GRACE COULDN’T SLEEP. After an hour of trying, she decided to get some work done and check her messages. She made coffee and stepped down to her small office. One of her students had sent a term paper for her to edit. She redlined problem areas and wrote comments in a sidebar before sending it back. That done, she responded to another student’s question.
It was after two in the morning when she checked her website e-mail. Her heart leaped when she recognized Roman’s address. The message had been sent at 10:20 that evening. The subject line read Request. She positioned the cursor and then lifted her hand away as though about to burn herself. Was she opening herself up to more heartache? Think before you do anything, Grace. Think! She could delete his message without reading it and pretend she never received it. No, she couldn’t. She’d been praying for weeks. This might be God’s answer. She just hadn’t expected to feel such a jumble of emotions when it came.
Oh, God; oh, Lord . . . She didn’t even know what to ask now.
Pushing her chair back, Grace went up the steps into the kitchen. She poured herself another cup of coffee, then just as quickly poured it out. The last thing she needed was more caffeine. Her pulse was already racing. She went back to her desk. Sitting straight, hands fisted, she stared at the screen. Don’t be such a coward! Just read it, she told herself fiercely. She opened the message.
Grace—I’d like to talk to you in person. If you’re willing, name the time and place. I’ll be there. Roman.
Should she meet him? Why was she even asking that question? She knew this day would come. Hadn’t she been praying about it? She just didn’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready, Lord? She didn’t want to hope for anything.
Multiple possibilities popped into her head. She could meet him in a coffee shop. That would be neutral and safe. She could leave Samuel with Dorothy or Angela. She cast aside one idea after another, sensing all the while what God wanted, if she had the courage for it.
Oh, Lord, help.
Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly as she tapped Respond.
I live in Merced.
Merced was a long way from Los Angeles. Roman would undoubtedly decide she wasn’t worth the drive. Heart still thumping, but feeling justified, she went back to work on another project. It’d be hours before he read the message, and she doubted he’d answer.
A window in the lower right corner of her computer screen popped up with a ping, showing she had a new message from Roman. What was he doing up at three in the morning?
I’m at Masterson Ranch. I can be in Merced in a few hours. Just need an address. Why are you up so early?
She tapped Respond.
Couldn’t sleep. Have work to do. What about you?
I haven’t slept well for months. That’s one of the things I want to talk about with you.
She didn’t know what to make of that and leaned back in her chair.
Another message popped up.
Sorry. That probably came out wrong. Don’t worry, Grace. I promise to keep my hands to myself.
She hesitated so long, another message popped up.
Please. Talk to me.
Please was a word she’d never heard him say. She typed her address and set two o’clock for their meeting time. She sent it before she could change her mind, and then hoped the appointment wouldn’t work for him.
His response came quickly.
Thank you. See you at 2.
Roman packed his duffel bag, set it by the front door, and went into the kitchen to tell Chet and Susan why he was leaving a day early. He could smell the coffee and bacon. Chet stood at the counter talking to his wife as she speared slices of sizzling meat and turned them over on the griddle. Chet noticed him first. Glancing over her shoulder, Susan smiled. “Good grief, you’re up early.”
“Sorry to be cutting the visit short, but I’ll be back. I contacted Grace. We’re meeting this afternoon in Merced.”
Chet’s brows rose. “Sounds serious.”
“As serious as it can get. I’m hoping she’ll hear me out.”
Susan opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. She gave Chet a look and focused on the bacon. Chet poured a mug of coffee and handed it to Roman. “Jasper told us things didn’t go well between you two. That’s why we didn’t bring her up.”
“I behaved like an ass. She had the good sense to quit and leave. I owe her more than an apology.”
“She’s agreed to see you. That’s good news.”
He’d have to wait to find out.
The house was already hopping. All four boys were up, had showered, and came into the kitchen hungry and talking, except for Jaime, who jerked his chin at Roman in greeting. Susan told Roman to sit down. “You’re not traveling on an empty stomach. And if your meeting isn’t until this afternoon, you have plenty of time for breakfast.” She served him scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast and put the platters on the table for the rest to pass around, family style. Roman seldom ate a full breakfast and had to restrain his impatience to get on the road.
Once the boys were fed and on their way to morning chores, Roman felt free to leave. Chet and Susan walked him to his car. “You want a little advice about women?” Chet patted Roman’s shoulder. “Take it slow and easy.”
Susan gave an indelicate snort. “If I’d waited for you to propose, I’d still be living with my parents in Texas.”
