~14~

I was on 15 North, almost at the estate when my phone rang.

Reign…

I rolled my eyes and sent it straight to voice mail. Sheldon had tried calling earlier today about tomorrow’s party, only from an unknown number. Remembering the last time he called from Reign’s phone, I decided to not fall for it again. But then I was alerted of a voice message. When I hit play, I heard Reign asking me to call her about MaMa. Rolling my eyes again, I dialed her back.

“Hey,” she answered.

“Hi, Reign. What does MaMa want?”

“It’s about your car again,” her tone was timid, something I’d grown used to since our distance.

But I wondered what car? The first one coming to mind was the one I was driving. Then it dawned on me: my old Honda Civic.

“What about it?”

I’d just been over there yesterday and she didn’t mention anything to me.

“She wants you to…move it.” It sounded difficult for her to deliver.

“Why?”

“Because of the party tomorrow. She said people’re gonna be over and she don’t want it clunking up the property.”

I took a deep breath, shoulders dropping. This was unbelievable. I’d been over there, cleaning and stocking that nasty house without one complaint, and she wants to make a big deal about my car being parked in her driveway where three other clunkers that were out of commission were. She never had those removed. They were brought there by her late husband, years before his passing. He worked on cars and collected them incongruently. They were never restored, just taking up space.

I shook my head, jaw stretched. “Tell her I’ll be there tomorrow and I’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” she emitted timorously. Just as I was about to end the call she called out to me. “Wynter…”

“Yeah,” annoyance was laced in my tone, not at her but this frustrating situation.

It was something I thought I learned to live with after so many years. But since being out of that world for almost eight months, I could now see how dysfunctional and unfair it was.

“I…I… Ummmmm…” Reign was stalling as I just exited off the highway now in Sparta. “I really like your new place. It’s…nice. Ragee seems cool, too.”

I was stunned into silence. What would I say to that? How should I respond? My first thought was it was simply an olive branch. I could deal with that. But the last time I viewed my sister as innocent, she betrayed me. I had to tell myself this was different. Raj was not Sheldon. He had no inappropriate age complex.

But he did sleep with his friend’s mother, who was an older woman…

I shook my head. That wasn’t a piece of his past I chose to dwell on. No way would I hold him to that. I was being foolish…insecure! I’d never been this way before. However, trauma could bring about paranoia to the strongest of us. This was supposed to be a good day for me. I was on my way to see one of my favorite people on the planet. Giving life to these thoughts would put a damper in my day. I didn’t want that.

“Thanks, Reign.” I even forged a smile she couldn’t see. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I caught the smile in her hushed tone. “Bye!”

I disconnected the call and switched on the radio, needing to clear my head of that conversation. Daniel Caesar’s “Streetcar” was ending on Hot 97, and the deejay was introducing a new single by Ragee called “My Heart’s in the Sheets.” Turning up the volume with rapt interest, I approached the road to the estate. Once the guy finally shut up, I heard a Spanish guitar of sorts, strumming with urgency. Then a hard bass hit and a mid-tempo rhythm flowed. I swear, the moment he emitted a vocal run to embellish the melody before the first verse, my thighs clenched and pulse raced.

“Never had your type before.

You don’t knock…

You beg me to bust down those doors.

Body contoured perfectly.

Hips curve around me.

You don’t want soft, slow.

You sink down on me…

Tell me, ‘you already know.’”

And damn, was this one filled with seductive and fluid melodies, many of which Raj created vocally. He didn’t allow the song to lead him, he led the notes—expanded them with his varied register. Fuck! His voice was thick, milky, and fluid. His pitch went from breathy to croaky; desperate to compose confidence. 

“Her love ain’t in my bed…

She don’t need a mattress.

Shy girls can’t give head.

In the dining room…

On the pool table.

That’s not where we gotta meet.

But baby, my heart’s in the sheets.”

The pulsing extended to my sex.

The fuck, Raj?

