Ava
When I come around, all I want to do is crawl back under, but the throb in my hand won’t let me. Then the memories come back, of the things he did, the things he said. My mind wants to crack, but I won’t let it. My stomach wants to hurl, but there’s nothing left to come back up.
I peel my eyes open and see grey walls. I think I’m back in my room at first, but there’s something different. Something unfamiliar. I blink, over and over, trying to adjust to the dim light. When things start to come into focus, I realize I’m not in my room. I’m someplace else. Someplace dank.
It takes me a minute, but I manage to sit up, and notice my hand is wrapped with an ace bandage, poorly, like a child did it. Beneath me is a stained twin mattress that lies on a dirty cement floor, with bits of trash scattered about, including dozens of empty Roman Meal bags. I look around, trying to focus through the shadows, and see wood framing, a set of stairs, an old water heater and a furnace, and I know I’m in a basement. But it’s not new like the rest of the house, it’s old.
Off to the side I see a door, open to a bathroom. In a far corner is a workout bench, with weights scattered all around it. Hanging on some nails in the framing are clothes. Clothes I recognize as Shayne’s clothes. In the middle of the room are more clothes, piled up on the floor in a big heap. But they’re not men’s clothes, they’re women’s clothes, all mixed in with shoes and a big open box with jewelry spilling out. Things that were all in a room once. A room he made just for me, in a house he made for me too. The guilt floods me and I look away. That’s when I see the two television screens in the nearby corner. On one screen is a live feed to my room, that sits empty and quiet, the other is to my closet, that sits dark and greenish, from what must be a night vision camera.
“Was wonderin’ when you’d come ‘round.”
I freeze, hearing the beast’s drunken voice, but not knowing where he is. My gaze darts around the room, still trying to adjust to the shadows. Then I see him, across from me, sitting deep in the darkness. He’s on the floor, under the stairs, with his back against the wall and his legs laid out in front of him, barefoot now. From the way the light hits him, I can see his shirt is open, revealing his ripped torso and some of the tattoo beneath, and he has the Jim Beam bottle in one hand, and something else in the other hand. I squint to make it out, then something in me goes real still. It’s a pistol, resting against his thigh.
Careful.
Be so careful.
I back up slowly, as far as I can go into the corner, and huddle there, holding my hand to my chest.
The beast smiles, his white teeth flashing through the black. “Whas wrong, Ava? You ‘fraid of m’ little friend here?” He waves the pistol around, sets it back on his thigh and takes a swig from the bottle.
I look around quickly, feeling like a rabbit caught in a wolf’s lair—a wounded wolf’s lair. At the top of the stairs, the door is closed. I wonder if it’s locked. There’s no other way out.
“You have no idea, d’ you?” he asks.
So dangerous. So dangerous when the beast is this drunk. But I don’t have a porch to hide under. I have no hills to run to. There’s nowhere to hide.
“Nah. You and th’ whole town…no fuckin’ clue.”
I huddle tight, my eyes carefully on the beast now, his words not making any sense.
“D’ you rememer my brother Sean? Probly not. You were t’ young then. Looked kinda like me.” He chuckles. “Wull, not now, bu’ before.” The bottle goes to his lips again, and back to the floor with a clank. “They said was ‘n accident, playin’ with daddy’s guns, bu’ it wasn’” He shakes his head and points to a far corner of the room with the pistol. “Happened right over there. Saw th’ whole thing. I was eight, I think, and he musta been ’bout thirteen. He’d gone an’ snuck our daddy’s pistol.” He waves the gun in the air. “This ‘xact one. An’ I tol’ him he’d find out. That we’d get beat for it or worse, but he didn’ care. He jus’ sat back on his mattress, put it t’ his head an’ said, ‘If you’re smart, you’ll pick up th’ gun after me an’ do th’ same. Then…” Shayne puts the gun to his head. “Powww!” I jump, watching him pull the gun from his head, like it went off. “Brains an’ blood all o’er the place.” He chuckles. “My daddy made me clean it up too.”
He gets quiet and a sick realization settles into my gut. A realization that things were going on up here that no one knew about.
“But I wasn’ smart, Ava,” he says, shaking his head. “I didn’ have the balls t’ do it. I jus kep’ lettin’ him do those things t’ me. Least I didn’ have to fight my brother no more though. He’d make us do that see? He’d even make us touch each other. Do things like that. Fact, wasn’ too long after firs’ time he made Sean get on an’ get inside me, that Sean got th’ gun.”
