January 30 – Friday
Four hundred euros, a damn sight less than thirty pieces of silver, paid to the private investigator – that was all it took and then there was no denying it. Her husband was having an affair with Arial Wade. The investigator, Patricia, had secured everything about her, short of her bra size, and Amanda had a feeling that she could probably have conjured that out of her bag too, if she asked. She had photographs, dates, times, addresses and even a copy of a credit card receipt that she’d managed to wangle out of some poor florist. It was confirmed and, in some ways, seeing it in black and white prints, ten by eights, made Amanda feel a little stronger, even though she suspected it was false bravado.
She sat, for over an hour in her kitchen, just leafing through the photographs, like a forensic voyeur, she had to examine every detail. It was amazing, really, they had the same taste in so many things from their expensive watches (they both wore Breguet with everything) to the same disloyal man. Then she noticed, sitting on Arial’s doorstep, a great big hairless cat and it had been enough to tip Amanda into a kind of anger that she hadn’t felt in decades. The blasted cat, bald or not, typified all that she and her family had conceded just to keep Richard happy. To be fair, she was extra-sensitive on the subject of cats now that she’d seen how much that cat in Tess’s flat, meant to Robyn. She dropped the photos, it was eleven o’clock, plenty of time before she had to go and pick up the kids from school.
Amanda pounded up the stairs, two at a time, a rampaging elephant might have moved more elegantly, but she didn’t care. She launched herself into their insipid, pretentious bedroom, flung every item belonging to Richard onto the bed. She had a plan, or at least she felt emboldened enough to stop torturing herself and do something about the tragedy she had allowed her life to spiral into.
*
It took only a few hours to set the stage. A call to an adventure centre in Connemara secured places for the kids for that weekend. They could catch the train this evening and be settled in before Richard even realised they were gone. Two days of pony trekking went down better than expected while she was ostensibly going to visit an old school friend in Wales. Richard for his part remained immune to any of this flurry of activity. His days had taken on the predictability of work, work and more work, or at least that was what she was supposed to think. When Amanda thought about it, Richard had been going into ‘work’ for almost four months now, six days per week. Sunday was golf and he set off early for the club, had lunch there and returned in time to slouch in front of the telly with the papers, sometime after nine o’clock at night.
Well, not this weekend.
Amanda picked the kids up from school at the usual time. In the boot, she packed up two weekend bags. She suggested they all have dinner in the train station together before catching the train west. Then she would return to Swift Square and wait for Richard.
*
Casper arrived out of school scowling at the unfairness of having to miss his friend’s birthday party but Robyn was genuinely looking forward to her weekend. They managed to get a table in the restaurant and ordered dinner and they sat, all three of them deep in their own thoughts while they ate.
‘Is everything all right, Mum?’ Robyn asked eventually, looking at Amanda’s plate.
‘Oh, yes, fine. I’m just not very hungry.’ Amanda brushed away her concern.
‘Well, exactly,’ Casper said. He had pulled the buds from his ears and Amanda realised he sounded just like his father, judging her if she ate and mocking her if she didn’t.
‘Very funny.’ Amanda tried to laugh, except, deep down, she wanted to cry. She wanted her little boy back, not this gangly youth who was turning into a sullen version of Richard. ‘I’ve told you, I’m turning over a new leaf. Diet, exercise, I’m going to finally be a yummy mummy.’ She smiled at her two children. They may be teenagers, but when she looked at them now, she realised they may drive her to distraction at times but they still needed her and she loved them with all her heart.
‘Sure that’s all?’ Robyn said and she squeezed Amanda’s hand.
‘What else could it be? Aren’t you always telling me I eat too much cake?’ Amanda smiled, a little wobbly, but smiled all the same.
‘I know we have, but it’s only when we’re mad at you. Really, we’ve never meant it.’ Robyn looked over at her brother, as though they had something to tell her. ‘It’s just, we’re…’
‘What?’ The last thing Amanda wanted was to have them worrying about their parents. She looked at her daughter now, caught something lurking in her eyes, an uneasiness that shouldn’t be there.
