I FELT ALIVE FOR the first time in years.
Hunter’s arms were wrapped tight around me, his warm breath was in my ear, and his strong, unwavering heartbeat was hammering against my chest. Nothing had ever felt more right. Not even when I first saw him all those years ago.
My head was blissfully silent. I knew the questions were close, lingering at the periphery and waiting to be unleashed. I just couldn’t make myself worry about them right now.
Not that it mattered. If Hunter’s Herculean grip around me was any indication, he wasn’t ready to let go either.
We stood like that for minutes… hours… hell, days could have passed and I wouldn’t’ve known the difference. All I could really make sense of was the fact that he was in my arms again, and it wasn’t going to matter when I was forced to let go, it would always feel too soon.
The sound of a blaring horn startled us, causing us both to step back and look down the street at the approaching vehicle barreling toward us. We’d been standing in the middle of street, but now we were on opposite sides, giving the incoming truck a wide berth. But at the last second, Hunter crossed to my side, very nearly missing the vehicle. My eyes were wide as a gust of air rushed past him, blowing the strands of his brown hair in my direction.
I was still processing the fact that he almost got hit by a car just so he could be on the same side of the street as me, when resounding laughter and close-by whispers broke through. Turning my head, I saw gossiping old ladies and another group of teenagers down the street.
My eyes fell back on Hunter, unable to stop myself from cataloguing all the differences between who he used to be and who he was now.
He was still that classical kind of handsome, with a chiseled jawline, perfectly styled hair, and impeccably well dressed. His skin was deliciously tan, just a little darker, which probably meant he was still working in outdoor photography, but the muscles rippling beneath were different. He was more defined now, his arms bulging underneath his black T-shirt and his legs filling out his jeans like they were made specifically for him.
I’d felt it when I hugged him, but I guess I hadn’t paid much attention. I was now. My eyes were greedy as they flitted across his body.
I wonder if he has a six-pack…
It was such a ridiculous thought; out of all the things to be worrying about, I was speculating over his abs. But in a way it made sense. That was easier to focus on.
Our gazes finally met, both of us done inspecting each other at the same time. I sucked in a breath at the myriad of emotions I saw swimming in his eyes.
They looked harder now, sad, like they hadn’t seen any real form of joy in years. And his lips were in a thin line—there was no slight tip indicating the start of my favorite smile.
Who is this man? I thought, even as my heart recognized him so clearly.
The body that was so much harder than before still poured affection into his hug.
And the eyes that were so much sadder still lit a fire within me.
And I would bet anything that the lips that looked so resigned would still kiss with just as much intensity.
He’d taken stock of me as well, and I wondered what he saw.
Did he notice that my hair was darker or that there were no new freckles on my face because I’d stopped spending so much time outside? Or that my body was more defined due to hours at the gym? Maybe he had spent a lot of time exercising just like I had, because it distracted him… helped him forget…
Could he tell that my life had been haunted? That for the past four years all I saw were ghosts? Of my parents? Of him? Of my life?
And the vain part of me wondered… did he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world?
Another car horn screeched, because even though we were mostly out of the way, we were still technically in the street. We didn’t look its way, and with a small nod of his head, we moved up onto the sidewalk in front of Stevie’s. Continuing our silence, we kept walking until we stopped next to the entrance, pivoting to face one another, less than a foot of space separating us.
I lost my breath all over again.
How was it possible that I was looking at the boy I loved, while also seeing a man I didn’t know?
Our eyes were locked on one another’s. Now was the time for talking… but I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. No, that wasn’t quite right. I could think of plenty to say, but I didn’t know where to start or what was appropriate.
I mean, what was the etiquette for conversation when you saw the love of your life who’d been missing for four years?
Hey! didn’t exactly seem to cut it.
As Hunter’s jaw worked, I realized he must be thinking the same thing. He was as disorientated as I was; but how could he be? The one question I was most terrified to ask was the one only he knew the definite answer to. It was sitting on my tongue, begging to be let free. Syllables were crawling up my throat, only to be banned by the tight, stubborn seal of my lips.
Just as Hunter opened his mouth, a phone rang. He retrieved it from his pocket and hit ignore, not once taking his eyes off me. But a second later it started up again, and with a pained expression he looked down at it before answering.
“Yes, I’m here,” he said after the person on the other end responded to his hello.
I didn’t hear the particulars of the conversation. I just focused on the deep rumble that settled inside me, filling a hole I hadn’t realized was there. So many parts of me felt hollow over the years, it would have been impossible to count them all. There were so many things to miss.
I hadn’t realized his voice was one of them.
I was still staring at his lips when I realized they weren’t moving anymore, save for a slow smile spreading across his face.
