Cam

Jacks is here. He’s really here.

He flew all the way to Sydney to be here for me. And to be here for his best mate, but he said that he was mainly here for me. For me.

I think I fell just a little more in lust with him. Lust? No. Love is the word I’m looking for.

I love him.

Jacks. I love him.

But I’m torn. I feel obligated to stay in Sydney and not return to Las Vegas. Who else is going to take care of Pop? Since the news of Ma’s passing, he’s confined himself to his bedroom. He’s barely eaten any of the food we’ve left for him, and he hasn’t spoken to Mal or me since we arrived. What will happen to him if no one is around to take care of him?

. As soon as I set foot on Aussie soil, my phone lit up with message notifications. We drove straight to the hospital and found Pop sitting at the edge of her empty bed with his head in his hands. He hasn’t said a word since and I just don’t know what to do. Ma was his life. She held this house together and the family as well. That’s not to say my father won’t survive, but he’s had someone look after him for so many years, how will be manage?

I’ve been keeping myself busy with little chores here and there to keep moving, to keep from dwelling on what happened. On top of household things, I’ve checked in on old Mrs. Williams next door. Before I moved to the States, I had helped her around the house doing chores she could no longer do. Guess I came home and picked up right where I left off. I’ve been grateful for the familiarity of these old habits and the distraction they offer.

I had made the late-night decision that I couldn’t go back to Nevada. To do that would be selfish, since Pop and Mrs. Williams need me here. What I didn’t take into account was that I am needed in Las Vegas too. I have a life there. I have new friends, my brother and Beck and I have Jacks. That’s not to say here in Waverton that I don’t have my old life and friends, but I moved to the States to start fresh and I was loving the life that I started in the States, more than I knew when I told Jacks I wasn’t coming home.

Home. That’s in the States now.

Once I’ve cried enough on Jacks’s shirt, I drag him inside the house where Beck and Mal are watching telly.

“Did you kiss and make up?” Mal asks.

“Not yet,” Jacks says, smiling. He’s holding my hand tightly as if I might run away.

We sit together on the other side of the room, hands interlocked, and thighs touching. It feels comfortable, soothing. I lean my head on his shoulder and breathe in his musky smell.

“So, what do you need help with? I’m at your service,” Jacks says to Mal.

“I’ve got all the preparations made. The service is tomorrow. We have a car picking up the family at noon. Then folks will be coming back here afterwards.”

“Ugh, a party? Why?” I complain.

“It’s a celebration of life. We’re just hosting; her book club friends are planning it,” Mal explains. “A few hours of mingling and some day drinking and that’s it.”

“This sucks. When I die, I don’t want a funeral. I want to be cremated and my ashes spread at the harbor. I don’t want any one crying and wiping their snot all over the place. I want a celebration, a party. And definitely no churchy stuff.” I untangle my hand from Jacks’s and cross my arms over my chest.

I hear shuffling feet in the hallway and turn my gaze to see Pop in his pajamas with a newspaper in his hand.

He looks confused and then shakes his head and turns to walk into the kitchen. I attempt to get up but Mal stands first, holds his hand out and then follows after Pop.

“This is the first time he’s come out of his bedroom,” Beck whispers.

We sit silently, straining to hear anything that is said between my brother and father, but their voices are low and we’re unable to hear their conversation. After more shuffling, Pop retreats back to his room and Mal comes out of the kitchen looking forlorn.

“Good news is that he’s come out of his bedroom. Bad news is that he went back into his bedroom,” Mal says, retaking his seat next to his wife.

“What did he say?” I ask.

“He said that he needs time. He’s processing.” Beck places her hand on the top of my brother’s thigh and squeezes. They look to one another and offer each other a smile before returning their gaze back to Jacks and me.

“Where are you staying?” Mal asks.

“There’s an inn nearby that I was planning on giving a ring.”

“You can stay here. I mean my bed is really small but—”

“Why don’t you come and stay with me at the inn?” Jacks asks me.

Panic lodges in my throat. What if Pop needs me? What if something happens to Mal or Beck? What if…?

“I should stay here,” I say quietly, looking away.

“You’re not going to retreat, Cam,” Mal says to me sternly.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not going to pull away. Go with Jacks. That’s better than you two making all sorts of noises in your bedroom. Which by the way, I never want to hear.”

* * *

I stand awkwardly at the door of the room. I’m not sure what to do with myself. My mind races with all the what ifs and I’m mentally making a list of things I need to do tomorrow. I should be back at the house. I should be there just in case I'm needed.

