Most of the time, I worked straight through from the time I got to the firm until I drove back to Lavender Shores. I didn’t even stop for an official lunch break; there was always food hanging around somewhere I could snag. And even if there wasn’t, as long as I had coffee, I was good. And there it was, noon, and I’d only had one cup. I’d taken a few extra minutes and gotten an Americano to go from Lavender Leaves and hit the road. One cup. I was shockingly okay with the changes that seemed to keep coming nonstop lately. However, a forced curbing of my coffee addiction was not going to happen.

Before going back up to the firm, I stopped by a Harvest Coffee located on the first floor of the high-rise. I got a quad shot espresso and one of the premade sandwiches, then took a seat by the window. Look at that, more changes. An actual lunch and I was sitting down somewhere other than my desk. That change made me feel a little uneasy, with all the work I had to do, but maybe it was a change I should get used to. Being happy was leaking into every area of life.

I sipped the coffee and unintentionally let out a long groan, causing the woman at the table beside me to look over, startled. “Sorry about that. I really needed coffee.”

“I get that way sometimes. Though I don’t know if I’ve ever had a cup of coffee as good as you made that sound.” Her gaze darted toward my bare ring finger, and then she leaned forward, clearly accentuating her low-cut blouse. “You made that sound better than sex.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I have a very strong and devoted relationship with coffee, but if it’s better than sex, then you’re doing it with the wrong person.”

Her eyes lit up and her red lips curved. “Oh really? Maybe I have been doing it with the wrong person.”

I straightened, realizing where this was headed. I searched for the quickest way to shut it down. “Yeah, trust me, part of why I’m so exhausted today was my boyfriend doing things all weekend that were so much better than coffee.”

“Of course.” Her shoulders slumped, and she shook her head and offered a smile, though her voice sounded frustrated. “I should’ve known with how good-looking you are. Happens nine times out of ten. Shit, most of the time it’s ten times out of ten. I think I need to get the hell out of San Francisco.” She stood, gathering her things and picking up her cup of coffee. “Have a good day. And send me some of your luck on finding someone who can make me feel better than coffee.”

“You got it.” I watched her walk away and then realized what had just happened. Without more than a thought, I’d referred to Donovan as my boyfriend. I took a sip of the coffee as I tried to let that sink in. I wasn’t sure what the biggest part of that was. Donovan being my boyfriend or that I’d just told someone other than my parents, my ex-wife, and my ex-brother-in-law that I was gay. Well, and Nick the hookup paralegal queen.

Holy fucking shit.

My heart rate had already increased, thanks to the caffeine, but it nearly sped out of control for a few seconds. This was really happening. I hadn’t woken up and discovered it was all a dream. And I’d just confessed to a stranger.

No, that wasn’t right. That didn’t feel right at all. That hadn’t been a confession. Nothing laden with guilt or a desire to repent. So, what was it?

The answer to that was easy, really. It was evident in the peace that settled over me, despite my pattering heart. That was me just being me. Being Spencer Epstein. Or being Spencer Barton. Whatever combination of the two I was now. My hand reached up and felt for the tattoo over my suit jacket before I realized what I was doing. I dropped it back down. For the first time in my life, I was being exactly who I was. And while maybe that should’ve been the most terrifying thing in the world, it felt absolutely amazing.

When I’d gone to Lavender Shores that night, intent on putting reparative therapy behind me, closing the door on God, and getting oh so very gay, I had been nearly sick with dread. But now the doors were still closed on all of that, and being gay, actually admitting who I truly loved, wasn’t scary. If anything, it was relaxing. I wouldn’t ever have predicted that. And I didn’t give a flying fuck about what anyone else thought. Another new sensation to add to the books. After our time in San Francisco, I had no more doubts. Not that I’d really had any before. And, sooner or later, Donovan and I could be as open in Lavender Shores as we were in the city. There were only three people whose opinion of me really mattered. Donovan, and he’d made his feelings abundantly clear. Emma and Ethan. As much as I loved them, and as well as I knew them, I wasn’t certain how they would take it. That wasn’t exactly true either. They adored Donovan. And the gay thing wouldn’t be an issue. They were Lavender Shores natives. Being gay was celebrated, and we had plenty of gay family members, on both the Epstein and the Carlisle side. But I was a lawyer, not a child psychologist. I’d spent thirty-nine years getting ready for this change. Maybe it made sense that when it finally clicked, it clicked. For them, it would be out of the blue. I didn’t think it would hurt them, but I wasn’t sure.

