Chapter 38

 

 

“Come here, you little monkey,” I coaxed, grabbing Nicholas around the waist after getting one shoe on him. “We’re going on the airplane,” I explained, like he had any idea what I was saying.

“Da, da,” Nicholas babbled. I didn’t even hear him open the door. It was Drew, and Nicky was going after him. He ran as fast as his little legs would let him, falling down twice to get to Drew. I wanted to run to him too. I didn’t. I stayed seated on the floor, watching. Drew picked him up and hugged him so tight. Closing his eyes while he embraced the feel of his son.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, standing.

“I’m not letting you go to Maine.”

“Why?” I didn’t get it. What the hell?

“You didn’t leave anything behind there. You don’t need to go to Maine.”

“You’re divorcing me. You can’t tell me what to do.”

“You’re not going to Maine.”

“You’re impossible. You don’t talk to me for two months, and then out of the blue you call me because my credit card was charged for an airline ticket to Maine? What the hell, Drew?”

“It wasn’t two months. It was fifty one days. Why do you want to go there? There’s nothing there you need to go there for.”

“I want to visit Starlight.”

“And Dawson,” Drew decided.

“I’m sure Dawson is happily married, loving his little family, unlike me.”

“Dawson is not married.”

That got my attention. “What do you mean? Lauren told me they were getting married. They had a baby girl, Starlight told me.”

“Starlight doesn’t tell you everything. Lauren left Dawson. She moved away with some guy named Joel.”

“Joel was her boyfriend before Dawson. She took the baby from him?” That made me not like my ex-best friend even more. Dawson didn’t deserve that. Dawson was a good man.

“No, she left the baby. Dawson has full custody of her.”

Now I hated her. “How do you know this?”

“I was there when we sold the house. I saw him at the coffee shop with Starlight.”

“Okay, Drew. I see what this is all about. You don’t want me going there because you know Dawson is single, and you’re afraid that we’re going to pick up where we left off. Is that it? Is that why you don’t want me to go to Maine?”

“Yes,” he quietly admitted.

“Drew, you big dumb idiot. I don’t want Dawson. I want you. I want our family back. I can’t take this. You can’t just send me to the beach house and forget us. Marriage doesn’t work that way.” I wanted to walk towards him when Nicky squirmed from his arms. Afraid of rejection, I didn’t.

“Morgan, we have never had a normal marriage and you know it.”

“I don’t care about that. It’s enough. I want us, Drew.”

“I need some time.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I need some time away from you.”

“Because you don’t want me?”

“God no, Morgan. Because I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want my son thinking that it’s okay to hurt you. I have to get some things worked out with myself before I can take care of you.”

“And that means you’re not giving up on us? You just need some time?” I asked, hoping he would say yes.

“I don’t know. I’m afraid of the next time.”

“That was my fault, Drew. I should have used our word. I shouldn’t have provoked you.”

“No words can stop me in that state, Morgan. I know what I am capable of.”

“Okay, so where does that leave us? Am I supposed to just sit around here and wait? Wait for what, Drew? I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

Drew dropped to his knees and pushed the bulky red car to Nicholas. He laughed, causing us both to smile at him.

“Drew, please don’t leave me.”

“Damn it, Morgan. Come here.”

That was all I needed. I was in Drew’s arms in half a second, sobbing at his smell, the feel of his strong arms, and the emotions that only he and I could feel.

“You can’t do this to us, Drew. We’ve come too far,” I begged.

“I need some time, Morgan. This can never happen again.”

“I’ll give you time. Just don’t give up on us. We’ll stay here, and you can come whenever you want.”

“Morgan—”

“Please, Drew.” I begged again, sounding like a desperate psychopath. I was desperate. I couldn’t do this without Drew. I didn’t want to.

“Let’s just wait and see if I am fixable,” Drew replied, pulling me tighter. He missed me. I knew he did. I could tell. I didn’t argue with him. I was just happy that he was with us.

Drew grilled burgers on the deck for us and we ate overlooking the breathtaking ocean. He never took his eyes off me or his hands off Nicholas. I couldn’t understand it. He loved us. I could see it in his eyes. Why did he think things were better with us being apart? They weren’t.

I was never so happy in my life for Nicholas’s bath time. I was happy that Drew was there and wanted to eat him up, but I wanted him all to myself. Two months was a long time to wait for Drew and me.

“Morgan?” Drew asked, opening the door to his new office.

“Oh, I was kind of mad at you.”

“Obviously,” he laughed. “Where’s my desk?”

“We roasted hot dogs,” I teased. “You can put another one back in there.”