Pop coming out of the bedroom was great, but it wasn’t him. He wasn’t his usual put-together self. He was flustered, unkempt and unfocused. He didn’t acknowledge the individuals in his house in the grand way he normally would. His heart is broken and there’s nothing I can do to help him. Staying here, will ultimately help my Pop, I think. But then if I stay here, I lose Jacks. I can’t ask him to sell his part of the business with my brother and move back to Sydney. He has his life in Vegas, he has so much invested there, while I have a measly minimum wage job and that’s it. Wait, I don’t even have that; I’m jobless. Now I lose the ability to see Mal and Beck whenever I want.

I have Jacks.

I have my brother.

I have Beck.

No Matter what is chosen.

* * *

I cried. I cried a lot today. So much so, that my eyes are swollen and my head is pounding.

As soon as we got into the town car, Beck pulled a box of Kleenex and pain relievers out of her purse. Like Mary Poppins and her bottomless carpet bag, she followed that by pulling out some bottled water. I tried my best to hide my laugh at everything she pulled out that I snorted, which caused my brother to look at me oddly.

Jacks held my hand or had his arm around me all day long. Not one moment passed when he was not touching me and that in itself was extremely comforting. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been here. I wasn’t aware of how much I would need him, and I’m scared to think of what it would have been like if he hadn’t been here today. Realizing that makes my thoughts of the future even more confusing. I want to be with Jacks, but I also need to be here for my Pop.

Pop was silent and didn’t look anyone in the eye the entire day. When we all left her gravesite, he lingered behind and sat in front of the plot for a while before making it back to the waiting town car. When we got back to the house, Pop retreated into the bedroom and didn’t come out for the rest of the day. Malcolm, Beck, Jacks and I put on smiling faces despite the sadness and spoke to the various guests who had some part of Ma’s life. I recognized maybe half of the people who came to the house, but they all seemed to know who Mal and I were.

It was a challenging day, emotionally and physically. Now that it’s over, my feet are killing me, so Jacks is massaging them as we sit together on the wicker couch on the back patio. The sky is multicolored and the air is crisp, the smell of salt from the harbor flooding my senses. The neighborhood is silent, allowing the sound of clinking dishes to carry from the kitchen.

“I’m going to miss her,” I say quietly.

“From what I remember from when Mal and I were at uni, she was quite the woman.” He nods. His eyes and effort are focused on the pad of my foot.

“She liked you, you know.” I smile.

“Yeah? Did you tell her about us?” he tilts his head in wonder.

“I may have mentioned it once or twice.” I think back to the conversation I had with my mom the night after Jacks and I spent the night together, the night he gave me a lap dance and then took me to his room.

“Hey, Ma. So, I kind of met someone. Well, I didn’t meet someone new, but I kinda like someone.” I smile into the phone. I hear Ma gasp on the other end.

“And who would this suitor be, trying to get his donger into your knickers?” she croons.

“You remember Jacks, Mal’s friend?” I giggle. God, I’m giggling. I’m an adult and I’m giggling to my mother over a guy.

“Oh, Jacks. I adore Jacks. He’s a stand-up guy.”

“We started dating and it’s going really, really well.”

“He’s such a lovely lad.” I can tell she’s smiling by the tone of her voice.

“Where’d you go just now?” Jacks asks from his side of the couch.

I shake my head. “Sorry. Just remembering a conversation I’d had with Ma. Today’s been a beast of a day. Do you mind if we head to the inn?” I ask.

“Not at all.” He smiles as he removes his suit jacket and lays it over my shoulders. “Let’s say our goodbyes and get out of here.”

We ride in silence the ten minutes that it takes to get to the inn. Once we’re inside, I’m dragging my feet. Emotionally drained, we change out of our formal clothes and slip into bed. Jacks spoons me and kisses the top of my shoulder.

“Thank you, Jacks,” I say.

“For what, love?” His chin props on my shoulder.

“For being here today.”

“There’s no place I would rather be.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve more than me,” he says, tightening his hold around my waist.

Morning is here sooner than I would have preferred. The light creeps in through the gap between the curtain panels. Jacks is lying on his back behind me, breathing lightly, so I turn over to observe him. He looks so peaceful. His head rests on his arm and his other arm is reaching out for me.

He came to Sydney after I told him I was staying here and not going back to Las Vegas. I basically broke up with him over the phone and still, here he is.

Do I want to stay here? No, I don’t. But if I go, who will watch over Pop like Ma had done for so many years? If I leave, will my conscience be satisfied knowing I abandoned my only remaining parent, for a guy?

It’s not like I have a job to go home to, so what’s the difference?

If I stay here, what will I miss out on with Jacks?

Will I miss seeing my brother and building my new friendship with Beck?

Can Jacks and I go back to being friends, to being just Mal’s best mate and Mal’s little sister, or will there be awkwardness when we see each other?

One thing is for sure. As I watch Jacks sleep, I think to myself that I love him and I don't want to miss out on the experience in learning the answers to any of those pending questions.