“I proposed.”
“You said you had something to ask me in a few years. I said, ‘Why wait?’”
Chet smirked at her and winked at Roman. “Like I said. Take it slow and easy. The girl will let you know what she wants and when she wants it.”
Susan punched him in the arm.
Driving out of the yard, Roman looked in the rearview mirror. Chet had his arm around Susan as they both waved. Susan leaned into her husband.
Lord, that’s the kind of relationship I want.
Grace tried to work, but she couldn’t concentrate. Desperate to do something to curb her tension, she cleaned house while Samuel played contentedly with blocks on the living room rug. It stopped raining long enough to take Samuel out for a walk around the block. She wanted him tired and sound asleep when Roman came. Samuel toddled along happily for a while, but he soon started fussing and wanted back in the stroller. She went on ahead, encouraging him to chase her. He enjoyed that for half a block and then sat in the middle of the sidewalk in protest. When they returned home, she fed him lunch and put him on the carpet to play. He wanted to be held. Giving in, Grace rocked him. She almost fell asleep in the chair. Settling him in his race car bed, she kissed him and carefully closed the door.
She had time to brush her teeth and take a quick shower, but no time for makeup. A touch of lipstick would have to do. She brushed her hair hurriedly and raked her fingers through it. Staring at herself in the mirror, depressed, she looked pale, shadows under her eyes and wild-eyed on top of it. Calm down, Grace. Breathe! She drew in her breath, letting it out slowly. It helped relax her. She prayed and felt prepared. Until the doorbell rang.
Rubbing damp palms against her jeans, Grace took another deep breath and released it before opening the door. Roman stood on the other side of the screen door, and her pulse rocketed. So much for moving on. Oh, Lord, help me.
Roman felt all the old fears rise when he walked up the path to Grace’s front door. Love had always been the enemy, the emotion to avoid. In the past months, Brian had helped him see more clearly what Jasper had tried to get across for years. Just because one person let you down didn’t mean everyone would. And, in truth, Roman had let Grace down because he’d lacked the courage to step up and be the man God intended him to be.
That was then; this is now, he reminded himself. I behaved like a child. God, make me the man You want me to be.
He stood at the door, heart in his throat, and pressed the doorbell. Lord of mercy, help me say what needs to be said. And if it’s Your will . . .
The door opened. Grace appeared, and all thought left him. He could hardly breathe. If he’d ever had any doubt about being in love with this woman, it was gone now. She looked younger, more vulnerable, her dark hair longer, down around her shoulders. She was wearing the pink sweater, white blouse, and jeans he remembered. She’d lost weight, but then, so had he. He couldn’t tell what she was feeling, but he sensed wariness. Considering what had happened between them the last time they were together, Roman understood her distrust. She inhaled sharply, and his heart pounded harder. It helped to know she was nervous, too, afraid how this time together might go. Seeing that made him calmer. Roman knew how and where he wanted this meeting to end. Or rather begin.
Unlatching the screen door, Grace pushed it open a few inches. “Come in.” She stepped back. To give him room or to keep her distance? She didn’t meet his gaze, but offered her living room with a tense gesture. The sofa was pale turquoise with yellow pillows. She’d hung up the hand-lettered artwork, which he now recognized as a quote from Psalms, and the pictures of Jesus.
Where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there.
“Please. Sit.” Grace’s voice trembled slightly. She cleared her throat. “I’ll make some coffee.”
Roman felt as much at home in this house as the cottage. It wasn’t the furnishings or decorations. It was Grace. Instead of sitting, Roman followed her and stood in the kitchen doorway, watching her. The faint flush in her cheeks had disappeared. She was pale now. Was she afraid of him? He hoped not. She almost dropped the canister and gave him an embarrassed glance. He didn’t have to ask if he was making her nervous, and he didn’t want her to be. How much of what he felt showed in his face? Too much, apparently. He had to stop drinking in the sight of her.
Take it slow and easy, Chet had said. But not too slow, according to Susan.
Roman tossed all his experience with women. None of it applied. If he didn’t say something soon, he’d have another heart attack. He smiled at her, hoping to get them both over a rough start. “I’ve missed your coffee.” He could stand all day and watch her. She was more beautiful to him than anything he’d ever seen. But she might relax if he looked at something else.
