It might have been because of last night. Because of what I saw, because of what I did. I only knew when I woke up I was pissed. At everyone. Myself, Ellie, even Carol even though she had done nothing to deserve it.

Then I smelled it. Bacon. I turned to my clock and saw that it was early. A few minutes after six a.m. Ellie was never up this early. But she’d gotten up and decided to make bacon?

Last thing she said to me to was fuck you, asshole.

Now she was downstairs making bacon.

I took this as a good sign. I hopped out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I barely brushed my teeth because I wanted to know what this was about. Was this an apology for cursing at me? Was this some grand gesture to ask for my forgiveness for yelling at me so rudely?

Because I didn’t deserve it. The cursing. She didn’t understand the sacrifices I was making for her. She didn’t know what this was costing me. I got that, but it still didn’t give her the right to be a bitch to me.

I skipped down the stairs with a sense of anticipation and when I turned the corner I came up short.

“Hey. Morning,” Carol said with a smile. “You said come early for my ride, so I thought I would surprise you with breakfast. The door was unlocked, so I took that as a sign. Hope you like bacon and eggs.”

Because I had forgotten to lock it last night. Because I had been so angry with Ellie. Then I saw Ellie…

Carol looked adorable. Leggings with a long shirt draped over it, her hair down loose around her shoulders. She wasn’t wearing her riding boots. Probably left them by the door.

Shit. I had completely forgotten about our date.

I stood there like an idiot watching her flip the eggs, put them on a plate and add the bacon to it.

She set the plates down and turned to me. Her head tilted as if she was trying to understand my expression.

“I think you need something a little stronger to wake you up,” she said, coming towards me.

I didn’t move and then she leaned in and kissed me. I was standing there in the kitchen with the smell of bacon and her perfume and suddenly I was furious. Furious that she thought it was okay to kiss me. Furious that I was kissing her back because it felt good. Because I couldn’t have Ellie but I could have Carol.

Because Ellie thought I was an asshole.

I wasn’t an asshole.

She peeled away from me and lifted my t-shirt over my head. I held my arms up and let her. Then I wrapped my arms around her waist. I hauled her up against me, turned her and sat her on the counter, pressing between her legs.

Her hand must have come down to balance herself, and she knocked off the scales, sending them and the disks crashing to the floor.

It was the sound of the disks crashing that broke me out of whatever the hell I was doing.

I pulled away from her and thought about the sound the damn scales had made and looked to the kitchen doorway.

It was too late. Ellie was standing there in the doorway, wearing her kitten pajama bottoms and tank top and a stunned expression on her face.

“I smelled bacon,” she whispered.

I looked around to see what she saw. The two plates on the island. Breakfast. Me, in a pair of jeans only. Carol on the kitchen counter with a swollen mouth.

“Ellie…” I began.

But it was too late.

Her eyes welled up and I watched as the tears just came rolling down her cheeks even as she scrunched up her face in what could be called nothing less than fury.

“You promised!”

“Ellie…”

“You FUCKING PROMISED!”

“I… this isn’t…”

She ran out of the room and I was about to follow her when I realized I still had to deal with Carol. I ran my hand through my hair and looked back at Carol, not really sure what to say.

She was slowly getting off the counter, about to the reach for the scales she’d knocked off.

“No, don’t touch those. I’ll get them.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I thought…you said it was okay that we were doing this.”

“It is. It is okay. We had this rule and she thinks… it doesn’t matter.”

“I think I better go,” she said.

“Yeah, that would be for the best.”

I watched her grab her bag and head out. Heard her stop for her boots and then heard the door close behind her. Once she left I turned and made my way up the stairs.

I knocked on Ellie’s door. “Can I come in and explain?”

“Go away.”

“It wasn’t what it looked like. She came over early for a ride and decided to surprise me with breakfast.”

“Go the fuck away.”

“She didn’t stay the night. I didn’t break any promise. It was just a kiss.”

Which might have gotten out of control. If Carol hadn’t knocked over the scales. If the sound of them crashing hadn’t gotten through to me. Would Ellie have come downstairs to see me screwing Carol on the kitchen counter?

I grabbed my head with both hands and again the fury raged through me. This was not my fault. I was not this guy.

And then it came out. All my anger and rage. All of it spewing up and out. I banged on the door hard.

“You know what Ellie, FUCK YOU! I did this thing FOR YOU! I married you! I kept you out of the foster system. I did that! I kept your ranch running. I kept your legacy alive for you. I put my life on hold FOR YOU! And now I’m trapped in this fucking marriage that I can’t get out of. I can’t touch you. I can’t fuck anyone else. And I’m the bad guy. Always guilty. Always doing something wrong no matter what I do. No matter why I’m doing it. And I fucking hate you for that! Can you hear me behind your locked door, Ellie? I hate you for that!”

* * *

“And I fucking hate you for that! Can you hear me behind your locked door, Ellie? I hate you for that!”

I couldn’t even cry. The breaths were coming so fast.

Jake hated me. Jake hated me. Jake hated me.

Then I couldn’t breathe at all. It was like the day of our wedding. I couldn’t handle what I was feeling inside. I knew it. I was going to faint.

What if I died? What if I died because I couldn’t breathe anymore?

