The handle to the locker was pressing hard against my spine but my body was turning numb, the feel of Aaron’s hands squeezing my throat fading away. My fingers clawed at his grip. It felt as though my skull was expanding, a balloon inflating inside my head. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t swallow. My eyeballs ached, the edges of my vision blurred and darkened and I felt myself slipping, sliding. Just as I was surrendering to the feeling of nothingness, light and noise came rushing back. I slumped to the floor where I covered my throat with my hands as I sucked in air.

‘For fuck’s sake, Aaron.’ Lisa was thumping him on the chest.

‘I didn’t…’ I could feel his gaze on me. ‘I wasn’t…’

‘Just fuck off.’ Lisa shoved him. Hard.

‘But if Kat—’

‘I’ll talk to Kat.’

Their words were muffled. My body shaking with shock.

Aaron ran his fingers through his hair and, for a second, I thought he wasn’t going to leave, but he said: ‘you’d better keep her quiet, Lis.’ As his footsteps pounded down the corridor, I tried to stand, but my legs wouldn’t support me.

‘Let’s go and talk.’ Lisa gripped my hands to pull me up, and for the first time I noticed how frail she had become. How awful she looked. Huge purple shadows under her eyes. Skin pale. I’d thought it was the pressure of the exams – what sort of friend had I been?

‘I said I’d meet Jake.’ It hurt to talk. I brushed at my throat, still feeling a pressure there.

‘Jake? It’s always fucking Jake, isn’t it?’ Suddenly she was furious. ‘This isn’t about you, or Jake, or Aaron. It’s about me. For once, it’s about me.’

‘You need help,’ I said in a voice that sounded nothing like mine. The balloon inside my head was deflating, dizziness tilted the floor.

‘For what? Wanting to be thinner? If that’s the case most of the girls in our year need help too.’

‘There are healthy ways…’ I couldn’t think straight, my head swimming.

‘It’s no different to SlimFast shakes or those herbal tablets that promise quick weight loss. You can buy those everywhere. If they were that unhealthy, they wouldn’t sell them, would they?’

‘It’s not remotely the same as SlimFast. Why didn’t you tell me, Lis? I’m here for you.’

‘That makes a bloody change.’ She turned and ran, and I stumbled as I tried to catch her, my shoulder crashing into the metal lockers.

‘Lisa, wait.’

* * *

We were halfway to hers by the time I caught up with her. She spun around to face me.

‘You mustn’t tell, Kat.’ It was the first time I was to hear those words that week. The second time… I try not to think about the second time. It’s almost more than I can bear.

‘Lisa, it isn’t just you. What if someone has a bad reaction? Dies? Do you want that on your conscience?’

‘No one is going to die. It’s not heroin, Kat. So yeah, it gives me a bit of a buzz but not in a bad way. It feels good. Happy. You should try it and then you’d see it’s not so bad.’

‘Lisa, listen to yourself.’

‘I have to! You never listen to me any more.’

‘That’s not fair, I—’

‘It’s all about my brother, isn’t it? You don’t care about me.’

‘I do.’ That much was true, but maybe I didn’t care in the all-consuming-centre-of-my-world way I had before. The fabric of our relationship had become unravelled, knitting back together in an entirely different way. The edges no longer seamless. Sometimes it was dizzying keeping up with the ever-shifting dynamics. The vying for attention.

‘Jake. Jake. Jake.’ Lisa spun around slowly in a circle, hands clasped over her ears like a child. It was frightening. I almost didn’t recognise her.

‘Stop it.’ I grabbed her wrists tightly and pulled her hands down.

‘Jake. Jake—’

The slap I gave her stung my palm, cracked like a whip. To this day I don’t know which of us was more shocked. I stood rooted to the pavement long after Lisa had disappeared around the corner, and as I turned and began to walk home, my hand still tingled.

That night I had told my parents I felt too sick to eat dinner. That was true, at least. I texted Jake to tell him that I had a headache and was having an early night. I didn’t know what to say to him. Lisa was his sister and he had a right to know, but she was also my best friend, and my loyalty felt shredded. What should I do? It took me ages to make a decision as I tossed and turned in the heat, kicking the covers off before dragging them back up to my chin again when I felt cold.

At midnight my phone vibrated. Jake.

I hesitated. I was going to have to face him some time. Talk things through.

A clamp tightened around my chest as I silently crept across the landing, being careful to avoid the loose bit of carpet at the top of the stairs Dad still hadn’t fixed. One step. Two. The third creaked, despite my carrying my shoes in my hand. I froze, waiting for the hallway to flood with light. For my parents to shout: ‘Where do you think you are going?’, but there was nothing. Somehow, the silence seemed the loudest thing of all. I pressed forward, descending the rest of the staircase as quickly as I could, holding my breath as though they might be able to hear me exhale, but I was unable to quieten the thudding of my heart which sounded terrifyingly loud. The hallway was shrouded in darkness. I caught my hip on the handle of the cupboard under the stairs, and the sharp pain tugged a cry from my lips. I clamped my teeth together and hobbled into the kitchen. It was lighter in there. Moonlight pouring through the window. My stomach rolled at the stale smell of the fried eggs mum had cooked for dinner. What was I doing? I reached for the back door, my fingertips gripped the key. Every instinct in me was telling me to go back to bed; I was bound to get caught. And yet I slipped on my shoes and turned the key. The back door creaked open.

I tiptoed down the side of the house. Paused as the latch on the gate squeaked open. It wasn’t too late. I could go back to bed, but while my mind wavered, my feet didn’t falter. I ran as fast as I could, not slowing until I reached the park.

He was there, in shadows, slowly spinning on the roundabout that squeak, squeak, squeaked.

I suppose if I had slowed down, I might have realised the figure was too tall to be Jake. Too stocky. I suppose I might have noticed the white van parked outside the park gates. But as it was, it wasn’t until I drew alongside him I realised it wasn’t Jake at all.

It was Aaron.

The initial stab of betrayal I felt as I realised Lisa must have texted me from Jake’s phone paled in comparison to the fear that rose as Aaron stood and loomed towards me. A twisted expression on his face.