Still, this was San Francisco, not Lavender Shores. My kids weren’t here.

“Hey, Spence, nice job closing the Masters case this morning.” Mark First, another lawyer in the firm, plopped down in the chair across from me, barely managing to not spill his coffee. “Do you ever get sick of being congratulated on your cases?”

“You know, I don’t. Feel free to write a song about how wonderful I am and sing it as I walk into the office every day.”

I’d expected a laugh, but Mark narrowed his eyes, studying me. “Since when did you get a sense of humor?”

“Hey, that’s mean.” Although, he wasn’t wrong. I knew my reputation for being overly staid and a workaholic.

“No, I’m serious. Something’s different. I noticed in the courtroom this morning. You were practically floating as you addressed the judge.” He leered at me good-naturedly. “You’re getting some. You old dog, getting back on the saddle again. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“I wouldn’t dream of denying anything, Mark. I might still be under oath.”

“And there he goes again, with the jokes. We’ve got a clown wearing a suit in our midst, ladies and gentlemen.” He leaned closer, lowering his voice. “So, who is she? That new twenty-year-old with the push-up bra who just got hired on the twenty-fourth floor? What’s her name…?” He squinted. “Sky or something, right?”

I paused for a second; this was it. Just what I’d been thinking about. If I made this leap, there would be no going back. I couldn’t pretend or act like he’d misheard.

I didn’t want to go back.

“Her name is Skyler, actually. She’s twenty-six and has a boyfriend.” Here we go. Here we go. “One thing we have in common, we each have a boyfriend. Mine’s name is Donovan, and he’s in his forties. And yeah, I’m getting some.”

It looked like Mark almost fell off his chair. “No shit? You’re gay?”

I nodded.

“Huh.” He shook his head. “I never would’ve seen that one coming.”

My father had done his job well. Thanks to him, I’d made it nearly four decades without anyone seeing it coming. Still, Mark must not have been in the office on Friday, or Donovan and I had been quieter than I’d thought.

“Well, that’s awesome, dude. I’m glad you’re happy.” Mark leaned forward again, his whisper even lower this time. “So, back to Sky, or whatever you said her name was. Sounds like you know quite a bit about her. Is she happy with her boyfriend or do you think I’ve got a chance?”

Yes... relaxing. After the initial shock of fear, that felt extremely relaxing. I would probably need to work on my delivery, but I was looking forward to making that announcement whenever I needed to. Time to be exactly whoever and whatever Spencer Epstein was.

 Reclining against the wooden bench, I crossed my arms and legs and stared out at the view. I’d come to Lavender Shores expecting certain things and had gotten something completely different. I reconsidered that thought. Maybe it took ten years, a little more than that, but it seemed I was getting exactly what I’d originally intended. There were just some twists and turns along the way. A wife, a house that was no longer home, two beautiful children, and an extended family that was rather intense at the best of times. The one thing that hadn’t changed since that first night in Lavender Shores was how beautiful the town was. A decade later, and it still took my breath away. There I sat on a park bench, the charming town at my back, the ocean spread out in front of me, lush and jagged cliffs giving way to the sea. And on either side, verdant forests you could get lost in for hours.

I was certain the Spencer I had been all those years ago would stand in condemnation of the Spencer I was now. I no longer found solace or refuge in God and religion, although maybe I never had. It’d just been an illusion. Now, I found those things right where I was. In the sand at the beach, in a herd of elk grazing in a meadow. The fog that rolled over the town most evenings. When the loneliness and the sensation of being trapped in a marriage that wasn’t working became too much and I couldn’t disappear into work, I disappeared here instead. Into the beauty that seemed specific to Lavender Shores. I hadn’t noticed, but at some point over the years, that beauty had taken a sad tone. All of it melancholy.

Now it was like I was seeing it with fresh eyes. Maybe even clearer than I had those first few hours in town. It felt bright once more, soft. Full of hope. Maybe that was all just me, or maybe I finally matched my surroundings.

Could this really be my life? Could I really have it all?