Was he telling our sexual temperament? Is that all he saw in me was sex? It made me wonder if that separated me from Heather. She was a conservative, religious woman from what I gathered. Heather was still a topic untouched between Raj and me. What was the deal with her? They were close for sure, but he swore they hadn’t fucked since they were kids. Each time I pondered that since leaving his estate in March, it confused and angered me. What I was sure of was worldly men didn’t fall in love with women they didn’t fuck. That may work for inexperienced boys but could never be possible for a man with Raj’s world experience. Perhaps that was what LeRoy meant before he left me in Arizona.

When I arrived and passed by the security booth, I made a quick decision not to park at the house. Apparently, the thought of that woman secretly discomposed me. I had no desire to share that with anyone because I didn’t understand it myself.

Instead, I found my way to the road leading to Arnie’s ranch. The ride back against the rows of trees brought back warm yet untrusting memories. There was something about his place that rang peaceful…tranquil.

Before making it to the archway entrance, I saw the festive balloons tied to it. I had no idea what Arnie had planned but could tell he was earnest in his attempts. A few other cars and trucks were parked next to the barn. I wondered who else would be here. After parking, I stepped out hesitantly. I honestly didn’t know what to expect.

“Wynter!” I heard a feminine cry of my name.

Coming toward me was Mindy, whom I remembered distinctly.

I waved, shocked by how enthusiastic the gesture was. “Hey, Mindy!”

Mindy’s smile was just as friendly as I recalled it as she gestured the direction while carrying a serving bowl in both her hands. “They’re around front.”

I nodded, thanking her before following. There was music playing overhead from speakers, but not too loudly. And then I stepped into a portion of the barn I wasn’t familiar with. It was an open room, now with a few long tables topped with food. There were chairs spread about and balloons. My eyes went all over as I took it all in.

“Sister-in-love!” A masculine baritone screeched, and I knew it was him. When I turned to confirm, he was already taking lunges toward me. “You came!”

Before I could reacquaint myself with his familiar handsome features, Arnie crushed me in his arms. Damn, he was strong. Not cut like his younger brother, but definitely bigger and solid.

I could hardly breathe to speak. “Why wouldn’t I come, buddy?”

As unrefined as his embrace was, it felt sincere and damn good. Arnie had the nerve to rock me back and forth before letting me go. When he did, we both grinned at one another.

“It’s good to see you again, handsome.”

If Arnie could blush, I’d have seen it in that moment. His smile was unabashed, and shit, did he not look so much like his brother, just with softer features. If Arnie’s mental development wasn’t delayed he’d give his brother serious work with the ladies. But it wasn’t with lustful eyes I received him. It was with a pure heart, similar to his.

“I don’t like that job.” He pouted.

My face fell. “Why?”

“Because it takes you away from home for too long. It makes me and Gee-Gee sad. Grumpy, too.” His pout was adorable.

“I’m sorry, Arnie. I’m trying to figure it all out now.”

“Does that mean you’re home to stay?” His face lit up. 

As if planned, my phone pinged in my hand. A text from the younger Michaels-McKinnon.

Raj: Where you at?

My hands were conspicuously shaky as I typed back.

Me: At the ranch with my favorite brother-in-love.

A nervous giggle pushed through my lips and I glanced up at my favorite pastime since Miss Asia.

“Did Gee-Gee tell you we’re going away in a couple of days?”

“No. He’s coming today. He can tell me then.” He quickly took me at the wrist and pulled me. “Come on. I want to show you to everybody.”

Before I could respond, we were crossing over into the stable where there were several bodies, more than I was used to seeing on the ranch. One turned to me with blank eyes and long locs.

“Cut?” Raj’s father looked different in denim overalls and a cowboy hat. “You’re here?”

Without a smile anywhere but in his eyes, he strolled over to me from the tallest horse in the barn. “You know it. I only got one son.” He threw a quick fake uppercut to Arnie, who giggled in response.

I chuckled myself.

“What’s so funny?” Cut asked faux-defensively.

“That’s the same thing you said to Raj at our…wedding.” That word sobered me.

