The Step Sister
“SHE DIDN’T SHOW UP.”
“I’m sure she’ll be there soon. You know your mother…” Tracy’s voice trailed off.
“No, Mom, I don’t! I don’t know ‘my mother’ nor do I get her all! That’s why I’m calling you,” Julia Lindstrom said, resting her head on the post she leaned against. It supported the awning in front of her doctor’s office. Correction, psychiatrist’s office. Rain splatted down, making the puddles ripple with sparkles before her.
Tracy Lindstrom sighed on the other end of the line. “I’ll be right there.”
“Aren’t you always?” Julia’s snide tone made Tracy wince. Tracy didn’t deserve that because it was really about Vickie Stratton, her natural mother. But Tracy was her aunt-turned-stepmother and the only woman Julia considered her real mother, even if biology argued differently. Tracy raised her, sparing her the erratic, precipitous life that Vickie subjected her to. Julia couldn’t remember when her mother wasn’t Tracy. Her father married two sisters; the first was Vickie, with whom he had Julia and after they divorced, he married Tracy.
Naturally, Julia couldn’t remember all the drama and shock surrounding it because she was a baby. She only considered Tracy as her mother. Not her aunt or her stepmother. Not her goddamned second mother as some people tried to play it off. No. Tracy was her mother. Mom. Mommy. Mama. Whatever you called that role, Tracy filled it one hundred percent as far as Julia was concerned and despite all the efforts of the people who pretended to practice misled diplomacy toward it all. They called Vickie flighty, shallow, erratic, and crazy but still considered her Julia’s “real” mom. Even as a child, Julia ignored them and called Tracy Mom from the time she could speak. She wasn’t so concerned as everyone else seemed to be about hurting poor Vickie’s feelings. As far as Julia was concerned, Vickie deserved it.
Julia sat down on the curb and waited for Tracy. Glancing behind her, the idea that she could be waiting inside her aunt Gretchen’s office crossed her mind. Gretchen had a psychology practice there. Julia was currently seeing one of her colleagues. But Julia decided she didn’t want to talk right then, and set her ear bud in her ear before starting her music. Plucking at the frayed threads of her jeans, she frowned as she stared down.
Why the hell couldn’t Vickie remember anything? She always seemed to forget Julia. Vickie was notorious for failing to pick her up or to do routine errands she volunteered to do for Julia. Things as simple as running Julia to the dentist’s office or as mundane as grabbing her favorite makeup at the grocery store. Hardly anything Julia or Tracy asked Vickie to do for Julia ever got done.
If Vickie were with her husband, Dane, however, she always managed to show up. Vickie only remembered her obligations because Dane or another adult, such as Julia’s dad or Tracy, reminded her. If left strictly to her own devices, Vickie always screwed up. Julia wasn’t wrong about that. She spent most of her eighteen years memorizing Vickie’s destructive dance. She almost missed her high school graduation because Vickie got the location wrong. Sure, everyone makes mistakes from time to time, even when it involves big, important stuff. But with Vickie, that was usually the rule, and not the exception.
Julia’s phone rang. Glancing down, she groaned. Vickie.
“What?” she answered without preamble.
“I’m sorry! I know I’m late. I’m leaving right now. I just—”
“Forget it, Vickie. I already called Mom.”
Vickie sighed. “Must you insist on calling me Vickie and Tracy Mom? Right to my face?”
“Yes. I have to. Because it’s true,” Julia answered in a cool, snippy tone.
Vickie let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. But this time… well, some things are going on—”
“Something is always going on with you, Vickie! Why can’t you try just once to keep your word and do what you’re supposed to be doing?”
“It’s just… Dane and I—”
Julia gripped her phone tighter, shutting her eyes. “What did you do? Oh, my God! Are you divorcing him now?”
“Um, well, yeah. But look, honey—”
Julia hung up and ignored two more calls from Vickie. She huddled on the curb, hot tears filling her eyes. Damn it! She liked Dane. He was nice to her. He always included her in their plans and was someone she could regularly count on. Whenever she had to rely on Vickie or hang out with her, she knew Dane would be there too, like a rock. The voice of adult responsibility. The reason that Julia ever got picked up on time. Now? Vickie ruined it, just as she ruined everything she ever touched.
