Drake walks me up to my apartment, carrying my handbag for me as though it’s the heaviest object in the world. He’s funny, a lot less tense than Tobias, less inclined to care if he’s caught in a less than stellar situation, like carrying a woman’s handbag and crying at its weight.
He asks me if I need moral support and although I am desperate for it, I decline and he leaves me with a tight hug, making me promise to keep in touch.
A promise I’ll do my best to keep.
Was my front door always green?
I turn my key in the lock and count down from six. I don’t know why six. It just feels like a good number.
Six…
Five…
Four…
Three…
I open the door prematurely and step into my apartment.
Though I’m not entirely sure it is my apartment anymore. It looks more like a bachelor pad. We have a brand new reclining sofa, a huge TV on the wall and three different game consoles all built into the actual wall. The kitchen has been renovated into a more modern style and it is all squeaky clean. I spy inspirational quotes on the sage green walls, some lyrics from songs I wrote.
This is too much. I’ve only been gone two months. They’ve transformed the place. It looks and smells so good.
“Hello?” I call out into the empty apartment and get no answer.
I bypass the filth and head straight to my room, the door clicking open with a slight squeak of the hinges.
“Oh my God.” Tears fill my eyes when I take it all in.
It’s pristine. Cleaner than it was before. The walls have been painted black and pink. They’re covered in images of my favourite bands, old records, my first keyboard that started to break at the beginning of our contract. My bedding is new too; it’s a patchwork of our song lyrics, feel good snippets and quotes that make me smile.
All of my furniture is new too. I have a throne, a literal fucking padded black wood and bright pink cushioned throne at my desk where my laptop rests, waiting for its master. My hand snags the fluffy throw off the foot of the bed and, after dropping my bag onto the floor, I wrap it around me and sit in the same spot I sat in when I subconsciously decided to end my life.
It feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like a new person.
I can’t believe they did this for me.
When I brave standing, I go over to my desk and open my laptop.
I don’t unlock it; I just stare at it for the longest moment and then decide that’s not something I’m ready for so I close it again and instead empty my bag onto the empty space on my desk.
My phone slides out and I touch it with the tip of my finger. Then I pick it up with all of the crap I don’t need and dump it in my new, purple bin. My bedroom is a mess of bright colours but it’s amazing. It’s bright and it’s fun and it’s me.
I want to be bright and fun and me again.
I don’t want anything from that day. I don’t want to read the text messages, or see the missed calls, or activate the voicemail. This is my fresh start. I was saved and given another chance at life so I am taking it and I’m not wasting it.
The front door opens and I hear Dane’s loud laughter followed by Kai’s grumbling. Dane’s poking fun at him again.
The thought makes me smile.
I’ve missed them so much.
I don’t immediately leave my room. I’m terrified, to be honest. My heart feels ready to evacuate the building, taking my common sense with it.
For a while I simply listen to them talk. Kai turns on the PS4; I hear it give a little beep of life.
“COD?” He asks.
“COD’s shit. Battlefield,” Dane argues.
“COD’s the shit, you Battlefield bum lover.”
Dane laughs again. “I’d rather be a Battlefield bum lover than a camping Cod cunt.”
“I fancy a game of Halo,” I put in, opening the door. “It’s been a while though, so you might have to go easy on me.”
They both gape at me over the back of the couch, seemingly stupefied by my sudden appearance.
We all just stare at each other, taking each other in. We’ve been adopted siblings since we were in year nine of school. We’ve been through so much. They picked me up after Frank and they’ve protected me ever since.
They’re my best friends and I think I’m about to cry, but because they’re my best friends they know what I need and both of them pat the seat between them.
“I’ll grab the other controller.” Kai grins, placing his own on the arm of the leather couch.
“Can’t I just have that one?” I ask as I hop over the back of the couch and sit cross-legged between them.
“Not a chance, that’s my lucky controller. Don’t ever touch my lucky controller.”