The view from the kitchen window showed a large lawn and vegetable garden. “Nice place for Samuel to play.” Grace said yes. She took an unsteady breath as she spooned coffee. Then she started to talk. She told him about Dorothy and George Gerling, her landlords, and Juan and Angela Martinez and their three children who lived right next door. Juan planted the vegetable garden, and Angela gave her parenting tips, and little Matías was Samuel’s first good buddy. She was rambling, a sign she was still nervous. He noticed she’d filled the coffee filter to the brim. She uttered a soft gasp and spooned coffee grounds back into the canister.
Roman wanted to put his arms around her and say, It’s okay, Grace. I’m just as scared as you are. He tried to relax, but his pulse galloped, his breath high and tight. He breathed in and out slowly before he spoke. “Where’s Samuel?”
“He’s down for a nap.” Grace barely glanced at him, her attention caught by something on the kitchen table. Roman looked down at a blue-trimmed plate, and understood. There were the things she’d gathered on their road trip: five smooth stones, a pinecone, and a pair of acorns linked together by a single twig.
Picking up the acorns carefully, Roman held them in the palm of his hand. “You didn’t throw them away.”
Blushing, Grace turned her back. “Why don’t we sit in the living room?” She filled two mugs with coffee and left him standing alone in the kitchen. Roman replaced the acorns on the plate. Strange how something so small and ordinary could fill him with so much hope.
Grace occupied the rocking chair, leaving him the whole sofa. She held her mug cupped tightly in both hands, a talisman. His was on the coffee table, a sizable barrier between them. He sat, but didn’t touch the mug. He hadn’t come for coffee.
“I came to apologize, Grace.” Something he’d never done before. “I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved, and I’m sorry for that.” Pressing his palms together between his knees, he leaned forward, sending up a shotgun prayer. God, help me. “I was afraid to tell you how I felt about you.” She looked away, and he held off saying the rest, waiting for her to face him again before he went on. “I was in love with you then, and I’m in love with you now.” He’d never said those words to anyone and he saw the walls going up.
“I don’t want that kind of love, Roman.”
“I’m not finished.”
Lips parting, Grace’s eyes filled. She almost spilled her coffee. “I’m not sure I can listen.”
“Please?”
Setting the mug on a small lampstand table, Grace put her hands on her thighs before she looked at him in anguish. “Why did you come, Roman?”
“I laid out my fleece, and God said yes.” Why should she believe him? Just say the rest, Roman. “I came to ask you to marry me.”
“What?” She drew back, shocked.
“You heard me.” He knew what he was asking. Brian had given him a copy of the standard wedding vows once. Roman had some sense of the depth of commitment it would take for a relationship to last for the long haul, through all the challenges life would throw at them, not to mention the issues and personality traits they would each bring along. He knew it wouldn’t be easy for either of them. God knew what childhood issues and adult issues they had. Even with all that, they had God’s promises to stand on. Nothing is impossible for God. “Just to be clear, Grace, I want to love, honor, and cherish you for as long as we both live.”
Bowing her head, she clenched her hands in her lap. She shook her head. “I know what you think about women, Roman. The ones you meet in clubs. You don’t know as much about me as you think you do.” Tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I know you went to After Dark and met a guy, and Samuel is the result.”
Sucking in a breath, Grace stared at him, her cheeks blooming red and then going white. “Shanice told you?”
“Not as a betrayal. It all came out when I went with her to pick up a friend at After Dark.”
“Oh.” Grace covered her face.
Roman’s heart ached for the fear and uncertainty she’d suffered because of one night of forgetting herself. She had fought to keep her son, and now carried the responsibility alone. How many other women would have taken a different path? Thank God, Grace followed Him and not the crowd. “What Shanice didn’t know is I could be the guy she was talking about.”
Grace lowered her hands, frowning. “Why would you say something like that?”
“It’s not impossible. I used to hang out at After Dark regularly. I had a beach condo in Malibu around that time. I remember a girl with long, blonde hair who left in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but that had never happened before.” The few women he’d brought to his condo had been sent home in a cab—usually before they were ready to leave.
Another sin I confess, Lord. I treated women the way men treated my mother. “I’m not the man I used to be, Grace, but I’m still a long way from the one I want to be.”
“Women are held to a higher standard than men.” Her mouth tipped in a sad, knowing half smile. “Especially by men.”
Was she remembering the self-righteous remarks he’d made in Bodie? “You’re right, and it’s wrong. I’ve lived as a hypocrite for a long time.” He’d condemned a long-dead woman for being in the life his mother had lived, remembering how he’d suffered right along with her. He’d never seen Grace angry until that day. She hadn’t realized she was showing compassion for his mother. What did he know about what happened between his mother and father, what the circumstances were? What right did he have to judge anyone?
