I read the letter three times, beginning to end, when it first arrived. And, in the four days since, I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve studied Ian’s words, examining each and every curved letter, every scribble, every imperfection. I have every single word memorized, down to the stroke of his pen.

Each time, different things stick out to me. The first time, it was his sadness. The fact that I’d hurt him so deeply. The second time, it was his accusations and how willing he was to accept what I’d said as truth. And the third…the third was the hardest time of all. When I realized he’d meant it when he said he was writing to let me go.

Ian is moving on with his life.

Without me.

I’ve kept all the curtains closed since I returned home from Ella’s, not able to even look at his house sitting there, empty. I’ve locked myself in my house, not answering the door when Margie comes knocking or when Charlie and Liv show up with dinner. I’ve completely closed myself off to the outside world.

And, in the days since receiving that letter, I’ve fallen off the deep end.

I know it. Ella knows it. Hell, I’m sure everyone in town knows it by now.

And, even though I hate knowing that I’m right back where I started after I woke in that hospital bed, I can’t do anything to stop it.

I’m spiraling down that bottomless, dark hole—the one I clawed my way out of only weeks before. Only this time, I’m not sure I’ll ever resurface.

I flip through the channels on the TV Ian helped me set up a few days before the end, not really paying attention to what I’m seeing. I don’t even know why it’s on, the sound muted because even that is too much for my pounding headache.

Speaking of which…

A literal pounding rings through my head, causing me to cringe. I press my fingertips to my temples, rubbing in small circles to try to ease some of the pain when it comes again.

Realizing the sound isn’t in my head but at my door, I groan and roll over on the couch, pulling my blanket up higher on my shoulders and smashing a throw pillow onto my head to muffle the noise.

When will these people realize I don’t want to talk?

Before I can begin to curse my neighbors’ existence, my sister’s voice comes through the door. “Open the damn door, Lexi. I know you’re in there. Don’t make me trudge through the snow to that damn garage and get a chain saw. You know I will.”

And she’s right. I know, if I don’t get my ass off the couch and let her in, she will get in through other means. Even if it means hacking away my door.

I grab my cell phone, seeing that I have six missed calls from Ella and five voice mails. I switched it to silent and turned the vibrate off as well when I woke with this raging headache. I can only imagine what those voice mails say.

I moan as I climb from the couch and shuffle across the room. Ella’s fist is raised, getting ready to pound on my door again, when it swings open.

She drops her hand, her mouth following suit, and stares at me. “You look like hell.”

I give her a halfhearted laugh. I can only imagine what she sees. I haven’t showered in…fuck, I can’t even remember. Let’s just say, it’s been a while. And I’m certain my hair is a disaster. If the look in her eyes is any indication as she sneers at my head, I’d say it looks like a family of squirrels has taken up residence in my tresses.

“Thanks, sis. You sure know how to make a girl feel better,” I say, dropping my hand from the door and turning to return to my post on the couch.

She steps in behind me, closing the door I left open, and takes in the catastrophe that is my living room. “My God, Lexi. What happened?”

I look at the smashed lamp, the empty paint cans I kicked across the room, and the rest of the debris I threw around the other night. The night I got Ian’s letter.

“Um, I was robbed?” I try, knowing full well she won’t believe me.

“What did you do, Lexi? All your hard work.” She trails her hand down a hole in the wall.

It got in the way of the wrench I threw. The wrench won.

“Are you drinking again?” Ella asks, her eyes shooting up to mine as panic fills them.

I shake my head. “No, Ella. I promise you, I haven’t started drinking again. It’s been hard as hell, but I’ve managed to stay on the wagon.”

And it’s the truth. Despite how much I’ve wanted a drink, I haven’t touched a single drop of alcohol. Whether it’s sheer willpower or only because I don’t have any in the house and can’t bring myself to leave, I’m not sure. I’d like to think the former, but it’s most likely the latter. Still, I’m grateful. This sucks enough without having to deal with the disappointment of my sister.

She shoves my legs off the couch and sits down next to me. I sit up, propping my feet up on the coffee table and dropping my head back against the sofa.

“So, what’s the plan, Lex? You gonna waste away in here? Hole up like Miss Havisham and pine away your days?”

“No,” I say, not lifting my head to look at her. “Miss Havisham was the jiltee. I’m the jilter. There’s a difference.”

Ella sighs. “Must you always be so damn stubborn?”

“Must you always be so damn nosy? Nobody asked you to come over here and lecture me.”