Dane rolls his eyes and stands. He opens up a long drawer on the black, glossy coffee table and reveals a row of too many games. “Halo was it?”
“Yep,” I pop the P and get comfortable with a fluffy scatter cushion behind my shoulders. “Also, Kai, Dane’s right. COD is shit.”
Dane and I high-five and Kai just flips us off and tosses the remote my way.
I catch it with both hands and sign myself in.
“Thank you for my room,” I say quietly.
Kai just winks at me in return and Dane pats my knee before saying, “Thank you for coming back.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kai reclaims his seat to my left, turning towards me as he asks the question.
“I’m better; that’s all that matters about that chapter of my life,” I reply, keeping my eyes on the TV. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about any of it.”
“In that case, let’s kick some alien butt.”
Dane adds, “Hell fucking yeah.”
We start shouting orders at each other, laughing when somebody dies, gloating when we save a life. It’s amazing; it’s so easy to just fall back into normality with them both.
That is until Rep calls Kai and asks to speak to me.
Kai seems unsure as he asks me if I want to take the call, almost as unsure as I feel when I take his phone and put it to my ear.
“Hey, Rep.”
“Oh, Cerise,” he sighs in his heavy, posh accent. “It is fantastic to hear your voice. How are you feeling? Did you get my messages?”
“I was told you called. I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t call you back yet; I don’t have a phone.”
“That’s something I’ll rectify immediately,” he states, sounding determined. “What phone would you like? Shall I surprise you?”
“It’s okay, you don’t…”
“Nonsense, I’m at your beck and call,” He states and I hear him tapping away on something else, likely already ordering me a phone. “I was hoping we could all meet at the studio soon. We obviously have to get you all back out into the world now that you’re better.” I bite my lip hard at the thought. “But don’t worry because I have it all sorted with your publicist. We’ve gone over a few scenarios for me to run by you. I favour this one.”
“Are you okay?” Kai mouths, frowning.
I nod slightly and continue listening to Rep.
“I’ve got you in on a recorded talk show with the very reputable Shannon Kane. She’s one of the main benefactors of some of the most prestigious mental health charities in the UK and America.”
“I don’t know if I…”
“There is so much speculation that won’t die down until you voice your truth. People are greedy for information and normally I’d be saying let them speculate, but with everything that has happened to you I think it’s prudent you get the story straight for your mental health and safety. Your Doctor Foreman agrees with me.”
“You talk too quickly and too much,” I grumble, trying to keep up and take it all in. “I’m not sure if I’m even ready to talk about any of it, let alone in front of a live audience.”
“The trial is this weekend…”
It is? “How do you know that and I don’t?”
“I assumed Mr Lockhart would have informed you.”
I laugh once. “He’s dating Rebecca. He’s not interested in informing me of anything.”
“Right.” He pauses for the first time since starting that conversation. “So… on Thursday, the day after the trial, I’ve got you a flight booked. We’ll spend a few days with Shannon’s team, helping you plan what you’re going to say on stage…”
“Plan?” I shake my head to clear it. “America? This is too much too soon. I need time.”
“We don’t have time,” he says softly and quietly. “You’re the topic on the tip of everybody’s tongue at the moment. You’re the most searched female person on the planet. If you want to go back to your music and you want to get some semblance of normality, you have to bite the bullet.”
Rep, since the beginning, has always fought our corner, always made sure we have the best. I know I should trust him but it’s a lot to take in.
“Word of your return is already news. They’re just waiting to take your photograph and speculate in a thousand ways you don’t want.”
“It’s none of their business.”
“You’re right,” he agrees. “It isn’t. But that doesn’t mean they’ll suddenly stop. So, Thursday, once that bastard has been sent to prison where he belongs, we’re going to America.”
“Fine,” I mumble, pinching the bridge of my nose. “But Kai and Dane are coming too. I’m not going all the way to… what state?”
“California.”
“Right, I’m not going all the way to California by myself.” Then I gasp, “Wait… I’m five months pregnant. Am I even allowed to fly?”