As if answering my thoughts, the steady sound of pounding feet sounded to my right. I glanced down the trail, and sure enough, there he was. Blue tank top showing off tanned, muscled arms. Those small running shorts were as perfect as anything nature had to offer. The bounce of Donovan’s package captured my attention. Out of habit, I glanced away, then remembered I didn’t have to do that anymore. Not only could I look as his bulge jiggled, but I was allowed to do anything I wanted with it later. I managed to tear my gaze away from it finally, and looked up at his handsome face as he jogged nearer. His earphones were in—doubtlessly he was listening to some audiobook—and he was focused on the sea. Probably feeling my stare, after a few more strides, he looked my way, his pace faltering in surprise. His expression lit up and he pulled out his earphones, hurrying over to me.

“Hey! I thought you weren’t getting home till later.” He came to a stop by the bench as I stood.

“I skipped the gym and came back. I was anxious to see you.” I closed the small distance between us, intending to give him a hug, then remembered we weren’t in San Francisco anymore, and I had to look around and check. There were a few people farther down the trail.

“It’s okay. I’m sweaty anyway.” Donovan smiled, though I thought I saw a flash of disappointment. “You should’ve called. I would’ve met you at my house.”

“I knew you’d be running after you finished your sessions. I didn’t want to interrupt that.” I motioned toward the bench. “Plus, I can’t complain about the view. I figured you’d pass by here at some point. Which only makes the view a billion times better.”

He blushed, looking pleased.

“I almost don’t want to bring this up, because I’m afraid you’ll quit wearing them. But those running shorts—” I clucked my tongue. “—the things they do to your dick…. When we’re back at your house, I think I might want you to just stand in front of me and do jumping jacks for a while or something.”

Donovan burst out in laughter and lowered his hands to cover his crotch.

“Don’t laugh. I’m serious.”

“Oh, I realize.” Donovan stepped around me and took a seat on the bench. “You’re kind of making me hard, which could lead to an embarrassing situation.”

I glanced down, and he lifted his hand. Sure enough, the growing erection was clearly visible. “I so want to be involved in that embarrassing situation.”

He patted the bench. “Here, sit down for a little bit. At least till I get myself under control. Then I can cut the run short, and we can go home. I’ll do cardio in a much more fun way.”

“You trying to make me hard right now too?” Despite the nearness of people on the trail, I gave my crotch a little squeeze and waggled my eyebrows. “Because it’s working.”

Donovan shook his head, his cheeks scarlet. He reached out and gave my hand a quick squeeze before pulling it away.

I hadn’t been planning on mentioning it, but having to restrain ourselves due to the people nearby made me want to tell him. I studied Donovan as I spoke so I could judge his reaction. “So, I came out at work today.”

His eyebrows shot up. “You did?”

I nodded.

“Wow. You don’t waste any time, do you?” He seemed pleased, which was what I’d hoped for. “Was it because of how loud we were in your office?”

“Oddly, no. Although my assistant did keep giving me strange looks today, so I bet she heard something.” I shrugged, unconcerned. I’d probably tell her soon enough, though it could be fun to see how long it took her to bring up whatever she’d heard. “No forced confessions. I just didn’t want to hide it, so I didn’t.”

“How do you feel about that?”

I laughed. “I don’t think you could sound more like a therapist if you tried.”

He laughed along with me. “I suppose you’re right. But I mean it. That’s huge. Are you doing okay?”

“Oh, yeah.” I didn’t even have to pause to consider. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been better, honestly. I feel free. And I think I finally feel like me. Like who I’m supposed to be. Though I’m not really sure what that means. Maybe just that I’m finally who I want to be.”

“I still can’t believe this is real. I’m not used to wanting things so desperately, especially while trying not to want them, and then to have it happen, like this….” Donovan dared to grasp my hand again and held on. “I keep having moments where it hits me that it’s actually true. Just like when I turned around and saw you sitting here. And in that heartbeat, it crashes over me once more that this is actually happening.”

I squeezed his hand before he pulled it back. “It is really happening, Donovan. I’d probably be a lot more nervous about it if it just didn’t feel so right. But it does, it feels right.” I snorted at the next thought but managed to not let the bitterness seep in too much. “If anything, it feels late. Like we should have started this years ago.”

“I’ve actually thought that a couple of times. But….” Donovan hesitated, like he was debating on what to say. “Then I think about Emma and Ethan. They’re supposed to be here. I’m glad there isn’t a world without them. And if us having to wait for this was the price of them being in this world, I’m okay with it.”