Shayne puts the bottle to his mouth and takes a long drink, the shadows playing along his face. He sets it down and chuckles. “That didn’ stop m’ daddy though. I was all his after that. An’ he was smart. Knew how t’ keep things lookin’ normal. He’d play th’ big man in town. Smile. Help people out. Had me wearin’ long sleeve shirts t’ school when I had bruises. Threatenin’ that if I said anythin’, he’d kill me, make it like an accident like Sean. Said no one’d believe me anyways. An’ he liked it when I got in t’ fights. Thought it made m’ looked strong, which was better than weak. Cause people mighta noticed weak. And my momma…” Shayne snorts. “My momma jus’ acted like nothin’ wrong was ever happenin’ down here. She’d just go t’ church and try to pray it ’way. She’d say daddy had th’ devil in him and couldn’ help hisself, so we had t’ help him. Let him do what th’ devil needed. That worked for her see, cause if he got his way wi’ me, and Sean when he was ’round, she was safe, and she got t’ live on th’ big ranch, and be th’ wife of th’ big man in town. Cause he didn’t do those things t’ her. Jus’ us boys. Jus’ me.”
He lets go of the bottle and grabs one of the Roman Meal bags. “This is what I lived on mos’ days, stuck down here when I wasn’ workin’ th’ ranch, an’ things like rolls o’ salami, ‘cause I was growin’ back then, and they didn’ want me lookin’ too sickly. Sometimes I’d even get t’ eat with ’em, when daddy had th’ light goin’ on in him.” He chuckles. “That’s what my momma used t’ call it. Th’ light.” He lets the bag go, and cradles the pistol in his hands, looking down at it. “I hung on fo’ a few years after that, bu’ I was gettin’ to think, maybe Sean had th’ right idea. I was close. So close. Then you know wha’ happened?” He’s staring at me now, his black eyes looking lost in the shadows. “You threw tha’ rock at me. Here you were, this tiny li’l thing, with your worl’ crumblin’ down ‘round you, cause o’ your messed up parents, and you were jus’ tearin’ me up wi’ those rocks, not carin’ I was big enough t’ stomp all o’er you. And all for some scrawny cat you didn’ even know. Hell, it’d a probly bit you if you’d tried t’ pet it. Well, I tell you what. I was in love, Ava. And I figured if you were strong enough t’ keep goin’, then maybe I was too. So I kep’ goin’, Ava. Kep’ lettin’ my daddy have his way, knowin’ I couldn’ say nothin’ to no one, cause if they did believe me, they’d a taken me away from here…away from you.”
The words hang there, ripping me to pieces, one by one. I can barely see him anymore, for the blur of tears building in my eyes.
“Then once I got a li’l older, I got smarter, see. An’ I got my daddy on video with m’ cell phone.” He chuckles. “Boy, he wasn’ too happy ‘bout it, let m’ tell you what. Specially as he’d given me th’ phone so he could get hold of me when I was out ridin’ the ranch. I stood up t’ him and said I’d given Red a sealed letter wi’ the li’l memory card inside, and that if anythin’ happened t’ me, that he should take it t’ the police one town o’er. Not Carson, cause I knew he’d side with m’ daddy. And good ol’ Red. He knew. He knew, but didn’ question or nothin’. Jus’ took it and hung on to it. And I knew m’ daddy would be too careful t’ do anythin’ t’ Red.” He takes in a long breath and slowly lets it out. “So I purty much got wha’ I wanted from ’en on. Moved down t’ the quarters in th’ barn. Got that truck when I turned sixteen. Figured all I needed t’ do then was get you t’ fall in love wi’ me.”