He’s silent again and still. I hear no tapping of keys or his breathing. “You’re pregnant?”
“You’re pregnant?” Kai and Dane ask at the same time, reminding me I haven’t yet disclosed that information to them.
Well, poo.
“Around twenty-two weeks,” I state, keeping my eyes on the floor. “I think… I need to confirm that with a doctor. I need a doctor.” A lightbulb pings in my head. “Can you get me a doctor?”
“I can.” He starts tapping away. “I can get you whatever you need.”
“Well… find out if I’m allowed to fly.” A huge part of me is hoping I’m not so I don’t have to go.
“This means you’ll definitely have to go,” Rep states, as though reading my mind. “We don’t want anybody questioning the paternity. For the sake of your child, this needs to be resolved.”
“It’ll never be resolved,” I say bitterly. “I’ll always have the scars. I’ll always have the memories. I’ll always have the fear that it will happen again.”
I shouldn’t be so angry at him; I’m just still so sensitive.
“I apologise. That was a careless choice of words, but I’m trying to help you get your privacy and your life back. Though with you being pregnant… I doubt you’ll get much of either.”
We end the call on an amicable note and Dane hands me a hot cup of chocolate, made with pure milk.
Kai puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. I snuggle into his warmth, holding my hot chocolate in a thermos, and sigh.
“It’s Lockhart’s kid, right?” He asks quietly.
I nod and he blows out a breath of relief. The air around us becomes much more relaxed.
Dane grins at us both like a cat that got the cream. “Do you know how much pussy we’re going to get if we have a baby strapped to us?”
Kai and I both stare at him like he just grew a third head.
“I’m just saying…” He shrugs, still smiling, unaffected by our disbelieving looks. “What does that mean about the music though? You’re not quitting, are you?”
I scowl at him. “Hell no I’m not. She can come on tour with us. I’m going to dress her in little biker boots and leather jackets and we’re going to teach her to play all of the instruments and make sure she’s well educated in good music and good reading.”
“Do you honestly think Lockhart will be down with that?” Kai puts in.
I sit up, sip my drink and declare, “He won’t have a choice.”
“I doubt he’s just going to let his kid be raised like that?” Kai curiously asks, his tone getting higher at the end.
“We’ll figure it out once Rebecca is gone.” I smile, patting my round stomach. “Everything will fall into place. I’ve had too many bad things happen this year for it to not fall into place.”
Kai pats my stomach too and speaks directly to my tum, “I’m going to be your favourite uncle and you’re going to be a drummer.”
“Not a chance,” Dane snaps, batting Kai’s hand away, making me laugh. He places his own hand on my stomach and speaks loudly. “If you like me the most I’ll sneak you chocolate before dinner.”
“Oh my God!” We both shout and he pulls his hand away.
“She just kicked!” I cry as he cries, “She bopped my hand! She definitely likes me more. She’s a girl, right? I like the name Danielle.”
“Kai is a girl’s name too.” Kai states, trying to feel for a kick.
“Stop fondling my stomach,” I laugh, standing and moving away from them both. “She’s going to love me the most and I’m not calling her Danielle or Kai. She’s going to have a name that’s unique, styled just for her.”
Dane shrugs. “Whatever you call her, I’m still going to be her favourite.”
I feel myself melting at the support my friends are showing me. I need it. I need some positivity in my life.
“So…” Kai suddenly rubs his hands together, an evil glint in his eye. “How are we going to get that bastard back for choosing that skanky ass bitch over Cerise?”
I blink at the sudden change in demeanour.
“You know about Rebecca and you didn’t tell me?” I squeak, all good feeling gone.
“We weren’t sure until you just confirmed it,” Dane replies quickly, raising his hands and showing his innocence through his widening eyes. “Have you seen him yet?”
I nod. “She was there.”