It seemed so unctuous. But I recalled it. Had he said something different, I might not have been so surprised learning Raj had a brother in his back-back yard.

Cut shot me a wink. “My magic trick. You gone learn soon howda finesse ya children.” That’s when his smiled appeared.

“Hi!” a white woman damn near shouted with her proffered hand inches from my face. She wore two pigtails on either side of her head. “I’m Sarah. Sarah Peterson.” She blinked repetitively. Neurotically. “I’m Arnold Michaels’ girlfriend—”

“No you’re not, Sarah Peterson!” Arnie stomped his foot hard on the grid mat flooring, testosterone booming with that statement. “You said you would stop saying that!”

Sarah’s jubilant expression fell and so did her hand as she peered over to a fuming Arnie. “I thought we agreed,” her expression flummoxed.

“No, Sarah Peterson! I said we could talk about it later!” Arnie’s tone made me uncomfortable.

I’d never seen him upset. But apparently, Sarah Peterson had.

She simply shrugged her shoulders and walked off. I watched her travel not so far away to the smallest horse in the stable, Mickey. I remembered him, too.

Cut and I exchanged a gaze that he understood.

He shook his head. “Poor Sarah’s been trying for years. Arnie don’t like cream in his Twinkie.”

I swear, it couldn’t be helped. A harsh, spitting cackle burst through my lips. I hurled over and laughed my ass off. I laughed so damn hard I snorted like a pig. When I finally came up for air, Arnie was gone and Cut smirked himself. Then I caught him tossing his chin behind me in the manner of speaking to someone. Covering half my face with my fist, I turned without thinking and caught auburns between dark sockets and furrowed brows, one with a scar. That blemish on his nose usually gave him character, but this afternoon, made him appear intimidating.

“Whaddup, god,” Cut greeted his son, his voice just as deep and raspy as Raj’s.

“What it do, king?” Raj offered his hand in the air then bumped shoulders with his father. His eyes remained conspicuously on me.

“You know. Coming up here to get my country on.” Cut took a deep breath. “Shit, Arnie woulda had my balls if I didn’t.”

“That’s what’s up.” Raj bounced on his toes, refusing to remove his eyes from me.

“I’mma go kick it with my youngin’s I brought up here. Good seeing you, young lady,” Cut offered before retreating.

My response was a smile because my tongue was tied by his son’s daunting glare.

“You couldn’t stop at the house and ride back with me?” he asked, though I trained my eyes elsewhere.

“Didn’t see the need to. I was invited here.”

He scoffed, “You ain’t been invited to the crib?”

“Maybe I feel more welcome here.” I shrugged. “You know… Seeing I was never sent away.”

I heard him take a deep breath and from my peripheral, caught him brushing his hand over his face.

“We gone do this again?”

With one hand crossed over my waist and the other at my chin, I murmured, “I don’t believe I’m doing anything. I was actually having a good time until you came in here all brolic and scowls and shit.” I finally peered up to him. Yeah, I was being childish, but between my anxiety about being here thanks to Heather, the song I’d just heard of his, and his disposition I just didn’t give a damn.

What surprised me was how after a few seconds of silence, Raj stepped closer, reached down and took me at the side of my face with one hand. He brought his head down and kissed me sweetly on the cheek. The waft of his delicious scent and familiar heat caused my eyes to flutter and took my damn breath away. An innocent gesture in public had me reacting like the femme fatale he described on the track. I was not that. I was a dignified woman, who enjoyed family—healthy families. Being here this afternoon felt good.

I could also feel him struggling with something. Something I may never know unless he trusted me enough to share. That was why I was averse to being involved with a man struggling with trauma. Their triggers could occur so randomly, and if they weren’t fluent communicators, you’d be useless in helping them cope, oftentimes becoming victim to their crisis.

Cut called Raj over to meet the kids I later discovered were from his gym. It was nice of him to bring them to the country and to meet his celebrity son. Arnie was sure to take me around the place and introduce me to everyone. I noted he avoided Sarah Peterson, though she kept smiling—and blinking excessively his way.

