CHAPTER 31
Dear Gerber Memorial Hospital,
Your beds are hard. Your sheets are starchy. And if one more person asks me to eat Jell-O, I’m going to file a lawsuit.
Kisses,
Cassie
When I round the corner on the hospital floor, Kerry lets out an exasperated sigh. “Where the hell were you?”
“I had to run an errand.” I hold up my goods.
“Jesus, Zander.”
“It’s just Zander, but thank you for the compliment. You know, you really shouldn’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”
He cocks his head, seemingly not amused, and picks up the sweatshirt lying on my chair. “You left this.”
I take it from him. “I need to see her again.”
“You have to do something for me first.”
“Fine.”
“Set everything down.”
I follow his orders and place the bag and sweatshirt on a chair.
“Stand on one foot,” Kerry says. “Put your arms out at your side for balance.”
I look at him like he’s losing it, but at this point we all are a little crazy, so I follow his instructions, wobbling a little bit at first, but then I settle into a steady place.
“Whatever you do, do not put your foot down until I tell you to. If you do, you can’t see Cassie. If your foot touches the ground, you go back to camp.”
I must look like a flamingo hovering on one leg in the middle of a hospital waiting room, but I keep my back straight and breathe.
Kerry smiles at me. “I’ll be back.” He starts to walk away.
“When?” I holler at him.
“Don’t put your foot down.” He leaves me and disappears down the hall.
I take a breath and stare at the wall. After a while my lifted leg starts to ache. Then my standing leg. Then my arms. Then I start to sweat. I make my breathing even and stare harder, but eventually my whole body hurts. Gravity pushes on me like a torture device, and I shake under the pressure. But I remind myself of Cassie in her hospital bed and how I need to see her. I need to.
It feels like forever until Kerry gets back. I’ve gone numb and I’m on the brink of tears. His face curls up into a broad smile as he sips a fresh coffee. I grit my teeth and look back at the wall.
“You can put your foot down.”
The second my toes touch the ground, I collapse.
Kerry sits down in a chair and pats the seat next to him. I crawl over to him on my hands and knees.
“Perseverance is one of the final things we talk about at camp. It’s an important life skill.”
“Okay.” I shake out my legs.
He squares his shoulders to me. “Charlie didn’t think he had it in him. And he cut his life short before he could find out that he did.” Kerry points to my legs. “Even when it hurts. Even when it feels like we can’t go on. You need to make sure Cassie knows that. It might hurt like hell for her, but she can do it. And she’ll listen to you.”
Kerry goes back to the nurses’ station then, and a few minutes later I get led back to Cassie’s room. Finally.
I settle into the doctor’s chair once again, setting the bag and sweatshirt on her bed. The nurse closes the door so that only a crack is left open. I sigh, relieved to be alone with my friend.
Her eyes are still closed and the machines are beeping, but I block it out. I take out the bottle of nail polish remover from the drugstore bag and a few cotton balls. I pick up Cassie’s hand and inspect it. Just as I suspected, little bits of cracked, broken polish speckle her nails.
I take each finger and gently rub it down with a soaked cotton ball until all of the polish is gone. The slate is wiped clean.
I move to the other side of the bed and do her other hand. The nail polish remover smell covers up the death smell that seeps in through the crack in the door. I take the purple polish that I’ve chosen for Cassie out of the bag and, slowly, I paint her nails. I make sure to stay inside the lines. When I slip, I wipe it clean and start again.
I blow on them when I’m done, pulling in my breath and giving it back to her. Then I drape my sweatshirt over Cassie’s small body and sit back in the seat next to her.
No one comes to get me, so I just sit. I rest my head down on the bed and just breathe with the ticking machines in the room.
At one point, I fall asleep. It’s brief, and I wake up startled when Cassie’s bed moves.
“Why does it smell like an Asian beauty salon in here?” she says, her voice raspy.
I stand up and move closer to make sure I’m not imagining her talking.
“Say something else,” I say.
“Bek said I was going to hell, but this looks like a hospital.” I laugh and launch myself on top of her. Cassie winces from pain.
“Sorry.” I pull back. Reality seems to hit Cassie slowly. She pulls up on the restraints holding down her hands.
“What happened?” Cassie’s face has turned sullen.
“I’ll let the doctors tell you.” I touch her arm.
“You brought my sweatshirt,” she says. I smile when she takes back ownership of it and nod. “And you painted my nails?”
“You needed a fresh coat.”
Cassie looks down at her hands. “I already messed one up.”
I shrug as the doctors come into the room. “It was bound to happen. Nothing stays perfect forever. And I like it better that way.”
“You’re not going to leave me, Z, are you?”
I shake my head. “No, Cassie. I won’t leave you. But you have to promise you won’t leave me either.”
Cassie looks up at the popcorn ceiling and nods slowly.
I pull a box of Lemonheads out of the bag and place it in her hand. “Take one in case of emergency.”
Cassie looks back at me. A tear rolls down her cheek. “Thanks, Z.”