Finally, Tracy’s sedan pulled up and Julia ducked inside and plopped down on the seat. Tracy looked like what a mother should look like in Julia’s perception. She had shoulder-length, red hair, which she kept colored to hide the gray. There were a few wrinkles around her eyes, not too many, just enough to suggest she was in her early fifties. She always wore clothes that were appropriate to her age too. She had pillowy boobs and a feminine figure, but Tracy never flaunted it or acted inappropriately in front of Julia. Tracy smiled a lot too. She was tender and caring, always asking Julia how she was doing. She checked in on her all the time and not just haphazardly, when she “happened” to consider Julia’s emotional well-being. Not like Vickie. With Tracy, their relationship was all about Julia, whereas with her biological mother, the relationship centered entirely on Vickie.
Vickie was well into her late forties, but absolutely no one except for a few members of her family knew that. She purposely appeared and acted a decade younger. Having undergone lots of plastic surgery, Vickie got in line for every lift, nip, and tuck she could stand, including a boob job. Her insistence on wearing the ribbed tank tops she preferred had grown into a monstrous source of embarrassment for Julia. Vickie also kept her hair the same shade and length as Julia’s. Their blonde locks always drew the attention of onlookers. Julia hated hearing people comment upon seeing them together that they looked like identical twin sisters.
They so did not! Hell no! Julia was thirty years younger than Vickie and every single wrinkle proved that! And Julia was nothing like Vickie! Not one part of her. Well, maybe half of her DNA. But not anything she could help. Julia wore minimal makeup and conservative, classy clothing, unlike her tawdry mother, who refused to read the damn memo that she was pushing fifty and should not have been dressing like she was twenty.
Embarrassing Julia never stopped Vickie from bulldozing her path toward disaster. Tracy would have never done anything if she suspected it could embarrass Julia. Tracy was well aware of acting properly and its general effect on children. Vickie? Julia almost laughed out loud. Yeah, right! Julia could not imagine Vickie caring about how her behavior affected others. No one at all. Not even her own daughter.
Tracy, ever the perceptive and intelligent mother, smiled and remained quiet for a while as she drove home. She was giving Julia a few moments to decompress. Tracy knew Julia liked to be quiet after she left her psychiatrist in order to recompose herself. Vickie, however, never got that and always started in with her inane prattle.
“How did he do it? How could he have stood to marry her?” Julia blurted out from nowhere.
Tracy calmly put her turn signal on and glanced over her shoulder before replying, “Who, honey? Who are we talking about?”
“Dad! How could he have married her?”
“Do you mean your mother?” Her mouth twitched slightly.
“No, I mean Vickie. She is not my mother.” Julia crossed her arms over her stomach with a stubborn huff.
“Because he liked her. She’s quite likeable. They just weren’t compatible.”
“Bullshit! She’s hopelessly insane and he couldn’t stand her. You’re always too diplomatic when we talk about her.”
“She’s also my sister, honey. I married her ex and raised her daughter, so it gets a little touchy at times. I’ve tried my best to handle it with some sensitivity.”
“Grace. Dignity. Sensitivity. Ha! Putting everyone else’s needs before your own, right? Is that what you mean?”
Tracy sighed gently and smiled with unmasked love towards Julia. Julia bit her lip. That woman right there was the one who gave Julia all her love and unconditional mothering. Not Vickie. “Thank you for the compliment. But what’s really going on? Vickie forgot to pick you up, I get that it’s upsetting, but honey, it’s not the first time, is it? You don’t usually get so worked up.”
Julia sucked in a deep breath. See? Tracy could even tell when Julia was transferring her feelings and misdirecting her anger. Why? Because Tracy knew Julia better than anyone else. She also loved her and always put her first. Julia’s needs always took priority over Tracy’s. Despite having two older daughters, which were her biological daughters, and not nieces, Tracy never discriminated between them. The two older girls were both in their late twenties now, and not requiring her undivided attention and mothering. Not like Julia did. And Tracy was proud to have always been considered her mom. Tears blurred Julia’s eyes. “What if… what if Dad hadn’t married you? Vickie would have fucked me all up.”
Tracy scoffed. “Well, he did marry me and I am your mother and you are not all fucked up, as you put it. But you are angrier than normal at Vickie. Why?”
