Jacks

I’m going out of my mind. Cam has only been gone for a few days, but I miss her and I wish that she would call and talk to me. Mal and Beck took her back home and she hasn’t returned any of my calls. I'm trying to keep my calm, but knowing the details gutted me. While I knew Mal and Cam’s parents, I wasn’t that close them. I enjoyed a dinner or two with the family, but I wasn’t around them enough to think of them as my family as well. I had to stay back here in Vegas and take over Mal’s duties while they were back home, but my mind wasn’t here. I wanted to be with them, to be with Cam and to let her bury her head in my chest and cry as much as she needs. Instead, I’m dealing with vendor orders, music selections and payroll.

I've spoken with Cam only once since she landed, but I haven’t heard from her since.

I understand though.

Her mom.

She’s dead.

Cam’s devastated. I would be too if I were in her position.

When Mal and Beck came running into my house to get Cam, I saw the pain and the sorrow in Mal’s eyes. They weren’t saying what happened to not worry Cam off the bat, but when Cam and Beck went into the bedroom, I persuaded Mal to do it with me there, for her if she needed that support.

I’m sitting in the upstairs office at the club when my phone vibrates across the desk in front of me. I look at my watch. It’s two in the morning and my phone never rings at this time of night.

I glance at the phone screen.

Mal.

I answer, hoping that Cam is with him and I get a chance to speak with her.

“Mate?” Mal greets.

“Hey. How is everyone holding up?” I ask, leaning back in the chair.

“It’s somber that’s for sure. Pop is just a shell and Cam seems to be in denial.”

“Fuck.” I tug at my short hair. “And you?” I question.

Mal takes a deep breath. “I’m getting by. Having Beck here is helpful. Since no one else has come to terms with everything, I’m making a lot of calls and arrangements. It’s all very taxing.”

“Is there anything that I can do?” I ask with worry.

“Distract me for a few minutes. What kind of shit is happening right now?”

“Well, I’m participating in girl talk with Kendra and Janae. I’ve lost my balls and I think I’m growing tits.”

“You would look strange with tits.”

“I think I would look rather great. Think about it. I’m not a bad looking guy so if I had tits, I would be a hot commodity.”

“I think you would be a hit with a particular type of group, but not the general public. I mean I doubt my sister would like it if you had tits.”

“Don’t knock it.”

“Your brain is leaking mate.” Mal laughs.

“Where’s Cam?” I ask curiously.

“She’s next door at Mrs. Williams’ place. Cam used to help Mrs. Williams out occasionally before she moved to Vegas. I think she’s picking up where she left off, trying to occupy herself and do what feels normal to her.”

“I hate being here while she’s there.” I groan.

“I know it would cost a lot, but maybe you can make it out here for the funeral, I can send you the details. I know Cam would appreciate it. Shit man, I would appreciate it. I felt bad enough that Beck and I took off with no warning, but you have a few days to prepare. What do you say?”

“I’m not sure she would want me there. We haven’t spoken since she first arrived.”

“Mate, she’s out of sorts. She needs you, she just doesn’t know it right now. Give her a ring; I’m sure she would answer it.”

I can hear Beck in the background and Mal ends the conversation. He tells me that he’ll send me the funeral information and we say our goodbyes. I look at my calendar and black out Wednesday through the weekend to go home and be there for my best mate and my girl. I pull up the schedule and try to think hard about what the fuck we’ll do for management since both Mal and myself will be gone. Kendra is only one person and we can’t ask her to work such long days. After about an hour of wracking my brain, I decide that the head of security, Dwayne, and bar manager, Janae, can fill in the slots of time when Kendra can’t be here. I’ve spaced out Kendra’s hours to where she will be at the club during the peak hours, and Janae or Dwayne will stay until closing. Kendra can check everything when she arrives the next afternoon.

I feel like I could solve any brain teaser after everything I just worked out.

I write everything out on the whiteboard on the wall, stand back and admire my thought process. The next day, I show up to the club early enough to catch Kendra with a few hours left to go on her shift, so I could present the plan to her.

She is completely on board, and she even offers to work a few additional hours on the busiest days. We each do some scribbling on the whiteboard and, by the time she had to take off, we are both satisfied with the schedule for the days I’ll be gone.

My phone rang a few times while I was working on the schedule with Kendra. I had ignored it at the time, and when I finally picked up my phone, I was kicking my own ass because I missed two calls from Cam. I immediately dial her number, hoping that she picks up.

The line connects, and I hear a rustling of fabric before she answers.

“Jacks,” she says breathily.

“‘Ello, love. How are you?” I miss you.

“Holding up. Listen. I wanted to call you as soon as I made up my mind. I didn’t want to prolong this any more than it should be.”

“Everything okay?” I ask.

“I’m not coming home,” she says quickly. "I'm staying here. I need to. I'm needed here."

The sounds of a car wreck are distinct and devastating – the squealing of tires, the screeching of brakes, the boom of impact, the crunch of metal, The silence that surrounds the space immediately after is just as overwhelming. That’s what I’m experiencing right now. I’m not sure if my heart has stopped or not, because time has stopped. I’m not completely sure I heard her right.

I clear my throat. “Come again?”

“I’m staying here. Home. In Australia.”

* * *

I’m not an extremely tall man, but sitting in an airplane for seventeen hours is brutal. I sleep as much as my body permits, but the individual sitting beside me keeps climbing over me to use the facilities, and the beverage cart keeps slamming into my elbow as it passes up and down the aisle.