Grace’s expression was enigmatic. “Is that why you came? Because you think you could be Samuel’s father?”
“The girl I met told me she wanted to feel something.” Roman saw the flicker in her eyes. “I wanted the same thing. And I’m not talking about sex, Grace. I’m talking about connecting with someone emotionally.” He’d never understood the pent-up longing until Grace showed up and their relationship progressed. “I’m not explaining very well.” He tried to gather his thoughts. “It only took a day to understand you were never coming back to the cottage, and I’d blown everything with you. It took me months to work through all the reasons you had to leave and what I needed to do to get right with God.” Again, that flicker. He’d been saved when she left, but he hadn’t been a Christ follower. And that made a fundamental difference in who he had been and who he was now.
They sat facing each other, the coffee table between them. Roman didn’t look away. “You admitted you loved me that night. You left because you wanted a man willing to commit, not a boy who wanted everything on his terms.”
“If we’re being honest, I left because I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say no a second time.”
“You did the right thing in leaving, Grace. I wouldn’t have left you alone.” He thanked God she hadn’t waited. Where would they be right now if she’d weakened? They’d be living together. She’d never have felt secure and cherished, and he’d still be the same arrogant, self-centered jerk he’d been then. If Grace hadn’t fled, he might never have felt the need to examine his life and realize he had to let God change him from the inside out.
Grace looked troubled. “How could Samuel be your son, Roman? You said you’ve always taken precautions to avoid fathering a child.”
How many other callow things had he said in his lifetime? “I had a standard.” He gave a bleak laugh. “Not much of one, I’ll admit. I didn’t want to be like my father: get a girl pregnant and walk away.” Hardly an excuse, but the truth. “My mother never told me who he was, left that line blank on my birth certificate. Maybe she didn’t even know, and I have no way of finding out.”
Throat constricting, Roman struggled with a tide of emotions. “Crazy as it sounds, I missed my father. I know that might not make sense to you, but I needed him.” Over the last few days, his eyes had been opened. “Jasper tried to fill the gap, but I wouldn’t let him. Chet tried, too. I had walls up. When I accepted Christ, I found my Father. But there’s still that flip side. I still wonder.” He was silent a moment, praying. Jesus, help her understand what I can’t explain to myself, let alone another human being.
Time to put all his hopes on the table. “I love you, Grace. I want to marry you. I don’t know Samuel yet, but he’s your son, and that’s enough reason for me to love him.” Grace’s brown eyes softened. Was that love or compassion? “I didn’t tell you all that so you’d feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t.”
“A boy needs a father.”
Her eyes filled. “So does a girl.”
“Maybe that’s why God sent the angel to you.” His heart beat faster at the warmth in her expression. “If you say yes, we’ll go through premarriage counseling.” Shanice had told him about Patrick. “We’ll both do our own homework. If we keep Jesus front and center, we’ll make it through whatever this life throws at us.” His palms felt moist. He hadn’t thought to ask if she had met someone else. Another Brian Henley type who would be perfect for her instead of someone like him. “You told me once that you loved me. Do you still love me, Grace?”
“I’ve been trying very hard to get over you.”
“Any luck with that?”
“None.” Her lips tipped up.
Roman let out a breath. “Thank You, Jesus.”
Grace laughed softly. “I never thought I’d hear you pray.”
He hadn’t realized he’d spoken aloud. “That makes two of us.” He felt steadier inside, seeing a future and a hope opening in front of them. Her defenses were coming down, and his body was fast remembering the kiss they’d shared in Topanga Canyon. The rush of heat was coming on, and he wanted Grace in his arms right now. He put his hands on his knees, intending to make that happen, when he felt a check in his spirit telling him to wait. Better not to test his control . . . or hers.
Lord, I don’t deserve anything, but here You are again, showing me mercy and unfailing love.
“Mama?”
Roman turned and saw Samuel standing in the doorway, cheeks flushed from sleep, dark hair damp and matted. The last time Roman saw Samuel, he’d been a baby learning to crawl. Now a little boy stood on his own two feet, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Love swelled inside Roman until his eyes burned. Whether he was Bobby Ray Dean’s son or not, he could be. And he would be.
Clearing his throat, Roman spoke gently. “Hey, there, little man. Do you remember me?” Samuel looked at him in bewilderment. Why would this child remember? Roman had barely spent time with him. That was going to change.
