Leah

 

I want to tell him not to say it, try to let him off the hook, anything to wipe that look of fear and dread from his face, but I stay quiet. I think he’s right. This is something he needs to get out.

He doesn’t look at me when he begins. “We met when she was in college. I was twenty and she was eighteen. I worked painting houses and we’d been hired to paint some of the campus buildings. I tried to talk to her every time she passed by. I also asked her out every time which drove her crazy,” he chuckles, and I can see he’s lost in the memories now.

“Finally, she said yes, and we started dating regularly after that. She was so different from me. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and she had hers all planned out. She was studying to be a marine biologist.” He chuckles again. “I used to tease her because we didn’t have an ocean anywhere near us, but she was determined.”

“We moved in together when she graduated, and I knew I had to do something with my life other than odd jobs so I joined the military. I thought it would be a good fit for me. I’d work my way up into a career and have a steady paycheck while I did it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

“She supported me at first, but eventually it wore on her. I was deployed more often than I was home and always into a war zone. She landed a great job at a local aquarium and was thrilled with her work, so it was never an option for her to come with me even when my assignments weren’t dangerous. She never wanted to live on a military base. She was terrified of losing me, but more afraid of losing herself and all she worked for, I think.”

“My first term was up and I had to decide whether to re-enlist. I wanted to. It was all I knew and I was being promoted faster than most. She didn’t want me to leave again and we argued. We fought for weeks until I came home and informed her I’d re-enlisted. It was too late.”

He rubs his forehead with his palm. “I was a young, stupid asshole who thought he knew what was best. I never gave her a choice. I didn’t realize just how unhappy she was until I was deployed again and received divorce papers while I was in the Middle East.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I breathe.

No matter how unhappy she was, filing for divorce while someone is dodging bullets is a terrible thing to do.

A strained smile stretches his lips. “I deserved it. I wasn’t listening to her. She tried to reason with me.”

“So, you’re divorced?”

“No, before it could move forward, I ended up breaking the law and was court martialed. I spent almost four years in prison.”

He spits the words as if they’re on fire, and I’m seized by a cold panic.

I can’t help it. I have to know.

“You spent four years in prison? What…for what crime?” I really don’t know this man at all, do I?

“Involuntary manslaughter.”

Holy fuck.

I’m not one to judge just because someone has done time. Derek served three years for what he did for me. Involuntary manslaughter is what people are usually charged with when it’s an accident, isn’t it? “Did you do it? Was it an accident?”

“Yes, I did it, but it wasn’t really an accident. One of my buddies I had been with since basic training just lost his shit one night and attacked an Afghani girl. She couldn’t have been more than fourteen. When I found them, he was raping her while she pleaded in broken English for him to stop. He wouldn’t stop, and I lost my temper and shot him. I aimed for his leg. I didn’t try to kill him, but he got an infection and died a week later. I was court martialed, dishonorably discharged, and locked up for nearly four years.”

Tucker jumps when I put my hand over his. “I’m sorry. He was raping her. They should’ve taken that into account when you were tried.”

Sighing, he shakes his head. “That’s the only reason I wasn’t given twenty to life. But it wasn’t a good enough reason. They didn’t really see the Afghanis as people. My commanding officer told me I should’ve let him finish and filed a report.”

“That’s bullshit.” We’re quiet for a few moments before I ask. “How did Kathi react when you were sent away?”

“She wrote me a few times, but she was having financial difficulties of her own after the aquarium laid her off. All that education and she couldn’t find a job. She ended up working at a shitty little convenience store. Neither of us had the money to pursue the divorce, so we just stayed married, although I know she went on to date other people. And really, what could I say about it? I was thousands of miles away in a concrete cell.”

He swallows hard, and I squeeze his hand. Whatever he’s getting ready to say is clearly the hardest part for him. “When I had a year left to serve, I was told she was in the hospital in critical condition. I tried like hell to get furlough, to get to visit her, but they wouldn’t let me. The only news I received about her was from her mother who hated me and found comfort in writing to tell me how much her daughter was suffering.”

“Fuck,” I murmur, not really knowing what else to say. The whole situation is heartbreaking.

“She was working the night shift at that shitty little convenience store and two masked men came in to rob her.” His voice wavers, and I squeeze his hand tighter, but I don’t think he even registers I’m here right now. The story is pouring out of him.

“She gave them the money, everything in the drawer and the safe. They could’ve left, but they didn’t. Instead they dragged her back to the storeroom and took turns raping her until she was unconscious. Then they shot her in the head.”