He laughs and throws his head back. “Awww, Ava, bu’ I had no idea how t’ do that, I was so messed up. Th’ only way I could e’er get your attention was t’ make you mad. An’ my idea o’ romance was killin’ that guy for you. An’ I wanted t’ tell you so bad what I’d done, cause I knew how scared you had t’ be, makin’ that walk t’ the bus stop, thinkin’ tha’ guy was still out there. Bu’ I couldn’ tell you, cause that’d jus’ scared you off me ev’n more. Cause you’d already seen all those things I’d done growin’ up. Hurtin’ animals, fightin’, losing it on anyone that s’ much as looked at me wrong, feelin’ like the devil was growin’ inside me, just like m’ daddy, and feelin’ helpless to do anythin’ ‘bout it. Specially that time I let loose on tha’ kid, Billy. I knew tha’ spooked you real good. An’ the thing was, it wasn’ so much that he’d put his arm ‘round you, it was more tha’ I couldn’ stand you bein’ close to any boys cuz I was worried you’d fall in love wi’ them before I had my chance. Then you said all those things ‘bout runnin’ off and not lettin’ me have you, and everythin’ jus went red, and I used whate’er I could to make sure you’d stick to th’ deal. An’ I knew how much you loved those horses. Then I know it didn’ help th’ way you thought of me either when m’ parents died in that crash, an’ everyone thought it was me. Wasn’ much I could do about it, bu’ let you all think tha’ e’en though it wasn’. Guess I figured it was somethin’ I shoulda done anyway. But I had jus turned eighteen an’ I was already plannin’ to force him t’ give me the ranch an’ most of what he had an’ leave, when it all happened. Who knows, th’ bastard probly drove th’ car right off tha’ cliff on purpose, knowin’ everyone would probly blame me. He wa’ sick like that, you know? But, hey, that lef me wi’ everything. Everythin bu’ you.”
Shayne looks at the bottle, like he forgot he was holding it, and chugs back some more. “Then I waited, an’ waited, getting so damn crazy cause you didn’ want nothin’ t’ do wi’ me cuz you knew what a piece o’ shit I was. Then that day came, when you were in trouble an’ I knew I had you. Figured by tha’ point, I’d get you any way I could, even if I had t’ corner you into it. Then I waited, an’ waited some more, for your ol’ man to shove off, an’ I built all that…” he waves the gun towards the ceiling. “Got you that li’l grey horse. An’ I kept waitin’, and waitin’, all th’ while stayin’ down here, cuz I couldn’ bring myself to stay up there wi’ out you, and e’ery second, all day, e’ery day, all I could think ‘bout was gettin’ inside you that firs’ time.” His head falls back to the wall with a thud and he rocks it back and forth. “Oh, Ava. When I walked in t’ your house that day, you might as wella cut m’ heart out from m’ chest and laid it on th’ floor and stomped all o’er it till there was nothin’ left but a big pile o’ blood.”
He jerks the bottle up to his mouth again, and back down. Now he’s looking at me. Looking and looking, and I wonder if the light is playing tricks on me, or if I see tears glistening on his cheeks. It’s hard to tell through the blur of tears that fill my own eyes.
“An’ up till then, I had this big plan all laid out. I’d move you into tha’ room I made for you, an’ I’d start sleepin’ in th’ master, instead of this shithole, that way I could be close t’ you. I mean, I knew I was goin’ to need get inside you right away, I was hurtin’ so bad for you by then, bu’ figured once I had you that the devil inside me’d settle, not be so wound up all th’ time, an’ maybe you’d see a better side o’ me, Then when you was ready you might want t’ stay the night wi’ me, you know, sleep in th’ same bed wi’ me? An’ maybe we’d go ridin’ th’ ranch together sometimes. An’ o’er time, if I could keep you wi’ me long enough, maybe you’d be able t’ find somethin’ inside me t’ love, even though no one else could. Then we’d live happily e’er after, jus’ like Johnny an’ June did. Cuz he was no saint, bu’ she helped him, you know? Got him past his demons an’ all. Took some time bu’ she did it. So I thought maybe you could help me a li’l too. An’ you know, make me a better man.” He chuckles. “Ahhh, fuck, that jus’ sounds sappy. Bet you didn’ know I was a romantic, di’ you?”
He sniffles and wipes at his face with the hand holding the gun, then tips the Jim Beam back and sighs. “Then it all wen’ straight t’ hell. An’ I knew the moment I tol’ you I was sellin’ your place, then laid tha’ brand on you, that I lost any chance of gettin’ you t’ love me, but I was so mad, Ava. So mad I couldn’ see straight. But,” he says, raising the bottle like he’s giving a toast, “I got t’ marry you that day, didn’t I? And I got you doin’ anythin’ I want now. Bleedin’, screamin’, fuckin’, dressin’ up, cookin’ fancy meals. An’ I know, I know. You do it all fo’ him, I know, bu’ still. I get to do anything I want t’ you. An’ once I got tha’ room setup and we got our routine in place, I figured out that o’er time, I could get you hooked on me in other ways, by bindin’ you t’ me through th’ pain, an’ th’ pleasure, an’ th’ softness, an’ all that. It wasn’ love, bu’ it was somethin’. An’ I’ll let you in on a li’l secret, darlin’. I was tryin’ t’ get you t’ break your word in tha’ room. I was askin’ you t’ do such evil thing’s in there, hopin’ you’d reach that point where you wouldn’ do somethin’, even fo’ him. Cause I wanted t’ kill him so bad, Ava. So damn bad. And I woulda too, you know that, bu’ I didn’ wan’ t’ break my word t’ you. Was all I had left t’ prove t’ you that I might be worth somthin’. But yur so strong. So fuckin’ strong, you di’ it all.”
