Up,” Lockhart orders, ripping open the curtains. “You need fresh air. It’s been nearly three days. Up!”
Has it been three days since the morning after? It feels like it all only happened five minutes ago.
“Come on, you need to get up and out.” He rips the blanket from my body and grabs my hand.
“Don’t touch me,” I snap, pulling it back to my chest and shuffling up the bed.
He raises his hands defensively. “Okay, Moody, get up.”
“Sorry, I’m just miserable.”
“Probably because you’re hungry.”
I force a smile and climb out of bed. He keeps distance between us as I dress and then go to brush my teeth. He doesn’t speak much as we leave the apartment either. I feel more human than I did when the cold air hits me but apart from feeling more human, I feel little else.
My face doesn’t change. I see a kitten in somebody’s window as we walk towards his car and I don’t smile.
A man trips up the curb and I don’t laugh.
It starts to rain and I don’t sigh.
Lockhart tucks me under his arm and I allow it because I’m not sure how to say no without upsetting him and causing drama that I can’t deal with right now.
“I am starving,” he says, kissing my temple and leading me around a burly-looking man with a large camera.
“How are you both today? What have you been doing? Is an engagement in the near future? Is it true you’re pregnant, Cerise?” He bombards us with question after question, which we ignore as always. We don’t even make eye contact, just go about our day silently until we’re in the car and moving.
“They’re getting worse. I hope I don’t have to have a permanent body guard.”
“There are worse things in the world to worry about than some dickheads with cameras,” I mumble, looking out of the window.
He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it. “You still poorly? I wish you’d let me take you to the doctor.”
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’m almost over it.”
“You’re the grumpiest poorly person I’ve ever met.”
“At least you got to escape me at work.” I point out, forcing a small smile. “Kai and Dane didn’t get that luxury.”
“I’d have stayed with you permanently if I could. You cling to me in your sleep.”
I frown with disbelief. “I do?”
“You haven’t let me go the past three nights,” he says, kissing my hand again. “I didn’t mind. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. Especially by Miss Frosty herself.”
“I’m not frosty.” I look down at the toes of my shoes and pull my leg up to do my loosening lace.
I’m shocked when he places his hand on my knee and gives it a squeeze. “We’re okay?”
“Sorry?”
“I asked if we’re okay. All jokes aside, you seem… off and not just because you’re ill.”
“I’m fine,” I respond robotically. “I’m just drained.”
“I really think you should see a doctor.”
I snarl at him, my eyes wide. “Just leave it already! I’m sick of fucking hearing about it. I’m fine! Maybe you’re the one with the problem.”
He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and I see a muscle tick in his jaw. He’s mad but he’s not replying. Part of me wishes he would so we could get into a screaming match and then I could break up with him.
Is that what I want?
Do I want to leave him?
A week ago, I was certain I was so in love with him it’d burn my heart with the intensity and the heat.
Now…
I don’t even know anymore.
We finish the journey in silence and eat our lunch in near silence, though I mostly prod mine with a fork. I’m just not hungry. I’ll eat food because I have to, not because I want to, so I do take a few bites but it tastes like ash in my mouth.
Lockhart doesn’t comment despite the fact I know he wants to.
It’s not like him to rein in his temper, though he did say he was trying to be different with me. Not that it matters now.
Now that I’m broken.
I give it a few days of my attitude before he gives up.
“We’re going to my parent’s this weekend,” he declares out of the blue.
“I have a gig on Saturday night.”
“We’ll be back in time for you to get ready for your gig.”
I nod, because at this point I can’t do much else.
He places his hand on my thigh, making me jump. “My parents really like you, Cerise. A lot.”
“And?”
“I just thought you’d want to know.”
“I’ve never been the kind to seek the approval of others, Tobias.”
He rolls his eyes and sighs. “I’ll take you home.”
“Yay.”
That same muscle ticks in his jaw but again he doesn’t say anything. I’m going to have to push him harder if I want to get a reaction from him.
“I won’t leave you alone this time, at the after party on Saturday.”
This time I roll my eyes. “I can take care of myself just fine.”
Or at least I could before I met him.
“I’m just trying to…”
“Well don’t! I’m not mad that you left me! Did I ever say I was mad? It’s like you want me to be mad. I’m not, so get fucking over it!”
“You’re starting to piss me off,” he admits. “So I’m going to drop you off at home, give you some space and hope you’ll cheer the fuck up.”
I flip him the bird, hating my irrational anger and bating of him.
“Really mature.”
* * *
Kai hands me the bowl of popcorn. I take a few kernels and hold them, tasting one on the tip of my tongue before popping it into my mouth and chewing. We’re watching an action movie. He makes funny commentary like he always does and I’m not laughing.
Why am I not laughing?
Am I truly so broken that I find nothing funny?
It doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Are you both ready for the gig on Saturday?” Dane asks, looking up from his phone. He’s been staring at that thing since he got home two hours ago. “You’ve not been practising. In fact, I haven’t seen you at the studio at all since last week.”
“Poorly.” I raise my hand.
“Busy, but I’m going in tomorrow.”
