I step through my front door, alone for the first time in almost four days.

Brandon tumbled through the front door as Ian and I were finishing breakfast this morning. The rumpled state of his hair and the fact that he was still wearing the same clothes he’d left in last night—with Liv, I might add—told both Ian and me that, whatever he’d gotten up to, he certainly hadn’t gotten much sleep.

I took the chance to excuse myself, telling them I’d leave them to catch up for a bit and go home and clean up. Ian tried to argue against me leaving, but I insisted, telling him some guy time was needed between the two of them.

Besides, I need to call Liv. And find out what in the hell happened last night.

When she’d shown up late for dinner, I’d expected Brandon to flirt with her and try to pick her up. What I hadn’t expected was Liv reciprocating. Instead of telling him off and calling him on his bullshit lines, she’d laughed and flirted back. I’d barely caught sight of the two of them as they rushed out the door, giggling like two kids who had almost gotten caught doing something they shouldn’t have been doing.

I rush upstairs and turn on the shower, pulling my cell out of my pocket while I wait for the water to heat. No calls or texts from Liv. She’s probably still sleeping it off.

Fuck it, I think, pulling up her number and pressing Send.

It rings once and then goes to voice mail. The bitch must’ve turned her phone off. She knew I’d want details.

Well, she’s not getting off that easy. I’ll have to stop by the bookstore after I get ready for the day. I’m not scheduled until this evening, but I can’t wait that long. And it’ll give Ian and Brandon a little more time to talk.

I’m not sure what went down between the two of them in the kitchen last night, but Ian was different the rest of the night after they reappeared. He held me a little tighter, his hands in almost constant contact with some part of my body. Every time his gaze caught mine, he would smile, the gesture reaching all the way to his eyes. And, after everyone left, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom where he made love to me over and over, his whispered words and soft caresses carrying me even further than the frantic and frenzied ones from before.

I never really understood the term making love before last night. I’d used it plenty of times in the past because it seemed a little more intimate than saying I fucked someone. But, until last night…until Ian, I never quite grasped the concept.

There is a vast difference between fucking and making love. They might look the same to an outsider. And, Lord knows, the end goal is basically the same. But, when you’re with someone you truly care for, someone who understands you on a deeper level, who might even understand you better than you understand yourself…

It’s downright magical.

I can now say I truly understand the meaning of becoming one. We weren’t Ian and Lexi last night. We were…us. And I like us a hell of a lot.

And that is a problem.

I jump in the shower, rushing through the motions so that I can get out and clear my head. And there’s only one way I know how to do that.

I need to call my sister.

I don’t even dry off, wrapping my puffy robe around my wet body and walking out to my bedroom. I collapse on the bed, both dreading and looking forward to this conversation.

“Hello?” Ella’s voice comes over the line after a few rings. When I don’t respond, her natural instinct kicks in—or, as I like to call it, mom mode engages—and the words tumble out. “Lexi? Are you okay? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

I let out a soft laugh. “Hi, Ells. I’m fine. I’m at home.”

She blows out a loud breath. “Don’t scare me like that. You know I worry about you living all on your own. Even with the buff guy living next door.”

The sound that escapes my lips at the mention of Ian must carry through the phone because Ella stops short.

“What is it, Lexi? Did something happen with him?”

I bury my face in the pillow, reminded of the times we were kids and she’d come home and throw herself on her twin bed next to mine, sighing into her pillow over her latest crush.

“You could say that,” I mumble into the pillow, knowing full well Ella can’t understand me.

But, to my surprise, she gasps. “Alexis Marie Barnes, you tell me what happened right now. Don’t make me come over there.”

I laugh at her usual threat. “He’s…Ella, he’s so amazing. Like the stuff-of-fairy-tales amazing. I’m half-expecting him to bust out his shining armor and his horse to ride us off into the sunset. He can’t be real.”

Ella laughs at my dreamy tone. “I was wondering why you hadn’t called lately. I figured you were busy with all this damn snow. Drew and I were actually going to drive out there this afternoon and see if you needed help digging out. He just finished our house. Poor guy has been out there for hours.”

I shake my head and then realize she can’t see me. “No, I’m okay. You guys stay home and stay warm. We’ll take care of things over here.”

