I knocked lightly on his door, part of me hoping he wouldn’t hear it because despite all the “progress” I’d apparently made, I was still me and I was still scared shitless. But he did hear it and he was surprisingly quick to answer.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
I waited for him to do something, say something, but he didn’t, he just stood there staring at me like I might disappear. And even though I wasn’t looking forward to it, I knew I needed to lead the conversation instead of merely following him. “Can I come in?” I nodded toward his living room.
“’Course,” he said with an easy smile. He stepped aside and extended his arm toward the living room. Once we were both inside he assured me no one was home and offered me some water.
“I’m all right,” I said. But when I tried to swallow I realized it felt like thousands of cotton balls had been shoved in my mouth, forcing me to reconsider. “Actually, water would be great, thanks.” He walked over to the fridge and seemed to linger a little longer than necessary before he grabbed two bottles and sat on the couch, at the opposite end. We were so far apart we were practically sitting on the armrests, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it merely felt like a necessary distance. I knew if he was too close it would make this harder and more emotional.
I took the water bottle he held out and looked at the couch cushion between us before speaking. “You were great with Meg last night. She really likes you.”
“It was easy, she seems like a great kid.”
“She is. Of course she has her brat moments, but for the most part she’s always so damn happy.” We both started laughing, a little uncomfortable and a lot forced. It quickly faded when I looked up and our eyes met, reminding me why I was there.
I cleared my throat and shifted until I felt comfortable. “You know, when I was a kid I was like that. I was so unbelievably happy. I wouldn’t need anyone to make me happy either; I would just make up imaginary friends and spend hours in my room, essentially talking to myself. I think that’s one of the hardest things, trying to figure out how that happy little girl became me.” I swallowed and continued staring down as truth after truth fell from my lips. “The irony of all this is that when I was in high school, before it happened, I thought what most people do. That people were exaggerating it or not trying hard enough.” I let out a small, defeated laugh as I thought back to how ignorant I was. “Sometimes I think this is my punishment for being so stupid.”
He shook his head and shifted around like he wanted to move closer. “You can’t help what you didn’t know.” I nodded, unconvinced before he continued on, “You weren’t stupid. Seeing things differently is just a part of growing up. And I’m not going to pretend to understand why life hands out the shit it does to the most undeserving of people.”
I nodded and shifted the tiniest bit closer. “Maybe I could understand if there was a reason. But it’s like I’m drowning with no idea how I even got in the water.”
He nodded like he understood. “I was talking to Sam—”
“You told your sister?” I asked, my voice shaking with the obvious panic I felt. His face paled and his eyes widened as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find a way to retract his words.
He fidgeted before scooting forward a little; we still weren’t touching, but he was slowly bridging the gap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even… I just needed someone to talk to, and Sam’s always been there. You can trust her. She won’t say anything and she didn’t think any differently about you. If anything, she admires you more, just like I do.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, but they immediately flew open when I felt him grab my hands. I met his stare only inches from my face.
“I’m sorry. I want you to trust me.”
“I do,” I quickly assured him.
He nodded his relief and gently squeezed my hands. “What are you more afraid of? That I’ll want to be with you… or that I won’t? Because it seems to me that either option is terrifying for you,” Gabe said softly.
Bull’s-eye.
I shrugged and moved my eyes from his. “I’m not afraid of being in a relationship with you,” I said softly. “I’m afraid that you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve made a mistake. I’m afraid that you want to be with someone who doesn’t actually exist, that you’ve only seen part of the picture and you believe that the rest will match what you’ve already seen. But it won’t, and that would be worse than not being with you at all.”
“After all this time you think I don’t know you?”
“I don’t even know if I know who I am half the time.” I shook my head and removed my hands. “Sometimes I feel fragmented, like all I have are a bunch of random pieces that don’t fit together anymore. I want to give you all of me. But will you want all of me when you realize I’m in pieces?” I grabbed my water bottle and started picking at the label.
“What else?” His voice was so low I could barely hear it; he was probably afraid I’d stop talking, but at that point I really had nothing else to lose.