“That was Maria.” He held up his phone for further explanation. “She’d asked me to pick her up something and wanted to know where her food was.”
“Oh,” I said. Yes, that was the first thing to come out of my mouth.
“I told her I ran into you. She seemed incredibly unsurprised and told me not to worry about it.”
I cleared my throat, trying to think of something more than oh. “Is she sure?”
“I’d think so, she didn’t even know what she wanted. Told me to pick. Seems like a setup if you ask me.” He raised his eyebrows.
Nodding, I put the pieces together. That was why Maria was so adamant about how long I stay at the restaurant. “So… uh, what were you going to get for her?”
“Probably a BLT. They were always pretty good here.”
I nodded in agreement.
What the hell is happening?
How was this the first conversation we were having? We might as well throw in the weather and a “how ‘bout that Cubs game last night?”
This was ridiculous.
But then Hunter smiled, like he was thinking the same thing, and suddenly I didn’t care so much about being an idiot or how stupid this conversation was.
“I ordered a bunch of food, if you wanna…?” I trailed off and hooked a thumb toward the window.
Hunter got serious as he cleared his throat and nodded. He placed a warm palm against my lower back, and I felt it everywhere.
The familiarity of it was strange. I recognized the hand, the tingling that crawled up my spine… but something felt off. Like his hands were coarser, and he was pressing just a little harder than normal. It was like a pair of your favorite pants being discontinued, only for the company to bring them back years later with a few changes.
We both had changed, and I had no idea how we were going to fit together again. Would it be as great as I remembered? Or would everything feel wrong and uncomfortable?
It hurt to think of myself feeling uncomfortable around Hunter.
We made our way to the table, our knees knocking as we slid into the booth.
“Sorry.”
“My bad.”
Our resulting laughs were awkward and forced. I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t expecting this. I knew there were questions that needed to be answered and pains that had to heal. I just didn’t believe I would feel this lonely.
Maybe the feeling would abate once I had some answers. A warm body wasn’t enough to take away the years of sorrow and anger. Derek was right. I deserved answers.
I deserved to know how he could leave me when I had already lost so much.
I deserved to know where he’d been and what the hell he’d been doing.
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I rubbed my hands over my thighs and prepared myself for the answers I both wanted and feared in equal measure. But before I could, he threw out a question of his own.
“How did you end up liking Carillo?”
The words made me momentarily freeze. I looked around to see if I had anything with me that might indicate where I went to school. There was nothing. We had been planning to go there, but how did he know I’d follow through? How was he so certain? Hunter realized his mistake, solidifying in his seat as he waited for my response.
“I loved it,” I whispered. It hurt that he knew where I’d been, but I didn’t want the little anger I felt to outweigh everything else. Clearing my throat, I shifted around in my seat. “I stayed pre-med, majoring in biology, and I got accepted into the medical school in Carillo. I start in two months.”
My heart almost burst at the look of pride in his eyes. “That’s amazing, Sherry. Seriously, your parents…” He looked away again and cleared his throat. “Your parents would be so proud of you.”
I couldn’t keep the pain out of my voice when I asked, “What about you? What did you end up doing?”
He gave me his eyes again, a ghost of a smile gracing his lips, as he answered, “I became a photographer.”
“Really?” I asked, my smile soft and genuine.
“Yeah. It allowed me the freedom to move around, see different things…”
The freedom to move around…
I bit my lip.
I was stuck.
It was an automatic thought, but there was nothing pliable about the next several years of my life. I’d be in Carillo for the next four years at least, and who knew where I’d be after that. I’d go wherever I had to in order to complete my residency. And even then, we couldn’t “move around,” we’d stay in that city for years.
I shook my head. We had too much baggage from the past and too much to deal with in the present for me to be worrying about the future.
“That’s awesome,” I said, grasping for something to say. “We both got what we wanted.”
Our eyes met, and another frozen moment passed between us while we let those words sink in.
Was this what we were reduced to now? One of the things I loved about Hunter was how easy talking to him was; I didn’t like this game of minefield we were suddenly playing.
There were too many unknown variables, and one wrong move could destroy everything.
The boy I loved was gone. And the girl he loved was gone.
In his place was a man I was certain I could still love.
But could he still love me?
Round and round my thoughts went. My brain was a proverbial Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
Have I gone mad?
Without looking at him, I slid out of the booth and mumbled, “I’ll be right back. I just have to, uh, use the bathroom.” I pointed in the direction behind me. Unable to keep my eyes away, I met his only to see his face pinched with worry.
“Yeah, take your time.”
Without another word, and as calmly as I could, I walked down the hall.
