Sixteen

Sutton

“Thank y’all for watching Jason,” I said, smiling down at my son, who was deeply engrossed in the television show I’d put on for him before the girls arrived. “I feel like all I’ve done lately is ask you to watch him.”

“Well, one, that’s my job,” Jenny said.

“And, two, we love the little guy. I love that you’re having more of a life again,” Annie told me. “I don’t mind.”

“Me either.”

“I appreciate it nonetheless.” I flipped my head upside down and yanked it into a tight ponytail. Running after a two-year-old never gave me enough time to get ready. “How do I look?”

“Like you’re going to pick out bachelorette party goodies,” Annie said. “I’m so jealous about this. I am all about the penis.”

Jenny shook her head.

“You know what I mean!”

“Oh, we do,” I assured her.

“What about you?” Annie asked accusingly. “Have you gotten any of the D yet?”

I cringed and turned back to the mirror to swipe some mascara onto my sad lashes. “Nope.”

I watched in the mirror as Annie shot Jenny a knowing look. Great. Here it comes. I had dodged a best-friend talk all week by running out the door as soon as Jenny showed up and feigning being tired as soon as I got home. Annie had been so busy at work that I might or might not have been avoiding her calls. I could fake it in a text but not when we were in person.

Where the hell is Morgan anyway? She was supposed to be here already to pick me up to take me shopping. I hadn’t intended to be here a minute longer than necessary.

Really smart. Now, I was avoiding my friends and not just my in-laws.

“Something happen with David?” Annie asked.

“We’re kind of on a hiatus,” I admitted.

“Why?” Jenny said.

“Because I asked him to be.”

“For how long?” Annie asked.

I turned to face them as I said, “Indefinitely.”

“Oh, boy. What happened?” Jenny said.

“I decided I wasn’t ready. I mean, besides me, this has got to be hard on Jason. He knows David, but this is all so new. I shouldn’t have brought David here in a romantic sense until I was sure that this would last. What happens if it doesn’t work out, and then I bring another guy over? It’s just…irresponsible.”

Jenny raised her eyebrows. “You are the last person I would ever call irresponsible.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Annie said with a laugh. “You did have an oops pregnancy, but you are a hundred percent there for Jason for everything.”

“It’s very obvious he’s your number one priority,” Jenny added.

“You would never have started talking to David if you hadn’t already thought through Jason’s feelings. I can’t think this is what you really want.”

I held up my hand. “Y’all, what I want doesn’t really matter. I don’t want Jason to grow up, confused by who I’m dating. I don’t know when and how that would affect him. I can’t plan for that, except to date on the down-low. And, right now, I’m not prepared to move forward with something like that.”

Annie stood and put her hands on her hips. “I get where you’re coming from, but you can’t hole up forever and then blame it on Jason.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” Jenny countered.

“Stop ganging up on me.”

“Stop making us!” Annie said with a laugh. “We care about you and Jason. We want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”

Both Annie and Jenny gave me sad faces, as if I didn’t even know how miserable I really was. As if they were the only ones who saw it and I was oblivious to it.

No, I knew I was lying. I wasn’t happy. I was coasting. I had Jason, and I’d thought that would be enough. But it wasn’t.

Jenny touched Annie’s arm, and she sat back down. “If you think you’re not ready and it’s better for Jason, okay.”

“But you’re not doing this alone. You have us,” Annie told me.

“Thanks, y’all. You’re really the best.”

A knock on the door made all of us jump. But it was Jason who hopped up from the floor and ran to the front door. I followed Jason and cracked it open, and Morgan stood there, smiling.

“Jason!” Morgan scooped him up into her arms.

“Aunt Mor!”

“Oh, I missed you. Look at how big you are.” She kissed him on both cheeks and then set him on his feet.

“Hey, Morgan,” I said.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep. All set.” I turned back to my friends. “A million thanks for this again. You’re the best.”

“Have fun! Buy me a penis or two,” Annie said with a grin.

Morgan and I wore equally disgruntled looks before disappearing from the house. Her Mercedes was parked in my driveway, and we drove easily across town to the local party store.

“I can’t believe I ended up being in charge of this,” Morgan said in disbelief.

“Didn’t you volunteer?”

“Heidi’s an overlord. As the maid of honor, she doles out commands like a drill sergeant. I thought it would be easier to volunteer than to get stuck with something even more horrendous.”

“I should have thought of that. I had to find the strip club.”

Morgan burst into laughter. “Oh…this should be good.”

“You think Heidi wanted an all-guys’ strip club, right? Because there were some gentlemen’s clubs that looked even more fun. But probably dicks in the face, right?”