‘Robyn thinks you and Dad might be getting a divorce,’ Casper said the words and managed to inject some cynicism into them, but all the same, Amanda caught something in his eyes.
‘Why would you think that?’ She managed to keep her voice even and her smile straight. Surely, they wouldn’t see the muscles pull at it so it felt as if rigor mortis was setting in around her cheeks and eyes.
‘It’s mad, I know. I told her.’
‘It’s not mad at all, Casper. We never see Dad. He’s never home and now you’re gone all the time, and losing all this weight and changing your hair, it’s like…’
‘She thinks you’ve met someone,’ Casper threw his eyes up to heaven as though nothing could be more ridiculous.
‘Well, maybe not met someone, I don’t know, but…’ Robyn flushed. ‘I did wonder if maybe you were, you know, going through,’ she looked about her now, had the good grace to lower her voice, ‘the menopause, but look at you,’ her lips drew up into a quivering smile, ‘with all the weight you’ve lost, you don’t look… middle-aged anymore, so I thought maybe you…’
‘I’ve met someone?’ Amanda started to laugh. The notion of anyone looking at her with a view to romance seemed so wildly out of this world, it made her feel something very strange. ‘Seriously?’ she laughed a drum roll sound that teetered between the verges of giddiness and gloom. She dismissed the tears that threatened from the pellet of emotion sitting awkwardly in her throat. There was so much more here than she could even begin to put a name on. ‘Oh, Robyn,’ she moved her arm around her daughter. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry for laughing and I’m sorry if you’ve been worried. I’m losing the weight for me, though, can you understand that? I’m losing the weight because I want to be healthy. I want to live a long and good life and maybe someday I want to bounce my grandchildren on my knees.’ She held Robyn for as long as her daughter allowed and when she pulled away, she said the only thing she could. ‘I love you, Robyn, both of you,’ she looked across at Casper, she couldn’t lie. ‘And who knows what the future holds, but I can promise you this, we are a family and we will always be a family and I will always love you both.’
Amanda walked them to the gate at the train station, feeling a weight upon her shoulders that she’d never expected to feel. She stood for a long time, after the train pulled away, thinking about what they’d said. She was sure of one thing. They knew. She wasn’t sure how they knew, or what exactly they knew, but they knew that it was crunch time and that made her feel as if she had even more to prove. She walked out to the car, dreading the weekend ahead. She was going back to Swift Square. She would wait for Richard to come home, even if it took hours, she would have it out with him tonight.
*
It was almost seven when she arrived back in the square. At least, she thought, she could go for a walk in the darkness. No one need see her face as she contemplated what lay ahead. She ducked into the house for a moment, grabbed her walking shoes and muffled up under a huge scarf and windcheater. The Square was deserted now. Friday evening, most of the businesses closed for the night. Amanda loved it like this. She thought this is what it must have been like when the houses were built all those years ago. Of course, there would have been the occasional carriage pulling up in front of the fine houses, but apart from that and the hissing of the streetlights fuelled by gas, there would have been the same sense of serenity about the place. Tonight, she listened as life in the square settled in for the night. Behind the tall black railings, magpies, gold crests, robins and wrens called out their final good nights to each other. Amanda was lost in the sounds of them, carried away in the simplicity but loveliness of their song.
Moments later, the strangest thing occurred.
In the distance, she spotted Tess Cuffe walking towards her and for a moment felt that instinctual feeling of dread. But, of course, those days were gone, Amanda knew, the hatchet had been well and truly buried and if they continued to walk around the square in opposite directions, well – that meant they were different people, but it didn’t mean they were enemies anymore. And then, it happened. Just as Amanda thought she’d left her behind for another lap, she heard the halting sound of Tess’s footsteps. It was as though she pulled up fast to check something and then, she was catching her up. Tess Cuffe was walking alongside her, silently, awkwardly and willingly. Amanda felt herself smiling shyly, finally she was not alone.