Grace rose and went to Samuel. Lifting him, she perched her son comfortably on her hip and sat on the couch beside Roman. “Samuel, this man wants to be your daddy.”
Samuel looked up at Roman, eyelids drooping. Leaning against his mother, he went back to sleep.
Roman grinned at her. “He didn’t say no.” Was Grace going to say yes? “I guess he doesn’t have a problem with it.”
She laughed softly, eyes shining as she ran her hand over Samuel’s hair in a loving caress. She looked at him. “Neither do I.” Reaching up, she drew Roman’s head down and kissed him.
When her lips parted, Roman deepened the kiss. The old Roman would have put the child to bed and kissed Grace until neither cared whether they were married or not. The new man wanted God’s blessing and Grace’s trust. He wanted her to know he’d cherish her, not use her. And right now, with her hand on his chest, he wanted her too much. Capturing her hand, he straightened, then brushed her hair back over one shoulder with a trembling hand. Her flushed cheeks and darkening eyes drew him in, and he couldn’t help but kiss the racing pulse beneath her ear.
She drew in a soft breath. “I should put Samuel back to bed.”
Tempted to agree, Roman knew it wouldn’t take much more to cross the line.
“Safer for both of us if you keep him right where he is.” He cupped her cheek.
“Okay.” She let out a soft sigh.
“Was that relief or disappointment?” Roman couldn’t resist one more kiss, just to find out. And that kiss led to another until they were both breathless and trembling.
“I’d better move.” Grace took the rocking chair on the other side of the coffee table. Shifting Samuel in her arms, she settled more comfortably. “Are you heading back to Los Angeles this afternoon?”
“I’m staying in the same hotel you and I stayed in on our road trip.” He’d checked in before coming to see Grace. “It’ll serve as home base until I find a house.”
“A house? You want to move to Merced?”
Laughing, Roman shook his head. “I don’t know yet, but I didn’t just stop by on my way back to LA to say, ‘Hey, by the way, I’d like to marry you.’ I’m sticking around until you do.”
Samuel awakened again, groggy and grumpy this time. Grace stood. “He needs another hour, at least.”
Roman followed and stood in the doorway as she settled him. He grinned as he backed out so she could close the door. “A race car bed?”
“Gift from Dorothy and George. Aunt Elizabeth sleeps in it when she comes to visit.”
“Does that happen often?” She hadn’t moved, and the hall felt too small for the two of them. He glanced into the other bedroom with an inviting queen-size bed. He closed the door. Out of sight, out of mind. He hoped.
“She’s coming tomorrow to spend the weekend.”
“She’ll want my head on a platter.”
Grace looked back over her shoulder with a grin as she returned to the living room. “Actually, she’s been rooting for you.” She lifted his mug. “Your coffee’s cold.” She picked up hers as well. “We can sit in the kitchen and talk.” Pouring two mugs of fresh coffee, she set them on the table.
They sat facing each other. Roman imagined sitting together like this for decades to come. “Mmmm. I really have missed your coffee.”
“It’s a poor reason for wanting to marry a girl.”
“Just one of many good ones.” He looked at her for a moment, thankful she didn’t seem nervous about his perusal now. “I’ve missed you.” More than he could express, and far more than he’d thought possible. The old, niggling fear rose that even the best things in life don’t last forever. “Until death parts us” meant one of them would go before the other. He and Brian had talked about that. Each day was a blessing from God, to be lived to the fullest, without fear.
“Don’t buy a house yet, Roman.”
“I’ll rent until we decide what we want to do. Unless you want to move back to Southern California. How do you like it here?”
“I like it very much, but you’re a big-city boy.”
“Am I?” He’d grown up in the Tenderloin, bounced from youth hostel to hostel in Europe, had a Malibu beach condo and a fortress in Topanga Canyon. Now, he lived in a two-bedroom apartment in a rough neighborhood in LA, not a place he wanted to settle his wife and child. But then, what did he know? Where they would live was just one of the many things they’d have to work out together.
Roman stretched out his hand on the table, palm up. Grace let out a soft breath of surrender and slipped her hand into his. “I guess it doesn’t matter where we live, as long as we’re together.”
It would be easy to accept her surrender, let her give in, but Roman wanted Grace secure and content, as well as happy.
“It matters, Grace.” He lifted her hand and kissed her palm. “We’ll wait for God to tell us where He wants us.”