The First Sound
Tracy decided to have Michelle, the audiologist at the school, do Lucas’s mapping. This was perhaps the most crucial stage of the process. It was when he would be given an external processor and hear sound for what probably would be the first time.
Her nerves were stripped raw. For nearly a month she’d counted the days, marked them off one by one, waiting, anticipating this moment, but now as she buttoned Lucas’s shirt, her fingers trembled. She thought back on Gabriel’s words: nothing is absolute.
There were too many ways this could go wrong. If the sound were too loud, Lucas might cry or try to yank the processor off and could reject it completely. If the sound were too low, he’d hear nothing but muted murmurs.
She lifted him into the high chair and spread a handful of Cheerios on the tray. Lucas was still a baby; all of this was foreign to him. He had developed his own habits, his own way of navigating a silent world. Now, after sixteen months, they were asking him to accept the strange new noises in his head. Was such a thing even possible? In those first few moments, he wouldn’t know that what he was hearing was her voice, and there was no way to explain it because he understood no words.
Tracy knew the only thing she could do was watch his face and try to gauge his reaction. If he cried or buried his head in her lap, she would try to show him this was a good thing with the touch of her hand and the feel of a few familiar words.
For nearly a week she’d been working with Lucas the way Meghan had, holding his hand to her face and letting him feel the vibrations of her throat. She’d used only two words: mama and Lucas. Two words were enough.
When Michelle turned the sound on, Tracy would touch his fingers to her throat so he would recognize the familiar vibrations as the word came to his ear. She prayed it was enough, that he would understand this strange new sound was their link to one another. Last night she’d not slept a wink, thinking of how it would be for Lucas, praying that such a small child would have the kind of acceptance that would be difficult even for an adult.
She’d told Meghan only that she was driving over to see Gabriel. She hadn’t mentioned that this was to be the day. She wanted desperately to have Meghan with her, but Gabriel said fewer distractions were better, so she’d decided to go alone.
“Tracy?” Meghan repeated.
“Huh?” The sound of her name shook Tracy from her thoughts. “Sorry, I guess my mind was somewhere else.”
“Is something wrong?”
Tracy shook her head. “Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Want me to drive you over to—”
“No need,” she said, rejecting the thought before Meghan finished the question. She took one last sip of her coffee, then lifted Lucas from the high chair and started for the door.
“See you later,” she called out, trying to sound light and breezy.
When they arrived at the school, Gabriel was waiting in the front lobby.
“Today’s the big day,” he said, smiling. “Michelle has everything ready.” He lifted Lucas into his arms, and they started toward the audiology lab.
As she trudged along, a row of worry lines settled on Tracy’s forehead.
“I hope it goes well.” Her voice was shaky and thin as an eggshell.
“It’ll be fine,” Gabriel assured her. “I have a feeling this little guy is going to surprise you.”
The audiology room was on the second floor of the school. It was a small room with a computer desk, two comfortable chairs, and a few toys atop the desk. Michelle was at the desk making some last-minute adjustments to the program when they walked in.
“Welcome,” she said with a bright smile.
Tracy returned the smile and nodded. She sat in one chair with Lucas on her lap. Gabriel took the other.
Michelle pulled a box from beneath the desk and came around, carrying the two small processors. Each one was about the size of a quarter, a magnetized unit that snapped onto the back of Lucas’s head. Narrow wires connected the processors to the power pack.
“Let’s get you set up,” she said, “then we’ll turn the sound on.” She adjusted the wires and then plugged the power pack into the computer.
“Can he hear now?” Tracy asked nervously.
Michelle shook her head. “The power’s not on yet.” Reaching over for her mouse, she made a few clicks, then smiled across the desk. “The sound is on now, but it’s very low. Let’s see if he reacts.”
Tracy held her breath for a moment, uncertain of what to expect. She could feel the thumping inside her chest. It seemed her heart had somehow risen into her throat. She called his name, praying he would respond. “Lucas?”
There was no reaction. He reached for the plastic truck on the desk, grabbed onto it, and started rolling it back and forth.
“Lucas,” she repeated, this time a bit louder.
Michelle watched Lucas, and when there was no reaction, she turned back to the screen and clicked through a few adjustments.
“Try now,” she said, keeping her eye on the screen.
Tracy leaned around him so she could watch his face. “Lucas, do you hear me? This is Mama.”
He looked at the truck in his hand, then threw it on the floor.
Tracy’s eyes filled with tears. “Does he not hear me?”
“It could be that the volume is still too low.” She made another adjustment. “Try again.”
