I replayed the events of Perry’s party the night before on a loop until the memory became more colourful and vibrant than the present moment. The feel of Jake’s hands entwined in my hair, the brush of his lips on mine, sweet apple cider on his tongue.

‘Kat!’ The irritation in Mum’s voice snapped me back into kitchen where she was rolling stuffing into balls, roast pork spitting and crackling in the oven.

‘Sorry. What did you?…’

‘Set the table.’

I cleared away my revision books and laid out the cutlery. Not the weekday slightly tarnished knives and forks but the shiny silver wedding present set housed in a wooden case. Dad was so traditional. I couldn’t remember a time we didn’t have a roast lunch on a Sunday, even during the summer months when our terraced house became a furnace, the sun glaring furiously through the back windows.

The conversation at dinner was strained.

‘What are your plans for this afternoon?’ Mum asked Dad in a tone that indicated she knew exactly what he should be doing. It was the same every week. Dad would say he was reading the papers and Mum would remind him the fence remained half-painted, the loose stair carpet needed nailing down, the shelf in the lounge was still wonky.

‘I’ll get round to everything just as soon as I can,’ Dad said, although we all knew he wouldn’t. Sometimes I wondered whether he ignored Mum’s lists as a matter of pride. A sense of needing to be the one who decided if and when things got done. Being in control, I suppose, in a way he hadn’t been over his career. The way he tried to be over mine.

‘Daphne’s son—’

‘Is a handyman. Yes, I know. Any more gravy?’ Dad looked pointedly at the empty jug. For a split second, something flared behind Mum’s eyes and I thought she might tell him to make it himself; I urged her on inside my head, but she scraped back her chair and flicked on the kettle. The sound of water boiling seemed deafening in the resentment-heavy silence. I tried to imagine my parents young and in love. It was impossible. They didn’t even seem to like each other. Twenty years was a long time to be married but, still, I couldn’t picture them ever feeling the way me and Jake had felt last night. I slipped back into my memories, wanting to be anywhere but here.

* * *

Later, wishing again I had a mobile phone, I sat by the landline like a lovesick teenager, and I suppose that’s what I was. Jake didn’t ring, although he never said he would. Lisa didn’t either. It was unusual for us to go a day without talking, but each time I picked up the receiver, I’d remember her face as I kissed Jake, the shock and disbelief, and I couldn’t bring myself to call. I told myself we spent so much time together it was always going to be awkward when one of us got a boyfriend, and her reaction wasn’t specifically because it was Jake, but I wasn’t sure and I hated to think I’d hurt her in any way. Still, I knew as I got ready for bed that tomorrow, at school, I’d be seeing them both.

* * *

I waited for Lisa on the corner of the main road, as usual, leaning against the postbox. It had gone quarter to nine by the time I realised she wasn’t coming. The stop-start of the rush-hour traffic spitting fumes into my lungs, the incessant thrum of engines, sparked a throbbing behind my eyes, a queasiness in my belly. The bell had already rung by the time I fell through the classroom door, breathless and hot, inhaling the smell of sweaty feet and whiteboard markers. English was the only subject we had in common but, rather than sitting at the desk we always shared by the window, Lisa was sitting at the back, next to Jake, their heads close together. My jealousy was immediate and sharp, a stinging slap of envy. Jake raised his hand as he noticed me but Lisa’s smile was tight, and it took every ounce of willpower to keep my eyes fixed on the board and not keep turning to look at them as the double lesson stretched on and on.

Finally, it was break, and I was swept out of the door where I hovered in the corridor, again the sick feeling in my stomach. Had Jake changed his mind about us?

He came out first and looped his arm over my shoulders and, just like that, we were a couple.

‘Can you give me and Lisa a second?’ I asked.

She was walking as slowly as she could towards the door, eyes fixed on the floor.

‘Sure.’ Jake briefly pressed his lips against mine. ‘See you at lunch.’

‘Lisa.’ I caught her arm as she tried to walk past me.

‘Kat, I didn’t—’

‘Don’t pretend you didn’t see me. What’s going on? I waited for you for ages this morning.’

‘Sorry. I—’

The bell rang shrill and loud.

‘Everything’s fine, Kat.’ Lisa shook her arm free. ‘I’ll see you later.’