“She forgot to pick me up. Who forgets to pick up their own daughter? And it’s not like she’s too busy at work or trying to save the world or doing anyone else any good. So there is no excuse. So don’t even try to say she just forgot. Sure, we all forget sometimes. But dozens of times? This happens regularly every few months and has for over eighteen years!”
“I know her carelessness is hurtful—”
“Don’t you ever get tired of beating that same drum? For twenty years, you’ve been doing it. All for her.”
Tracy glanced at her and then away, shaking her head. “No, you’re wrong.”
“No, I’m right! You’ve made nice to her for decades despite all the glaring evidence to the contrary.”
“I mean, you’re wrong that I did it for her. It was never for her. No, I did it for Donny because I love him and we had to make it work despite my sister. It was from guilt mostly at first, and then, it was all about you. I fell head over heels in love with you, Julia, and not just as my niece, or the baby I helped Donny care for, but as my daughter. And I suddenly found myself wanting to be the mother of my sister’s daughter. My sister! Who was still in the picture. Yeah. It’s been tough. Like walking a damn tightrope. I get tired of it, sure, not only because of Vickie and her list of excuses but also for picking up the slack. But doing that if it helps you? In a heartbeat, darling, I’d do it for another twenty years in a heartbeat.”
Julia sniffled, swallowing the tears Tracy’s kind words created. “You’re what a mother is supposed to act like and look like and be.”
“I am your mother. You and I both know that. I don’t know what that makes Vickie exactly. Donny always figured it was better for you to know her than to think she abandoned you. By offering you limited contact with Vickie, which we controlled, your dad hoped you would be better for it in the long term. You know, to prevent any feelings of desertion or neglect. Maybe we were wrong, but we did the best we believed at the time.”
“You weren’t wrong and I’m sorry. I just didn’t need any Vickie drama today. We only asked her to help me out one day a week and she even messes that up! On the one day that your meetings always run late! And here I am again, pulling you away from them! Stupid, messed up, neurotic me who can’t handle anything. I can’t even drive—”
She leaned over and squeezed Julia’s hand. “You can drive. You just have some reasons right now not to. Again, what happened?”
“Apparently, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It’s not a full diagnosis yet. But I think we both know it’s the best explanation for all my… quirks.”
“Is that what Dr. Grad said?”
“Yes. Yup. That’s me. Which you already knew before you sent me there.”
“I suspected it. Look, I missed an eating disorder in Ally, so I couldn’t make the same mistake again. Gretchen and I noticed some things—”
“That my anxiety over Vickie makes me crazy?” Shoving her hands through her hair, Julia became more annoyed as she huffed. “But Dr. Grad says oh, no! There is no proof that parenting styles or their mistakes lead to OCD. Nope. The predisposition for it lies somewhere in my brain and certain things just trigger it. Bacterial or viral infections even! Stress. Trauma. So my trigger has to be Vickie! She causes plenty of stress and trauma.”
Tracy reached over and took Julia’s hand. “She didn’t cause the OCD in you. And we’ll get through this too. You’re not crazy or neurotic. You just need a little help. Ally got some and just look at where she is now.”
Julia yanked her hand back. “You know, I’m not planning to become some kind of international environmental lawyer, right? Or following Kylie’s happy motherhood routine, oh yeah, while still helping abused and neglected kids too. I’m not that girl, Mom. You know that! I won’t be successful doing anything like that. I won’t be, so let’s quit pretending.”
Tracy sighed. “I never suggested they were successful simply because they went to college or chose to do what they did, but because of who they are. And you are just as wonderful as they are, Julia.”
“I’m too weird.” Julia sighed, biting her lip.
Tracy’s face fell as she pulled into their driveway. Leaning over, she took Julia into her arms. “We are all weird, sweetheart. I swear, you’ll realize that the older you get. Kylie’s weird. For years, she denied being raped. Tristan’s weird. His brother is a rapist! Their kids are weird too. We just don’t know how much yet. Ally used to hide the food wrappers from the snacks she gorged on! And Nate considers Vickie a super nice friend. That’s really weird! I married my sister’s husband. That’s weird. Your dad married Vickie, and that’s weird.”
Julia finally released a harsh scoff. “But I really am, Mom. It’s kept me from being what I should be by now. Grown up, and getting a job… you know, all of that. It’s been—”
“Almost debilitating. I know, Ju-Ju. That’s why we suggested you consult Dr. Grad. We’ll be here to help. We’ll figure this out together, okay? You, me, and your dad?”