Arnie walked me to the open room where the food was and invited me to eat. I didn’t have the heart to tell him there was no way I could eat with the area reeking of livestock. Nonetheless, others did. At some point, Raj appeared at my side with a bottle of water.

“Still dieting?” he asked.

“I don’t want to embarrass my brother-in-love by vomiting at his party.”

The moment I thought to ask more about today’s agenda, Mindy was calling for our attention in the center of the room. Arnie was next to her, ringing a triangular dinner bell with its metal beater.

“Thanks for joining us today! Arnie has been looking forward to it for some time now.” She stepped back and placed a kind hand on his shoulder. “I’ll let him tell you just how much.”

“Hi, everybody!” The crowd of about twenty or so, now, returned the greeting. “Thank you for coming to the”—He turned to Mindy, seemingly for assistance—“McKinnon-Michaels stable anniversary!” A few clapped. Belatedly, I joined in. “Well… It was supposed to be two weeks ago, but I had to wait for someone special in my family to come back from their stupid job, so it could be perfect.” I gasped and Raj, next to me, snickered as he shook his head. “So, now we can take a ride altogether around the ranch on the horsies!” He clapped his hands and leaped from his toes.

I glanced around, noticing everyone was dressed in riding gear, except for me. I didn’t know that was the agenda.

Arnie approached me. “Let’s go, sister-in-love!” He beamed with child-like excitement. “I have a special treat for you!”

With a tug, I was trailing behind him and into the stable. We brushed past Cut, sidling up to a gargantuan black stallion, the largest in the barn. The three kids he brought with him were with stable aides, deciding on which one they’d take. And we stopped in front of a gorgeous white horse, nibbling on foliage I was sure had a name, but it escaped me.

Arnie stroked the horse as he stood at its side. “Gee-Gee said she had to be white, so I went with an Andalusian horsie. She’s eight years old and a pretty large mare with good bones and size. She knows her leads and breaks real good!”

His beam hit me. My eyes skirted over to Raj, who gazed at me with his head resting to the side and his hands in his pockets.

“Wait…” I shook my head. “This is for me?”

“Your horsie,” Arnie qualified. “I get to name all the horsies, though. And for her, I’m going with CoCo like the white stuff in coconut.” He continued to pet her with long strokes.

I stood in shock. A damn horse? Arnie had taken me out on one once with his staff, but I had no true interest in them. To be honest, I was afraid of animals.

“Okay.” He gave her three strikes, saying goodbye. “I’m going over to Smokey to lead the trail.”

“But wait!” I called after him. Arnie turned to me, a blank look in his eyes. “I don’t… You want me to ride this?”

“Yeah. It’s what we do at every anniversary.”

Raj didn’t chime in, not one bit.

“But…” I glanced down at my skirt and sandals. It was a nice sunny day in April. I brought a jacket for when the temperature was to drop later, but I was full on spring season with my attire. “I don’t have any clothes for riding.”

Arnie slapped his palms on his knees, frustrated. I guessed he had a lot on his plate throwing this party today. A party that was delayed because of me.

“You do, sister-in-love. I made Gee-Gee order you some when he bought horse tack.” Then he spun around to get to his stallion.

I turned to Raj, remembering that last night I was here. Raj broke up Arnie’s and my shopping session when he was teaching me about equestrian accessories. I didn’t think he’d ask his brother to buy the stuff. It was simply fun, listening to him babble about his favorite topic. I’d played along.

Raj tossed his thumb over his shoulder. “You got three minutes to grab your stuff from his office and throw it on or miss the caravan.” The lopsided smile on his face was adorable.

Neither one of us wanted to upset Arnie. Without a word, I obeyed.

A little over ten minutes later, I was saddling CoCo with the assistance of Raj. Just as with my last two times on a living thing, I was nervous as fuck. CoCo seemed even tempered, taking short steps backward and forward, but not fussing. Raj walked us over to his gorgeous, dark chocolate American Quarter named Steel. I recalled that from one of Arnie’s many lectures out here. I watched him mount that beast with seasoned agility. His face was hard, and arm muscles bulged as he did it so effortlessly.