“We, huh? You’re already a we?” she asks, amusement evident in her tone.

“Well, considering I’ve spent every waking moment—and sleeping moments, too, I guess—with him for the past four days, I think it’s safe to say we’re a we.”

“Lexi!” she shrieks into the phone. “Four. Days? Can you even walk?”

I groan. “Dude, I love you, Ells. But can we not go there?”

“Sorry, sorry. But, damn…four days. I can’t even fathom…”

“Ella Garner! Enough!” I giggle. “Let’s just say, it’s true what they say about athletes. They have great…stamina.”

“Oh, he’s an athlete?” she asks, her interest piqued and finally off my sex life. “That’s not surprising. He’s got one hell of a physique.”

“Hey.” I hear Drew bark in the background.

“Don’t worry, sweetie. I still like yours better!” she shouts to him before turning her attention back to me. “So, what does he do?”

“Well, erm…he’s a baseball player.”

“Oh, baseball. I’ve always liked baseball. Does he play for a rec team?”

I laugh. “Not exactly. He’s from Seattle, remember? Where he plays for the, um…Rampage.”

Ella is silent for so long, I pull the phone back and check the connection to make sure the call didn’t drop. When I see she’s still on the other end of the line, I prod, “Ells? You still there?”

“Did you just say the Rampage? As in the Washington Rampage? Like the professional baseball team?”

My tongue swells, and I worry that Ella might disapprove of me dating a professional sports star. Especially when she realizes who he is.

“Yes,” is all I get out before the phone clatters to the floor, and I hear her footsteps bounding across the room.

“Drew! Lexi is dating a professional baseball player! You know that guy at the house the other day? He plays for the Washington. Fucking. Rampage!”

“I knew I’d heard that name! I can’t believe I didn’t recognize him. Tag fucking Taggart. I was standing in front of Tag Taggart and didn’t even get his autograph. He’s the greatest shortstop the league’s ever seen.”

I listen to them freak out for a few minutes before Ella returns and picks up the phone.

“Lexi? Are you still there?”

I cough. “Thanks for dropping me to go fangirl with your husband.”

“Dude, it’s not every day your little sister calls with news that she’s banging a sports star. It had to be celebrated.”

We laugh for a few more minutes, joking about the long ball and tight baseball pants, Drew throwing out an occasional smart-ass remark before the mood shifts.

“Wait a minute.” I hear the trepidation in Ella’s voice as soon as the words are out. “Lex, I’m looking at my laptop. Tag Taggart…he’s the player who was—”

“Yes,” I interrupt, not wanting to hear the words come out of her mouth. “But he didn’t do it. Come on, Ella. You met him. Did he seem like that type of guy?”

“Well, no,” she says tenuously. “But then again, everybody said Ted Bundy was charming as hell. And look how he turned out.”

I roll my eyes. “Ian is not Ted Bundy. He told me all about it. How he went home with the girl. They fooled around. And, the next thing he knew, he was being hit with a rape charge and slandered all over the news.”

“But, Lexi—”

“No, Ella. I know he didn’t do it. I know he didn’t. It’s not even up for discussion. The dumb bitch was after money and thought destroying a good man’s career was the best way to go about it. From what Ian’s told me, he’s not the first one she’s gone after. Apparently, she’s made a living out of extorting money from wealthy men.”

That’s all it takes to get Ella on my side. “That bitch. I hate women like her. They make all women seem like gold-digging whores, and when something bad really does happen to a woman, it takes a freaking act of Congress to get anyone to believe them.”

“Oh, I get it. And so does Ian. He told me all about how much it pisses him off that women like Angela get away with shit like this when other women have legitimate cases and can’t do anything about them. He’s quite the little feminist.”

“I like him already,” Ella says, the jovial tone returning to her voice.

She asks a few more questions about Ian’s story, and I readily answer them to the best of my ability. I’m glad to hear her mind is at ease. But talking to her has only further deepened the realization that, while I know his deep, dark secret, he still has no clue about mine.

“When are you going to bring him over? Officially introduce him to the family?” she asks during a lull in the conversation.

“Actually, Ells…that’s sort of the reason I’m calling. I need my big sister.”

