CHAPTER 15
Dear Mom and Dad,
Will you please send me another bathing suit? I’ve been spending a lot of time in the water. Don’t worry. It’s not like it was before. I promise.
And make it a two-piece.
Z
The camp stands divided into two groups on the archery field. The sun hangs low in the sky, which is changing from baby blue to a pink, purple, and orange. At least, the darkness will give my skin a break. Heat radiates off my shoulders from my sunburn. I might have blisters tomorrow. I yawn into my hand, my body sluggish, as Kerry goes over the rules for capture the flag.
“I finally know why you were sent here,” Dori whispers to me.
My stomach drops to the ground as I whisper back, “Why?”
She leans toward my ear. “Because clearly you’re a masochist.”
“I’m not a masochist.”
“Then what are you doing with Cassie?” She says it a little too loud and Kerry looks at us.
“Teamwork,” Kerry says loudly. “Is essential to success in life. No one can survive on his or her own. You are not alone. I want you to remember that when you leave Camp Padua. You are not alone. We need each other. And if you’re ever feeling lost, remember it’s easier to find yourself if other people help you look.” He looks in our direction as he tries to make the game of capture the flag into some team-building activity that’s going to help all the lost souls here.
When Kerry looks away, I say to Dori, “It’s nothing.”
“You stood in the water for three hours and let Cassie make fun of you.”
“She wasn’t making fun of me.” I cross my arms over my chest and fidget uncomfortably in my own skin. I need aloe.
Dori cocks her head to the side. “She wasn’t?”
I review some of Cassie’s comments from today’s swim lesson. Dori is right about the three hours. We stood thigh-deep in the water as Cassie refused to bend down, put her face in the water, and blow bubbles. In the end, Cassie never did it. When the bell rang, she threw her orange life jacket on the beach and left it for me to put away. I tried not to be disappointed, but realized that I wanted to feel disappointed. I got sunburned for nothing.
“It was more like observations,” I whisper.
Dori shakes her head at me as Kerry finishes. “One cannot survive on his or her own. Life takes teamwork,” he says. He hands out the flags and points out the boundaries for the game. “You can hide your flag anywhere in the woods around the archery field and stables. Please do not leave the area. Any questions?”
A hand in the crowd goes up. I look at the long fingers attached to an even longer arm that’s attached to an even longer skinny body. Grover’s head sticks up over most of the campers.
“Yes, Grover,” Kerry says.
“I have a question.”
“Okay.”
“I actually have a lot of questions,” Grover amends.
“Okay. What about?”
Grover shakes his head. “Girls . . . or should I call them women? That’s my first question.”
“You should call them women,” Kerry says.
“Okay. My first question is about women. Why do they smell so good?”
“What does this have to do with the game?” Kerry looks like his patience is waning.
“How am I supposed to play a game when there are women running around smelling so good? I can barely sit next to Zander at dinner without smelling her neck. It’s distracting and seems unfair.”
Dori looks at me. My sunburned skin gets even hotter.
“I told you,” Kerry says. “No boy-girl relationships at camp.”
“And I told you, Grover and Zander sounds like a gay couple. No one will know.”
“Clearly, Zander is not a boy.” Kerry points at me.
“She might be.” Cassie pipes up. “Have you seen her bathing suit?”
“Oh, I have.” Grover’s voice sounds flirty and he wiggles his eyebrows. I cover my face with my hand.
“Back to the questions,” Kerry says.
“Technically, Sticks asked a question,” Grover says. “So what about the boys who might like boys or the girls who like girls? Are they allowed to have relationships at camp?”
Cassie raises her hand. “What about the girls who think they might be boys having a relationship with boys or girls depending on the day?”
“Yes.” Grover points at Cassie. “Which leads me to another question. If a girl thinks she’s a boy locked in a girl’s body, does she smell like a girl or a boy?”
“You mean woman,” Cassie says.
“Right. Woman,” Grover says.
“No relationships whatsoever,” Kerry says. “Now, can we please stick to the topic at hand?”
“You asked if I had any questions. I’m just asking them,” Grover says innocently.
“About the game,” Kerry says emphatically.
“The game?” Grover’s face looks surprised. “We played it last year. I’m cool. Proceed.”
“Thank you.” Kerry blows a whistle and campers start to move.
“Grover really likes you,” Dori says as our team huddles to make a plan.
“Don’t remind me.”
“Why do you act like that’s a bad thing?” she says.
I don’t answer her because I don’t know what to say. I get jumbled just thinking about Grover and his colorful feelings mixing with mine. They could potentially make a rainbow or they could make a large mess of brown.
Our team eventually finds a hiding spot high up in a tree, and we stuff our flag there. When the team goes to split into groups, Cassie steps in.
“I’ll take it from here.” She points around at the group. “You, you, you, not you, you, definitely not you, you, and Zander. You’re with me. We’ll be in charge of finding the other flag.”
Dori pats me on my back as she takes off with the other half of our team and says sarcastically, “Good luck.”
I stand, half hunched over as we make a plan to capture the flag.
“Let’s split up,” Cassie says. She comes up to me and grabs my shoulder. “You’re coming with me.”