“I’m also afraid that maybe you do know me and maybe even accept me, but one day I’m going to hurt you anyway.”
He slowly shook his head, reaching for my face this time instead of my hands. “No one’s perfect, Alara. You think there aren’t things about me that will be difficult?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “You’re just scared, like anyone else entering a relationship, and until you admit that that’s all this is you’re always going to find a reason to push me away.”
This was sounding remarkably familiar… “Have you been talking to Sherry?” I asked with a raised brow, the skepticism heavy in my voice.
A broad grin took over his face and I couldn’t help but smile back, because even though I wanted to run and hide and be comfortable in the routine of my everyday life, I also wanted him. And for once, I really didn’t want to take the coward’s way out.
He must have seen the acceptance in my eyes because his smile widened, if that was even possible, and his eyes lit up. And then he was leaning forward. I could feel his lips before they even touched mine, like an extra sense kicking in to heighten the experience, like how your sense of smell helps you taste food before it even touches your tongue. But the second his lips touched mine I forgot about extra senses, and pretty much everything else, because nothing compared to the feeling of his lips on mine.
At first his lips were slow, like he was savoring me and reassuring himself I was really there. His hands slowly ran down my neck until they were pushing off the jacket I had yet to remove. Once my arms were free I wound them around his neck, pulling him down on top of me. The second we were horizontal his hands became more frenzied as his lips wandered down my neck.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as his lips closed over my collarbone in a soft kiss. I moaned in response and arched my back, wordlessly asking him to move his mouth elsewhere. Gabe quickly sat up, bringing me with him before removing both our shirts in two pulls. I watched them land on the floor as he gently pushed me back down, his mouth eagerly picking up where it left off.
His soft, slow kisses traveled down my chest until he reached my bra and he suddenly stopped. When he lifted his head and our eyes collided I felt his gaze on every part of me, like he was looking at more than just the physical things he saw. He was looking at my past, my future, my failings, my success, my ugliness, and my beauty.
Very deliberately he brought my left hand up and kissed the center of my scar, and my breath faltered as his gaze became even more intense. “You’re beautiful,” he repeated. Slowly nodding my head, I relaxed back into the couch as he began kissing a path above my bra, outlining its shape until he reached the other side.
I’d noticed him looking at my scar before, but he’d never said a thing. Even now, after all I’d told him and all he could assume, he still just accepted it, kissed it, and told me I was beautiful. And all of a sudden I wanted to cry because of how perfect it was, him telling me that even the worst part of me was beautiful.
Awkwardly moving my arms behind my back, I removed my bra before grabbing his neck and crashing his lips to mine in a hungry kiss. His moan rumbled in my chest as my sensitive nipples brushed his skin, forcing out a moan of my own. Unashamed, I grabbed his head and guided him down until he was hovering over my very erect nipple. I felt his chuckle a second before he latched on and sucked hard. A loud whimper left me as I lifted my hips, seeking some kind of friction.
“Tell me what you want,” he whispered as he placed a kiss in the valley between my breasts. After paying equal attention to my other nipple, he raised his head and looked at me expectantly.
“W-what?” I stuttered.
He laughed before placing a chaste kiss on my lips. “Tell me what you want.” One hand tangled in my hair as the other ghosted down my stomach and undid the button on my jeans. The sound of the zipper felt loud as my breathing stopped with the brush of his fingers against my damp panties.
“I want everything.”
He smiled as he carefully pulled my legs free one by one and settled back over me; the only things left between us were my underwear and his pants. “Good, because I want everything too. But right now…” He trailed off as his fingers teased and ghosted over the increasingly wet material. “What do you want?”
My breathing picked up as my brain caught on. “I-I want your m-mouth.” My face felt warm with embarrassment, but as I thought about his hot, wet tongue sliding over and into me, I couldn’t regret my request. I’d never had anyone go down on me before, but it was the one thing I’d always wanted to try.
Gabe’s hand stilled and his eyes widened, like he hadn’t actually expected me to say anything. But a second later a self-satisfied grin spread across his face as he grabbed my hips, lifting me off the couch and into his arms. I let out a startled and strained laugh as I wound my legs around his waist and clutched his shoulders.