“No, but somebody has to. Because you’re too damn hardheaded to figure it out on your own. And, because I love you and you’re my sister, the duty falls on me.”

“Figure what out? I’m fine, Ella. I just have a headache.”

“You’re not fine. You haven’t left this house in weeks. And let’s not even talk about the last time you showered. You smell, Lexi. Like, really smell.”

I point toward the front door. “There’s the exit. Feel free to use it.”

She grabs my cheeks, surprising me and causing my eyes to pop open. She swings my face toward hers, her eyes hard as she glares at me.

“Stop being a bitch, Lexi. This isn’t a game. It’s not a joke. It’s your fucking life.”

I shove her hand away, rubbing my fingers along my aching chin where she gripped me. “I know that, Ella. You think I don’t understand that? I’m the one living it. Does it look like I’m having fun?”

I gesture to the disaster around me. Ella doesn’t soften though.

“So, do something about it. Stop lying around and feeling sorry for yourself. Get your ass to Seattle, and fix this mess you’ve made.”

I slump back against the couch. “It’s not that easy, Ella…”

“No,” she cuts me off. “It is that easy. I know you’ve got this twisted delusion in your head where you think this is what’s best for him, but believe me when I tell you, it isn’t. I can absolutely guaran-damn-tee you that Ian is just as miserable as you are right now. You guys being apart doesn’t make sense. So, get your ass up, and fix it.”

“Even if I wanted to, you’re wrong. He isn’t sitting around, wishing we could be together. He wrote me a letter. He’s moving on.”

I get up from the couch, moving to the small side table in the hallway where I stored Ian’s letter.

I pull it out and hand it to Ella.

She slowly unfolds it, giving me a worried look. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d heard from him?”

I shrug. I don’t tell her it was because it hurt too much to say it out loud.

Her eyes scan the page, and she’s silent as she reads. Her hand comes up to cover her mouth the closer she gets to the end. And, when she finishes, she lifts her eyes to mine. They’re wet with tears and a sadness I don’t want to see. Because, now, she knows it’s truly over, too.

“I love you, Lexi,” she starts, her voice cracking on my name. “But, sometimes, you sure are stupid.”

My mouth falls open, shock flooding through me at her words. “What the hell, Ella?”

First, she reads what is quite possibly the end of my life, and then she calls me stupid?

She lifts the letter. “This? This isn’t him telling you he’s moving on.”

“Um, how do you explain the part where he says exactly that then?”

She shakes her head. “He said he’s going to try to let you go. But, Lexi, did you read the rest of it at all?”

“Yeah, I’ve read it a few times.” Understatement of the century.

“I know you’ve read it. But did you read it?”

I shoot her a scathing look. “Can you stop talking in riddles and get to the damn point already? I told you, I have a headache.”

“He loves you, Lexi. And he’s practically begging you to come to him. He doesn’t give a shit about your past. And I believe him when he says he’d give it all up for you. That you’re the most important thing in his life.”

“He shouldn’t have to give it up for me though.”

“So, don’t ask him to. He says you’re worth it. You’re worth giving up his dreams, his career, his life, so he can be with you. But you’re telling me he’s not worth the same? You wouldn’t even have to give anything up. You only have to deal with being in the public eye a little more than you’d like. He’s willing to drop everything for you. But you can’t even handle a little public scrutiny?”

I shrink into myself, my eyes falling to the floor. When she says it like that, it makes it sound so awful. Like I gave up at the first sign of trouble.

I guess that is exactly what I did.

“It’s too late, Ells. I’ve hurt him too much.”

She reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder, holding up the letter again with her other. “This tells me it isn’t. He still wants you, Lexi. He said it himself. You’re his person. The one he wants to spend his life with. That doesn’t change in a few weeks. He put the ball back in your court. Now, it’s up to you to decide whether it’s time to take the shot.”

I quirk an eyebrow at her. “Was that a basketball reference? You realize he plays baseball, right?”

She waves a hand. “Tomato, tomahto. The point still remains. Are you going to swing for the fences? Or sit safely in the dugout, watching the game play out in front of you?”

I smile at her new attempt. “Much better.”

And I know she’s right. Ian poured his heart out to me. Now, it’s up to me to do the same. I made the mistake of letting him go once. I won’t do it again. If he’s willing to fight for me, then I have to be willing to do the same. Like he said, love can’t be one-sided. I’ve been holding back for far too long. It’s time for me to get up to bat.

“So, what are you going to do, Lexi?” Ella asks.

A smile spreads across my face. “Hand me my laptop. I’ve got an idea.”