I was clammy with perspiration by the time I climbed the steps to Reverend Sam’s big sky-blue house and knocked on his door. On my second knock, he pulled the door open and his face lit up in surprise.
“Tess!” he said, his smile warm. “I’ve missed seeing you. How have you been?”
I opened my mouth but couldn’t find my voice. My eyes filled and I shook my head. “A lot has happened,” I managed to say.
He lost his smile. “Come in, child,” he said softly, stepping back to let me pass, and I walked into his dark, cool living room and breathed in that suddenly familiar scent of old burned-out firewood. “Let’s go to my office.” He motioned toward the hallway.
I followed him down the dark hall and through the anteroom, barely noticing the tall white skeleton and other artifacts lining the walls. In his office, we took our places, Sam behind his desk, me in one of the wooden chairs opposite him. He immediately reached across the desk, and I rested my hands in his. He shut his eyes.
“Dear Lord,” he said. “With your protection and if it’s your will, open the doors between worlds today so this child can find peace.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat and said nothing. I was certain he didn’t want me to tell him why I was there. I doubted I could get the words out, anyway.
“Yes?” he asked the air, turning his head slightly and opening his eyes to half-mast. “Ah,” he said. “Walter is here with us.”
“Walter?” I whispered, puzzled.
“I see spirit running down the street.” He smiled at me. “Bouncing a ball.”
I shook my head, disappointed. Maybe I’d imagined that he had a gift. Maybe I’d believed what I wanted to believe about him.
“I don’t think you know him very well, Tess.” Reverend Sam frowned, his eyes tightly shut again.
“I don’t know any Walter at all,” I said quietly. “At least not any who have passed away.”
Reverend Sam wore a slight frown above his closed eyes. “Yes. Yes,” he said, and I could tell again that he wasn’t speaking to me. Then he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. “You’re definitely connected to this Walter in some way,” he said. “Some way outside our knowing.”
“All right,” I said. I would just accept it.
“There are many connections in this room today,” he said, still frowning. “I feel them pummeling me. Vying for my attention. It’s hard to separate them.”
I nodded, feeling dubious. Walter?
He shut his eyes again, muttering a few words that I guessed were a prayer.
“Ah,” he said suddenly. “I see spirit … I see … Lucy? Lucy, is it?”
“Oh.” I clutched the arms of the chair.
“Spirit is beautiful,” he said. “Surrounded by a healing blue light.”
“Lucy is?” I asked.
He didn’t answer. He seemed far away from me. If he truly was connecting to Lucy, I needed her to know how sorry I was.
“Please tell her I’m sorry,” I said. I heard the intensity in my voice. “Please tell her I’d do anything if I could bring her back.” My eyes stung. “Tell her how sorry I am that I couldn’t save her.”
“Shh.” He frowned again, his eyes closed. After a moment, he shook his head. Opened his eyes. “She’s gone,” he said.
“Oh no. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken. I—”
“She died in a terrible way?” he asked.
“Yes. I wasn’t supposed to use the car, but I did and we blew a tire and landed in the river and I couldn’t get her out.” The words rushed out of me and I began to cry in earnest. My hands were in fists on his desk and he leaned forward and covered them with his own.
“No, child,” he said softly. “Lucy is beautiful. Lucy is fine. I told you, she’s wrapped in a healing blue light.”
I looked into his kind bronze-colored eyes, longing to believe him.
“Never think about the way someone died,” he said. “Never stew on that. Think about the way they are in spirit, my dear. You tried your best to save her, didn’t you?”
I nodded, gulping my tears.
“Your Lucy is fine,” he said again. Then he shut his eyes and said another prayer and I suddenly felt distrustful of him. Was I a sucker? The cynic in me wondered if he might be a charlatan after all. He knew my name. Tess Kraft. Everyone knew the Kraft family, even here in the Ridgeview neighborhood. Everyone knew about the accident that killed Lucy Kraft. Maybe Reverend Sam read the newspaper with a magnifying glass, memorizing the names of people who’d passed away in case their loved ones showed up at his door. He’d started with the name Walter. I didn’t think I’d known a Walter in my entire life. How had he known my mother’s name, Maria, the first time I saw him though? That I couldn’t explain.
“Someone else is here,” he said, interrupting my thoughts.
I hesitated. “Who?” I asked, and I imagined he was going to say my mother’s name again.
He frowned, turning his head slowly left then right, his brow furrowed in concentration. “Andrew,” he said.
Oh my God. I let out my breath, and with it my doubts about Reverend Sam’s honesty.
“Andrew doesn’t speak,” he said, “but I feel him with us in this room.”
My tears were back, burning my eyes. “He was my baby,” I whispered, and Reverend Sam’s eyes flew open.
“Born too early?” he asked.
I nodded, my voice failing me.
He closed his eyes again. He didn’t speak but appeared to be listening. “He feels his mother’s love,” he said finally. “Your love. That’s all he needs. He loves you very much.”
I wept then, my face buried in my hands. My baby. I felt him in the room with us. I truly did. I’m so sorry I didn’t fight harder to hold you, Andy.
I cried a long time while Reverend Sam waited quietly on his side of the desk. When I finally pulled myself together, he was looking at me, clear-eyed sympathy in his face.
“No one understands,” I said. “They act as though he never existed.”
“He exists in spirit now, child. Peaceful spirit.”
“Is he in a healing blue light?”
“I didn’t see the light,” he admitted, “but I felt the peace. You can let go of any guilt or worry about Lucy or Andrew, Tess. Let go of it all.”
We talked a while longer and I began to sense his weariness. I was overstaying my welcome, yet I hated to leave.
“I want to give you something back,” I said finally. “Please, can’t I pay you for your time?”
He looked surprised. “I don’t take money,” he said, then smiled. “I don’t need money.”
“But this tires you, doesn’t it?” I asked, suddenly worried about him. “It takes a lot out of you.”
He nodded. “I believe you’re the first person ever to ask me that. To realize that,” he said, then he folded his hands neatly in front of him on the desk. “Understand, Tess, that I enjoy helping people,” he said. “Comforting people. But yes, I often nap for two or three hours after I connect with the spirit world.”
“But who comforts you?” I probed. “I think you give and give and give, but who gives back to you?”
“You are an inquisitive girl,” he said, looking amused. “And a very kind girl as well. My sons look in on me. They live in Charlotte and they take turns making sure I’m still alive. And my wife visits me quite often.”
“Your wife?” I said, surprised. “I thought she was…” I stopped, then laughed as I understood his meaning. “Well, good,” I said. “I’m glad she comes to see you.”
I got to my feet, not really wanting to go but knowing he needed to rest. He walked me out, through the anteroom, past the skeleton and down the dark hallway. We said good-bye, and when I stepped into the bright sunlight and began walking down the street toward the bus stop, I knew without a doubt Lucy would no longer bother me in the house. I knew it like I knew my own name. But more important to me at that moment, I’d been able to talk safely and openly about Andy. Someone else had honored his existence. If only Henry had, just one time, acknowledged that our baby had been a real person. A real baby boy. With a name. With a future stolen from him. But now I knew Andy existed someplace safe and serene. I would never get to hold him. Touch his sweet cheek. See him smile his first smile, bright-eyed and gurgling. But he was at peace. I could ask for no more than that.