“You coming too?” Dane asks me.
I shake my head. “I shouldn’t overdo it. I’m worried I’ll relapse.”
“You played through an entire set the other week with a fever over forty…”
Shrugging, I stretch and then curl up into a protective ball in the corner of the couch. “Maybe that’s why I’m so poorly this week.”
“Yeah right,” Dane snaps, glaring at me, his fiery eyes catching the light of his phone in the dark. “Something happened to you that night. I’ve never seen you like that. Ever.”
“What night?” Kai asks cautiously, glancing between us both.
I can’t deny it but I can’t talk about it either. It’s too humiliating and it’s so unfair. Why did it happen?
Why to me?
What was he thinking?
I remember him apologising, saying how he didn’t mean for it to happen. Then why the fuck did it?
“Halloween. I found her sitting outside in the hall, a complete fucking mess.”
“Stop,” I snap. “Nothing happened. I was really drunk, I lost Lockhart, I came home pissed off, I got ill and I wallowed.” I stand to run from their probing gazes. “And now I’m going to bed.”
“Cerise,” Kai whines. “Don’t be like that.”
I ignore him, enter my room, slam the door and lock it. The second it shuts I open my mouth in a silent scream and drop onto my knees.
“Get yourself together,” I hiss at my knees. “Get yourself together!”
I just need to move on.
That’s all.
Just stop thinking about it and move on.
It’s got to be easier than I’m making it. So many other women have had it worse than me and probably pulled their shit together more easily. I’m being dramatic. I’m being obsessive.
I just have to move on.
Just move on.
“Move on,” I hiss, pinching my thigh and twisting so hard the pain is all I can focus on. It helps. Just a little. Not much, but it still helps.
* * *
“Can I borrow your car today?” I ask Lockhart, surprised to see that he’s come home at all after how I treated him yesterday. “If you’re not using it, of course?”
“Sure. We should look at getting you your own car.” He kisses my forehead tenderly, but that slightest touch makes me tense.
I keep chanting in my mind the same thing I chanted for the majority of the night last night as I lay there staring at the ceiling.
Just move on.
Just move on.
Just move on.
“I’ll just use yours; you have thirty of the bloody things.”
“I have four, not thirty.”
I smile feebly and wrap my arms around his waist from behind. He smells good, like fresh linen.
Fresh linen. I couldn’t breathe.
Fresh linen.
My stomach painfully lurches as I try to stop myself from throwing up. It doesn’t work. I’m over the bin and vomiting into the crackling black bin bag before I can form rational thought. What little breakfast I ate comes straight back up.
“That’s it, I’m taking you to the doctor,” Lockhart states, rubbing my back.
I bat him away, tensing with every jump of my stomach trying to expel the memory with the lining of it’s walls. “Stop touching me!”
“What’s up?” Kai yawns, coming into the kitchen just as I’m righting myself.
I rush to the bathroom to brush my teeth and Lockhart follows hot on my heels.
“Stop hovering around me, damn it,” I snap, slamming the door in his face and leaning over the basin.
“I’m just trying to help you.”
“Then leave me alone!” I yell back and scrub my teeth and gums with my tooth brush so hard it aches.
“I don’t know, man.” Kai shakes his head, his tone hushed, as he looks at me with guilty eyes. “Ask her yourself.”
Lockhart doesn’t look at me. He walks into the bedroom and nods for me to follow him.
Before he can start an argument, I blurt, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t keep… I’m being awful. I know.”
“There’s something wrong with us,” he hisses, slamming my bedroom door. That poor door has been abused a lot lately. “There’s something wrong with you.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re crying in your sleep; you’re vomiting daily…” his eyes widen and he takes a step back, his features set with surprise. “Are you pregnant?”
“No! I’m not bloody pregnant,” I yell, annoyed that he even came to that conclusion. “I’m just run down, tired, depressed or something. Just go. I’m being awful to you, so why are you still here?”
“Because that’s exactly what you want.” He looks around my room as though searching for answers. He’ll not find them in here, in my safe space. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re suffering. Why can’t you confide in me?”
“There’s nothing to confide. I’m fine, my life is great!” As I say it, my lower lip trembles. “I just need a break today from everyone and everything. Okay? I need space.”
“That’s why you want a car? For space? Are you prone to bouts of depression like this? Should I invest in a psychologist?”
Sitting on my bed, I lean back on my elbows and shake my head. “No. Just give me time. I’ll feel better tomorrow.”
He nods and pulls out his phone. “You can have the car but we’ll have to drive to the office first. Are you sure you’re feeling up to it?”
No.
“Yes. Let’s go.”
“Need a lift?” Lockhart offers to Kai when we step out of my room, hand in hand.
“I’m cool. I’m just going to chill here today.” Kai winks at me and adds, “Chill out, chicken, it’s only a commercial.”
My lips twitch and his face falls when he realises that’s all he’s getting from me. I’m affecting everyone around me. I’m hurting them all.
Fuck.
This isn’t what I want. This was never what I wanted.
I don’t want them to feel pain because of me.