Damn…

The man was fine as fuck, even on a damn horse. Raj took CoCo by the reins and kept us at a close distance to him and Steel. The kids Cut brought up with him were the last ones suited, but eventually were in line to move. Once ready, we all began our trail. For minutes long, Raj and I galloped in silence. I enjoyed the views of nature: a dilapidated boarded up shack, a small pond. There was a light breeze as the sun was preparing to set.

Out of nowhere, the sounds of heavy trots grew nearer behind us. And before I could turn around, Cut came zipping past us impressively on his steed with practiced skill.

“Whoa!” I giggled. “Cut really knows how to ride a horse. He’s a damn pro!”

“Yeah,” I could hear him croak out ahead of me. “Pops did time in juvie. One of his first times in there, they sent him to a camp down in Cumberland County. The program had stable care…farm work. He was probably like twelve, thirteen and fell in love with them.”

“Wow…” I breathed. “He’s been riding since then?”

Raj shook his head. “Never got a whole lot of experience on them. Whenever he could, he’d find a stable, but not a lot of horses around New Brunswick. He took us as kids to stables. His love for them never died. That’s where Arnie gets his love for them from.” I snickered to myself, rolling my eyes at that obvious fact.

Ahhhh…

“But when I got the property and put Arnie back here, Pops commuted from here to the city for like eight months. He got Arnie settled, helped select horses to buy, supervised hiring staff…overseeing stuff I couldn’t ‘cause I was on the road all the time. So those two cats bonded.”

“Looks like you know how to work a horse, too,” I attempted to charm mildly. “Must’ve been time well spent mentoring.”

“Most of it I learned those first few months. Every time I was home, he’d call me back here and teach me. I can’t do what you see my father and Arnie doing, but I can ride.”

That was the last of his sharing. Ragee was clearly brooding, and I was too mentally exhausted to investigate it. From all the running I’d done this week preparing for this party, thinking about bringing Raj around my family tomorrow, and that shit with Heather that haunted me each time I thought about this place, I was at my max mentally. But this was nice. Arnie’s land. I could see how this stimulated his development. The open wild, beautiful nature. It was therapeutic.

When we were done, the sun had set. At the barn, cake was served. Earl’s cake. I actually recognized the three-tier pineapple coconut cake. It was one of my favorites from him. My damn mouth watered at the sight of it. As people were either lining up for a slice or saying their goodbyes, Arnie approached me.

“Wynter McKinnon, you want cake?”

I bit my bottom lip as I watched Mindy cut and plate it.

“Mmmmm… I’m tempted.”

He stepped closer and dipped his chin toward his chest as his eyes swept around us. “That chef at the main house made this,” he whispered. “You know he a lil different? He ain’t holy.”

I cupped my mouth. It was the same thing he’d said when I met him. For seconds, I was stunned into shocked humor, but was able to keep it quiet this time. The moment I was able to peel my hand from my mouth, Raj breezed near me and I was hooked and lifted into the air so damn fast my heart fell from the bottom of me. Then my torso was barreled over and I was facing the floor and moving away from Arnie. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

I peered over to Arnie, who followed us with his hands in the air. Cut and a few others came out and laughed at Raj’s brazenness.

“Gee-Gee!” he yelped. “Where are you taking Wynter McKinnon?”

“Home, Arnie!” Raj grunted.

“Already?” He stopped helplessly. “But she ain’t have cake!”

Raj eventually stopped, too, and I heard a door open. Then I was laid down gently.

In the back of his cargo bed—

“What the fuck, Raj?” I shouted as he closed the hatch door and quickly trudged to the driver’s side of his shiny blue pickup.

“I’ll have Earl bring her up some when he comes to clean up.”

“But Gee-Gee!” he tried again, stomping his foot like a toddler.

Raj keyed the engine and pressed on the accelerator, charging toward the gate of the ranch. My body shifted with the speed. I had to hold on to the wall of the cargo to keep still.