I heard him stomp off. A few seconds later I heard a door slam. He was out of the house. It helped. It helped when he wasn’t shouting at me any anymore. I started to sob, these horrible gut-wrenching deep sobs. A sound I had never heard myself make before.

Eventually I fell back down on to my bed. Eventually I cried myself out. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up my throat was raw, my mouth was dry, and my eyes were nearly swollen shut.

But I knew what I had to do.

The first thing was pack.

* * *

I waited until as late as I could before going back to the house. I walked up the stairs of the porch and inside. It was quiet. Dark. I made my way to the kitchen. The scales were still on the floor, the disks scattered about.

I picked them up, glad to see the scales weren’t broken. I very decidedly put ten of the disks on the left scale.

Because on a scale of one to ten regarding how shitty of a day this was, it was definitely a ten.

I didn’t know what I was going to say to her. How to begin to apologize. For all of it. What I did, what I said.

But I was a man. At least I hoped so. Although I couldn’t imagine Sam or Ernie being too proud of me in this moment. Men owned up to their shit. With a sick feeling in my gut, I made my way upstairs. It was late. She was probably in bed. It occurred to me that the front door wasn’t locked again, but I was not going to bring that up.

“Ellie,” I said as I knocked on her door. “I know it’s late, but we have to talk.”

Nothing.

I knocked louder. “Okay, how about you need to let me grovel at your feet. I’m sorry. So damn sorry.”

Still nothing. I reached for the handle, expecting it to be locked, but it wasn’t, although this time the door was closed. I opened it expecting to see her sleeping, except she wasn’t there at all. It hadn’t even occurred to me when I pulled up that her car wasn’t under the portico. I was too focused on finding the words I was going to say.

I could see her alarm clock from here.

It was after ten.

She could have gone out. She would have been upset. She probably would have wanted to talk to someone. Tell them what an asshole I was.

This time she would be right.

Except usually she was home by ten. My day started at six, but hers didn’t start much later than that.

By ten thirty I was getting nervous.

By eleven I was done waiting. I sat on the couch in the living room, the TV on in the background, and grabbed my phone. Thinking she might not want to talk to me I tried texting.

Hey where are u?

Nothing.

Look, I know u r mad, but it’s late and I’m worried.

I waited for the three dots and clenched my jaw when nothing showed.

I called. It rang five times and then her voice mail clicked in.

Hi this is Ellie. Three reasons I might not be answering, I’m not near my phone, the reception where I am is garbage, or I just don’t want to talk to you right now. Leave a message.

“Ellie, no joke. It’s eleven. I don’t know where you are. Call or text if you don’t want to talk to me. But I need to know you’re safe.”

I waited until eleven thirty before I called again.

Five calls. At least twenty texts.

By midnight I was coming out of my skin. Where would she be? I called Pete’s. He was just closing up, but no he hadn’t seen her there tonight. Where the hell else would she go?

Her friends were still at college. Would she have done that? Left completely?

The nameless boyfriend? Some guy, who I had never met, who was with her and now wasn’t letting her answer her phone? Why wasn’t he letting her answer her phone?

I needed to get a grip. I searched my contacts. At some point over the years I had all her friends’ numbers. I picked Chrissy and paced in front of the fireplace while it rang.

“Jake? It’s like twelve o’clock.”

“Chrissy, listen to me, I don’t know where Ellie is. Is she with you?”

“Uh, no. But you know I’m like at college.”

“Yeah. We had a fight. I thought she might have…”

“No. She’s not here. She hasn’t called either.”

I took a deep breath. “Do you know… was there anyone she was…seeing?”

“Seeing?”

I tried to hang on to my patience. “Dating. Hanging out with. Any guy that you might know of?”

“No. No guy. And she would totally not have held out on me about that.”

“Okay. Thanks. Sorry if I woke you.”

“No problem.”

I disconnected the call and had a serious urge to throw the phone across the room, but I was afraid of breaking the damn thing in case she did call. See, this was bullshit. This was immature eighteen-year-old bullshit. I did not need this kind of drama in my life.

She was pissed off and making me pay, and that was horseshit. I should go to bed and call it a fucking night.

Shit. I was going to have to get Sheriff Barling out of bed.

The phone rang and I let my head fall back on my neck when I saw her name. By the third ring I could answer.

“Where the hell are you?”

“Stop calling my friends. I’m fine. I’m safe. I should have… I didn’t have the ringer on. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“Where are you?”

“You don’t need to know that. I need some time away. We need some time apart. I think.”

“Ellie…I’m sorry…”

“No. You don’t have to apologize. Everything you said was true.”

It was. That was the horrible part about it.

“Come home. I’ll... I’ll move into the bunk house.”

“I will. Eventually. I just want some space for a little bit.”

Her voice sounded so small. So unlike Ellie. I did that to her.

“I don’t know what to say.” That was also true.

“You don’t have to say anything, Jake. It’s okay. I need some time. For a while. But I think I can fix this. Sorry I made you worry. I really didn’t mean to.”

She hung up and I didn’t call her back. She wanted space and I had to respect that.

I closed up the house. I didn’t lock the door in case she changed her mind. I went to bed and I wondered what she meant by fixing this.