“Yes ma’am,” he whispered before biting my earlobe and moving us toward his bedroom. He stopped at the end of the bed before releasing me. We both let out soft groans as I slid torturously slow down his body until my feet hit the floor. He stepped away to shut and lock the door before turning on a dim light in the corner across the room.
When he walked back, he stopped just out of reach as his gaze roamed down my body. A few minutes later he spoke, and his voice was low and hoarse as he commanded, “Sit on the edge of the bed.” I silently obeyed as he removed his pants and kneeled in front of me. He began rubbing his hands up and down my thighs, each time bringing them closer to the apex at the top. After what felt like an eternity, he slowly slid my panties off and threw them behind him. His eyes flared as he stared at my wet core, causing my breath to falter before I fell back on my forearms and stared down at him.
He licked his lips and drew me forward until my butt was teetering at the end of the bed. With his eyes on mine, he slowly moved forward until he was hovering right there, and I bit my lip in anticipation. One soft, slow swipe of his tongue had my head falling back and my eyes rolling into the back of my head as a low moan tore through my throat. I opened my eyes just in time to see his smirk fade as he lowered his mouth again and began a steady rhythm of licking and kissing. He alternated between the inside of my thighs, my slit, and my clit, driving me mad with the slowness.
“G-Gabe.” I don’t know how I managed to get that out between the heavy pants but I did, and his name seemed to be the magic word. His grip on my thighs tightened as he moved his mouth to my clit and sucked hard. I whimpered as my hips bucked into his face. He removed his mouth and brought his hand up to lick his fingers before slowly inserting two. My arms trembled as his mouth found my clit once more, gently sucking as his fingers slowly began to move.
“Oh, oh, oh, God,” I moaned as I fell flat onto my back. Gabe started moving faster, pumping his fingers in and out in quick, short thrusts while his tongue flicked my clit. My body reacted instinctively as my legs curled up by his ears and my hands fisted his comforter.
I stiffened as pleasure shot up my spine and I shuddered out my release. Despite all the embarrassing moans and screams that led up to it, my orgasm was soundless as I came on his hand and mouth. Gabe slowly helped me down as he continued applying light pressure and a slow drag of his fingers. Sated, I melted back into the bed as he crawled over my body and kissed me languidly. “Mmm,” he murmured. “That was perfect.”
I chuckled and he pulled away, giving me a mock scowl. “Babe, when a man eats you out, you’re not supposed to laugh.” He was still giving me a fake glare as he got up and went into his adjoining bathroom. Gabe returned a second later with a wet cloth and began cleaning me off. I smiled and ducked my head, suddenly shy despite the fact that he had his freaking face there five minutes ago. Laughing at myself, I closed my eyes and threw my arm over them.
“What did I just say about the laughing?” He tossed the cloth into his hamper before gathering me up in his arms and moving us up the bed.
“Sorry,” I said, not sounding sorry at all. I somehow found the energy to lift myself up and give him a kiss. Thankfully he met me halfway and after a few minutes of slow, drugging kisses we pulled apart. “It was perfect.” I frowned as I traced his lips with my fingers. “But you didn’t get anything out of it.”
He raised his eyebrows at my frown. “Nothing out of it?” His shook his head like my words were insane. “Just being with you is enough.”
“But I want to reciprocate.”
“Well I certainly won’t stop you.” He laughed and gestured toward his tented boxers. And of course I picked that moment to yawn. Gabe only laughed harder as he moved us under the covers. “Just sleep,” he said against my temple right before he placed a light kiss there.
I might have mumbled something before I dropped off, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what. Everything felt perfect as I drifted into sleep, and the last thought I had was…
There couldn’t possibly be a better dream waiting for me than the one I was leaving behind.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had a wet dream. Probably when I was fifteen, and it was a little embarrassing to be having one now, even if I was ridiculously turned on when I went to sleep last night. As consciousness slowly seeped in, I became increasingly aware of the fact that I wasn’t actually having a wet dream.
