No!” Lockhart yells, sounding frantic.
How can I hear him when I’m dead?
“Please, Cerise,” he begs. “You have to save her!”
My body jolts. I don’t feel anything but I’m aware of it. I’m aware of his panicked voice. I’m aware but I’m paralysed.
I’m supposed to be dead.
“I love her. I can’t lose her, Enri… I don’t know what to do.”
Let me die. Let me go. Leave me be.
I scream and my body jolts again.
I hear beeping.
“We have a heartbeat. Get me that O neg NOW! She needs blood!”
NO I DON’T!
I fade but I feel locked tight to myself, like my soul is chained to a tether in my body. I’m desperate to go but I’m not allowed.
I’m not certain how much time passes as I’m stuck in this immoveable and dark limbo, but I’m grateful when I hear voices fade into my atmosphere.
“The baby looks well.” A woman says, sounding relieved.
It’s not supposed to be well!
“Wait… she’s pregnant? She can’t be. She told me she wasn’t!” I hear Lockhart yell.
“Get him out of here!” The same woman as before shouts.
“Mr Lockhart, Sir. You can’t be in here. You aren’t family. You aren’t her next of kin.”
“I’m not leaving,”
“Call security!” The woman snarls and then addresses him. “I can’t do what I have to do to save her life with you arguing with every decision I make. Mr Lockhart, please leave. You don’t want to see any of this.” The woman curses. “Shit! She’s flatlined again. Get the paddles! Where is that bloody O neg?”
“Come on,” I hear Enri say to Lockhart.
“She’s pregnant,” Lockhart murmurs, his tone one of disbelief. “Why would she do this? Does she hate me this much?”
I fade again but this time it’s reluctantly.
Lockhart sounded so desperate and defeated.
My guilt starts rearing its ugly head. Was I too hasty with this decision? Is this what I want anymore?
“Her parents aren’t coming.” Lockhart yells. “I’m all she has.”
I roar loudly in the echoing limbo of darkness when I start to fade again.
What have I done? Why am I being forced in and out of the situation? Either let me witness it all or don’t let me see it at all!
This is torture.
* * *
A light turns on and my eyes open immediately, not the slow blinking you see in movies on TV. I don’t slowly come back to consciousness. I’m pushed into it and it shocks me like jumping into a pool of ice cubes.
My chest is tight and there’s a constant cool blow of oxygen going straight into my nostrils. I feel a cool liquid trickling into my arm and look at the plastic tube sticking out of the side of my wrist.
I’m alive.
“You should have let me go,” I murmur, keeping my eyes off the man wearing a blood-stained shirt in my peripheral vision.
“You’re awake!” Lockhart sounds so relieved, it breaks me. “Gods, you’re alive.” He stands, places a hand on top of my head and kisses my forehead. His chest suddenly blocks my view and I realise it’s so he can reach the button that calls for a nurse.
“Don’t do that,” I snap, going to move my hands to push him away, but the pain in them is too much. They flop back onto the bed and I cry out.
“She’s awake,” he says to the nurse who pulls the curtain back.
She smiles kindly at me but I see the judgment in her eyes as she checks my vitals and my reactions.
“The doctor is on her way.” She smiles, ducking her head, unable to look at me directly as she leaves.
The doctor literally appears the second she closes the curtain behind her and when she speaks, I know it’s the same doctor who kept shouting at Lockhart. “You gave us quite a scare, Ms Branch.”
I’m surprised when she taps me on the nose, making me go cross eyed. “I have a few questions of course… as you can imagine, but I’m not going to bombard you with them now. What I am going to do is talk you through the procedure which we had to do to save you.”
“Should I be grateful?” I murmur, but she chooses to ignore me.
“Were you aware of your pregnancy?”
I nod. “I found out yesterday.”
“Okay.” She looks sympathetic when she responds, “The baby survived and doesn’t look to have suffered…”
“It’s not a baby; it’s a group of cells.” I correct. “Please don’t call it a baby.”
“Of course…”
“But it is a baby,” Lockhart snaps, his tone frustrated.
I look at him, forcing myself to meet his eyes. He looks so hurt but I can only take the burden of my own right now.
“It’s an innocent child… did you not think I should get a say in this?”
“Mr Lockhart,” The doctor warns as I stare blankly at him.
He stands and rests his hands on the back of his chair, gripping the handle for courage. “No, I know it’s soon and I know you’ve been going through a lot, but we can make this work. I wouldn’t mind a child.” When he hugs me gently, sitting on the bedside, the doctor frowns but he doesn’t stop. She lets him finish and I cry a silent tear when his lips touch the top of my head. “I know I said that your kids would be wild, but… I don’t care. This is a blessing. A light in this darkness. I love you…”
I’m about to break his heart. “It’s not yours.”
He squeezes me so tightly, unmoving and silent, and I wonder if his heart has stopped. “Say that again.”
I inhale a shuddering breath and say, louder this time, “It’s not yours.”
He’s away from me in the blink of an eye and the doctor leaps from her chair when he throws his at the wall. It breaks the hard surface, crumbling the brick beneath the sterile covering.
“MR LOCKHART!” She bellows. “REMOVE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!”
The curtain flies open and a blood covered Enri comes into view. He grabs Lockhart by the back of his collar, but Lockhart is already on his way out. He doesn’t look at me as he leaves and more tears fall from my eyes.
“Next time somebody tries to kill themselves,” I mutter, “let them go.”
“That’s not my job.” The doctor wipes away my tears with a balled-up tissue. “Do you want to talk about it? To me or to somebody from psych?”
I shake my head. “I just want to sleep.”
When she nods and stands, I’m surprised. But then she stops at the curtain and, with warm brown eyes on me, she says, “It gets better. Whatever it is, it gets better.”
“I don’t want it to.”
“I’ll send somebody in to discuss your options.” Her eyes flicker to my navel and I know what she’s saying. “You’re not alone. If you need anything, press that button and I’ll come. We’re in this together now.”
No we’re not, I think, but don’t say.
She leaves me alone and, with painful hands, I lift the rough blanket to my face and sob.