I picture her sitting up straighter, her ears perked at the sudden change in my voice.

“Hold on, let me go into the bedroom. Drew, can you keep an eye on the girls? I need to talk to Lexi in private for a minute.”

I hear Drew grunt in response and then the sound of Ella moving down the hall.

As soon as the door latches behind her, she starts, “Okay, tell me what’s wrong.”

I can’t help the tears that instantly spring to my eyes. After our parents died in that car crash, Ella had been the only source of comfort I’d had. She held me while I cried, laughed with me as I smiled, cheered when I accomplished something I’d set my mind to. We might have lived with our aunt and uncle, but really, Ella has been the only family I’ve had in a long, long time.

“He doesn’t know,” I say through my tears, my voice wavering slightly as I choke back a sob.

Ella doesn’t have to ask what I mean. She knows. “You haven’t told him?”

I sniffle. “I’m too scared. Too frightened of bringing up the past and letting that darkness back inside.”

Ella exhales slowly. “I can understand that. Let me ask you this. Do you think it would change things between you two?”

I let out a shaky breath. “Well, of course it would. How could it not? I almost killed someone, Ella. Two someones. All because I was a stupid, careless asshole. What would happen if word of that got out? He’s finally rebuilding his life after the charges were dropped. How could I let myself ruin his career if reporters got hold of this?”

Ella’s silent for a moment, and I can practically hear the words turning in her head. “Don’t you think you might be making a bigger deal out of this than it is? I mean, yes, the mistake you made was awful. Nobody is downplaying that. But do you honestly think reporters are going to dig so far as to find that out and then spread it all over the tabloids?”

When she says it like that, I realize it does sound a bit outlandish. I mean, there are plenty of people actively committing crimes every day. Who’s going to care about a DUI from almost two years ago? But then again, am I willing to take that chance? I’ve seen drug charges from decades before come back to haunt celebrities and athletes. Who’s to say this will be swept under the rug?

I voice these concerns to Ella, and she clicks her tongue.

“I don’t know, Lexi. I still think you’re making this into something it’s not. I think you need to sit him down, tell him what happened, and let him make his own decision. If he decides it’s something he can’t deal with, well, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway.”

I laugh at her protective tone. Ella Garner, big-sister extraordinaire.

“Thanks, Ells. Thanks for talking me through it. I feel a lot better now.”

“Good,” she says, her smile evident from her tone. “I’m glad you feel better. But, Lexi, I meant what I said. You can’t start a relationship with someone when you’re hiding so much of yourself. It might be in the past, but it still actively affects who you are. He deserves to know.”

“I know,” I say, giving myself a stern nod. “I’m going to tell him. Tonight.”

* * *

Ian’s alone by the time I make my way back over to his house.

“Where’s Brandon?” I ask as Ian leans in to kiss me on the cheek.

“Out with Liv. And then he’s got a late flight back to Seattle. He asked me to tell you good-bye for him. And make you promise you’ll visit him when you fly out to see me,” he says matter-of-factly, like there’s not even the slightest possibility that I might not visit him once he returns to Seattle.

It only enhances the importance of the topic I need to broach, and I wring my hands, moving around him as I head straight to the couch.

He joins me, perching himself next to me and nervously running his hands up and down my arms. “Lexi? What is it? What’s wrong?”

I bite back the tears, determined to get through this conversation without crying. “We need to talk.”

Ian lets out a loud sigh. “We do. I was hoping we could put it off a little longer, but I guess sooner is better than later.”

I’m a little shocked that he has something he needs to say to me, too. And I grasp at it, desperate to put off the conversation I’ve been stewing over all day. “You go first.”

Ian rubs his hands over his face. “Okay, here goes nothing.” He takes a deep breath, and then the words pour out of him. “I realized something last night. While I was in the kitchen with Brandon. And then again while we were in bed. And I know you’re going to think I’m crazy. You’re going to tell me it’s too soon. And you might even run from me. But I’m done lying to myself. I’m done trying to pretend like I don’t feel the things I feel for you simply because I’ve been hurt before.”

I gulp, my thoughts spinning over where this might be heading, when he takes my hands in his, turning so that he’s looking me straight in the eye.