Slowly lifting my head, I glanced down to see Alara’s warm mouth wrapped around the tip as her blonde hair softly caressed my thighs. A moan tore from my throat as she lightly sucked before releasing me with a pop.
“Morning.” Her voice was hoarse as she smiled.
“Good gahhhh…” My own greeting became a cry as her hand gripped the base and she covered the rest with her mouth. Her laughter caused a pleasant vibration that had me fisting her hair and pulling her closer. She moaned around me as she began to set a rhythm with her mouth and hand in tandem. Pausing to catch her breath, her hand took over at a frantic rate as her lips migrated to my stomach, where she placed soft and gentle kisses. I was right on the edge when her hand suddenly stopped. I panted out a curse and barely resisted pulling her hair when I looked down at her. Her eyes were bright as she looked up at me before she very deliberately slid back down my body until she was eye level with my cock. She licked her lips, gradually dragged her flat tongue along the underside, and then swirled around the tip. Groans and grunts poured from my mouth when she kissed it gently and softly wrapped her lips around it with a light suck.
“Jesus Christ, Alara. You have no idea how absolutely stunning you look right now.” Her eyes never left mine as she slowly took me in her mouth again and gained speed, bringing her hand up to help once more. Just as the pressure rose to an almost unbearable peak and electricity shot through me, Alara’s hand dove under and she gently rolled my balls in her palm as she continued to move her mouth faster.
When the pleasure built to unbearable levels, I grabbed her shoulders and hauled her up, crushing my lips to hers as I came on our stomachs. All too soon she wrenched her mouth from mine and turned her head away, her heavy breaths falling on my shoulder.
My fingers lightly traced her spine as our breaths quieted and the room fell silent. She brought her hand to my shoulder and began tracing circles until I gripped it and kissed her palm. I hovered above her scar and gave it three more quick kisses before releasing it.
“It was an accident,” she whispered suddenly. My hands stilled and my body went rigid. “You never asked, but…” She trailed off as she moved away from me and wrapped the sheet around her.
I slowly sat up until my back was flush against the headboard. “Have you ever tried?” I asked around the lump in my throat. She immediately shook her head. I released the breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding, but my relief was short lived as I asked my next question. “Have you thought about?” This time Alara looked away, ashamed and afraid as she slowly nodded. It seemed surreal that only ten minutes ago I had a mind-blowing blow job and now we were talking about suicide.
“Not like with an actual plan or anything, I just used to think about the concept. I just wanted…” She paused and took a deep breath. Her shoulders caved in and she looked defeated as she picked at the sheet. “I wasn’t really sad. I know that’s what everyone thinks depression is. But it’s not, at least not for me. I mean, yeah, I got sad but I could usually see an end to it. I never felt like the sadness would kill me.”
“What did you think would kill you?” I asked in a strained voice.
“Apathy, when I looked at the future and couldn’t see anything. Nothing is worse than seeing nothing.” Her voice had drifted to an inaudible level by the time she finished.
I cleared my throat, forcing her heartbreakingly unsure gaze up. “You know, when my mom got sick and we were told it was terminal, I felt a little relieved. Not because she was sick, obviously, but because at least we knew. We knew how much time we had. We had answers. Some people don’t get that; they’re constantly wondering and getting their hopes up. But we knew and I thought, well at least we have time to prepare.” I shook my head and let out a humorless laugh. “But it didn’t really matter, because deep down I was still hoping. I heard all the doctors, read all the statistics, and saw all the scans… yet I still hoped she would get better.
“Because even when we tell ourselves we’re not hoping, we are. It’s human nature to hope, it’s an unconscious effort like breathing or blinking. Your body just needs it.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as I thought of the phone call that told me I’d never see my mother again. When I heard Alara sniffle, my eyes flew open. “I’m just trying to say… I get it. I may not understand everything, but I understand what it’s like to completely lose hope in everything, even if for just a short period of time.”
She gave me a sad smile as she shuffled closer and wrapped an arm around my waist. I pulled her in closer and squeezed her to me like she might disappear if I didn’t have a tight hold.
“Will you tell me more?” I asked softly.