“Don’t fuck around and make some babies!” Cut yelled after us with a small plate topped with cake as he laughed.

When we turned out onto the dirt road, I peered over my shoulder in search of this crazy man. The back slider window of the cab was open.

I crawled over to it. “My car is back there! My pocketbook is in there. You think about that, you damn caveman?”

“You think about that when you drove straight back here instead of parking at the house?” he charged right back.

I couldn’t tell if it was an angry shout or just him trying to be heard over the roaring engine.

“Are you really making a big deal about this?”

“Are you really avoiding my house—your home?” 

I opened my mouth for a retort about where my home was, then quickly remembered it was non-existent. The fucker was as close to a home as I’d had, and that pissed me off. Just as petulant as Arnie, I swung my body around to face the road to the rear of him and crossed my arms over my chest with a pout.

Who the hell throws a woman in the back of a pickup?

I was filthy from being on the horse and now in the back of a pickup truck. Unbelievable!

Thank goodness we’d arrived to the main house where Raj parked in the garage. He assisted me down from the cargo, and pulled me behind him not much different than his brother had. As we traveled through the house, his cell phone rang and chirped, but he ignored it. It was quiet inside, but I knew dwellers were all around this palatial castle. The place smelled good, familiar as we headed straight toward the double staircase.

“Oh, damn. Hey, Wynter!” While being hauled up the stairs I caught Leech over my shoulder.

I tried to smile at the shocked expression on his already “different” face. “Hey, Le—ah! Shit!” I mumbled when I missed a step and stumbled.

Raj did stop momentarily to check on me, but once he assessed I was still alive, he called down to Leech. “Yo, go down to the ranch and pick up her car.” He looked to me. “Where ya keys?”

I thought quickly. “In Arnie’s office where I changed!”

He tossed his chin to Leech. “Bum a ride down there and bring her stuff back. Her bag and clothes, too.”

Before Leech could finish the last syllable in, “A’ight,” the charge continued up the never-ending staircase. The steps that fucking Heather switched her way up the last time I was here. Then there was the ultra-long hallway to get to the master suite. The one he used to keep me away when I moved in.

Ugh!

See!

I was annoyed being here.

Both the doors to his room were open, but he swung me inside like a ragdoll and closed them behind us.

“Really?” I demanded.

Raj’s eyes closed, and he hung his head, resting his back against the doors. Out of breath, and utterly speechless, I stood and watched him. He took a deep breath.

When his eyes opened, he shook his head slowly. “I couldn’t go another night without you. Not tonight.”

I lifted my arm, my finger pointing behind him. “We just spent the night together two days ago.”

He shook his head again.

My face fell. “Aren’t we going away the day after tomorrow? You act as though you’re leaving town without me.

His face fell further into his chest. “It’s the obsession thing.”

What?

Then he moved. Raj ambled over to me and took me by the wrist again. I clomped behind him to the bathroom where he pushed the lever for water to run in the tub. My eyes shot up to him, questioning his next move. Yup. He lifted his shirt off, next came his t-shirt. Raj kicked off his boots before falling into a squat to remove mine. And then I thought of the lover in his “My Heart’s in the Sheets” single. Is that the woman he wanted right now? Did I want to be that? I had my own emotional cross to carry, too. I needed to be held and nurtured my damn self.

Within a minute, I was disrobed and standing next to the massive oval tub naked. Raj sprinkled powder into the water then, freezing on a thought, he sauntered over to the linen closet and returned with a lighter and white box and lay them near the tub. He then patted the pockets of his jeans, pulled out all of its contents, and carried them out of the bathroom. I stood there alone, without a single clue of his agenda.

When he came back in, he grabbed my hand and ushered me inside the hot water. And damn, did it feel like silk against my skin.

“Okay?” he asked.

I nodded, holding my breath as I slid inside. Raj went to lighting candles all around, creating an ambiance. He turned the water off, seeing the tub was full. Then he went for the white box and sprinkled the fresh black and white rose petals over me. I gasped at the scent and feel of them raining down on me. It wasn’t a finessed move, but he still got points for the added attraction of them.

