Tucker

 

I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the past few days without Leah by my side. She didn’t try to make me talk, just silently supported me, made sure I ate and didn’t drink too much. I slept in her bed the second night as well, unable to stand being away from her when I knew she was so close.

I’m shocked at how I handled this. I thought I had dealt with her death years ago, accepted that she was gone. But she wasn’t really gone until I couldn’t go talk to her in the hospital anymore.

Leah told me that grief happens in stages and I need to let myself feel whatever I feel, but she doesn’t understand. I’m mourning my wife who I haven’t spoken to in years at the same time I’m struggling to accept that I can’t have Leah the way I want either.

Some people are meant to be alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating a fact. Living here in this beautiful place, having food to eat and water to drink. A good job and good friends. It’s more than I deserve and I think, eventually, I can be content with that.

Leah has moved on and done well. I haven’t asked whether she’s seeing someone because I’m afraid to know the answer. It doesn’t matter anyway. She’s young and she has her whole life ahead of her. After today. The funeral is today and I need her.

“Tucker? Are you ready?” she asks, entering the living room. She’s wearing a simple black dress and her hair is up, making her look so young.

“Yeah,” I grunt. Like me, Kathi’s family isn’t religious, so the funeral is being held graveside instead of in a church.

Kathi didn’t have much family and the friends she had have long ago given up visiting or keeping up with her situation so I’m not surprised to see a very small group of people gathered when we arrive. It sucks. She deserves so much better.

A few rows of chairs have been set up on the lawn beside the coffin that is resting above the grave. I’m a little relieved her mother, Gloria, opted for a closed casket. I don’t want to remember her this way. Gloria shoots me a hateful look when Leah and I take a seat in the back row.

I notice Leah is careful not to touch me or do anything that would seem inappropriate, like I’ve brought a girlfriend to my wife’s funeral. My mind is a million miles away when Leah whispers, “Uh…Tucker. I swear I didn’t tell anyone, but…” She gestures to our right.

Dare, Ayda, Justus, Sadie, Jeremy, and Zoe walk toward us. I don’t get a chance to ask how they knew we were here because the officiant steps to the front and begins to talk. Justus clamps a hand on my shoulder before sitting beside me, and the rest take a seat as well.

I don’t know what he says. It’s like someone stuffed my ears with cotton and all I can do is stare at the coffin which holds the first woman I ever loved. The only until Leah. Because no matter how much I’d like to deny it, I also love the woman sitting beside me. I feel hollowed out, as if the only emotions that exist in my world are guilt, regret, and grief.

I run all the good times Kathi and I had through my head and realize it’s getting harder to remember them. I don’t really remember her voice anymore or the sound of her laugh. I’ve been holding on to someone who has been gone for over four years and I know it’s time to let go.

When the service ends, everyone walks by the casket to say goodbye. Someone put a rose in my hand at some point and I lay it on the shiny wood. “I’m so sorry, Kathi. You deserved better than me, better than this. I hope you’re at peace now.”

I turn when I hear raised voices behind me and notice that Justus is standing between Gloria and Leah while Gloria tries to get to her. She’s screaming. Something about a whore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t seem to comprehend anything at the moment, but seeing someone go after Leah yanks me out of my trance.

“Get away from her!” I snap, stepping in front of Justus and Leah.

“You bring your whore to my daughter’s funeral. I don’t know why I expected any better. All the time pretending you loved her. She would be alive if it wasn’t for you! You killed her! You killed her!” Gloria screams then falls into hysterical sobs.

I feel a soft hand on my arm as one of Gloria’s friends comes to her side talking softly to her. “Let it go, Tuck,” Leah murmurs. “She doesn’t mean it. She’s grieving. We should go.”

Let that bitch think anything she wants. I grab Leah’s hand and everyone follows us back to the cars, standing around in a protective group.

“How did you know?” I ask no one in particular.

“You remember we’re hackers, right? We knew about your wife before we hired you to stay at the farmhouse,” Jeremy admits.

“We figured you’d talk about it if you wanted to,” Justus adds.

Zoe hugs me. “Landon wanted to be here as well, but he thought showing up in his Teletubby suit might draw attention away from what’s important.”

Landon suffers from a disease that prevents him from going out in the sunlight without a protective suit that looks like it was stolen from the movie Outbreak. “What the hell is a Teletubby?” I ask, and everyone giggles.

It breaks some of the tension, and Dare speaks up. “We’ll follow you back to your place.” Part of me wants to resist, to tell them I need to be alone, but I know I shouldn’t. These guys have stepped up in a way I never expected and I have something I always wanted but never had. Brothers. I won’t push them away.

Leah quietly takes the keys from my hand and climbs into the driver’s seat, glancing back to make sure I’m following her. Fine. My mind is stuffed full of a hundred different things. Focusing on the road probably wouldn’t be a priority.

When everyone is parked in my driveway, I’m surprised to see Ayda, Zoe, and Sadie all carrying in food and drinks. By the time I get inside, my kitchen table is covered and Justus is pouring glasses of bourbon.