“More what?” she whispered against my chest.
“More about what it feels like.”
She was quiet for a moment before she placed a soft kiss above my heart and spoke. “It’s weird to explain. I know a lot of people always comment on how unexpected a suicide was, but I never really understood that. There’s no hard and fast deathblow that suddenly makes someone decide to do that. Depression… it kills you slowly. It gradually takes away all the things that mattered, it takes piece after piece and you don’t even notice until you’re nothing but a shell of who you were.
“So you feel hollow, but also completely weighed down, like there’s lead attached to your feet and you’re constantly being pulled under. And then suddenly you’ll be free. You’ll be weightless and it’s amazing, but inevitably you start thinking about when you’ll go under again. And so you sit and wait, you watch as it adds weight after weight until you’re back in that place that no one should ever have to experience.”
My heart broke as she continued, and I wanted to beg her to stop but I knew I couldn’t. I’d asked, and even if I didn’t want to hear, I had to hear because this girl had been silent for too long.
“It’s confusing and scary.” She stopped and sucked in a lungful of air when I felt the first tear fall. I held her tighter. “I feel like I don’t know who I am sometimes. And it’s so damn hard, because it’s in my brain and I never know what part of it is me and what part is this disease. I never know if I’m just this crazy, uncaring bitch or if it’s part of having depression. I don’t know,” she sobbed as a few more tears hit my skin. “And people don’t believe me. People tell me I want attention or that I’m just overreacting. People make me feel worse about this thing that is already so hard.
“They tell me I don’t need medication and that it’s just doing more harm than good, but I can’t b-believe that because h-honestly I feel more l-l-like myself when I’m taking it than I e-ever do when I’m n-not.” She stopped speaking as her tears won out and she cried harder against my chest. I gripped her arms and pulled her more firmly against me as she calmed herself down, and within a matter a minutes she was silent again and breathing deeply.
“But I never want to give up.” Her voice was raw when she spoke again, and she cleared it before continuing once more. “Every time I have an episode, it makes me want to work harder, be better, love more, laugh more, and be grateful for the simple things in life.” Relief coursed through me, and I didn’t realize how terrifying this conversation had been until she said those words. I dropped a kiss on her temple as I rubbed her lower back.
“Sometimes it’s as simple as seeing an old couple holding hands. I don’t even need to know them to know they have had struggles to overcome. Life has not always been easy for them. They have lost someone they loved, probably more than one someone. They have cried. I don’t doubt it for a second. And even though I never saw their heartache and I don’t know the particulars, I know that happiness isn’t all they’ve seen, despite the happy pictures I see now. But they’ve survived. They’re walking down the street, smiling like they’ve never had troubles and holding hands like they’ve done it a million times, like it’s as natural as breathing. And I have hope that I can have that someday.”
She pushed off my chest and leaned up to look down at me. “This thing sucks, Gabe. But it’s not always clouds and sadness and pills and pain. I know for a long time I let it define me, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to tell people I have depression and that be the only thing they see, as if it that’s the only thing that makes me who I am. It’s not. I didn’t tell you all that to freak you out or make you think that’s how it is for me all the time, because it’s really not. I haven’t felt most of that for over nine months. You asked and I thought you deserved to know, but—”
“That’s not all you are,” I finished for her as I placed my fingers over her soft, pink lips. She smiled against them and gave them a kiss before I lowered them.
“Yeah.” She worried her lip as her smile was replaced with a slight grimace. I only saw it for a second before she laid her head against my chest again, hiding her face. “Can I ask you a question now?”
“Yeah?” I mumbled against her hair as I breathed her in.
“How do you know you’re not going to change your mind? That you’re not going to decide my problems aren’t worth it if someone less damaged comes along?” she asked softly. There was no trace of insecurity, but I did hear the catch in her voice.
“Someone less damaged? There’s no such thing, you just said so yourself. Everyone faces struggles, and even if there were someone out there that doesn’t, I wouldn’t want her. I want you.” I pulled back when I felt wetness on my chest again. But this time as I wiped away the few fallen tears, they looked more like relief than sadness. “I’d take your tears over someone else’s smile any day. I just want to be wherever you are. Even if that’s crying on the bathroom floor.”