A tear rolled down Tracy’s cheek as she called Lucas’s name in a quivering voice. Still there was no response. He wriggled forward and reached for another toy.
“Hmm.” Michelle left the computer, came around, checked the wires, then went back to her seat. She looked at the screen and scrunched her nose. “He should be hearing now. Try speaking a bit louder.”
Gabriel noticed the panic taking hold of Tracy’s face. With no warning to anyone, he clapped his hands. Not a polite clap of applause but one hand smacking hard against the other: SLAP-SLAP.
Lucas snapped his head up and turned with a startled look.
Gabriel laughed. “He can hear.”
“He can?” Tracy broke into a smile, and her eyes glistened with tears of happiness.
“He just doesn’t know what to make of the sound. It’s not unusual. Turn him around so that he’s facing you, and try talking to him again.”
Tracy reached over to the desk, pushed the toys back from his reach, then turned him to face her. She took his hand in hers and placed it at the base of her neck, just as Meghan had instructed. In a deep-throated voice, the kind she’d used to try and teach him the word, she said his name. This time she stretched it into two long syllables.
“Lu-cas.”
He looked up, wide-eyed.
Now certain he had heard her, she pulled her voice back to a more normal register and said, “Mama loves you, Lucas.”
As she spoke, he lifted both hands to her face and began searching for where the words were coming from. He held his fingers to her mouth and throat and the spot just below her jaw where sound bounces off bone.
Never before had Tracy known such happiness. Even the sweetest moments of loving Dominic paled in comparison to what her heart now felt. As Lucas’s tiny hands continued to explore her face, she spoke, saying the things she had waited so long to say, hoping that even though he had no understanding of the words, he would recognize the tenderness in her voice and feel the love she had for him. Lucas, still looking bewildered, moved his tiny hands across her face, feeling for the source of this new thing that had suddenly come into his head.
Michelle gave a grin of satisfaction.
“Okay,” she said. “Now I’m going to turn the sound off for a moment, make a few adjustments, then turn it back on.”
When the sound stopped, Lucas looked as confused as he had when it started. He put his fingers to Tracy’s mouth and pulled it open.
“Well, I’ll be,” Gabriel said, laughing. “He knows that’s where your voice came from, and he’s looking for it.”
“Is this good or bad?” Tracy asked.
“Good. Very good. He’s going to be a fast learner.”
Michelle looked up from the computer. “Okay, I’m ready to turn the sound on again. Three. Two. One.” She clicked the mouse. “It’s on.”
Looking square into his face, Tracy said, “Lucas, baby, Mama loves you.”
This time he waved his arms in the air and gave a happy squeal.
For almost three hours, this was how it went: on again, off again. One by one, Michelle tested each of the electrodes in his processors and made minute adjustments. At times Lucas responded with grunts, squeals, and babbling as if he were talking back, but he said no words. Not even the few he’d learned. It would take time—months, possibly years—before he would speak with understanding of the words’ meaning. In hearing age, he was a newborn.
For a long while, Lucas seemed excited and happy with the new sound in his head. When Michelle turned it off for an adjustment, he looked around as if it were something he’d misplaced, and when it came on again he looked at the person talking and babbled happily.
In time, Lucas tired of this new game. He reached up, grabbed one of the processors, and pulled it off.
“No,” Tracy said firmly. “Leave it.” She eased the processor back into position.
By then he’d grown fussy. When Gabriel spoke to him, he whined and buried his head in Tracy’s lap.
“He’s had enough for today,” Michelle said. “Let him get used to this, and tomorrow we can fine-tune a few more things.”
Tracy nodded. “He’s tired. It’s way past his naptime. That’s why he’s cranky.” She lifted him into her arms, and he laid a sleepy head on her shoulder.
Michelle suggested Tracy leave the processors off for a while, put them on for an hour or so after dinner, and then take them off when he went to bed.
“It takes a little bit of time for a child to get used to this, so bear that in mind, and let him work through these changes at his own speed. For the next week or so, you may occasionally need to take the processors off and give him a rest. Don’t be afraid to do it.”
“How will I know when it’s time?”
Michelle laughed. “You’re his mama. You’ll know.”
Afterward, Gabriel walked with them to the car, and before Tracy had finished buckling Lucas into his seat, he was fast asleep.
As she climbed behind the wheel, Gabriel said, “It was a good day. I think Lucas will do very well.”
Tracy looked up. “Is that a guarantee?”
“A ninety-nine percent guarantee,” Gabriel replied, his eyes twinkling.