I practically skipped into the kitchen. I had taken my wedges off in Jake’s truck because they were hurting my feet and dropped them by the front door as soon I got into the house.

“Damn it, Ellie, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your shoes by the door? I’m constantly tripping over them.”

This was true. My preferred state of being was barefoot, so any time I came into the house my first order of business was to remove my shoes. My last order of business was to take them upstairs to my room.

Thus, a tripping Jake.

Which was not good because I was gearing up here to make my big move, and it wasn’t the best idea to start such a romantic gesture with him cursing at me.

I walked over to my scale—my most favorite gift, outside of the picture of my parents and my horse Petunia, all given to me by Jake—and moved all ten disks to the right side.

Jake huffed out a laugh behind me. “Good day, then.”

“One of the best,” I said although it came out more like bessts because I was a little tipsy.

Liquid courage was no joke. I felt like I could conquer the world right now.

This whole time, I had been so afraid I wasn’t looking at what was right in front of me.

Jake knew me. Better than anyone else alive. He liked me. I knew that because as long as I wasn’t watching what he referred to as girly shows, he hung out with me every night.

Beyond that, Jake cared about me. No one who didn’t could be so completely thoughtful.

Most importantly Jake, I knew for a fact because he said so, liked kissing me enough that he wanted to kiss me again.

We were freaking married! The way I saw it there was nothing wrong with us changing our relationship.

I was leaning against the kitchen island while I watched him pour himself a glass of water.

“Want some?” he said, holding up the Brita container.

“Sure. Except… could you put that down for a second? I… I wanted to talk to you about something.”

He did as I asked and turned to me. There he was. Jake Talley. The hottest guy in Riverbend. Maybe the hottest guy in the county. Maybe all of Montana.

My scale present guy.

My guy.

I walked up to him, put my hands on his waist.

“Ellie what are you…”

Then I did it. I kissed him. It was weird too because it was my first time initiating the kiss. All throughout high school I waited for the guys to make their move. Which now that I think about it probably wasn’t fair. Women expected equal treatment, so it made sense that we should probably initiate the kissing at least fifty percent of the time.

I opened my mouth against his, hoping he would take over. That it would be like last time. Explosive and mind-bending. Like there would never be a time in our lives when we weren’t kissing.

Only he was frozen. So I thought I had to push a little harder. I reached up to cup his cheek and tried to push my tongue against his lips. Then it happened. I could feel his mouth opening, his tongue now in my mouth instead of the other way around. He was pulling me against him and I could feel his hand reach for my ass, pressing my body against his. Hard. Maybe so hard there would be bruises, but I didn’t care, because this was everything like I remembered it.

This was us.

Then the next thing I knew I was falling back against the kitchen island. If he hadn’t reached out to grab my arm, I would have hit it hard.

“I…what…” I couldn’t get out any words because I was feeling so much, but the look on his face…

He was disgusted. I disgusted him.

“What the fuck!”

I flinched because he was loud. As loud as he’d ever been with me.

“I… thought…”

“What?” he barked. “What the fuck did you think? What have we been fucking doing for the last fucking three months?”

“Nothing.”

“Exactly,” he said tightly.

“But… I thought…” Forget that. I wasn’t going to be so stupid to admit I thought he was waiting for my permission to make a move. Instead I asked. “Why do we have to do that?”

His jaw was clenched, that muscle thumping away hard. He glared at me and I think he was actually trying to calm down before he said anything else. Which in a way I was grateful for.

Not going to lie, not a huge fan of having Jake yell at me.

“Because this is temporary. Because we’re getting divorced as soon as we have enough money. Because you’re a goddamn virgin!” He was running his hands through his hair, so exasperated, as if any of that should have made sense. “We are not doing fucking anything. Ever. Do you get that? I told you what I told you after it happened the first time to try and explain why I was so mad at myself. But that was not supposed to be taken as… I don’t know how you took it.”

“I took it to mean you wanted me.”

“I don’t,” he said flatly. “Not you.”

I let out a woosh of breath. Which made sense, because I had this horrible feeling as if I had been stabbed in the center of my chest. I knew this feeling. I had felt like this before. The day we got married. The day I finally understood that my father was lost to me forever.

This felt like that. Hollow and painful on the inside. So bad that you wanted to cut yourself and watch the blood spill out so there would be a visible representation of what you were feeling.

He closed his eyes then and tipped his head back. “Ellie… listen…”

“No. It’s okay. I got it. Let’s just blame it on the wine. Okay? I’m a little tipsy…” I wasn’t any longer. I was stone cold sober. “So yeah, drunk people do stupid stuff all the time. I’m going to get my water and leave.”

I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I just moved around him, took the water he’d poured for himself and ran as fast as I could out of the kitchen, trying not to spill water along the way.