The last few words come out in a sob and tears run down my face as I wrap my arms around him. He buries his face in my neck and I just hold him for a minute.

When he’s composed himself a little, he sits back and continues, “She was there for over an hour before anyone found her. She lay there alone and suffering. The doctors said if she’d gotten prompt medical attention she may have recovered, but she was all alone.”

His fist pounds against his chest, making me jump. “I wasn’t there. The only woman I had ever loved suffered alone on a dirty tile floor because I wasn’t there. I saved an Afghani girl, but not my own wife.”

“Stop!” I grab his fist and smooth it out, feeling it open in my hand. “Tucker, I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you and your wife, but it wasn’t your fault. No one can protect another person every second.”

“If I hadn’t re-enlisted…”

“You can if yourself to death, Tucker, but we both know it doesn’t work that way. No one can predict the future. No one knows how one action will lead to the next. Life is a damn row of dominoes and once that first one is shoved over, we’re just along for the ride.”

“No. My selfish decisions led her to that job.”

Sighing, I look him in the eye and rub my palm across his cheek to catch the tears that slowly drip.

“Is that why you keep her on life support? Or do you still hope she’ll wake?”

“No. She won’t wake. We knew that from the beginning. She’s brain dead. Every specialist agreed we needed to let her go, but her mother wouldn’t sign the damn paper.”

I understand it must be the hardest thing for a parent to bear, but leaving them to suffer because you have false hope is just as devastating. “But you were still her husband by law?” Shouldn’t his word supersede the mother’s?

“Yes, but I still had a year left to serve. She went to court and they didn’t hesitate to make her a legal guardian. I never had a say after that. She didn’t even want me to visit, but I think she understood I’d fight her for that. I ran into her a few times and she would always yell and scream at me, get us both kicked out of the hospital, so now I go on Saturdays, the one day I know she doesn’t visit.”

“I’m so sorry, Tucker. I understand why you feel the way you do, but none of this is your fault. You didn’t hurt her. Not physically. And she wanted a divorce. She was dating other people. Even if you hadn’t gone to prison, you wouldn’t have been together. You wouldn’t have been there when she was attacked.”

He lays his head back on the couch and closes his eyes. “I wish I could believe that.” His arm slips around me. “I don’t want to talk about her anymore right now, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I just needed you to understand. You and I, I just can’t. We’re still married. She’s still my wife even if—

“I get it,” I interrupt before he can continue explaining. I do understand, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I’ve gotten way too attached to Tucker over the past few months and if there’s one thing I know now, it’s that I have to leave. I can’t be near him without caring for him. Without falling for him.

His pained eyes meet mine. “If I could be with someone, Leah. If I was capable of loving someone again, it’d be you.”

“Even though I annoy the shit out of you?”

His lips tilt up. “Yeah, you do, but in the best ways. And I don’t regret what happened between us, no matter how bad a person that makes me.”

“You aren’t a bad person. You’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met.”

“At the ripe old age of twenty-three,” he scoffs, scooting down and lifting his legs onto the couch.

“Age doesn’t mean anything. I’ve had enough experience to spot a bad guy when I see one.”

He reaches up and pulls me down to lie beside him, tucking me against his body. “Can we just lie like this for a while?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Telling his traumatic story must’ve exhausted him because he’s asleep in seconds, but I lie awake for another hour pondering all I’ve just learned. I’m also soaking in the feel of him, his arms around me, his breath in my ear, the smell of sawdust and soap. Because I know this is my last chance to do so.

For his sake, I need to leave, and soon. Because after the explosive sex we had there’s no way it won’t happen again, and I don’t want to add to his guilt.

I wake alone the next morning to the sound of wood being chopped outside. The temperature has shot up overnight and water drips from everything as the remainder of the ice and snow melts.

Sadness settles over me as I gaze through the window at Tucker swinging an ax. It’s true I was originally attracted to him for the same reason any woman would be. He’s freaking hot. But I see so much more in him now. He’s sweet and protective, kind and smart. He may think he can’t love again after Kathi, but I know better. The way he loves is intense and eternal. What I’d give to have that directed at me, but it just isn’t meant to be.

My phone beeps with a text from Derek.

 

Power is back on here. What about there?

 

A noise in the driveway makes me look up from the phone to see two power trucks pulling in the drive.

 

No power here yet, but the trucks just showed up. So probably soon.

 

Do you want to stay with us until it’s on?

 

I guess now is as good a time as any to tell him.

