I thought he was joking, I really never imagined…’ They had been talking about her separation. She assumed he’d just felt sorry for her, but then, when she laughed, she’d caught something else. Probably not desire, she wasn’t silly enough to think that, but she could have hurt his feelings.
‘You’ve been lusting after him for weeks. Did you not think that maybe the feeling is mutual?’ Tess asked.
‘Come on, Tess, you’ve seen him. The body of a god, face of an angel – men like that don’t fall for middle-aged frumpy women.’ She knew she was nowhere near as frumpy as she’d been a year ago. Robyn had dragged her into what seemed like every high street shop in Dublin one weekend and now she had a whole new wardrobe of clothes that fitted her and made her feel like she had shed her middle-class, neurotic, vanilla dullness.
‘So, he’s a man now, not a boy anymore?’ Tess teased. ‘Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing, if he so much as winked at me, I’d have my best linen on the bed and I’d be inviting him in for a stiff one before we got down to business,’ Tess said and Amanda struggled to keep her laughter under control. ‘You’ll march across that garden tomorrow and tell him you’d love to go to a salsa bar with him, and anywhere else that might be on the cards, or I’ll be looking at you as if you lost the run of yourself. What are you waiting for – Richard King to ride across the square on a white charger?’