Chapter Five
Nate
As we walked down to the beach, I wondered if I could take a hold of Janie’s hand. It was something that I’d done many times before without ever thinking about it, but now, well now I just wanted things to be normal, to be even. To go back to a time when we were okay. When we had each other and she didn’t want anyone else. When she didn’t need a real relationship. I knew that was selfish of me. In my own way I knew. I just didn’t know how to change.
“I’m not skinny-dipping, you know. If that was what you were hoping and thinking.” Janie’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
“I wasn’t hoping that,” I lied as I stared at her in her red one-piece bathing suit. She was smiling at me and her face glowed in the moonlight.
“I hope the waters not cold.” She shivered as she walked. “I don’t want to freeze to death.”
“It won’t be cold. It will be nice. Nice and refreshing.”
“It better be.”
“If the waters cold, I will keep you warm.” I reached out and grabbed her hand, not caring what the implications of that were. I pulled her toward me and she looked up at me in surprise.
“You’ll keep me warm, huh?” She grinned. “I thought that was Dylan’s job.”
“Janie …” I growled at her as I felt a mounting anger in me. “Dylan is …” My voice trailed off as I saw her laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “You’re just funny, that’s all.”
“Really? How funny?” I smacked her ass and she yelped and pulled away from me.
“Not that funny.” She giggled and then ran toward the water. “Catch me if you can.”
“I can catch you.” I ran behind her and then grabbed her from behind as I caught up with her. We both fell down into the water and her legs twisted against mine as her body crushed against me. “Got you,” I whispered in her ear as we splashed around in the water.
“Nate.” She turned to look at me, her face dripping with water. “You got me wet.”
“Did I?” I winked at her.
“Nate,” She chided me and splashed me with water.
“Hey, that’s cold.” I splashed her back.
“Well, you’re the one that said it was going to be warm. You’re the one that wanted to go swimming.”
“Yes, I did.” I jumped up and pulled her up with me and put my arm around her shoulders. “Look up at the moon, isn’t it beautiful?” I pointed up to the clear night sky and watched as she looked up. She gasped and her eyes widened as she stared at the stars. I felt a calmness fill me as we stood there.
“It’s so beautiful,” she whispered as she gazed at me. “Why are you looking at me?” She played with her hair. “Is there something on my face?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Well, nothing that’s not normally there.”
“Why did you never tell me that you liked to write?” she asked me thoughtfully. “I feel like I don’t even know you.”
“What are you talking about?” I made a face at her. “Why would you say that?”
“You’re a beautiful writer, Nate, and you never even told me that you wrote. I feel like there’s this whole side to you that I don’t even know. It makes me sad that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t trust you.” I reached down and grabbed her hand. “It is just that it hasn’t been a big part of my life anymore. And it’s always been something really private to me.”
“But you won a competition.”
“Yeah.” I made a face at her. “That I did.”
“It was so good, Nate.”
“Do we have to talk about this?” I sighed. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“Have you written anything else?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I have.”
“Would you share them with me?”
“I’ve never shared them with anyone before.” I looked away from her, feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t want her to know about my other pieces of work. I didn’t want to share them with her.
“But I’m your best friend, right?”
“You’re one of my best friends,” I said and she made a face.
“Who else is your best friend?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “And don’t say Dylan.”
“We both know Dylan is not one of my best friends,” I said and she laughed.
“You can’t say Anabel either.”
“What? Didn’t you know how much she loved me?” I winked at her and she laughed even more.
“You’re incorrigible. You know that, right?”
“I barely even know what that word means, Janie.” I put a finger on her lips. “And shh, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“What do you want to talk about then?” She was almost breathless as she gazed up at me, her eyelashes filled with drops of water that I just wanted to kiss away.
“I don’t want to talk,” I said and then leaned down and kissed her lips lightly. Her eyes widened as she gazed at me and her arms reached around my waist as she pressed her body into mine. Her breasts felt soft against my chest and I could feel myself hardening at the feel of her against me. My hands reached to her hair and I deepened the kiss and pushed my tongue into her mouth. She sucked on it eagerly and I groaned as her fingers reached up and dug into my back. My hands then fell to her ass and I squeezed her butt, loving the sounds that were escaping from her mouth softly. She shifted against me and I moved back slightly and kissed down her neck. I looked up at her face, her eyes were closed, and there was a blissful smile on her face. This made me even hornier and I reached up and pushed the straps of her bathing suit down her arms.
“Nate, what are you doing?” She gasped as my mouth went lower and I kissed the top of her breasts.
“What do you think?” I winked at her and then moved my mouth down lower so that her nipple was in my mouth.
“Oh,” she cried out as I sucked and nibbled, loving the wet taste of her in my mouth. “Nate we can’t do this here.” She reluctantly pushed my head away and pulled her strap back up. “Someone could see.”
