Evelyn
I was sure I was losing my mind.
“You did what?”
“I had an affair with Derek.” She smiled, sighing, and then letting out a small laugh. “It was just supposed to be one night…but days passed, weeks passed, and we kept it going.”
“All that time you judged me for sleeping with Nathan, and yet you cheated first.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Does Nathan know about this?”
“He found us in bed together, so yeah, I think he knows. I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you. Nathan always did everything to protect you.”
“No wonder he hates Derek,” I muttered.
Hannah laughed. “Oh, Evie, that is most definitely not the reason why Nathan hates Derek. Nathan never got angry for me having an affair. In fact, he encouraged it.”
My eyes widened in shock. I was more confused than ever; it was all far more complicated than I anticipated.
She shrugged, her gaze softening at my state of confusion. “He saw I was happy, Evie. Nathan understood my mom would lose it if she found out about the affair, and he believed I deserved a chance at happiness, so he let me have it. He always knew our relationship would never work, so he didn’t mind.”
“This is a mess,” I groaned, placing my face in my hands.
“It’s not a mess. Nathan and I never loved each other, Evelyn. There was no reason for him to care about me being with anyone else. He’s a good man who wanted that relationship for me because I was happy.”
Realization soon set in. Hannah had never talked that way about anyone at all. But the way she spoke, the way she remembered her relationship with Derek, revealed everything I needed to know.
“You loved him,” I stated softly.
Her lips tilted up. “I was free with him. The chains that held me down all my life disappeared with him. I could fly. All my life, I tried to please Mom, did what she wanted, but when I met Derek, I got a glimpse of the woman I could be.”
“What happened?”
Hannah extended her hands, and this time I didn’t refuse the contact. “He wanted me to divorce Nathan, but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. I was already going against Mom’s wishes, and the thought of disappointing Mom was not something I wanted to do. One day, it all blew over, and Derek and I got in a very bad argument that Nathan walked into. He didn’t know that it was my fault, so he got angry and forced Derek to leave.”
“That bad?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
Hannah nodded. “Derek was very upset, rightfully so, but when Nathan walked in, he was afraid things would get violent, so he kicked him out. Never liked him again. And I…I was a mess.” She scoffed, her eyes glistening with tears. “Nathan was there for me, but I didn’t try to explain anything to him; I knew he’d say divorce was the best option, and I wasn’t willing to do it. A few days after, I went to Derek’s apartment to try to talk to him, and he refused, saying that if I wasn’t willing to start fresh with him, he didn’t want to be with me anymore.” Her voice broke as she wiped away a tear. “I begged him, Evie. He’s the only person I’ve ever begged in my life, but it wasn’t enough. It was my fault, and I know that, but it hurt. It hurt so much.”
“I don’t understand why if you loved him you would give that up for Mom’s wishes,” I murmured, squeezing her hand. I could see her brokenness now, more than ever before.
“I got so angry I screwed with the marketing of his restaurant chain,” she admitted with remorse. “With people of our reputation badmouthing his restaurant, he never stood a chance. He lost so many clients until eventually he had to file for bankruptcy.”
“That’s a horrible thing to do,” I said. It shouldn’t have surprised me; Nathan warned me about the things Hannah did, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how she’d been capable of hurting someone she had “loved.”
“I know, and I regret it so much, Evie. He came from a bad family. Derek had been through a lot.”
“Then why put him through more?” I asked, not comprehending.
“I wish someone was here with you,” Hannah sighed, trying to hold back tears. “Derek had a rough childhood. I remember he used to have nightmares sometimes, like some type of PTSD. He had an older brother, I think, but there was quite an age difference between them, so Derek lived by himself with his parents, until he was six and his mom got pregnant.”
“What happened after that?”
“Nothing. He always said he didn’t remember much about it because his mom gained so little weight, never mentioned the pregnancy, but he remembered clearly that the baby spent a few days at home before she disappeared. He said he remembered walking one cold morning to a fire station with his mom, that the baby was crying, but his mom was desperate to get high and left the baby there.”
My hand went to my belly, wondering how a mother could do that to her child. I didn’t think I could ever have the heart to abandon my baby, no matter the circumstances.
I had questions, but unexpectedly, Hannah changed the subject. “Our mom always wanted a kid after I was born.” I tilted my head in question at the statement. “But there were issues when I was born, and having another child became too risky, so they never conceived again.”
My heart thudded in my chest.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I whispered, moving my hand away from hers.
Hannah wiped away a tear. “I vaguely remember because I was five or so, but I remember Grandma telling Mom adopting was an option. Ironically, that morning, a one-week-old newborn was left at a fire station. Due to safe haven laws, the mother wasn’t prosecuted. Nana told my mom it was a good opportunity to adopt the baby, and they went to learn more about the process. Nana fell in love with the little girl from the moment she saw her.”
“I don’t understand.”
I refused to understand.
Hannah swallowed. “Yes, you do.”
I let out a shaky breath, my hands trembling with emotion. All my beliefs, all my life was starting to crumble before my eyes, and trying to hold it together wouldn’t work.
“You’re lying.”
“It was a crazy few days,” Hannah murmured. “Then the days became months, years…but Mom never was the same. Her relationship with the baby never improved. Dad was miserable and felt guilty. So they both buried themselves in work, never confronted the situation at home. Then I grew up feeling guilty, too, because giving birth to me took away Mom’s dreams of having a big family, so I did everything to please her, things I shouldn’t have. I turned into her.”
I stared blankly at Hannah, still trying to process everything she was telling me. I kept telling myself it was a nightmare, that it wasn’t true. It had to be another one of her lies, another plan of hers to hurt me, but deep in my heart I knew. Deep in my heart, it all made sense to me. That didn’t stop the pain from snowballing, the years of rejection, years of lies, years of remaining in the dark.