I watched her grow smaller and smaller as she hurried down the corridor. The distance between us felt vast.

* * *

At lunchtime, I meandered towards Jake and Lisa across the overgrown grass that was yellowing with thirst and popping with buttercups and daisies. In the warmer weather, the sixth formers were allowed to eat their lunch on the sports field. I could feel the glare coming from the lower years, confined to the concrete playground, jostling for benches, knowing the hot tarmac would burn bare legs if they sat on the floor. I remembered feeling the same envy when I was younger.

‘Hey.’ I flopped next to Jake. Lisa averted her eyes as he kissed me hello. The gold cross glinted around his neck, and I wondered if the metal was hot against his skin.

‘So you two are a thing?’ Aaron chucked his bag on the grass next to us.

‘They are,’ Lisa said, her voice flat.

I unpacked my lunch. My sandwich was warm and unappealing, the bread soggy with sliced tomatoes, lettuce browning. Although I didn’t have much of an appetite, anxiety over Lisa rolling around my stomach, I pulled open a packet of Walkers Smokey Bacon instead.

‘Want one?’ I offered the pack to Lisa. A peace offering, of sorts. She shook her head. She didn’t have any food in front of her. Instead of eating she was plucking flowers from the grass and dropping them into her lap.

‘Where’s your lunch?’ I asked.

‘I’m on a diet,’ she snapped.

‘But still, you have to eat.’

‘My sister has just lost loads of weight,’ Aaron said. ‘She ate proper food too. I could help you if you wanted?’

‘I can’t be arsed counting calories. I’d rather do something quick, like SlimFast.’ Lisa stood and the tumble of buttercups on her skirt scattered over the grass. ‘I’m going to the loo.’

‘What’s up with her?’ Jake asked, shielding his eyes from the sun as we watched her stalk towards the school.

Without answering, I grabbed my bag and followed her.

* * *

The toilets were stifling. We stood in front of the cracked basins. The smell of bleach and stale cigarettes thick in the air.

‘Are you pissed off about me and Jake?’ I spoke to her reflection in the mirror as she dragged her brush through her hair. It seemed easier somehow than facing her directly.

‘No. You’re both free agents. You can do what you want.’ She winced as the bristles of the brush caught in a tangle.

‘So why didn’t you meet me this morning? Sit with me in English?’ I removed the brush from her hand and started to work the tangle free with my fingers. ‘What was that about on the field?’

‘Dunno.’ I heard the catch in her voice. Could almost feel the tears burning hot at the back of her throat, transporting me back to a time she’d fallen over in the playground, chasing Reece Walker after he’d stolen my Kit Kat out of my hands. Her knee was bloodied, bits of gravel embedded in the skin but, although her bottom lip jutted out, still she didn’t cry. She always found it difficult opening up, being honest about her feelings.

‘Nothing will change, Lis.’ I rested my chin on her shoulder, our eyes meeting in the mirror.

‘It’s not going to be a casual thing, is it?’ Her voice was small. ‘I could see that from the way you looked at each other.’

‘I really like him, but if it’s going to upset you…’ I didn’t finish my sentence. I didn’t know how to. Really, I didn’t want to choose. What would I do? It would have to be her, wouldn’t it?

‘Everything’s changing.’ She didn’t elaborate but I knew what she meant. Soon we’d be leaving school. I’d be leaving town. She’d be staying. Lisa didn’t want to go to uni; she didn’t know what she wanted. Often, she was like that, ignoring decisions, unable to weigh up options, as if she hoped the future would never come. Me, my path had been mapped out for years.

‘Nothing stays the same,’ I said gently.

‘I know. It’s fine.’ She sniffed. ‘I’m just being silly.’

‘I’ll still spend lots of time with you. We won’t leave you out.’ I meant every word. ‘You’ll find someone too.’

‘Who’d want me? Lardy Lisa.’

‘No one calls you that!’ I checked my watch as the bell rang. ‘I’ve got to go. History.’ I rolled my eyes.

‘I’ll miss you, Kat,’ she blurted out as I tugged open the graffiti-covered door.

‘I’ll see you after school?’

‘I meant when you’re at uni.’

‘I’ll be back every holiday. It won’t be that different.’

I didn’t know then, of course, we weren’t just approaching the end of school. In a way, it was the end of everything. None of us would ever be the same again.