“So?” My hands went to the side of her face and I kissed her again. “Do you care?”
“Yes, I do.” She shook her head at me. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I want to and I think you want to as well.”
“Nate, I do, but I just …” Her voice trailed off as I kissed her hard again. I could feel my hardness throbbing against her stomach.
“You make me so horny,” I groaned in her ear. “I want to just take you right here, right now, in the water. I want you so badly.”
“Nate.” She blushed and then sighed.
“What?” I froze as I realized she had stiffened next to me. “Sorry, should I not have said that?”
“No, it’s fine.” She sighed. “It’s just like you can open up about sex, but nothing else.”
“What?” I frowned at her and stepped back to look at her properly. “What are you talking about?”
“I asked you about your writing. I wanted you to share more with me. Yet, you blow me off.” She looked sad. “I know this is a weird space for us, but I would like to think I mean more to you than just a quick fuck.”
“Wow, I can’t believe you just said that, Janie.” I was gobsmacked. “Do you really think that?” I stared at her face for a few minutes and I could tell from her expression that she was hurt. We were at a crossroads in our relationship and I didn’t want to lose her from my life. I didn’t think it was a big deal that I hadn’t told her about my writing before, but it seemed to me that she was a lot more upset than I had anticipated. “I’m sorry I never told you I like to write. Frankly, I was embarrassed.”
“Why were you embarrassed?” she asked me softly.
“Because people that want to be writers are full of themselves and I didn’t want you to think I was full of myself.”
“I don’t think writers are full of themselves.” She shook her head. “I’m just sad that you never shared it with me. That’s all.”
“I have some other pieces. I can share another one with you tonight,” I said slowly, my brain shouting at me to stop what I was saying. “It’s really personal to me. And well, to you as well.”
“To me as well?” She looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
“I wrote this after everything that happened between us in college,” I said, feeling shy. “After you stopped talking to me. And when I started feeling like shit.”
“Oh.” She nodded. “I see.”
“It’s not about us per se, or our story. But it was inspired by what I was feeling.”
“Oh, wow.” She paused for a second. “Are you going to share it with me?”
“If you want me to.”
“I would love it if you would.” She nodded. “I really would.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Tonight?” she asked me eagerly and I laughed.
“Only if you spend the night with me.”
“Nate.” She just smiled at me.
“How badly do you want to read it?” I winked at her and she laughed.
“Fine, I will sleep in the same bed as you. That doesn’t mean anything is going to happen.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go then.”
“What?” She laughed. “No more swimming?”
“Of course not. It’s cold.” I grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up and carried her back to the shore.
“Nate, put me down.” She squirmed against me as I walked and I let her back down as we got to the sand. “You can’t carry me all the way back.”
“Sure I can. Look at these muscles.” I flexed my arms and she just rolled her eyes at me. “Come on, goofy,” I said as we walked back to the apartment. I was excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I wanted her to spend the night with my, but a part of me was loathed to share something so personal to my heart. Something that told of my headspace after I’d done her wrong.
***
“So, the piece is called The First Time,” I said, as I got ready to hand her my laptop.
“Oh my God, it’s not about the first time we had sex, is it?” She groaned as she looked at me. Her face was sweet and warm as she sat there in her pajamas, her hair freshly washed and her face scrubbed clean from her shower. I’d wanted to join her in the shower, but I knew it was too soon to just surprise her like that.
“Janie, I told you, it’s not about us. It was inspired by my feelings when I realized I’d lost you from my life.”
“Okay.” She nodded. “I get it.”
“I don’t think you do, but you’ll see.” I handed her the laptop and sat back against the headboard. “You just have to promise you won’t judge me.”
“Why would I judge you?”
“Because the story is sentimental and I’m not a sentimental guy. And also, I wrote it from the perspective of a girl. I don’t want you to think that’s weird.”
“You’ll always be my weirdo.” She laughed. “But I know you’re a big softy at heart.” She gave me an impish smile. “Can I read it now?”
“Go ahead.” I sighed and then grabbed the remote. “I’m going to watch TV as you read it.”
“Go on then, now shh,” she said and I watched as her eyes went eagerly to the screen and she started reading. My chest felt tight and I felt a tension in my shoulders as I remembered how alone and lost I’d felt when I’d written that piece. How guilty and ashamed of myself I’d been. How I’d wondered about her and if she hated me. How I’d let her down. How I’d hurt her. I’d almost gone out of my mind when she wouldn’t speak to me. It had been the worst feeling in the world. The absolute worst. I couldn’t let that happen again. I had to remember that. I only wished my body would accept that it couldn’t have her again. Having her again meant complications I didn’t want to encounter. Unfortunately, my body didn’t want to listen to my brain.