* * *

Yeah, I fucked that up hard. I was about to follow her, to explain myself better. But I still had a fucking hard on, and I thought trying to discuss how complicated this all was when I was still desperate to fuck her wasn’t the best idea.

I crushed her. Eighteen-year-old girl. Virgin. And I crushed her.

I decided to forgo the water for another beer. Maybe after a few more of them I might not see her expression when I told her I didn’t want her.

Of course I wanted her. It wasn’t that. Nothing was that simple. What the hell did she think, that we could mess around, have sex and then get divorced without any emotional complications?

I was going to take her virginity. The first guy she was ever going to have sex with and she wasn’t going to be hurt when I walked away?

No, sex would make whatever ending was coming our way infinitely worse. I knew that. Which meant I had to be the adult. I had to keep the boundaries firmly in place. Only now I knew for a fact that she wanted…

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Every damn day I had to see her. I had to look at her. I had to think about what it would be like. Every time she laughed or made a goofy face and I wanted to kiss her so badly.

But I was in control of my dick. I could fight this. I had been fighting it. I could continue to fight it.

For another three fucking years.

I thought about going to her again. Now that I was calmer. Now that my brain was once again working. Everything I told her about my reasons for not having sex were true, but of course it wouldn’t have made sense to her.

Then I thought maybe this was a good thing. Maybe by hurting her a little now, it would help her to not see me like… that.

Right?

It was a pretty hard shutdown. Actually, too hard. I’d pushed her away, not really thinking what might happen to her. All I could think of was that if I didn’t stop I was going to take her on the damn kitchen floor. It was okay. Nothing happened to her. She was fine. Physically.

A little raw emotionally. Probably her confidence was shaken, but she would get over that in a quick hurry. She was Ellie.

And if she stopped looking at me like I was her personal hero, then maybe that would keep me in check. It wasn’t like I had ever panted after a girl who wasn’t into me.

Yes, this was probably for the best.

She would be pissed at me for a few days, then she’d realize I was right. Then, knowing her, because I told her I didn’t want her, she would move on. We could go back to being how we were. This was all contingent on the fact that she was hurting enough from my words that it wouldn’t have registered with her that I did kiss her back.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

If she stopped looking at me like that, then maybe I would stop wanting to pound the ever loving crap out of her.

What a fucking asshole I was.

I made my way to the living room, sat in my chair, and drank my beer. It did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. Knowing nothing would, I got up and went to bed.

I heard her, of course. Through the door. Even though she was trying to muffle it. Crying because of me.

I remembered when she’d cried for days after Sam died. Always under the covers or into a pillow. I never really understood back then why she had tried to hide it from me. Her father was dead, it was only natural she would cry.

Had she thought I would think less of her? I hoped that wasn’t the reason.

Now, I knew she didn’t want me to hear her because it was a matter of pride.

Yeah, I told myself, this was good. Exactly what I needed to happen. She’d be angry and pissed. A little heartbroken. Then eventually she would get over it.

As long as she didn’t come to hate me. As long as that didn’t happen, we would be okay.

* * *

There was something to be said for physical labor. I was in the barn, hacking away at a bale of hay, thinking what it would be like if I took said pitchfork to Jake’s head.

Okay, maybe that was a little over the top, but I was still super pissed at him. He was pretending to ignore it and mostly we were civil to each other, but after three days I was still not over what had happened.

At this point I was done crying over him. At least I hoped so. But it wasn’t just about the pain of rejection. Sure, my feelings were hurt. Sure, I was sad that what I thought had been changing between us was only changing for me. Those were things I could rationally deal with if I had a semblance of the maturity I claimed to have at my age.

What lingered was the anger.

Because I think, for the first time in my life, Jake lied to me.

“Ellie, I need you,” Jake called from outside the barn.

That would have been nice to hear the other night.

I set the pitchfork aside and made my way out of the barn to where Jake was standing behind Wyatt, facing away from him with Wyatt’s left hind hoof in between Jake’s hands.

“He’s got a rock stuck in his hoof. I have to get it out but he keeps shifting on me, I need you to settle him.”

I walked over to Wyatt, took his reins in my hands, and gently started to stroke his nose. That always calmed him.

“There, there, Wyatt, be a good boy for daddy. You know how upset he gets if he thinks you’re in pain.”

“Don’t talk to my horse like that. You’ll soften him.”

“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath.

Wyatt remained still and a minute later, Jake informed me that he got it out. I dropped the reins and started back for the barn. The less time spent around Jake at this point the better.

“Ellie?”

I stopped but I didn’t turn around.

“What?”

“It’s been a few days. I know you’re upset, but you need to get over it. You’ll see. We’re going to be fine.”

Get. Over. It.