When I land in Sydney, I arrange for a rental and make my way to the home of Cam and Malcolm’s parents in Waverton on Sydney’s north shore. I drive through the familiar streets of the small suburban area, passing small shops and local restaurants, into the neighborhoods filled with homes, large ones with amazing architecture, high rise apartments, and cottages of all sizes. Their parents lived in a medium-size cottage with a backyard you can see the harbor in the distance. Next to their home is a pocket park, packed with children running around at the moment. The area is so close to the city, yet still quiet. Only the laughing kookaburras and children make up for the sounds of the city across the way.

I pull up and park my rental behind another rental car and step out.

I came with no plan other than to be here for Cam and for Mal and to be a support for Cam and her family in whatever way that I can. I know she’s doing whatever she can do to keep busy which also may be including that she’s avoiding her feelings and everything that’s happening.

After the phone call when Cam told me she was ending things with me the other night, I’ve been pulling my hair out. I’m frustrated, devastated, and feeling the sorrow that I’m sure she is feeling from losing her mom. Mal called me the same night Cam did and told me that she was out of her mind with grief and likely didn’t know what she was saying. He thinks she was talking out of grief and not out of her actual wants or reality as a whole.

I don’t want to force her to come back to Vegas, but I also didn’t want her to give up on us. Still, I understand why she thinks that she should stay.

I’ve come to the realization that I am going to the woman I love. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I love her. There was no question about it.

I love Cam.

I. Love. Her.

So regardless of her decision about relocating, I need to be there for her, and for Mal. I need to tell her in person, so I can look into her eyes when I tell her that I completely adore her, that I love her with everything that I am. I need to see her and, even if she doesn’t change her mind, then at least I will have been there for those that I love in their time of grieving and then return home.

Alone.

I slowly walk the distance from the curb to the front door. I hesitate and take a deep breath, then knock on the door. Mal opens up the door and then pushes open the screen, a weak smile on his tired face and a sigh of relief. He pulls me in for a half hug and a pat on the back, then steps aside to let me into the house.

“I’m glad you could make it. I need all the help I can get. Pop won’t get out of bed and Cam seems to be constantly busying herself with mediocre tasks in order to avoid us as much as possible. She doesn’t know you were planning on coming.”

We walk into the kitchen and through a sliding glass door leading to the back porch, which overlooks greenery and then the water. Beck is sitting in one of the lounge chairs and turns her head when we come outside. She stands and approaches, opening her arms to embrace me.

“So glad you could come. I know it means a lot to them,” she whispers in my ear.

“No other place I would rather be,” I reply with all honesty.

“How ya going?” I look to Mal and he shrugs.

“It’s a toss-up. Sometimes I feel like I’m barmy as a bandicoot, other times I’m fine.”

“And Cam? You don’t think Cam staying here is what she really wants, do you?” I ask with hope.

They both shake their heads. “Cam is happy in Las Vegas with you. Despite Ma passing, Cam is truly happy with you. I think she’s looking for the familiar, and that’s here.”

“So what I need to do is to show her the familiar with me, with the four of us. You think that will change her mind?” I ask.

“Her mind isn’t made up. She’s running on empty. She’s frantic and constantly on the move. She won’t allow herself to slow down. Since we arrived, she’s barely slept and hasn’t sat down long enough to digest fully everything that’s happened,” Beck says.

“Where is she now?” I ask, wanting to rush to her.

“She went to the chemist; Pop needed a refill. She should be home shortly.”

As soon as Mal finished speaking, a door slammed somewhere in the house and I could hear yelling. It’s Cam’s voice. I look nervously to Mal who stands and goes inside the house to retrieve his sister.

He leaves the door open and I hear him asking her to come outside. She groans and tries to make up an excuse, so he drags her outside by the elbow. I stand up to full height as Cam steps foot on the deck. She halts and I’m unsure what to do with my fucking arms. The itch to reach out to her is strong.

Should I cross them or should I just reach out?

She crosses the distance and makes the decision for me. She rushes into me and buries her face in my chest. Her slender shoulders shaking as her arms tighten around my waist as my hands wrap around her waist and go to the back of her head to hold her close to me.

“We’re just going to…” Beck trails off as she stands and indicates they’re going inside to give Cam and me privacy.

We stand there in silence for a few minutes, holding onto another. She’s crying into my shirt, and I'm relishing the fact that I'm holding her. I’m not sure how much time goes by before she sniffles and pulls back. She has glassy red eyes from crying and her beautiful blonde hair is mussed from my hand. I reach to smooth it out, just to touch her.

“What are you doing here?” she finally asks.

“Your Ma died. You think I was going to make you go through this shit on your own?”

“But, I think we broke up,” she stammers, her eyes searching mine.

“You tried to break up with me,” I say simply with a smirk.

“Tried?”

“Love, I’m not going to let you go without a fight.”

“I can’t go back to Vegas. There’s so much here for me to take care of. I need to make sure the house doesn’t crumble now that Ma is gone. Pop can’t take care of it by himself.” A lone tear escapes the edge of her right eye and I lift my hand to catch it.

“Have you talked to your Pop about this?” I ask.

“No, he’s been kind of reclusive.”

“Listen, I don’t want to force you to do something that you don’t want to do. But I think you should talk to your Pop about this. In the meantime, I’m here through Sunday. I’m here for you and for Mal, but mainly for you.”

Tears break again and she pushes her face back into my chest. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head.

I’ll wait to tell her how I feel. How much I need her in my life.