“So, here it is, Lexi Barnes. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with your smart mouth and your shrewd comments. I’m in love with your kind eyes and your beautiful smile. I’m in love with your gorgeous body and your insanely perfect mouth. But, most of all, I’m in love with you. The you I get to see when nobody else is around. The you I see when you drop your guard, letting the world—letting me—inside those barricades you’ve so carefully constructed. I’m in love with every single part of you, Lexi. Even the less than perfect ones.”

I choke out a sob, the plan to make it through the evening without tears dissolving before it ever really began. Because, despite the facts that it is too soon and he is probably crazy, everything he just put into words…I feel for him, too. Every single thing.

But it isn’t fair of me to tell him that yet. It isn’t fair of me to accept his words and his love when there is still so much hanging between us.

I pull my hands from his, dropping my eyes to the floor at my feet. “Ian, I need to tell you something.”

He lets out a broken laugh. “Well, that’s not what I was hoping to hear after I said all that. But, okay, tell me.”

I bite my lip, trying to decide on how to start. Should I come right out and say it? Or ease him into it? Maybe tell him how sorry I am and how I wish every day that I could do it over again?

But he already knows that. That night in front of the fireplace, I told him how familiar I was with what he was feeling. And, surely, if he loves me like he says he does, then he already knows how sorry I am for what I did. He might not know the details, but I know that my sorrow and remorse permeate my every movement and decision. If he thinks he knows me well enough to love me, then he must see that, too.

Fuck it, I think.

And I spill all my deepest, darkest secrets.

“A year and a half ago, I almost killed a mother and her daughter. They were on their way home from her dance recital. I crossed the centerline and hit them head-on. I was speeding—more than twenty miles per hour over the limit. And my blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit.”

Ian’s mouth falls open, his eyes instantly saddening as he looks at me. His gaze travels over my face before settling on a spot over my shoulder. I shrink back.

He can’t even look at me.

Without returning his eyes to my face, he tells me to go on.

“I had known my drinking was getting a little out of control. My friends had been giving me subtle hints for months that maybe I was taking things a bit too far. But I didn’t care. I knew I was fine. I could stop whenever I wanted. I just didn’t want to.

“That night at the bar, I cut myself off after a few drinks. I knew I had to drive home, and I wanted to be responsible. I thought I was fine. I didn’t even feel buzzed. I slid behind the wheel of that car, turned the ignition, and told myself, if I drove slow enough, I’d be fine.”

Ian’s throat bobs, his expression blank as he listens to me recount the worst night of my life. It hurts, seeing him so completely…vacant.

I expected him to get angry. Or tell me how disappointed he was in me. Ask me how I could possibly keep something like this from him. Something. But, instead, all I’m met with is stony silence.

“The next thing I knew, I was coming to in a hospital bed. I was all alone with no recollection of how I’d ended up there. Until I sat up and felt the blinding pain stabbing through my head. Then, I remembered. I remembered getting in the car. And I remembered the lights—the bright shock of white as my attention turned from my phone to the car careening toward me.”

“They’re okay?” His voice is gravelly.

I nod. “They’re okay. But okay is a far cry from good. The little girl’s femoral artery in her left leg was damaged on impact. It was either amputate or risk death while they tried to repair it. So, of course, her parents chose the former option.”

Ian’s an athlete, and I can see the pain at the thought of losing a limb roll through him. I can’t imagine losing a part of my body. But losing one when it has such a large bearing on who you are…

“The little girl still has big dreams of becoming a professional dancer though. She’s only seven, but she’s already been fit with a prosthetic. And she practices nearly every day. Despite the fact that I nearly took her life, she hasn’t let me take her dream.”

“You talk to them?” he asks, his tone laced with shock.

I shake my head. “No. I haven’t been able to face them in person. I follow her Facebook page. After the accident, they set up an account, so people could get updates on her progress. They post pictures of her in her little dance costumes. She’s adorable.”

Ian nods. “And the mother?”

“She was pretty banged up but nothing serious. Broken collarbone and a bunch of stitches. I think her damage is more of the emotional variety.”

He’s quiet for a little longer, mulling over the story I told him. I sit next to him, watching as he debates his next move, waiting for him to kick me out.