“Be right back.” His broad, cut back scurried out again.

The water felt so damn good I decided to stretch back into it, until all but my head was submerged. What a damn day.

What a damn life…

I closed my eyes and let my arms float in the torrid, scented water. The fragrance of flowers heightened the experience. Instantly, I let go of the strain of my limbs and gave in to the water just enough to not totally submerge. Soft music sounding caused one lid to open. Some old school voice that sounded vaguely familiar. I adjusted to the new stimulant after a while, a hum of contentment leaving my nostrils. I didn’t know how long I floated in there, but I guessed that was the purpose.

The sound of him stepping into the bathroom roused my state. He was naked. My joints tightened again at all the groves and hairs on his body. His resting dick smacked against his thigh as he sauntered toward me in the tub. I swear, I salivated, needing to swallow hard by the time he lifted his thick thigh to slip inside, in front of me. My whole body seemed to have snapped awake, all senses alert to him.

Raj slowly sank in, adjusting to the searing water himself. I could hear him hiss all the way to the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Then he reared back, big body shifted between my thighs until his head rested on my right shoulder. Then as he let out a palliative breath, I felt the minty coolness hit my face, causing my eyes to roll back in my head and neck to collapse backward.

He didn’t speak and neither did I. I now had to readjust to his presence, proximity, and energy. Raj was being weird. A little needy, not that it offended me. I just wished he’d just share with me. But I wouldn’t push. I didn’t want to set that precedent in our relationship. If he struggled, he should initiate the conversation. But this silence was nice. So nice, I think I dozed off.

His fingers grazing my skin underneath the water set fire to my groin. My eyes popped open and I could feel my nipples hardened beneath his weight on me. Then he managed to get a hold of my foot and rubbed it firmly in his big hands. The silkiness of the water intensified his touch and I could feel my sex swell. I was pretty much convinced he was beckoning the lover he described in his last two singles that weren’t even a part of an album. He told me earlier this week he had a few tracks he’d planned on releasing for creative fun. A cleansing act of sorts. He didn’t mention there were more about me coming.

When his fingers deepened the pressure on the inner arch, I pushed my needy palms over the grooves on his brawny shoulders. My body hummed as I fought a moan.

“I had a…” He swallowed, “…nightmare last night…” came out hesitantly and so soft, I almost missed it.

My eyes were wide, swinging from left to right. I licked my lips.

“You can talk to me…” I thought again. “Share with me, if you want.”

His handiwork paused.

“Or not, if you’re not ready,” I tried.

“I wanna tell you everything.”

“Then tell me everything.”

“I don’t know if you can handle everything.”

“Raj… Have I run yet?”

“You kidding me? I almost lost you.”

“Because you pushed me away, thinking I can’t handle your ‘everything.’ And I’m still here.”

He continued at my feet. “I want you to stay. Forever.”

“Forever is a long time.”

“And that’s why I’m scared to tell you everything.”

“Forever is a long time to be with someone who can’t trust you wholly to accept them. The only thing I can see being problematic is you filtering what I should know. You’re an R&B dude, Raj: be open. Vulnerable.”

“In my dream, you were pregnant.” He scoffed bitterly. “Real pregnant. And Patty got to you. She found you and told you something that made you so mad, you miscarried. It was like I was there but wasn’t. Like I was helpless to her…again.” He swallowed hard again. “I watched you grab your belly and scream from the pain of losing the baby as she stood there and watched. There was blood and…you screamed so bad, baby.”

My foot in his hands grew pained from the pressure he applied now. I wiggled it to hopefully remind him he held it. Thank goodness it worked.

I closed my eyes and tried to not change up my breathing to tip off how concerned I was.

“What could that monster possibly have said that would bring me trauma like that?” I stroked his hairy chest to comfort him.

Ease him.