“Not Vickie. Will you promise me that?”
Tracy hesitated.
Julia shook her head. “She’s leaving Dane.”
Tracy sighed. “Ah, shit.”
“You didn’t know?”
“No. We didn’t know.”
“Why does she always do that? Ruin everything? Leave everyone she claims to love? Why? What is wrong with her?”
Tracy leaned across the seat and took Julia’s chin in her hand. “Lots of stuff, to be honest. Alcoholism, commitment issues. She loves men and insists on monopolizing their attention. She’s spoiled, shallow, and she screws up more often than she succeeds. I hoped—”
“That’s a total of six marriages, Mom. And six divorces.”
“I realize that.”
Julia stared right at Tracy. “What if I turn out to be just like her? What if all my problems are because I am just like her?”
Tracy suddenly pulled Julia’s shoulders into her embrace. “Oh, honey! You are not just like her at all! You will not get married and divorced six times or become an alcoholic or hurt everyone around you without ever realizing how deeply—”
“Or ever stopping.”
“Or ever stopping,” Tracy repeated.
“Can you quit insisting that I make nice with her? I’m old enough to know what’s what now and I’m so tired of pretending she’s my mother. She’s not. I don’t want her to ever be. You only want me to make nice with her because it makes what you and Dad did seem not so bizarre. I don’t care what you and Dad did! It happened like, ages ago! But she still hurts me and you don’t. Just…” Julia shut her eyes, feeling too exhausted to go on. She couldn’t take having Vickie a part of her life anymore. Not when she had so many other issues to contend with. “Just please, let me be your daughter exclusively. Not hers!”
“Oh, Julia. Of course you’re my daughter.” Tracy again embraced her, rubbing her cheek on the top of Julia’s head. Julia sucked in a breath, smelling Tracy’s perfume, which provided an instantaneous comfort and presence that reminded her of home, love, and safety. Leaning back so she could look Julia in the eyes, Tracy said, “Okay. No more making nice. You’re my daughter, not hers.”
Julia sighed. “Thank you. I don’t want to see Vickie anymore and I don’t want any more contact. She took Dane away from me just as deliberately as she deserted me over the past eighteen years. I can’t handle going back and forth. One moment she’s here and hoping to be a mother, or even a friend to me, and then I don’t hear from her for eight weeks! Or else she suddenly shows up out of the blue with Dane and seems stable before running around again and later returning to Dane! She’s already left him twice that I know of. I mean, really, why does he put up with it?”
“Honestly, I’ve never understood the unconditional acceptance and tolerance Vickie extracts from the men in her life. God knows I could never expect any man to put up with that kind of erratic, crazy shit.”
“Even Dad? How could he handle it?”
“You really don’t want to go there.”
Julia smiled at Tracy’s dry tone and nodded her understanding. “No, I really don’t. But I really don’t want her around me anymore. You realize what this means, don’t you? She took Nate away from me too. My stepbrother no longer exists.”
Tracy squeezed her hand. “You know Nate thinks of you as his full-blooded sister, not a stepsister. So do Ally, Kylie and even Tristan. You’re kind of everyone’s…”
“Stepsister.”
“No. Little sister.”
Julia’s lips compressed together. “That sounds better than stepsister.” She eventually nodded at Tracy as she smiled. Tracy slicked her hair back. “Now what?” Julia asked.
“Now? We have to figure out how to eliminate the most time-consuming and pervasive struggles in your everyday life.”
“What if I can’t though? What if I never learn how to control my OCD and I end up living with you forever? Just a stupid, useless girl who can’t even work, let alone, attend college. Lord knows what happened when I tried to go there before.”
“Homeschooling worked out well for you. You’re not the only one with OCD, Julia.”
“Mom…”
She shook her head. “I know, okay? It seems hard but you’ll be fine. We’ll find a way to live with it, okay? No matter what it takes. Or how long, I should add. But will you get there? Of course you will, yes!”
Julia sniffled and rubbed her nose. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m not. Never have been, not even for a single day. Even when I told Donny I could never be your mother, I was already doing it.”
“Where do we start?”
“From the beginning and we’ll see it to the end. The one thing your mother could never do is the very thing you excel in.”