So, I’m surprised when he finally lifts his eyes to mine. There’s a hint of something in them that I can’t quite read. Betrayal maybe? Anger? Whatever it is, I’m not sure. But, beyond that, there’s a hell of a lot of questioning. And, dare I say, concern.

“Why did you get in the car, Lexi? What led up to that night?”

I cringe. Thinking back on what drove me to such a dark place seems so ridiculous in the grand scheme of things. Businesses fail every day…yet when mine did, I couldn’t take it.

“Right after I graduated from college, I used the little bit of money I had left from my parents’ inheritance to open a small store. A craft store of sorts. We specialized in wood crafts, but we also refinished furniture, sold antiques…I loved bringing new life to old items. For as long as I could remember, I’d always been creating. So, as soon as I had my business degree, I took every penny I had and invested it in my business.

“And it was good for a while. Business wasn’t exactly booming, but it was steady. I was able to pay my two employees a decent wage and still had enough to pay my bills and the needs of the shop every month. But, unfortunately, the novelty began to wear off, and people stopped coming. I set up craft nights, put on boutiques, did everything I could to get people in the door. But none of it worked. Just before the second anniversary of our grand opening, I filed for bankruptcy. We were finished. I was finished. And it broke my heart.”

Ian’s eyes soften, and the heat from his hand as it rests over the top of mine on the couch sends shivers up my spine. I didn’t realize how worried I had been that I would never know his touch again until that moment.

“Needless to say, I didn’t handle it very well,” I continue. “I started drinking to numb myself from the sting of my failure. A drink or two a night turned into three or four. One night at the bar turned into every night. And, before I knew it, I was sliding down the slippery slope of addiction. Only I was too blind to see it.”

Ian rubs his thumb against the back of my hand, the gesture almost as comforting as an actual embrace, considering, two minutes ago, I was certain he’d want me out of his life for good.

“Instead of getting the help I needed, I denied that anything was wrong. Ella was here, more than a thousand miles away, and even she could tell something was seriously off with me. My friends tried to warn me. At first, they indulged with me. They would take me out, buying me drink after drink, telling me I deserved it after all I had done for my failing business. But the pity party only lasted so long. After a few weeks, it wasn’t fun anymore. Not for them. But it was the only way I could get through the day without feeling like absolute scum.”

I think back on those days, about how depressed I was. How I’d go days without leaving my apartment. And, when I did, it was only to go out drinking. There were times when I couldn’t even drag myself out of bed. But I’d never been the type to succumb to addiction or temptation before. I’d always been so strong. So hardworking. I told myself it was a rough patch. Just a phase I was going through. I would come out of it soon enough. What was the harm in having a little fun? Lord knows, I hadn’t had enough of it in college. I’d worked my ass off to keep my scholarship and graduate early. I was simply making up for lost time.

It all sounds so stupid now. How could I not see how far off the deep end I’d gone? Those first few weeks in rehab were, without a doubt, the worst of my life. I was so young when my parents had died, I didn’t really remember the pain of their death. But coming off a yearlong bender?

There were days when I was certain death would be preferable.

I look back at Ian, ashamed of myself. “I know you’re probably thinking how ridiculous that sounds. I lost a business. And, as a result of my poor decisions, a little girl lost her leg. Her mother lost her easygoing, carefree attitude. Everything in their lives is so much harder than it was before they turned down that road. Lily should be dancing like a normal little girl, having fun and forming lifelong friendships. Not having to learn how to move again.”

“Lily? That’s her name.”

I nod. “Lily James.”

He pulls out his phone, his fingers moving around the screen for a few moments until a smile spreads across his face. He holds the phone out to me, showing me what’s on the screen.

It’s a picture of Lily, her hair pulled back into a tight bun, her lips painted bright red, and the apples of her cheeks a rosy pink. She’s in a purple dance costume, the sun glinting off the sequins in the photo. Her prosthetic leg is on full display as she cocks her hip out to the side, hands on her hips, mouth pursed into a sassy smirk.

She looks…happy.

The sight of the little girl in the photo causes my breath to catch. I reach out, taking the phone in my hand and bring it closer. I study every detail of her face, trying to determine if the happiness shining in her eyes is real or forced.