I couldn’t speak for a minute. My throat closed and my eyes burned. There it was. The essence of him that constantly disproved every time I’d tried to chalk up my feelings for Donovan as nothing more than lust. He was a good man. Good didn’t even begin to cover it. I knew part of the reason he’d stayed in town instead of going off to live his life was due to my children. Proving that his soul was as stunningly beautiful as his body, and reminding me that I’d fallen in love with him, deeply in love with him, years and years ago. There’d been many times as I’d watched Donovan with Emma and Ethan that I’d learned how to be a better father myself. A different kind than my own.

After a bit, I cleared my throat. I started to speak but my words caught, and I had to clear my throat a second time. “I’d like to tell them soon.” I looked into his brown eyes. “About us.”

So many emotions crossed his face and flitted behind his eyes that I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking. “I want you to be sure before we tell them. Totally sure. They can’t be jerked around again.”

I flinched. “What are you talking about? You know I’m sure.”

“I know.” He nodded. “I do. I do know. And like you said, it all feels right, but it’s still a lot of change. And we’re not in San Fran anymore.”

I kissed him. Nearly launched across the bench and kissed him. Hard. He flinched but didn’t jerk away. After a second he kissed me back. And after another second, I broke the kiss and sat back on the bench. “It’s you, Donovan. It will always be you.” He started to look away, and I grabbed his leg, waiting for him to look at me again. “It’s always been you. Even when I tried to make that not be true, it still was.”

A smile played on his lips, but didn’t fully form. He still couldn’t trust it. “I feel the same. But, and I know I’ve said it before, it just seems too good to be true. The more right it seems, the more magical it feels.”

“It’s possible that we’ve both already paid the price required. Don’t you think?”

“Maybe.” He smirked suddenly. “And you just kissed me out in the open. That was pretty much a public announcement for Lavender Shores.”

“I’m fine with that.” I glanced behind Donovan and let out a frustrated breath. The group I had seen before was gone. “Unfortunately, we’re by ourselves.” I looked around, searching, then rolled my eyes. “Are you serious? The one time in this damned town that I actually want people to gossip about me, and there’s nobody here.”

“You want people to gossip about us?”

“Sure. It’ll save us from making announcement after announcement.” I wasn’t even exaggerating. I really would have preferred that over ripping off the Band-Aid slowly. Then I thought of the kids once more. “Although, I guess it’s for the best. As you reminded me, we should probably talk to the kids first.”

Donovan watched me for a little while, and I let him, enjoying his gaze on me. Finally, he smiled again. “I didn’t notice your car, but if you drove, how about we take it back to my house. I can shower, and we can see how loud we can be. Maybe if people hear us through the house walls, that could be an announcement of its own.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” My cock twitched in anticipation. “But how about you skip the shower. I want to taste you sweaty. And I’m serious about having you do some jumping jacks in those itty-bitty shorts.”

He blushed again, the hue contrasting with his salt-and-pepper scruff, and he shifted in his seat. We had to wait another few minutes before Donovan could stand up and face the world in his little running shorts.

I’d just hit the unlock button on my fob when a fancy little sports car pulled up beside us. Beside me, Donovan flinched.

The window rolled down, and Gilbert Bryant stuck his head out the window. “Nice shorts, Doc! Good thing for you I’m a married man now.” He winked. “Actually, that’s probably sad for you.” He looked over, as if just seeing me. “Hey, Spence, how are ya?”

“Good, thanks.”

Luckily, Donovan stepped in, saving me from trying to figure out what to say. He walked toward the car and crouched down, his hands on his thighs. “Hey, Walden, why did you marry this jackass again?”

I hadn’t even noticed Walden in the passenger seat. “You know, Donovan, you’re not the first one to ask me that.” They both chuckled, and Gilbert sputtered with indignation, but he clearly enjoyed the attention.

“So how was the honeymoon, boys? I’ve never been to London.” I was impressed how natural Donovan’s voice sounded. I knew he had to be nervous, especially considering the conversation he and I had just been having.

Walden said something excitedly, but I was too busy watching Gilbert’s expression to really listen. His gaze flicked from Donovan to me, then back to Donovan. I had a feeling he knew exactly what was going on. I wasn’t going to bring that up to Donovan, however. There were few clients, if any, who meant as much to him as Gilbert. And if there was anyone’s opinion that mattered to him outside of Emma’s and Ethan’s, Gilbert would be the one. But I knew enough of Gilbert’s story to trust that he wouldn’t be one to spread it around, or to judge.