CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Tawny’s is the first face I see when I walk into the ICU waiting room. The place is empty today except for Tawny and Vicki. Giving her a hug, my eyes go to her mother, remembering the venom Pierce’s voice held for her. You don’t hate someone like that without reason.
“Have you seen Annie?” I ask Tawny.
“No, can’t get my brother out of the room,” Tawny replies.
“Apparently, he’s not making any friends with the nurses,” Vicki says. “Refusing to leave her side.”
“They’ve been close like that for a long time?” I ask.
“As close as two people can be,” Vicki says, smiling.
“I used to make them pretend they were married and play house with me,” Tawny says, laughing. “They hated that.”
I reach into my purse and hand her some money. “I doubt your brother’s eaten anything. Could you go down to the cafeteria and get something for him?”
“Sure,” she says.
Vicki and I both give her a smile, our eyes glued to one other. I’ve got a mind of my own, and I don’t want to dislike someone just because Pierce does, but something about the way she’s looking at me lets me know she’s not my friend.
Taking a few steps toward her, I ask, “This is all so shocking. Did you have any idea Annie was using drugs?”
“She always was a wild one,” Vicki says, her fingers combing through her bleach blonde hair. “We worried she’d be a bad influence on Pierce when they were younger.”
“She never got him into trouble, did she?”
“You should ask him about that,” she says.
Does being vague just run in this family? “I’m asking you.”
Her eyes narrow a tad. “Did you know Annie was sent away when they were teenagers?”
I can only think of three reasons you send your daughter away. Either they need drug treatment, mental health treatment, or they’ve gotten pregnant. I don’t bother to ask which was the cause for Annie because I know she won’t tell me.
“How old was Annie when that happened?” I ask.
Vicki shakes her head. “I don’t know, maybe fifteen.”
I step away, my mind spinning, pieces to the puzzle coming together in my head. The strange connection Tawny seemed to have with Annie.
The first time I met Annie, Tawny, and Pierce was the night of Tawny’s performance. Annie was cheering louder than anyone. Her head leaned on Pierce’s shoulder like proud parents watching their child. Why didn’t I see it before?
Annie flew all the way to New York to see her. You don’t just do that for anyone. I have to be wrong! Tawny definitely has Pierce’s blue eyes, and she’s a blonde just like Annie.
Taking a deep breath, I do some quick calculations. Annie’s thirty now. Tawny’s fifteen. The math works. Hell, no—it can’t be!
But the pieces line up. I shake my head a little. I tell myself again that it can’t be. Clearly, I’ve seen too many soap operas. But still, maybe! My hand finds my belly, feeling like I’m about to be sick.
“You alright?” Vicki asks, motioning for me to sit.
If I don’t want to pass out again, I know I better. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little light-headed.”
Her head tilts to the side. “Should I get Pierce for you?”
“I don’t want to bother him,” I say and decide to take a risk. Something I know Pierce will hate. I lean over a little and whisper, “We just found out I’m pregnant.”
Her eyes wide, she says, “That is news.”
“I know, it just sort of happened. We’re both so excited.”
“Congratulations, you’re very lucky,” Vicki says.
“Thank you,” I say. “Did you ever think about having more kids?”
“Pierce’s dad and I struggled with fertility issues, so another child wasn’t in the cards for us.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You must’ve been thrilled when Tawny was born.”
“Tawny is a blessing, for sure,” she says.
“Do you mind if I ask, how did you finally conceive? Did you take fertility treatments, or did it finally just happen on its own?”
“Why do you want to know?” she asks.
“Just curious,” I say, shrugging. “Tawny and Pierce are so much alike. I hope this baby gets their beautiful blue eyes.”
“Since you and he both have blue eyes, I’d think your baby will,” she says.
“Sutton?” Pierce’s concerned voice calls out, his eyes darting between Vicki and me. God, he looks tired. His hair’s messy, his clothes wrinkled, his eyes heavy with sleeplessness.
“I hear congratulations are in order,” Vicki says.
He captures my hand, pulling me to his side. “I couldn’t keep Tawny away from you, but you will never see this baby,” he rages.
“Pierce!” I cry. He seldom loses his cool. It’s got to be stress and lack of sleep.
“Annie doesn’t want you here, Vicki.”
“Did she say that?” Vicki asks. “Did she wake up?”
“Get out,” he says.
Vicki glances at me then walks out without another look at Pierce. He moves to hold me, but I step back. I’m not sure if it’s my pregnant hormones making my mind go crazy, but I have questions that need answers. I just come right out and ask him: “Have you and Annie ever been involved?”
Pierce is a direct man. He’s steady in his answers, his actions, in everything he does, but I see him hesitate a moment, waiver, like he’s searching for the truth. “Where’s this coming from? Did Vicki say . . .”
“Why was Annie sent away?” I ask.
“I need you to understand . . .”