But, no matter how hard I scrutinize the picture, I can’t find a hint of deception. The light in her eyes is too bright to be faked for the sake of a photo.

Ian gives me a moment, but his eyes bore into me as I study the picture. When I finally look up and hand his phone back, he gives me a timid smile, the corners pulling up ever so slightly.

“She looks like a pretty happy little girl,” he observes.

I nod. “She’s adorable.”

“Do you think she’s sitting at home right now, cursing the very ground you walk on?”

I sputter out a laugh. “Lily? You think that sweet little girl has a malicious bone in her body?”

He looks back down at the photo. “No, you’re probably right. She’s way too damn cute to be a bitch.”

I laugh again. He did not just insinuate a seven-year-old could be a bitch, did he?

“But, Lexi, she’s moving on with her life. She’s putting the past behind her, not letting what happened stand in the way of what she wants most in the world. So, why can’t you?”

His words cause me to come up short, my response jamming in my throat.

“Be-because I…she didn’t…it was me…”

His hand rests on mine, and while I’m stumbling over my words, he takes the opportunity to turn his palm over and take my hand in his. “You made a mistake. A horrible mistake. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live your life. You’ve paid the price…” He trails off, quirking an eyebrow up at me in question.

I nod. “Since there were no fatalities and it was my first offense, I got off easy. Too easy if you ask me. Six months probation—following rehab, of course. I was ordered into a program, though after the accident, I would’ve gone voluntarily.”

Ian smiles. “See? You’ve done your time. You might think you got off easy, but I can assure you, Lexi, you didn’t. I’m pretty sure you’ve punished yourself far more than the court ever could have.”

“You don’t get it though. Because of me, that poor girl will never walk normally again.”

Ian scrolls through his phone another second before turning and showing me a video of Lily doing a pirouette. Her left leg—the prosthetic—gracefully cuts through the air as she spins on her right.

I’ve seen the video dozens of times, but it still brings a tear to my eye.

“You see this? She might never be normal again. But, like I said before, who wants to be normal when you can be extraordinary? She won’t ‘walk normally’ again,” he says, putting air quotes around the words, “but you can be damn sure she’s going to dance phenomenally for the rest of her life.”

“But—”

He presses his finger against my lips, cutting off my words. “No. It’s time for you to move on, Lexi. I’m not saying you should pretend it never happened. You’ll never forget the way that night changed you. It’s ingrained in you. So, don’t forget. But you need to forgive. You need to forgive yourself.”

I have to smile at his words. “Ella has been telling me that for months. Long before I moved out here.”

Ian reaches out and brushes a single tear from my cheek. “I knew she was a smart girl.”

“You’re not mad?” I ask when my eyes meet his again.

“Mad? No. Upset you didn’t think you could tell me before now? A little. But, Lexi, none of what you told me changes a single thing about what I said to you earlier. I loved you then. And I love you even more now, knowing what you went through and coming out stronger for it.”

I shoot him a puzzled look. “Stronger? Are you crazy? I’m a mess.”

He chuckles. “Okay, you are sort of a mess sometimes. But you’ve been through hell. Despite your flippancy now at losing your business, I know how much that must’ve hurt. It’s not stupid. It’s not silly to mourn the loss of something so near and dear to your heart. You could have chosen a better way, yes. But you’ve learned from your mistakes. You’re here, building a new life for yourself. Do you know how many people would’ve shut down after going through what you did?”

“Well, I sort of did. And I was a total bitch to you for weeks, trying to keep you at arm’s length.”

He smiles again. “Don’t I know it? But that wasn’t you shutting down. That was you trying to protect yourself. You’ve been hurt. Maybe not by love. Maybe not even by another person. Life hurt you big time. She knocked you down and kicked you while you were in the dirt. It takes time to come back from something like that. But you’re getting there,” he adds with a wink.

“But what if people find out? What would they say if they found out you were with a drunk who almost killed two people?”

He shrugs. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But know this, Lexi. Nothing is more important to me than you. Nothing. Not baseball, not money, not fame. The moment you walked into my life, I was a goner. You’re it for me.”

A flutter moves through my entire body, stopping when it reaches my chest and staying there.

I lean forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “You must be crazy. But I’m glad you are. Because I love you, too.”