“Ouch.” I pull away. “I’m sunburned.”
“White-people problems.” Cassie shakes her head. “Come on, Z, in the name of teamwork, I need your help.”
Cassie proceeds to drag me through the woods, away from the group and the boundaries Kerry set for the game. I try to pull free, but Cassie won’t let go of my arm. My ankle still aches a bit and I stumble.
“Where are we going?” I ask, out of breath.
But Cassie doesn’t answer; she just pulls on me harder, her nails digging into my skin. When I finally trip on a root sticking out of the ground and fall, she stops.
“What the hell are we doing?” I yell and slam my hand on the ground.
“Aren’t you feisty tonight? I told you, I need your help. Consider it a teamwork activity.”
“This isn’t teamwork,” I say. “This is you bossing me around. I tried to help you all day and all you do is make fun of me!”
Cassie stares at me lying on the ground. Her eyes narrow and something different, something I’ve only seen a few times, flashes in them. Sadness.
“Fine.” She starts to walk away.
I groan as I stand up. I don’t care if Cassie looks sad that I won’t come with her. She can walk away all she wants. I’m done running after her. I’m done standing in the water, waiting for her to make a move. Except . . .
Maybe that’s what everyone has done to her. They’ve left her standing alone in the water because they couldn’t take it anymore, and I know what alone feels like.
“Wait,” I yell to her. Cassie looks back at me. “I’m coming.”
And in that moment, the sadness on her face washes away.
“Just wait out here,” she says when we’re back at our cabin and she disappears inside. When she comes out, she’s wearing the University of Arizona sweatshirt I gave her and carrying her duffel bag.
“Are you running away or something?”
“From what? You can’t run away when you’re nowhere to start. Come on.”
We walk across camp without another word. Cassie seems calm at my side, every once in a while glancing at my burned shoulders. I, on the other hand, look around like a squirrel worried it’s going to be hit by a car.
“Would you relax, Z,” she says when we get to the Wellness Center. The lights are off inside the wooden building that holds all the medicine needed for kids at camp and who knows what else.
“What are we doing here?” I ask, but Cassie doesn’t answer me as she walks up to the locked door and pulls out a key. “Where did you get that?”
“Not telling,” she mocks and unlocks the door. “Now stay out here and watch my back.”
“Not unless you tell me what you’re doing.”
“The less you know the better,” Cassie says.
“Why?” I bark.
“Innocence, Z. I’m trying to protect you.”
I ease back hearing that. “Well, what’s so important in the Wellness Center anyway?”
Cassie looks me dead in the eyes. “I’m getting something we need.”
She disappears into the building. I pace back and forth looking around for anyone who might come up. What could Cassie need? A million possibilities go through my mind. This is the girl who popped a handful of diet pills the first moment I met her, and I just let her go into a building full of drugs with a duffel bag? I clench my hands at my sides and dig my fingernails into my skin. It hurts. And I don’t want to hurt. But I can’t stop it like I used to. I can’t make it go away.
The second I’m about to go in and get her myself, I hear someone.
I duck behind the side of the building and peek to see who it is. I can feel my heartbeat in my temples as I wait. When a long shadow creeps around the corner followed by a short round one, I ease back.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I whisper harshly as I see Grover and Bek.
“Backup.” Grover opens his arms like he’s inviting me in. When I don’t move closer, he leans into me. “Cassie wasn’t sure you had the guts.” He nudges my side.
“The guts?” I ask.
“Yeah, the guts.” Grover says it like he’s taunting me. “I told her you did.”
I lean back against the building, suddenly exhausted. My legs are tired from standing in the water all day. And Cassie doesn’t think I have guts? No one else at this camp would subject themselves to her sarcastic form of torture, except for maybe Grover. I rest my head back against the wall and look up at the darkening sky. Only little patches of color can be seen through the heavy canopy of trees.
“What’s the sky like in Arizona?” Grover asks, his soft question surprising me.
“It’s big, I guess. Bigger than it is here.” I keep my eyes up, trying to find a star through the branches. Our yard doesn’t have a single tree in it, just hard grass and dust. Grass is different here. It’s smooth, like silk. Like it’s not starving for water.
I take a seat on the ground, my body feeling deflated. My voice comes out flat when I say, “Everything’s just more exposed in Arizona.”
“I think I’d like it.” Grover sits next to me.
I shake my head but can’t look at him. “You wouldn’t.”
“Why not?” he asks.
I run my hand over the well-watered, alive grass beside me. “Because everything is one moment away from dying.”
I touch the crescent moon indents on my hands that are now fading. The seat of my shorts is starting to feel damp from the rain still soaked in the ground. If I picked up a handful of dirt, it would stick to my palm and fingers. If I did the same in Arizona, it would break into pieces and disappear in the breeze.
As I stare at my hands, I feel something. I glance and catch Grover staring at my neck. A moment later, he catches me catching him. His eyes move down to my sunburn, and Grover touches my shoulder. It stings.
“It hurts,” I say.
He nods and rests his hands in his lap.
“I have a question,” Bek pipes up. He’s pacing in front of us, picking at his nails and looking more nervous than me.
“Just one?” Grover asks.