There wasn’t shit that bitch could say to harm me. She may have taken his innocence, trust, and tampered with his ability to flourish in personal relationships, but she didn’t take his soul. His spirit, though dim, was still intact and loving. I knew that for sure. 

“The reason I don’t want kids.” The silence was killing me. My pulse could be heard at the staccato of a clock during the delay. “That you weren’t special,” he murmured. “That she carried my first child…”

My entire torso lengthened as my lungs vacuumed more air than I could tolerate. Raj turned to face me in one shift and so fast the water splashed on the floor.

“See!” he growled so hard and close to my face, my eyes rolled to the back of my head again. His wet hands grabbed me at the sides of my head, forcing me to look at him. “This is why it’s hard for me to share my shit with people!”

“I’m not…judging!” I couldn’t gain my breath. “I’m just processing.”

“Processing what?” His glower chaffed at my heart.

“How much I truly hate that bitch.”

“Why? She did nothing to you.”

He was being defensive.

“She’s making me work so fucking hard for something I want so bad. Something I’ve needed all my life.”

“What?” His eyes were crazed with madness.

Raj seemed violent and I knew. I knew it was all because he felt more naked sharing his trauma than he was here, bare between my tensed, arched legs. He trusted the moment to share just a little and thought he made the wrong decision.

“A home.” My shaky hand rose to his heaving bubbled chest. “A place where I feel I belong and am not just being accepted due to circumstances. A safe, loving place where I’m chosen, not tolerated.”

And there went my shield of security. Here I was vulnerable. And that scared the shit out of me. It made me sad for the both of us. There was so much I needed to tell him. So much of me I should have shared but had been too afraid to because I’d lose the mask of “put together” and “whole,” two things I wasn’t. What I was good at was championing other’s scars, aiding their wounds. It helped me forget my own.

He didn’t know the half, but when the torrent of tears I hated raced from my eyes, he lifted me from the water and wrapped me in his hard arms. Against his chest, I felt the astounding drumming of his heart. Even if he didn’t know the name of my fear, he felt it. He was well versed with the phenomenon to recognize it this up close.

No more words were exchanged that night. I was completely zapped and tender. Raj lifted us from the tub and walked into the shower where we slowly washed in silence. When I stepped into the bedroom, I headed straight to the closet where I saw my pocketbook and keys on the bench. Raj was there with me, tossing on boxers. He took me by the hand again, this time with a gentler and patient touch, and guided me out.

I froze.

The bed.

Raj turned to me with a questioning glare.

As I gazed at the stark white bedding. A few black decorative pillows were arranged at the top with white textured ones, and a lesser amount of gold. I whispered, “It’s the bed.” He didn’t respond. “That bed is a hard factor for you. And while I have no phobias of being with someone in a bed, I do have issues of belonging.” My eyes brushed up to him. “Of feeling special to people. You made me feel adored for weeks in that bed. You made me feel like the exception instead of an inconvenient party in your world.” I took a deep breath, hating opening myself like this. “That all went away when you sent me on that plane, hurt and fucking confused. I felt deluded... Burned...by all of you.” I swallowed back a cry, eyes closing and rolled behind my lids.

I felt him near me. Shivered from his heat and scent. When Raj took me by the hands, my lids cracked enough to see him take to his knees. His arms circled my waist and he lay the side of his head against my belly.

He didn’t speak right away, but when he did, he delivered hoarsely, “Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m still learning how to be a man to a woman. I’m sorry for leaving you hanging that day. I swear...I lost years from my life all those weeks without you.

“Needing someone for something other than business hasn’t happened for decades for me. And needing a woman is still new to me. I’m sorry for disappointing you and can promise you it won’t happen again.”

My eyes closed, and I squeezed them to keep me from crying. I stroked the top of his head, my fingers brushing over the soft twists.

“I’m tired. I’m sure you are, too. We have a long day tomorrow. Let’s get some rest.” When I opened my eyes, Raj’s auburns were on me. “Together,” I mouthed.

The muscles around his eyes loosened and he stood to his feet and began pushing the pillows off the bed onto the floor.

What a damn life, indeed…