“I don’t understand,” I cry out. “I have these crazy theories flying around in my head.”
“Tell me,” he says, his voice gentle, holding his arms out, encouraging me to sit.
I sit before taking a deep breath and looking straight into his eyes. “Tawny isn’t your sister, is she? She’s your daughter. You and Annie’s daughter. You have the same eye color. And I know something happened. Annie was sent away. Is that because she was pregnant? Did Vicki and your dad agree to keep the baby and raise her as their own? Is that what happened? Is that why you hate Vicki? Is that why Annie stays so close to Tawny? Is that why you got a vasectomy? Because you didn’t want anything like that to happen again?”
His hands fall, and I see the same uncertain look in his eyes. I want answers, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready for them. If I’m right and Tawny is his daughter, can I accept that? It was years ago, way before I met Pierce. Will it matter? Will it change things? As much as it scares me, I have to know the truth.
“Answer me! Did you ever have sex with Annie?”
“Now is not the time.”
“Am I right?” I ask. “If I was wrong, you’d say so.”
“Sutton, if you keep this up, you’re going to blow up a lot of lives, including Tawny’s. I will not let that happen,” he says firmly.
“I have a right to know if this baby isn’t your first.”
He kneels, lowering his head into my lap. That one simple gesture makes my heart soften. The man I love is hurting. My instinct, right or wrong, is to comfort him. Hesitantly, I caress his dark hair. His arms tighten around my waist as his lips lightly kiss my belly. “I love you,” he whispers to my stomach, then his eyes turn up to me, and the only word he says is, “Please.”
“That’s not fair,” I say.
“I know it’s not,” he says. “But for now, can you just let me love you, love our baby?”
“I know you didn’t want this,” I say, motioning to my belly.
“I didn’t know I wanted you, either. Until I did.” His head tilts, a little smile on his lips. “I didn’t know how good dinners in the bathtub were until you showed me. I didn’t know that sex was better when you love the person until I loved you. I didn’t know the kind of man I wanted to be until I found the woman I wanted to be better for. So you’re right. I didn’t want this. But now I do. I want this more than anything.”
Being with Pierce is like having your soul ripped out. He accepts nothing less than your entire heart and soul and if you don’t freely give it, he takes it. He’s a man that’s used to getting what he wants. But not this time, at least not until I get some answers.
“I’m going to see Annie,” I say, turning away from him and heading for the door.
“Damn it,” he mumbles, rushing to catch up with me.
Ignoring his pleas that I wait, I get my visitor pass and march to Annie’s room with Pierce following me, ignoring the rules that allow only one visitor at a time.
I slide open the door, seeing her pale skin, all the machines, the lines going into her. Suddenly, I don’t want to be in here—I don’t know what I was thinking coming in here. Now is not the time for this. I try to settle myself with a few deep breaths. Pierce takes his place next to her bedside.
“She used drugs when we were kids. I didn’t realize she was using again.”
“It’s not your fault,” I say.
He looks up at me. “That’s why she was sent away.”
“So you never slept with her?” I ask.
“Just the once,” Annie mumbles. “That’s our story. Just the once.”
I’m not sure what’s more shocking—that she spoke or what she said. It does something to a woman to be in the same room with a woman you know the man you love has slept with. It shouldn’t, but it does. I start crying even though my brain is telling my heart that it’s being stupid.
Stupid heart.
I look up at Pierce, now standing in front of me. “Annie’s in and out. You don’t understand.”
“This hurts.”
“I never wanted to hurt you,” he says.
“Is Tawny your daughter?” I cry.
But it’s not him that answers. It’s the machines all around the room—the loud, steady beep of death calling.
“Annie!” Pierce yells.
He grabs her and starts to shake her lifeless body, pleading with her to come back. Quickly, he’s brushed aside as nurses and other medical staff enter the room. They usher me out, but Pierce refuses to budge. I stand on the other side of the glass, frozen. Everyone is rushing all around me, but I’m perfectly still.
That’s how death comes—stillness.
I watch as the doctors and nurses try to revive Annie. They work on her for several minutes. Charging the paddles, her body jerking. I see their mouths moving in pleas for her to breathe, but the only thing I hear is the man I love being ripped in two as he watches the other woman he loves die.
I’ve seen people cry. I’ve heard sniffles and wails, but never have I seen the heart cry, not until this moment. And that’s the only way to describe what is happening right now. His heart is crying, as if a piece of him has died, as if his center, his core, has been broken in two. It’s not just the heart breaking or shattering. It’s the heart refusing to let go, holding on so tightly it screams out in agony.
There is nothing quite like seeing a man cry. It does something to me as a woman. It doesn’t make me think less of them. In fact, it makes me think more of them. And in this moment, watching Pierce in the raw, I’m witness to the way the man loves. I’ve experienced the way he loves with his body, his mouth, his penis. I’ve experienced him saying the words to me. But now I’m witness to what love really means to him.