“After a while, I put two and two together. I talked to Derek one last time to confirm the day that his little sister was born, moved some money around to find out about your birth parents, and confirmed what I already knew…you’re Derek Hensley’s little sister.”
I sobbed, placing my trembling hands over my face, wanting so desperately to disappear.
“I’m an unwanted child all around, aren’t I?” I choked out, unable to keep the question inside any longer. “No one ever wanted me.”
Doing something she’d never done before, Hannah ignored the guards in the visitation area, ignored the other visitors and people around us, and hugged me. I cried into her shoulder, all the emotions taking control of me.
“That’s not true,” she whispered. “Mom didn’t know how to deal, Dad was always clueless, and I’ve always been a mess, Evie. But Nana always wanted you. Nana loved you very much.”
“She was just…” I took in a ragged breath, trying to find strength to speak again. “She probably felt…sorry for me.”
“No, she loved you. Always did. You were her favorite,” Hannah soothed. “I don’t want to hurt you. I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but if I do anything right in this life, it has to be telling you the truth,” she comforted. “You deserve that.”
Sure, the truth had set Hannah free, but desolation now held me captive.
“Does Derek know?” I asked her between sobs.
“I think he just recently found out a few weeks ago.”
“He said he wanted to hurt me,” I whispered. “Why?”
“He knew I had a younger sister, but he didn’t know who you were. I was able to get word out to him about who you were in the hopes it would change his plans but—”
“How do you know all this?” I asked, raising my face to see her. She was crying too.
“Word gets around from prison to prison,” she replied. “An inmate heard about you being on someone’s list, but we haven’t figured out whose it is.”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, my gaze lowering. There was a question I was desperate to ask, an answer that would break me. I needed to know.
“Is this why you never loved me?” The answer scared me. Any attempt to hide my pain was futile, especially with the vulnerability that coated each one of my words.
Hannah placed her hands over mine. “Look at me, Evie.” Reluctantly, I met her eyes, hoping to be able to keep it together. All strength drifted away when I saw her crying, openly now. “I always envied you.”
“Why?”
“You’ve always been so headstrong.” She smiled. “So brave. Never cared about what anyone thought about you. Courageous. You never gave up and were always happy despite the way our family was. I was never able to do that, and I was a horrible sister, I know it, but I always admired your freedom. You are everything I wish I could have been.”
“Then why did you hurt me so much?”
“I was a coward,” Hannah replied. “I was stupid and selfish, reckless.”
“I always…I always wanted you to be my big sister.” I’d finally said the words I longed to say out loud most of my life.
I’d always wanted a family.
Always wanted unity.
Love.
But I would have settled for my sister’s love.
I never had it.
Always wished for it.
It never came.
“Mom didn’t care for me, so I wanted you to say happy birthday to me…or Merry Christmas. I wanted someone to care. No one was there for me, and Nana probably pitied me and—”
“Stop saying that,” Hannah said sternly. The conviction in her voice made me shut up. “Nana adored you, Evelyn. She loved you with all her heart. Mom and I, we deserve your anger but not her. She was the one person that was always sincere with you.”
“She never told me,” I cried, shaking my head. “No one ever told me the truth. The one thing I wanted, the one thing I needed, was taken from me.”
“She didn’t have to tell you because she was your grandmother. She loved and cared for you, so there was no reason for her to tell you otherwise.”
I rolled my eyes. “Nathan always thought I had feelings for Derek, and I did but could never explain it…God, this is all such a mess.”
“He’ll understand,” Hannah said. “He loves you. He’ll understand. You need to talk to Derek and—”
Another pang of pain.
Another blow.
I’m going to go crazy.
“I can’t,” I whispered, failing at keeping my composure once again. “He’s been badly hurt. He’s in a coma.”
The person in front of me transformed. Hannah had been crying, but as the words left my lips, all color drained from her face; her eyes turned from hurt to completely and utterly despaired. “What?”
“He’s unconscious. Whoever placed the ‘hit’ on me hurt him when they found out he wasn’t going to follow through.”
Biting her lip, Hannah tried to hold back a pained whimper.
A long moment of silence surrounded us, one that was heavy with sorrow, heartbreak. Our lives were cursed from the start. It was too late to fix it now. We were strangers to each other, and the hurt, it was too strong. Too much.
“I’m sorry.”
My head snapped in Hannah’s direction, eyes wide with surprise.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated once again. Her hand went up to my face, wiping away a tear. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, for everything I did. I hope you can forgive me one day, although if you don’t, I’ll understand. Tell Nathan I’m sorry too. And if Derek wakes up, you tell him that I’ll always regret hurting him, but he has his little sister back. It’s his job to take care of you now, and I know he’ll do that job just fine.”
No.
Why is she saying this?
“Are you saying goodbye to me?”
With a sad smile, she replied, “I’m saying what I need to say, Evie.” She caressed my cheek gently before looking up at the guard, who seemed to be silently saying our meeting needed to end. I wanted to refuse, wanted to protest, but was completely silent as I memorized the way she looked at me tenderly…lovingly…like she cared. “I’m very, very proud of you. You are a woman to admire, and I’ll always be grateful of having you as my sister.”
I wanted to say something, anything, but the words disappeared as she stood up and took a step back.
“Get home safely and take care of that baby, okay?”
She turned around, and finally my instinct kicked in. I stood, taking hold of her arm before she left. Her eyebrows rose in surprise, and I tried my best to get the three words out that I needed her to hear, especially after what she’d told me.
“I forgive you.”
Her lip quivered, and as the guard took her hands and cuffed them again, she mouthed a “thank you,” my eyes following behind her as she walked away.