He looks off to the side, looking almost confused, then turns back to me and lets out a long breath. “Then o’er time, all th’ stuff I was doin’ to you was gettin’ us close, real close, in a dark sort o’ way. I could feel how you were needin’ me, and wantin’ me, but it wasn’ love you had for me. An’ tha’ hurt. It hurt in a way I wasn’ expectin’. An’ it hurt too, seein’ how you were dyin’ jus a li’l bit e’ery day in tha’ room, sort o’ like how I was dyin’ down here. That’s when I decided t’ change things up. Bu’ I had no idea how t’ handle it all. I damn near fell off m’ chair when you brought me tha’ list, cuz all th’ things I could see you were plannin’ t’ make, e’en after all th’ hell I’d been puttin’ you through. An’ tha’ hurt me e’en more. So what’d I do? I started thinkin’ o’ ways to hurt you back. Bu’ I already knew you could handle th’ hard kinda pain, so I needed to give you a different kind o’ pain. One tha’ would sting you inside, jus’ like you were stingin’ me inside. An’ once you lef’ me with th’ list and I knew Red was comin’, I had a good idea o’ how I’d do it.”
He chuckles and pulls from the bottle again. “Bu’ you know what? You probly won’t believe this, bu’ I think I had a harder time dealin’ with tha’ dinner than you. I know I played it off good, bu’ why d’ you think I had t’ drink th’ whole time? You think it was random me havin’ Red get th’ alc’hol? I knew I’d need it fo’ what I had in mind. An’ then you went an’ made tha’ big fancy dinner. An’ you didn’ have to. I didn’ say you had t’ make somethin’ nice like that. But you did it anyway. An’ no one’s e’er made me a meal like that b’fore. No one. An’ what I do? I hurt you, anyway I could, cuz it’s all I know how t’ do…it’s all I’ve e’er known how t’ do. Bu’ all I ended up doin’ was hurtin’ myself, cuz I can’t get th’ fuckin’ image of you an’ Red outta m’ head. I keep tryin’ to drink it ‘way, but it’s not goin’ anywhere.”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “See, it’s still there. An’ feels like it’s rippin’ m’ apart from th’ inside out. And I doubt Red’ll e’er talk t’ me again, cuz I know what I made him do ’ll tear him up way more than killin’ that guy did. An’ I know, I know, he got into it, bu’ that’s cuz I pushed him, and had him drinkin’. An’ he knew I’d sen’ those other guys up, an’ they woulda been much worse on you. An’ I’m so messed up I’d a probly let ‘em. An’ he knew that. Bu’ he’s probly off right now cryin’ his eyes out o’er what he did t’ you, because he’s been hurtin’ for you all these years too. Not like me, bu’ close. And here I am, tryin’ to drink myself under ‘cause it all hurts s’ damn much. An’ there you are, still got tha’ fire in your eyes, sparkly an’ blue like tha’ necklace your wearin’. There’s other stuff in your eyes now too, like th’ pity o’er all I jus’ told you an’ th’ hurt from everythin’ I done t’ you, bu’ th’ fire’s still there. Has been e’er since you threw tha’ rock at me. An’ thas why I love you, Ava. Thas why I’ve always loved you.” He chuckles. “You know whas funny? I think it’s you who’s breakin’ me. Ain’t that a laugh? Cuz you’re jus so strong. So damn strong. In fact…”
Shayne scrambles to his feet, and I swallow down the lump in my throat and shove away the tears with my good hand so I can see. When he stands and sways, I crunch up tighter in the corner, but keep my eye on the staircase.