Leah pulls me aside. “If you want everyone gone, just say something. They want to be there for you, but if it’s too much…”

She’s so sweet, so thoughtful. I need to be far away from her. I can’t deal with how I feel about her after just seeing Kathi buried. It’s wrong.

“I’d like to hang out with the guys,” I mumble, and she nods.

“I understand.”

Within a few minutes, all the women are gathered on the front porch, eating and talking while Dare, Jeremy, and Justus sit around the living room with me. We don’t talk about Kathi or why I didn’t tell them I had a dying wife, we just hang out and bullshit like usual and it’s exactly what I need. To feel something normal. To remind myself that life will go on.

Jeremy’s phone rings, and Justus chuckles when he steps away to answer. “He can fight it all he wants. But he’s going to end up with that woman. They’re equally crazy. They belong together.”

“Frannie?” I ask.

“Yep. I tried to warn him redheads are crazy, but what do I know?” He shrugs.

Jeremy returns and Humper follows him in the room. Humper walks over, flops down at my feet, and starts to lick his balls. “Don’t mind us, buddy,” I scoff.

“I wish I could do that,” Jeremy jokes.

“You should at least pet him first, then see what he’s up for,” Justus replies, drawing laughter from all of us.

That’s pretty much how the next couple of hours pass and the weight of the day lifts from my chest a little.

The girls come back inside as the sun starts to set. Zoe and Ayda leave together since Ayda has a baby to get back to and Zoe wants to get home to Landon.

Leah pulls me aside to ask how I’m doing and volunteers to stay another night with me. Her innocent eyes gaze up at me and I hate what I have to say, but I have to say it. We walk out onto the porch and I tilt her chin up with my palm.

“I couldn’t have made it through the last few days without you. I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done, but I need you to leave now.” Instead of arguing or questioning me, she nods and bites her lip. I pull her into my arms. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too,” she whispers. “If you need me.”

“I know.”

“Since you somehow found out where I live,” she giggles, stepping back and wiping her eyes. “You’re kinda stalkerish.”

Chuckling, I sweep her hair off her forehead. “You’re not unlisted. All I had to do was Google you. I’m glad you’re doing so well. You deserve good things.”

“So do you,” she replies.

When we return, Sadie is preparing to leave as well and there’s a good natured argument going on because Justus wants to stay and they rode together.

“I’ll take you home,” Leah tells Sadie. “I’m headed that way.”

“See? Problem solved,” Justus says. “Hakuna your tatas.”

Dare’s brow wrinkles. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Calm your tits,” Justus replies, rolling his eyes. “You have a kid and you’ve never seen The Lion King?”

“I’m pretty sure that line isn’t in there,” Leah chuckles.

“Whatever,” Justus replies. “We’re all crashing here. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kisses Sadie, and she gives his ass a quick squeeze.

Leah gives me one last smile and walks out with Sadie, leaving me alone with the guys.

“So,” Dare produces another bottle of liquor. “We getting shitfaced or what?”

 

* * * *

 

Telling Leah to go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I was sure it was the right decision…at the time. My head was so screwed up, my guilt and grief over Kathi would have ruined anything I tried to pursue with Leah.

While I still think it was the right decision to take some time alone, the last two months have changed nothing when it comes to how I feel about her. Ayda has kept me up on some of the things going on in her life, but I’ve had no contact since the funeral. Leah tried to call a few times, but I knew if I talked to her, I’d never let her go again.

I’ve tried to keep myself as busy as possible, but I still think about her constantly. Ayda has tried to convince me to call her or text, but every time I pick up the phone, I can’t think what to say.

The sun beats down on my back as I haul two Adirondack chairs into my truck to drop off at Keith’s furniture. A glance at my phone reveals they close in less than an hour, so I have to get going.

Mona is the only one working when I lug the two wooden chairs into the back storeroom. “Hey, Tucker. Got a couple more for me?”

“Yeah, and the two picnic tables are finished as well. You’ll have to send the box truck after them though.”

“I’ll get Dexter to go out there tomorrow to pick them up,” she assures me. A smile appears on her weathered face. “What happened to that girl you were seeing?”

Here we go. Mona seems to take it as a personal affront that I’m single. “I wasn’t seeing anyone. All the good ones are taken. Like you,” I tease.

She flaps her hand at me. “You know who I mean. The one you were babysitting.”

“My days of babysitting are over.”

“That’s a shame,” she says, writing me a check for this week’s products. “You need a good woman.” When I reach for the check, she holds onto it and her eyes stare into mine. It feels like I’m looking into years of wisdom while she says, “Happiness doesn’t come knocking on your door, you know. You have to hunt it down and make it yours.”

“I’ll remember that,” I tell her.

Her words replay in my head as I sit in my truck. The thought of going back to that empty farmhouse sounds like the most depressing prospect imaginable. There are days when I’m pissed at Leah for no good reason. Before she came, I was perfectly content to live alone, to pass the days with no other voices in my ear. Now, there’s a Leah shaped void everywhere I look.