Furious, I turned to him then and I could see it. There in his eyes. This look of pity mixed with his Ellie-doesn’t-know-any-better expression. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to slap him upside his fucking smug face.

I walked toward him with purpose and I could see him get his back up. Ready for whatever attack I might lodge at him.

Only I didn’t have to hit him. I didn’t have to leave a single mark on him. Because I knew the freaking truth. I invaded his space. I wanted him to feel uncomfortable.

“You’re full of shit, Jake Talley,” I said even as I pushed my finger into his chest.

“Ellie…”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare say anything to me right now. I’m talking. First, you were mean to me the other night. Flat out mean and cruel. To me. Your best friend. You could have handled that so differently, but you didn’t. You know why? You were turned on. You think I couldn’t tell? I have a bruise on my freaking ass cheek. So you can tell yourself how I made up this in my head, and how much you don’t want me, but don’t think you can lie to me.”

He said nothing and I didn’t wait. I went back to the barn to finish my chores and let him stew on that.

* * *

Cruel and mean. To my best friend. She was right. I had no comeback, because she was so damn right. She was my best friend and I’d hurt her. Intentionally.

Apparently I had also hurt her physically, but the last thing I wanted to think about was her ass. Still, I couldn’t leave it like this, and it was wrong to think she would simply get over what I did.

She was right. I had lied. It was time to man up.

I followed her into the barn. She didn’t look up from what she was doing.

“Ellie, I’m sorry.”

“Save it,” she snapped.

“Put the fork down and please come talk to me.” I sat on one of the long benches and patted the spot next to me.

She stopped driving the fork into the hay and glared at me. “Aren’t you afraid I might try to ravish you? I hear barn sex is supposed to be smoking hot. All raw and earthy.”

I closed my eyes and struggled for patience. “Please.”

Finally, she relented. She sat, nearly a foot away, crossed her arms over her chest and didn’t look at me.

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said that night. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. And I shouldn’t have been…”

“Mean,” she reminded me.

“Mean. I was taken aback. It took me a few minutes to wrap my head around what you were trying to do, which is something I’ve been trying not to do for months.”

I could see the flare of victory in her eyes when she faced me. “You’re admitting it then. Physically, you are attracted to me.”

I nodded.

“Then what the hell, Jake?” She sounded so exasperated I nearly smiled. If this wasn’t so damn serious I might have.

“Ellie, just because I am doesn’t mean I want to be.”

Victory turned to confusion.

“I don’t understand. We live together. We hang out together. We feel like a real couple. Didn’t you have fun on graduation night?”

“I did. I had fun.”

It was the truth. Being around Ellie was as much fun as I had ever had being with anyone else. Partly because I knew her so well. Because she knew me so well. We had all this shorthand for speaking that it made being around her so easy.

“Then I don’t get it. We like each other. We have fun together. We’re attracted to each other, but I’m not supposed to want anything else or think about anything else?”

“Look, I know all of this is super confusing. Because everything you said is true. But you have to believe me when I tell you if we add sex to that mix, it’s going to be even harder. Because this has to end, Ellie. You and me.”

Her face fell a little at that. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. We went into this as an arrangement. A temporary one. We didn’t really get married. Can you say now you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Only me and that’s it, even though you’ve never had sex with another guy, never seriously dated anyone else?”

She was thoughtful for a moment and I thought that was a good sign. She was actually listening to me.

“You didn’t want to marry me,” she said. “You didn’t plan to spend your life with me either.”

“No,” I said quietly. Truthfully. “I didn’t. I wanted to help you. I succeeded. We succeeded. Circumstances changed, and I’m trying my best to continue on. But if I take your virginity, if we start sleeping together… then it’s like we’ll have this weird marriage in which neither one of us had a choice. Then if one or the other wants to walk away…”

“Ugh! Why do you have to make sex seem so complicated? You banged some chick in Missoula and it wasn’t a big deal.”

Shari? Sherry? Something like that.

“I don’t even remember her name. Yes, sex can be simple and uncomplicated. It wouldn’t be that way between us, because we care about each other. I think you know that. The other night was… intense.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“You think I’m being really immature about this.”

“I hate to remind you, but you are in fact a virgin. I’m not saying you’re a kid, but your sexual experience is nonexistent. You have to take my word about this.”

“And you’re really okay with me losing my virginity to someone else?”

No. No, I wasn’t. “I’m a guy, Ellie. Cut me some slack with that question.”

“Fine.”

“We good?”

“We’re… okay.”

“I’ll take that.” I stood up, then chucked her a little on the shoulder. See, I thought, a couple of buddies. “It’s just a few more years. We’ve got this.”

I left the barn and made my way back to Wyatt and tried not to think about how long three years actually was.

“I’ve got this,” I told myself.

Too bad I didn’t believe me even a little bit.