Kai suddenly hugs me from behind, then Dane hugs me from the front, making me a sandwich. They did this after the video was released too. There are few times in my life that they’ve done this, but it always affects me in such a warm way when they do.
“He’s got to pay,” Dane snaps, his head on my left shoulder.
“Agreed,” Kai grits out, his head on my right shoulder.
“I have such a good idea.” I whisper, shoving them both away from me and grinning maliciously. “It’s petty but it will make me feel so much better.”
“I’m listening.” Dane raises a brow.
Kai stands straight with his chin raised, ready for my mission.
“But we’re going to need snakes.”
“Snakes?” Dane looks as confused as Kai does.
I grin evilly. “Yup. Lots and lots of snakes.”
It takes three disguises, epic ninja skills, some last-minute shopping, four snakes, a window, a note and then four hours waiting for the victims to arrive. Sitting across the way, in the back seat of a borrowed black Range Rover, playing games on Kai’s tablet and listening quietly to music, we snigger to ourselves, getting tense whenever a car pulls up into one of the reserved spaces outside of Rebecca’s extremely expensive ground floor townhouse flat.
“What did the note say? I’m still not sure it was wise leaving something that could implicate us,” Kai mumbles and Dane hisses at him to lighten up.
“It read, ‘enjoy your five pet snakes, bitches’.”
They both look at me with confusion but it’s Kai that points out, “But we only dropped four through the window.”
I smile a smile that radiates evil. “I know. She’ll never be able to sleep in there again.”
“Fucking hell, Cerise,” Dane laughs, high-fiving me. “You’re pure evil.”
My stomach churns as I see Lockhart exit his car and round it to help Rebecca out. He holds out a hand and she takes it like a prissy little princess. From this distance I can’t see their faces clearly but I just know she’s batting her eyelashes at him like an idiotic anime character.
God, I hate her.
I hate that I’m so jealous of what she has after all she has done.
Lockhart dips his head and I almost vomit when I see him kiss her and watch her deepen it with her arms around his neck. He keeps his hands to himself, though. I have to wonder if it’s because he respects her more than he respected me, or if it’s because they aren’t as passionate as we were.
“Are you okay?” Kai asks softly, placing his hand on my wrist.
I shake him off, not liking being touched there because of my covered scars. They’re still sensitive despite the time I’ve had to heal.
Though it’s likely mostly mental.
“Can’t they hurry up and go inside?”
I watch avidly, unable to peel my eyes away as she grabs Lockhart’s tie with her bony fist and pulls him towards her place. She grins smugly when he follows her to the door and then I have to watch as he pins her against it and kisses her again.
Fuck.
I’m not sure this was worth it.
He shakes his head when he pulls back and I wonder what she’s said. I watch him pry his tie free of her grasp and go to move, but then he quickly snags the note off the front door. The very note I stuck there.
They talk for a moment, looking at the note before Lockhart waits for her to open the door and they both step inside.
Even from this distance we hear her shrill scream. It pierces the air and a little child who is walking with his mother across the road covers his ears.
“Yes!” I laugh, though after watching Lockhart in a passionate embrace with the whore who led me to my ruin, I just can’t seem to feel the laugh as much as I’d like.
So as Kai, laughing his arse off so hard, pulls the car out into the street, I roll down the window and order him to drive by slowly so I can key that bastard’s car.
I never claimed to be mature.
“OMG!” Dane yells, laughing even harder, and Kai puts his foot on the pedal.
“Shit,” I laugh, for real this time as I look at the flakes of black paint on the end of the metal Yale key. “I can’t believe I just did that!”
My body tingles with excitement.
That just happened.
I feel fucking wild!
“Let’s just hope nobody saw,” Kai says after a minute, making me and Dane collectively tell him to shut the fuck up and have some fun.
We finish the night off with KFC, McDonald’s, two tubs of ice-cream and an hour of gaming before I crash alone in my bed and they crash in theirs.
When I wake up, Rep is at my door with chocolates, flowers and my new phone.
Best first twenty-four hours back ever.