She gave me a genuine smile and nodded before placing a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Thank you.”
I looked down at her left hand, to the scar she had been unconsciously rubbing, and took it in mine. “And this scar doesn’t make you damaged. It’s proof of living—and we’ve all got them—we just can’t always see them.”
We had been lying in each other’s arms for about thirty minutes when she spoke again. “I’m really, really happy, Gabe.”
I laughed because despite our previous conversation, I’d never felt lighter. “Does that have something to do with me?”
“Nope,” she said on a laugh as she lifted her head to look at me. I stuck my bottom lip out in a fake pout. Her laughter faded but her soft smile remained as she brushed her fingers over my lips. “It has everything to do with you.”
…
We spent the afternoon relaxing on the couch, and it was about one o’clock when Derek finally wandered out of his room. Mumbling a hello, he walked into the kitchen, returning moments later with painkillers and a bottle of water.
He groaned as he looked over at us before tossing back the pills. “Sherry’s right, you guys are nauseating,” he said before returning to his room.
Alara shrugged as she began combing her fingers through my hair. We had finally gotten out of bed two hours ago and decided just to hang around the apartment and watch TV. She was sitting on the far end of the couch while I was laying down with my head resting on a pillow in her lap. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and as a commercial for the Macy’s Day Parade came on, a thought occurred to me.
“Where are your parents?” I asked.
She frowned as she looked down at me. “What do you mean? They’re at home…”
“Yeah, but where’s home? You never really talk about them.”
“Oh, they live in northern California. We grew up here, in Carillo, but once I started college they moved up there for my dad’s work.”
“You’re not close? I know you talked about your dad a little…”
She gave me a sad smile as her fingers started applying more pressure, gently rubbing circles into my temples, causing her smile to slip from my sight as my eyes closed. “We haven’t been close in recent years, no. But it’s just been a matter of how busy we all are. Dad’s working on a grant right now and Mom has been trying to open her own clothing boutique. We’re not on bad terms or anything, but unfortunately we just haven’t had time…” Her fingers stopped, forcing my eyes open. “God, that must sound horrible to you.”
I shook my head and grabbed her hand. “It makes me sad, but I understand. I was that way right up until my mom got sick. I think we’re all like that at some point. I don’t think you’re horrible.”
Alara bent down to kiss my lips right as the door swung open and Naomi came charging in. She smirked when she saw us and hollered for Derek.
“Christ, Naomi. I’m hungover as fuck, could you keep your fucking voice down?” Derek grumbled as he came out.
She shrugged and said, “Sorry.” Not looking or sounding sorry in the least. “I hope you two don’t think you’ll be doing that shit all day.” She waved in our direction. “I’m all caught up on homework and Derek and Gabe have today off, which means it’s an all day Sunday Funday.” She laughed as she animatedly rubbed her hands together with glee.
Alara frowned. “What about Sherry?”
“She can’t make it tonight.”
“She’s okay, though?” When Naomi nodded and told us that Sherry was attending a special lecture presented by the medical school, Alara relaxed and looked down at me. “What about Sam? Do you think she’d want to come?”
She said it so casually, and I couldn’t help the goofy grin that took over my face. Regretfully, I sat up and Alara’s hands fell from my hair. I pulled my phone out and sent Sam a text before wrapping my arm around Alara’s shoulders and kissing her temple.
“I’m too hungover to do anything, Naomi,” Derek said as he padded back toward his room.
“We’re going to the State Fair!” Naomi announced and started clapping. Derek paused and pivoted around right as my phone vibrated with an incoming message.
Sam: Darn. I wish I could but I have a study group today :/
Me: :(
“Unfortunately, Sam can’t come.”
Alara frowned and Naomi booed.
“You really are a child,” Derek muttered, but he looked a little down about it too. I closed my eyes as the two of them started bickering and Alara leaned into my chest.
“You good?” she asked, and I think she was just talking about the fair. But when I nodded in response, I was talking about so much more.