Morgan couldn’t keep it together as she parked the car. “Man, they really should have thought this through better. Imagine Emery with male strippers in her face. She’s going to kill Heidi for doing this.”

“She should expect it.” I hopped out of the car, and together, we walked into the store. “It’s Heidi after all. I’m more concerned for Kimber.”

“This isn’t the worst thing she’s ever seen Emery do.”

“God, I can’t wait until next weekend.”

“Same.”

We trudged up and down the aisles until we found a giant stash of bachelorette party paraphernalia. Penis popsicles, penis straws, penis headbands, penis confetti, a blow-up doll with a giant protruding penis, a Bride tiara, Team Bride pins, a Bride-to-Be feather boa, and—my favorite—name tags that read Hello, My Name Is Bitch or Hello, My Name Is Slut.

“We’re getting these,” I said, grabbing the name tags. “I want to be the Virgin.”

“You have a kid.”

“So?”

Morgan rolled her eyes. “Let’s get everything. I’m going to bring a whole suitcase full of dicks on the flight to Vegas. I sure hope TSA checks my bags.”

We cleared out the penis aisle, and I wasn’t even embarrassed about it. I thought it was going to be pretty kickass to do Emery’s bachelorette party in Vegas. All of the bridesmaids—Heidi, Kimber, Julia, Morgan, and me—were flying out for the trip, and Heidi had planned almost everything.

I hadn’t gotten to have a real bachelorette party before I married Mav. I’d been knocked up, and I hadn’t even been able to drink at my own reception. That part had totally sucked. Everything else had been great.

Morgan grabbed a giant lifelike penis water bottle in her hand. “Do we need this?”

I snorted and pulled my camera out. “Hold still. Let me get a good shot.”

Morgan promptly pretended to deep-throat the water bottle. And I was laughing so hard that I almost fell over, which started our laughter up all again.

“Okay, okay. For real,” Morgan said, trying to regain her composure. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“While you’re holding that penis?”

She glanced at it and then back at me. “Yeah.”

“Should I be taking you seriously?”

“I have a really mopey David at work.”

My smile slipped off my face. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. I’m not meaning to be in your business. I get that you’ve had a horrible year, and you’ve changed a lot. You’re not the same person you were before Mav…you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Dating again isn’t going to be easy. I wouldn’t expect it to. I don’t know what I would do if Patrick…” Her throat closed up, and she looked like she’d be sick at the very thought.

I didn’t blame her for that reaction.

I still got like that when I thought about Mav.

Except I’d thought we were invincible. Just like superheroes. But we weren’t. We were regular people. One who had died and one who had died on the inside.

“I know what you’re saying,” I told her.

“Just talk to him, okay?”

“I can’t talk to him.”

Morgan pointed the penis cup at me. “I know you need your space. I’m sure having feelings for him was all new and scary again. Plus, I can totally understand your fear about Jason, but just hear David out.”

“Morgan—”

“Just hear him out,” she repeated. She dropped her arm. “He would never want to hurt you or Jason.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“If you know, then what?”

I helplessly shrugged my shoulders. “There’s this fear that builds inside me when I consider dating again. When I think of what Jason will think in a year, two years, ten years. Will he resent me for bringing men into his life? Will he be as messed up as I am without one of his parents?”

“Sutton,” Morgan said with a sigh. “You’re not messed up because of Mom. You’re messed up because Dad was a raving alcoholic, and you were raised by us. And we were just kids. It’s not going to be like that for Jason because he has you.”

“You’re right,” I said, sniffling and hating myself for getting teared up once again. “I just worry. And dating complicates everything.”

“It does. But David is one of the good ones. I consider him a friend, and I don’t make those easily. He’s been here a year, and I can’t shake the guy.”

I laughed over a hiccup.

She pointed the penis at me again. “Just talk to him.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to him, but…put that penis down.”

Morgan laughed and dropped the penis cup into our cart. “My work here is done.”

“It might not be today…or tomorrow,” I told her.

“When you’re ready, Sut. Whenever you’re ready.”

I nodded along, but I really didn’t know when that would be. Everyone made it seem like it would be so easy to pick back up where I’d left off. And I wanted it to be. But I couldn’t seem to get my feet under me. I kept tripping over myself and face-planting.

I wished Maverick were here to tell me what to do. But I knew he’d never be here again. And it hardly made sense to want to talk to him about dating someone else, but I did. I missed having my best friend around. I missed the father of my child. I missed it being so easy to just breathe. To feel. To love.