“What does love feel like?” Bek asks.
“What?” I sit up a bit.
Bek’s eyes get wide, the blue center bright. He looks scared. “I think I’m in love.”
“Is he lying?” I whisper to Grover.
He shrugs. “It’s on my list of questions.”
At that moment, Cassie comes flying out of the door. She runs square into Bek, knocking him on his butt. Her duffel bag lands on the ground.
“Sorry, Piglet.” She offers him her hand and he takes it. Even in the twilight, I see Bek’s cheeks blush.
“Did you get what you need, Sticks?”
Cassie nods at Grover and shakes free from Bek’s grip. “Oh my God, your hands are sweaty.”
“Je suis désolé,” he mumbles. I perk up when I hear the French.
“What?” Cassie asks.
“Nothing.” Bek shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at me bug-eyed, like he’s begging me not to reveal his secret.
“So what’s in the bag?” I reach to grab it off the ground, but Cassie moves in front of me.
“Don’t worry about it.” She slings it over her shoulder. “Let’s get the hell out of here. I need to dump this before anyone sees us.”
We half walk, half jog back to our cabin, Bek next to Cassie and Grover next to me. I stare at the duffel bag, wondering what could possibly be in there and at the same time feeling like maybe I don’t want to know.
“I almost forgot.” Cassie pulls a bottle from her shorts and tosses it at me.
I catch it. “Aloe?” I ask.
“Sorry about your sunburn, Z.”
Cassie picks up the pace as she runs ahead with Bek. I stand, holding a full bottle of aloe, shocked.
“Where are you from, Grover?” I finally say.
But he doesn’t answer me. When I’m about to ask the question again, Cassie’s voice cuts me off.
“Don’t waste your time, Z. He’ll never tell you.”
“Why not?” I ask the question to Grover.
“Did you know that four in ten people never leave the place where they were born?” he says.
I groan at him, too tired and sunburned for his games.
In the cabin, Cassie hides the duffel bag under her bed. Bek takes a long inhale as he stands in the doorway. “It smells like grapes in here.”
“See,” Grover says. “Girls smell good.”
“Is food all you think about, Baby Fat?” Cassie pokes Bek in the stomach.
“And sex.” He nods.
“I told you.” Grover says to me. “Is this your bed?” He sits down on Molly’s quilt.
Why is he allowed to ask so many questions, but when I ask he never answers? He picks up the quilt and inspects the bloodstain from the other night. I run my fingers through my hair and stop myself the second I almost pull a few strands loose. A lump forms in my throat.
“Let’s get out of here before we catch one of Mad’s STDs.” Cassie walks out with Bek behind her.
I wait for Grover to get off my bed, but he doesn’t. He runs his hands over my pillow and sits back on my bed, comfortable. I avoid his eyes. He taps on the spot next to him, inviting me to sit down, but I don’t move. Instead, I walk into the bathroom and inspect my sunburned shoulders. They’re redder than I thought. I rub the cool aloe on them. When Grover comes to stand behind me, I shiver. Maybe from the aloe. Or maybe not.
“It hurts,” I say.
He nods. “I know. But it’s the only way to heal.”
I nod back at him. “That sucks.”
“Yes it does,” Grover says.
He looks at me in the mirror, his face so calm and even. How does he do that when he’s balancing unsteadily on something that might break any second? The thought makes my stomach hurt or maybe my heart break. I can’t tell.
“Why won’t you tell me where you live?” I ask.
“Because I’m a coward.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Well, you’ve got problems,” Grover says.
“So do you.”
“I acknowledge that,” he says.
I do have problems, but I’m working on that. So I tilt my head to the side and hold my hair back, exposing my neck.
“Go ahead,” I say.
“Seriously?” Grover asks.
My hands shake. “Yes.”
He smiles as he bends down to me. His nose graces my skin, like a feather.
And then Grover smells my neck.
As we walk back to the archery field, he says, “I noticed something.”
“What?”
“Cassie has a new sweatshirt.”
I shrug. “She does?” I ask.
Grover nods as we crunch over pine needles in the woods.
“How did you and Cassie become friends anyway?” I ask.
“She punched me.” A goofy grin sits on Grover’s face. “For calling her Sticks.”
“But you still call her that.”
He takes a step closer to me. “How many nicknames do you think Cassie has?”
“Not many,” I say.
“Why do you think that is?” he asks. I look into his wide eyes. There are secrets in him. I can practically see them. “Because no one cares enough to give her one. She needed me to care.”
He wipes his fingertips across my aloe-coated shoulder.
“She’ll swim,” he says. “Don’t give up on her.”
Don’t give up, I repeat in my head.
“Where have you guys been?” Madison comes through the trees, out of breath. “We’ve been looking for you.”
“We’ve been looking for us, too,” Grover says.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Madison asks.
“What does that mean, Zander?” Grover looks at me.
Sometimes people are lost because they’re too afraid to look at the path. Sometimes people avoid the road for fear of what might be on it. It’s easier to stand in the shadows and watch.
“Teamwork.” I shrug. “Kerry said if something is lost, it’s easier to find it if other people help you look.”
And in the dark, I see Grover smile. “Amen.”