Operation Day
The next two weeks flew by. Tracy drove into Barrington three times, once for Lucas’s appointment with Dr. Crawford and twice just to talk with Gabriel Hawke. It seemed that he could calm her fears as no one else could. When Tracy talked of possible complications, Gabriel came back with stories of children, some younger than Lucas, who had gone through the same surgery and were now chattering like magpies.
Tears of joy ran down her face when they sat together and watched videos of toddlers hearing the sound of their mama’s voice for the first time.
“Do you really believe this will happen with Lucas?” she asked.
Gabriel nodded. “I can probably guarantee it.”
Tracy wanted positive, not probable. She hated probability; it was an ever-widening crack in her world, a world that could split open at any minute. When she’d left Magnolia Grove with Dominic, he’d said they would probably get married, but they didn’t. At the time she’d felt positive about it, but as the months and years passed, probability widened the gap, and it never happened.
She turned to Gabriel, her brown eyes dulled with worry. “I wish you would say positively.”
“There are very few absolute things in this world. The years between birth and death are filled with possibility and probability. What you make of those years is up to you.” He let his eyes linger on her face and smiled. “However, I can say I’m positive you’re doing the right thing for Lucas.”
The slightest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.
On the day of Lucas’s surgery, Meghan arranged for Sheldon to cover the Snip ’N’ Save. She programmed the office phone so that it would forward calls to his cell and set an auto-response e-mail on the website.
Lila, who was normally an early riser anyway, had breakfast on the table by six thirty that morning, but no one ate. Meghan picked at a piece of toast, and Tracy barely sipped the coffee that was set in front of her. Having been forewarned Lucas was not to eat or drink anything, his high chair sat empty as he followed Sox from room to room. Shortly before eight, the table was cleared, and they all climbed into the car for the trek to Barrington.
The surgery was scheduled for 10:00 a.m. They arrived at Trinity Hospital an hour early, and when Lucas was taken back for pre-op, Tracy was the only one allowed to accompany him. She remained by his side until the gurney came and they lifted him onto it. The sight of him lying there, so small, so fragile, to be facing such an ordeal alone, was terrifying. Yet there was nothing more she could do.
It was a feeling of helplessness far greater than anything Tracy had ever known. With her heart pushed up into her throat, she cupped her hand around his chubby cheek, then kissed his forehead. “You’ll do just fine,” she promised. In her heart she had to believe this was true.
Once the gurney disappeared down the hall, Tracy turned back to the waiting room and was surprised to see Gabriel sitting alongside Meghan and her mama.
“I thought you might need an extra shoulder,” he said, smiling.
“Thank you,” she replied, then crossed over and gave him an affectionate hug.
In a waiting room, time is measured differently. A second becomes a minute, and minutes turn into hours that plod along as if held back by a team of invisible horses. The minute hand of the clock barely moves, and the hour hand appears stuck in the same spot forever.
After a painfully slow hour finally ticked by, Gabriel went to the cafeteria and brought back coffee for everyone. Tracy opened the lid, dumped in two packets of sugar, then left the container sitting on the table until the coffee grew cold and the cream clotted on top.
“It seems we should have heard something by now,” she said.
Gabriel shook his head. “It’s usually about three hours.”
He’s done this before. He’s guided other families through this just as he’s doing for me. She nodded and gave a whisper-thin smile. “Thank you.”
It was another long hour before Dr. Crawford finally came to the waiting room.
“The implant is in, and everything went well,” she said. “Lucas is in recovery now.”
“Oh, thank God.” The stiffness in Tracy’s back went soft, and she relaxed against Gabriel’s shoulder. “He’s all right, isn’t he? There were no complications?”
Dr. Crawford gave an understanding smile. “No complications,” she said. “Everything went very smoothly. As soon as Lucas is settled in his room, the nurse will be out to get you, and you’ll be able to see him.”
“How long will it be?” she asked anxiously.
Dr. Crawford chuckled. “Not long, fifteen or twenty minutes. But he won’t be able to go home tonight. We like to keep a patient Lucas’s age overnight just to make sure he’s doing well.”
“How long before he can go home?”
“He should be good to go tomorrow, but you’ll need to keep him quiet for a few days. Bed rest if possible.”
Tracy was so happy she wanted to pull Dr. Crawford into a bear hug, but she held back. Instead, she simply reached out and took the doctor’s hand in both of hers.
“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you so much.”
When they finally got to see Lucas, Tracy was momentarily taken aback. He was paler than she’d expected and groggy from the anesthesia. A patch of hair was missing, the bandage covering it stained with blood. Tracy gently ran her fingers along the curve of his cheek, then took his tiny hand in hers. He was so small, and it seemed so wrong that he should have to go through something like this. Her eyes welled with tears.
“My poor baby,” she whispered, and bent to kiss his forehead.
Even though he had been through so much, there would be no immediate reward. It would be another long month before he would be able to hear his first sound. The waiting was going to be hard, very hard.
Tears crested her eyes, and she brushed them away with the back of her hand. “You’re such a brave little boy,” she said. “I know you can’t hear me now, but someday you will. You’ll hear my voice and come to know the sound of it.” Again she blinked back the tears. “Right now this is hard, baby, I realize that. But one day you’ll be able to talk like all the other children. I promise, Lucas. I swear, no matter what, I’ll make it happen.”
As Gabriel stood beside her, he felt a lump rise in his throat.
Meghan and Lila left the hospital early that evening, but Tracy stayed, and Gabriel stayed with her. Standing together at the side of Lucas’s crib, they watched him sleep, the tiny breaths causing his chest to rise and fall rhythmically.
Tracy brushed a lock of hair from his forehead and, without looking up, said, “Lucas has a lot of hard work ahead of him, doesn’t he?”
Gabriel nodded and touched his hand to the small of her back. “You both do. There will be times when you may grow weary of repeating the same phrases in precisely the same way over and over again, but I promise you that in the end it will all be worthwhile.”
Even though he’d gone over it several times before, he told again of how Lucas’s speech would come haltingly at first with single-syllable words and repetitive sounds. In time he would be able to look at a picture and give it a name: duck, dog, water, house. After that he would move on to where he could connect words to one another, asking for a drink of water or saying the dog was brown and the house was big.
For years, his actual age and his hearing age would be different. Lucas was fifteen months old now, but in hearing years, he had yet to be born. His hearing birth would happen after the external sound processor was turned on and he listened to Tracy’s voice for the first time.
“It’s a slow process,” Gabriel said, understanding the comfort it brought to hear these things again, “but I believe by the time he turns five, his hearing age and actual age will come together and be the same.”
A soft smile settled on Tracy’s face as she listened. And when Gabriel spoke of the day when Lucas’s speech would be no different from that of a hearing person, she clasped her hand over his.
“I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without you,” she said.
In the dim light of Lucas’s hospital room, Gabriel looked down at her face and felt a swell inside his chest. He had seen this look of gratitude on countless other faces, but somehow it looked different on Tracy. More glowing. He hoped that what he saw was something more than gratitude. He wanted to believe it was a thing that would last, a thing he could hold on to.
He stayed with her until almost midnight, and when he left it was only at Tracy’s insistence. “You’ll be exhausted,” she’d said. “Go home and get some sleep.”
Once he was gone, she sat in the chair alongside Lucas’s crib. It had been a long and tiring day, but still sleep was impossible to come by. She closed her eyes and let her thoughts drift back to the years in high school, wondering why it was she’d never before noticed Gabriel Hawke.
At ten thirty the next morning, when Meghan returned to the hospital, Lucas was ready to go home.