 

Actually, I’d like to move back in for a few weeks while I look for an apartment.

 

Seconds later, my phone rings.

“What happened?” Derek demands, barking into my ear.

“What? Nothing happened. I just…want my own place. We’ve been through this.”

My fingers wrap around the string to the blind while I lie through my teeth about why I need to leave.

“Quit bullshitting me, Leah. You could apartment hunt from there. You’re always welcome to stay with us. I want you to live with us. But I want to know why you want to leave after you were so determined to stay. Did Tucker do something?”

“No! He’s been good to me. Made sure the house was warm and we had food and everything. I just…it’s time for me to go. Can you just help me move back without drilling me with questions?”

There’s a long pause and I hear Ayda and Derek conversing in the background. “I’m on my way.”

I wasn’t expecting him that quick, but it’s probably for the best. “Thanks, Derek. Love you.”

“Love you too, critter.”

I debate going out to talk to Tucker, but I just can’t do it. Instead, I go upstairs and pack up my things. Just as I’m closing my suitcase, Tucker appears in the doorway.

“You’re leaving.” It’s not a question. I swallow a knot in my throat at the defeated tone of his voice.

He holds up his palm as I approach him. “Tucker—

“It’s for the best,” he mumbles. His eyes bore into mine. “I don’t trust myself around you. You’re a damn hard woman to resist, Leah.”

I throw my arms around him and hold him tight. “And you’re a damn good man who doesn’t give himself enough credit. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“And you keep yourself out of trouble, kid.”

For once, his nickname for me raises a smile on my face.

A horn blows outside and I step back to peek out of the window. “Derek’s here.”

“He’s going to kill me,” Tucker chuckles, grabbing two of the boxes I’ve packed.

“No, he doesn’t know anything and I have no intention of telling him.”

Tucker gives me a look like I may be proof evolution can go in reverse. “Come on,” he grunts.

Derek takes my suitcase and hugs me when I meet him in the driveway. “Do you have more stuff?”

“Tucker is bringing some boxes and there’s another in my room. Thanks for coming. There’s no way all this would fit in my little car.” I shift my laptop bag and purse on my shoulder.

“Put your bags in your car. I’ll be right back. I want to have a word with Tucker about his electricity.”

Yeah, even I know that’s bullshit, but I also know better than to get between two friends. And really, what’s the worst that can happen?

Tucker nods at Derek as he puts a box in the truck, and Derek follows him back to the house. After chucking my bags in my car, I lean against the trunk and watch them. They’re just out of earshot, but the body language doesn’t exactly set me at ease.

Derek has his arms crossed and his lips are pressed together while Tucker shakes his head and looks at the ceiling as he says something. Damn, I wish I could read lips. Surely, he isn’t telling him…

Yep. He told him.

My body jumps as if I’ve been hit, but I’m not the one who just got slammed in the face with a fist.

“Derek!” I shout, racing up on the porch. “What the fuck?” I shove him, but it’s no use. The man is huge and I’m not that strong.

Tucker’s eye is swelling, but he looks unfazed as he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

“He hit you!” I shout, trying to shove Derek again.

“Babe, I fucked his little sister. He gets a free one for that. You can’t be mad at him.”

“The hell I can’t! I’m not a child!” Even pissed off, I notice he called me babe. God, I’m pathetic.

“Then stop throwing a tantrum,” Tucker replies. He looks me in the eye. “I’m fine, Leah. You need to get in your car and let us talk.”

Fuming, I turn to Derek. “No more hitting or…”

Derek and Tucker both grin as I struggle to think of some threat.

“Or I’ll tell Ayda.”

Derek’s eyes widen, and Tucker laughs aloud, throwing his head back. Ayda is tiny, but she’s the only person in the world who can put him in his place.

“No more hitting,” Derek agrees.

Giving them both a backward glance, I get in my car and watch. They talk for a few more minutes, but there’s no more violence. Finally, Derek carries out the last of my stuff and gets in his truck.

Tucker leans against the pillar of the porch and watches as we leave, a sullen expression on his face.

It took weeks for me to get him to smile and laugh with me and that’s what I want to remember, not this moment when he looks like his heart is as shredded as mine.

Tears stream down my face as I follow Derek onto the highway. I don’t know what I’m crying for exactly, just this whole situation. A man who blames himself for something no one could’ve predicted. A woman wasting away in a hospital room while the world goes on around her. Or myself. A girl who can’t ever seem to fall for the right guy.

It’s time to start over.

It’s time to grow up.