CHAPTER 29
Dear Mom and Dad,
When Molly was first in the hospital, you took me to see her. I walked into the room with all those machines. It was louder than I thought it would be. I asked you what I was supposed to do. You said to just talk to her like I always did. That she could hear me.
But I never talked to Molly other than when I helped Mom feed her. I’d tell her to open wide and then pretend the spoon was an airplane coming in for a landing.
She was small in the bed. I touched her legs and thought about how they would never walk again. And then I thought about all the words that we would never say to each other because as much as you didn’t want to admit it, Molly wasn’t waking up. She wasn’t.
When my time was up in the room, you sent me outside to sit by myself. I sat leaning against the cold hospital wall, and all I could see in my head were Molly’s little legs. And all I could think about was how much it hurt to know she’d never walk again. It hurt so badly, I wanted to rip my own legs off and give them to her.
Instead, I balled myself up. I pulled my legs into my chest and squeezed my arms around my knees and ground my teeth together. I closed my eyes so tightly I thought my eyelids might break. And I promised myself I would never feel this bad again. I would never feel this bad again. I would never feel this bad again.
Love,
Z
I dive into the water and swim as fast as I’ve ever swum. Faster than any meet. I flip Cassie’s body over in the water. Her face is dark in the blackness around us and her eyes are closed. All that is illuminated in the night is her hot-pink bathing suit as I pull her back to shore.
I drag her up on the beach and start screaming for Grover. I scream over and over and over again. Then I start mouth to mouth. I don’t know what I’m doing. I push air into Cassie and pump on her chest and nothing happens.
I scream for Grover again.
Someone grabs my arm. I flip my wet hair out of my face and find Madison. She pulls me off of Cassie, even though I fight against her. I scream mean words that I never thought I could scream, but Madison pushes me back on the sand.
“You don’t give a shit about her! You want her dead! You want her dead!”
Madison ignores me and pushes Cassie’s hair back on her face to start CPR. Real CPR.
I cry, sitting on the ground, my tears and the water on my clothes collecting sand. I yell for Grover again.
And then he’s here. He’s grabbing me and asking me what happened.
“You were supposed to watch her,” I say to him. “You said you were going to watch her.”
“I know, Zander. I’m so sorry.” Grover grabs my face, but I need to see Cassie. I need to see her.
I push him back and try to get around Madison, but Kerry is here now, blocking my way. And Hayes. And everyone from my cabin.
Lights flash up the hill by the mess hall—red and white in the darkness. Men in uniforms run down to the beach, but they’re all just blocking my view. I need to see her.
Grover tries to hold me back as I push at people and scream. This is what everyone wanted. They wanted me to feel and scream and cry, and now that I’m doing it, no one is listening to me.
“I need to see her,” I say through ragged breaths to Grover. I grab on to his shirt and twist it between my fists. “I need to see her.”
“I know, Zander.” He takes me in his long arms and I melt into my tears, collapsing onto the sand in my sobs.
Cassie gets put on a long board, and the EMTs carry her quickly up the stairs. I scramble across the sand and get the sweatshirt.
“She needs her sweatshirt!” I yell after them. “She’ll be cold when she wakes up.”
Kerry steps in front of me as I’m about to race up the stairs and stops me. “Just let them do their job, Zander.”
“But she needs this.” I hold up her shirt. He doesn’t understand that it’s hers. He stands still, not budging from his place. I take a breath, trying to calm myself. “Please, let me go with her.”
“I’m sorry but my answer is no.”
“Please, Kerry.” I grab on to him like a life jacket, like he’s the only thing that has the power to keep me floating.
“I’ll take her with me.” Madison comes up next to us. “It’s the right thing to do, Kerry.”
He shakes his head and exhales, and at that moment I think it’s over. I might never see Cassie again. Then Kerry nods. “Fine, but you’re in charge of her. I’ll meet you at the hospital.”
I run up the stairs behind Madison, only stopping once to glance back at Grover, who sits on the beach with his head in his hands. When he smacks the ground, I feel a piece of my heart break into a million shards of glass.
Madison and I pass through the gates that divide Camp Padua from the rest of the world as the sun begins to rise.