I want to hear her singing in the kitchen while she cooks and hear her typing while I watch TV. I want to tell her about the new contracts I’ve gotten and hear about her books. I want to listen to her babble on about everything and nothing.

When I start my truck and pull out of the parking lot, it seems to have a mind of its own as it makes a left toward the highway, away from my house. Some of Leah’s impulsivity must have rubbed off on me because I’m going to find her.

During the ride, I almost change my mind a hundred times. This is stupid. I should call first. She may not even be home. It’s a Friday night, after all. But I can’t talk myself out of it. I need to see her, even if it’s just for a few minutes, although I have every intention of bringing her home with me, over my shoulder if I must.

It’s just started to get dark when I park across the street from Leah’s new place. Her porch light flicks on, and for a second, I think maybe she saw me pull up, though I’m a couple of houses down from her. Some tool in a blue sedan parked in front of her house as I turned onto her street.

The light isn’t for me. A thin red headed guy gets out of the car and heads up to Leah’s door, a bunch of flowers in his hand. The front door opens and she steps out. Fuck, she’s beautiful. Her hair is shorter, barely brushing her shoulders and she’s wearing glasses. She never wore glasses.

It occurs to me how crazy this is. I’m assuming just because my life has been standing still, hers has as well. She’s moved on. I have no right to intrude and steal the happiness she’s found.

A sick feeling settles in my stomach when he leans and drops a kiss on her lips. The same lips I kissed. The same lips that were all over my chest the night we fucked. The sharp pain quickly turns to anger, aimed at the guy kissing the woman I love, and it’s everything I can do not to get out of the truck and rip him to shreds.

I should leave, but apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. I watch as he walks her to his car, and opens the passenger door. She’s all smiles as she gets inside. It’s her smile that makes the decision for me. I can’t do this to her. She’s happy.

After they pull away, I start my truck and head back to the highway. It never occurred to me she’d be seeing someone. I guess I assumed Ayda would mention that when I ask about her. I’ve never asked the question though, so maybe she knew I really didn’t want the answer.

 

* * * *

 

The little girl giggles when I end up moving my cardboard child to a chute and have to slide back to the beginning. I’m playing Chutes and Ladders with a five year old. If Dare or one of the other guys walked in on this, I’d never live it down.

I’m staying with a woman and her young daughter in one of the safe houses for a few days, helping out Striking Back. It’s a holiday week and they’re short handed. It’s an easy assignment since there’s minimal risk the estranged husband will locate them.

Alex Reed is supposed to be here this evening to relieve me because it’s the Fourth of July and I’m being dragged to a get together at Landon’s for fireworks tonight. It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with them, the guys have made the last two months far more bearable and I feel like I fit in somewhere for the first time since I was in the service. No, the problem is a little blonde who still haunts my dreams.

I haven’t talked to Leah since the day of Kathi’s funeral. She called to check on me a few times, but I always let it go to voicemail, and she got the message. There was no point in dragging it out or leading her on to think we could be together someday when I know she’s better off without me. She’s young and enthusiastic with all these plans for her life. I’m ten years older and all I really want to do is stay home and build stuff.

Granted, building stuff has been way more lucrative than I ever imagined. I have three different furniture outlets buying from me now and I’ve even had to hire a guy to help me because I’m drowning in orders.

I could quit Striking Back since I don’t need the money, but they need the help. I may not have the skills to help out the guys at In Safe Hands like I used to, but I can help here. Regardless, the guys still make it clear they consider me a part of ISH. They know if they do need help with anything outside of a computer, I’m the guy to call.

A big part of me wanted to pass on tonight’s little party, but I just couldn’t. I can’t have her, but I couldn’t pass up a chance to see her. I’m a glutton for punishment.

There’s a knock on the door and I’m instantly on my feet. “Go sit with your mom,” I tell the little girl, and she scampers away.

My guard drops when I look through the peephole to see Parker and Alex Reed. “It’s just my replacement,” I assure them before stepping outside.

“Hey, I was only expecting one of you. Did something happen? Has her husband been spotted?”

Parker glances at his brother. “No, I’m staying to guard them. Alex is going with you.”

Confused, I turn to Alex. “I’m not supposed to be working tonight.”

“ISH needs us. Mason is already on his way. There’s been a shooting at the mall, they’ve got hostages.”

I’m still confused. This isn’t what SB or ISH do. “Okay.”

“It’s the women. Ayda, Sadie, Zoe, Frannie, and Dare’s sister. I can’t remember her name. They’re all inside.”

Icy fear seems to immobilize my body for a second. “Leah,” I gasp.

“Yeah, Leah. We don’t know if anyone is hurt. SWAT already has the place surrounded and locked down.”

I’m in my car before he can say another word and he barely gets his ass in the seat in time to go with me.

This can’t be happening. Not again. I won’t lose another woman I love to some psycho again.