“I see you lookin’ up there, but it’s locked so take it easy. But don’ worry. Don’ worry, Ava. I jus’ wanna see somethin’.” He staggers towards me, his hair falling over his forehead, his arms out to his side, the gun still in his hand. He comes to the edge of the mattress and falls to his knees. His eyes drop to my wrapped up hand and he stares at it. “I didn’ mean t’ do tha’,” he mutters, then sways and looks up, and hands me the gun. “Here, take it.”
I shake my head, without thinking, and a drunken smile spreads across his face. Then I realize what I’ve done. “S’okay,” he whispers. “I’ll le’ that one slide. Here, though. Wan’ you t’ take it.”
Slowly, I reach out with my good hand, knowing he’ll get angry if I don’t. Angry and sloppy drunk. So bad.
Shayne places the gun in my hand and clumsily wraps my fingers around it. It’s heavy, and warm from where he’s been holding it. “’Kay, now, pu’ your li’l fingers like that, an’ yeah, righ’ there. Then cock th’ lever back, like so. But b’ careful, don’ pull th’ trigger yet. ‘Kay good.” He rocks back so he’s kneeling in front of me, swaying, then takes my wrist and aims the gun at his chest, right over the carved up tattoo covering his heart. “‘Kay, now pull.”
I blink, the tears ripping down my face while the gun shakes in my hand.
“Com’ on, com’ on. ‘S’okay. I know I’m askin’ lot, bu’ you got this. You’re so strong. Stronger tha’ me. And I need you t’ do this. Cause I couldn’ do it back when I was eight. An’ this’ll set you free. Me too. So com’ on. Or hey, look a’ it this way. It’s me ‘r him. Cause if you don’t do this, you know wha’ it means right? I get t’ kill him. An’ I know you don’ wan that. So com’ on.”
Shayne closes his eyes and he’s no longer a beast. Just a man. A damaged man, with a damaged face to match. A man who got a shittier deal in life than I did. And all he’s ever wanted is me, the one who never wanted him back.
The gun shakes in my hand, so hard, I move my finger off the trigger so it won’t go off by accident. I try to think. Maybe if I can string him along somehow, keep him sidetracked until he passes out, there’s a chance he won’t remember any of this tomorrow. But I’ve never seen him drunk before, so I don’t know. I only know how my father was when he got drunk. Sometimes he would remember, sometimes he wouldn’t.
There is one thing I do know though.
I can’t kill him.
I can’t.
Maybe I’m being weak. Maybe it’s the way I’m bound to him now. Maybe it’s all he’s revealed.
But I can’t kill him.
I can’t.
It’s not the way I’m made.
I set the gun down on the mattress, feeling like I’m playing a game of Russian Roulette. What’s going to happen now? Will he really follow through on Gavin? Maybe I can reason with him. Maybe I can get through to him. Maybe I can give him something else to trade for Gavin’s life.
Shayne opens his eyes—eyes that have the look of a helpless child who’s hurting so bad and doesn’t know how to stop it.
More tears fall down my cheeks, and I huddle there, trembling.
He smiles, and I watch the beast creep back into his eyes. “Had your chance, baby. Bu’ you blew it. Now I get t’ kill him.”
“No, pl—”
I choke on the words when he staggers to his feet, faster than I thought he could move for being so drunk. He lurches forward, grabs me by the wrist of my good hand, and drags me up the stairs, thankfully leaving the gun behind. Through the door, I see the black dually sleeping in the garage, then we’re back in the house and he’s staggering down the hall, still holding me tightly by the wrist. When we come to the door with the deadbolt—my door—he opens it and tosses me inside, where I fall on the cement.
He stands in the doorway, leaning against the frame to keep from swaying. “Don’ think I want t’ let you wander for a while. ‘Specially as I gotta leave for a few days. You should have enough bread t’ last you.”
I scramble to my knees at his feet, knowing what he’s really saying, and the words stumble out of me. “Please, Shayne! I’m beg—”
“I gave you a chance, baby. All you had t’ do was kill me. But you couldn’t do it. Now I gotta keep m’ word, don’t I? Cause I got nothin’ else left. Nothin’.
“No! Please! Tell me what I can do!”
He stares down at me, his hair falling down around his face, and I wonder if perhaps my pleas are working, but he shakes his head. “It’s all fo’ him, isn’t it? Everythin’ you do. Everythin’! It’ll always be fo’ him!!!”
He staggers back and slams the door in my face and locks it.
I crumple into a heap, certain of two things. He’s going to kill Gavin. And I should’ve pulled the trigger.