Once I locked myself inside, the air that had been so readily available earlier fled. I was suffocating on the idea that maybe this reunion would be all we got. Maybe there was too much in our past and my anger would end up overpowering everything else. Maybe there was no happily ever after in store for us after all. Maybe there was no second chance.
She got up from the table, her long strides carrying her away from me. And I had the overwhelming, if not ridiculous, urge to follow her. To stand outside her stall and stare at her feet until she came out again. There was a tightening in my chest that told me not to let her out of my sight. Regardless, I sat still, hands twitching and one leg bouncing as I impatiently waited for her to come back to me.
What about you? What did you end up doing?
The words came back unbidden, the pain in her voice nearly slicing me in two. She’d tried to hide it, but I heard. I heard how much I had hurt her. I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her how sorry I was, how much I missed her and wanted her back. There were so many questions left to be answered about our past, but I was desperate for answers concerning our future.
Why are you here, Sherry?
Do you want to leave this town together?
Will we spend the rest of our lives together, just like we planned?
She looked so different, and yet the same. And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I still loved her. All it took was her lifting her gaze to mine, piercing me with those bright green eyes that never failed to tell me what she was feeling.
But what if she couldn’t love me anymore? What if she was still with that guy?
I shook my head; those thoughts were too big for right now.
Guilt weighed heavy on me as I kept my eyes on the bathroom door.
Growing up, Sherry had never shied away from her feelings. If she was mad, she told you. If she was happy, she showed you. She never buried her feelings like she was clearly doing now.
She never ran away or hid in the bathroom.
This felt like my fault. She’d still be that open person if it hadn’t been for me. Her affection had been reserved for only a handful of people; would that still include me?
Her parents death broke her, and what if the way she put herself back together made her a completely different person? One I didn’t know? One who didn’t love me anymore?
God, this felt impossible.
My eyes were still glued to the bathroom door when it opened and she stepped out. Sherry walked back and sat down, her gaze moving to the table next to us where a waitress was cleaning up.
“I think I’ve been taking up this table for long enough,” she said. I looked around; there were plenty of other open tables and no one was waiting, but I understood what she was saying.
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat of its raspiness before continuing. “C’mon, I’ll walk you back.” I threw some money on the table, glaring at her when she tried to add her own. After we realized we were staying at the same hotel, we wordlessly headed in that direction. It was close, only a five-minute walk from the diner.
The hotel had just come into sight when I said, “I’m not the same person I was four years ago.” It was an obvious statement—people were changing all the time, and given what we went through and the fact that those four years were very defining in any person’s life, it was a well, duh statement.
But she didn’t point any of that out. Instead she whispered, “I’m not either.”
We looked at each other.
Is she warning me?
Am I warning her?
It used to be so easy to deduce what she was thinking; now, I hadn’t a clue. How can someone you once knew so intimately feel like an absolute stranger?
Our steps instinctively slowed. We were too close to goodbye and I didn’t know how I’d be able to leave her. I abruptly stopped and gently grabbed her arm to turn her toward me.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
Her features softened. “Yeah. We have a lot to talk about.”
“I’ll swing by around nine?” I wanted as much time with her as I could get, and that seemed the safest.
Sherry smiled, hopefully thinking the same thing. “Sounds good.”
We stopped by her room and I watched her slide the key in before it clicked and the light turned green. She didn’t look at me as she stepped inside and hugged the door to her side.
“Good night, Hunter.”
I swallowed roughly. “Good night.” Unable to help myself, I leaned forward and quickly kissed her forehead. When I pulled back, I was grateful to see the happiness on her face.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” She was still smiling when she shut the door, taking my sanity with her. The amount of energy I had could power a small city. Between my anxiety at being away from her and the huge onslaught of feelings coursing through me, I definitely wasn’t sleeping tonight.
I slowly stepped away, not turning my back until the last second, and made my way down the hall to my room. Laying my head against the outside door, I thought about all we’d been through, everything we’d felt.
And how I thought I could forget about it all.
There was a hole in my heart, a giant piece of me that had been missing for the last four years, and until my talk with Maria I wasn’t sure I’d ever be brave enough to get it back. Now, standing here, I realized how truly stupid I’d been.
Four years was too long to go without the one who made you feel complete. How did I expect to make it through my entire life?
Truthfully I never thought I could. But by the time I had gotten myself together, by the time I was ready to be who she deserved, she had already found someone else. And it had seemed selfish to go after her, knowing she was happy. But now there was nothing I could do.
My love for Sherry had been a shout across the silent night. Standing back here, in this town with her, was like being in a canyon. That shout became an echo, and that love sounded like a deafening, never-ending roar.