“We’ll see.”

I didn’t like that answer. He wasn’t doing much to reassure me.

I showered while Drew got Nicholas in his jammies and read to him. I felt like we were about to have sex for the first time. Shaving my legs, I wondered if we were having sex at all. My throbbing between my legs was sure we were.

Walking out in nothing but a towel, Drew and I both stopped. I was exiting the bathroom just as he entered our room.

“Morgan, Deidra doesn’t think we should do anything.”

“Anything like what?” I asked, seductively, dropping the towel. Screw Deidra. I was getting laid. I didn’t give him time to protest. I walked into his arms and kissed him. Drew and I stood there, emotionally entwining our tongues, losing ourselves in one another. I was the sick one. I was the one that needed the help. My mind and body was fighting the urges, wanting Drew to do the things Drew did. Something told me Drew wasn’t going to do that.

“Make love to me,” I whispered to his lips.

“I knew you would do this,” he accused, toeing off both shoes and dropping me to our bed.

Drew did none of the things I wanted. It was amazing, but not my Drew. Our naked bodies tangled together, and I drifted to the place only Drew could take me. Feeling his fingers slide up my wet slit first, my back arched. God, he felt amazing. Drew kissed me, forcing his tongue between my lips. I felt him move into me, slowly, inch by inch.

I’ve probably felt and said it before, but it was the most emotional lovemaking we’d ever shared. There was nothing kinky about it. It was pure love. I felt it, and I know Drew did as well.

“Shit, Morgan. You have to hurry,” Drew coaxed, losing his willpower.

“I don’t want this to ever be over,” I softly spoke. I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t care if I didn’t get off. I wanted to keep Drew right here with me, feeling like this forever.

“Please come,” he begged, placing his fingers between us and between my legs to help. That did it. His fingers massaging my nub while he pumped in and out of me was all it took. Digging my nails into his back, I let go. Drew thrust deep inside me and released with me, breathing heavy breaths into my hair.

I don’t know what came over me, but a feeling crept up that left me an emotional mess. I felt the tear slide down my eye. Drew raised up, looked at me with a sad smile, and kissed it away.

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“Don’t be sorry, Drew. Just stop with all this. I can’t stand not being with you. Nicholas shouldn’t be without you either.”

“Morgan, you have to let me work through this. I love you too much to hurt you anymore. I’m not doing it, and I can’t guarantee that I won’t yet.”

I sighed a long heavy breath and slid from beneath him. It was pointless. Drew was on some sort of mission that didn’t include me. How long it was going to take was beyond me. There was nothing I could say that was going to change his mind. He felt in his heart that this was right, and I couldn’t change it, Nicky couldn’t change it, and I could only wait and hope.

Drew spent the next two days at the beach with us. We didn’t talk about anything serious, not because I didn’t want to, because he wouldn’t do it. I caught him on the phone twice with Deidra. He was really into Deidra all of a sudden. I was glad that he was getting help. He needed to talk to someone besides me. He didn’t want me hearing the gruesome details of his childhood, and truth be known, I didn’t want to hear them. I’m not sure I could handle it without digging Michael Callaway up and killing him all over again.

We spent two days in each other’s arms, pretending. That’s what we were doing, pretending that we were this happy family but with blinders on. Forget about the baggage, that’s what we did. We played with our son, walked on the beach in search of sea glass, and made love, over and over again.

“Drew, please. Take us home with you,” I begged.

“Morgan, not yet. We’ve talked about this. I’m not ready to do that yet.”

“We didn’t talk about anything,” I said, getting angry. “We’ve been fine for the last three days. I don’t want to be here without you.” I started crying.

“Please don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry. I’m working on it. I want you home with me, but I am not doing that until I know I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

“I love you.”

That was it. Drew kissed Nicholas and spun on his heels out the door.

It wasn’t as bad as it was before. Drew did talk to me every morning, and we Skyped every night with Nicholas. Drew read his bedtime stories through the computer while I rocked him on my lap. I still didn’t like it. It wasn’t the same as being with him. Every time I brought it up, he derailed it. I had no idea when or if we’d ever be a family again.

Drew had a lot of emotional baggage to deal with and the only thing I could do was step back and let him work it out on his own, without me. He didn’t want me helping him. Although it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I did it for him. I stepped back and settled for the good morning phone calls and the video chat every night. What else was I supposed to do? I understood or tried to anyway. I knew he had to do this his way, but it didn’t do much to convince me that he would ever be ready for us again. He was too freaked out, too afraid of hurting me. I could understand it as much as I couldn’t.