She greeted me with a soft smile and an open door, two things I sure as hell didn’t deserve.
“Hi.”
“Hey.” She looked a little terrified as she gestured for me to come in. I made it only a couple of feet before I abruptly stopped and turned to face her. She jumped back a little.
“Sorry.” I laughed nervously as I moved back as well.
A furious blush overtook her face as she asked, “How are you?”
I couldn’t respond; all I could do was stare at her and try to gather enough courage to tell her everything. After what felt like hours, but was probably only several minutes of agonizing silence, her eyes began to water as she looked at the ground. When she looked back up her eyes were closed and there were wet track marks on her cheeks.
“Alara.” My voice broke.
With a deep breath she opened her eyes, and in them I found a range of emotion so intense and varied it scared and thrilled me in equal measure.
“I don’t… I don’t do this well. I h-hate being this v-v-vulnerable and unsure,” she choked out between sniffles and fought for breath, slowly losing her battle for composure.
“I know. Let me—”
“No.” She held up her hand and shook her head. “No, I need to do this without knowing what you’re thinking.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded, even though I had thousands of things to say and hundreds of apologies to issue. She wrung her hands in front of her and nervously paced back and forth.
“You know, when I was a kid I always loved magic. Fairies, dragons, witches… really just about anything and everything to do with magic.”
I smiled. “Yeah I could see that. You probably tried to sneak a peek at the tooth fairy or catch Santa coming down the chimney.”
She laughed and started wiping tears from her face. “Oh my God, I totally did. I was relentless.” Our laughter settled and even though there was so much to say, the silence felt less strained than it did minutes ago.
“I used to pretend magic was real and even after I found out otherwise, I still always hoped it was. And when I would watch a movie or TV show with magic in it, I could never understand why they freaked out when they discovered it. I mean it was so wonderful and could do these amazing things, I just… I didn’t get it.
“So I promised myself that if I ever found out magic really did exist, I’d be curious, understanding, and excited—like I was when I thought magic was real. I wouldn’t run away like everyone else, it wouldn’t scare me.” She paused and looked at her bookshelf before returning her eyes to mine. “And as I’ve been thinking about… well, everything, I realized something. I realized that the closest thing I’ve ever felt to that was what I felt for you. Here was this beautiful and wondrous thing right in front of me, and I just kept running. Loving you is as close to magic as I’ll ever get, and I don’t want to be afraid of it.” My eyes widened at the unintentional delivery, but I kept my mouth shut. She kept her eyes on me as she slowly unwound her hands and wiped them on her pants. “I love you.” She shuffled forward, just a foot out of reach, and the rest flowed as freely as the tears streaming down her face.
“I love the way you can’t seem to keep from touching me whenever I’m near you. I love how you tell me I’m beautiful whenever we’re… intimate.” I smiled as she blushed and coughed over the word. “I love that you won a dragon for Megan and that you lie to Naomi whenever she asks you if she’s good at singing.”
She smiled shyly as she stepped a little closer. “It’s no secret that I don’t like going out or being around people very much, mainly just because they confuse me. But you help me make sense of this completely senseless world and the wonderful, but confusing people in it.” Swallowing hard, she put her hands on my cheeks as her lips trembled into a smile, and her next words came out in a whisper. “I love you because you help me love everything else.”
My heart sped up and slowed down at her confession. All I wanted to do was grab her face and kiss her until we were both breathless, but the fear in her eyes kept me grounded.
“My turn?”
She looked even more nervous as she dropped her hands and took several steps away from me. “Yeah.”
I took a deep breath and let out one of my greatest sins with it. “I’m sorry, Alara. You’ll never know how sorry I am for saying all those things. I know how it sounded—”
“It’s—”
I cut her off with a growl. “Do not fucking say okay or fine or any other variation of that. It absolutely is not okay. You deserve an apology and an explanation.”
“You have every right to feel the way you do, Gabe. And the truth is… you weren’t a hundred percent wrong. Honestly, you don’t need to explain—”
“Yes, I sure the fuck do. Because even if I was right, any kind of right, I shouldn’t have been yelling or drunk.”
She blew out a frustrated breath as some of her tears receded. “You’re right, it’s not okay. You shouldn’t have pretended if you never believed it. But I think I also just need to be more realistic about what to expect. I mean…” She trailed off as she walked over to sit down on the couch. “No one is going to understand this. No one is really going to believe me unless they’ve been through it.”
“I believe you,” I said desperately, pleading with my eyes as much as my words for her to believe me. “I just… I don’t know how to help.” I gave her a sad smile and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear after I sat on the couch beside her.
“I don’t know how to help,” I repeated and took a deep breath. “Because the truth is I don’t understand how you can be so sad, when seemingly you have everything you need to be happy.” I watched Alara’s face closely as I said each word, and I saw the second the words registered because her face crumbled and her shoulders sagged. Whoever said, sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me, clearly had no clue what they were talking about.
She wasn’t hiding; she was just sitting there, taking all of this like it was something she deserved. Her head was tilted down as tears rolled off her cheeks and onto her hands. I rushed on because I couldn’t take the defeat in her expression, as if she knew what was coming when I knew she had no idea.
“But that doesn’t matter because that’s not what you need.” My words forced her head back up with a snap; her eyebrows were puckered and her trembling lower lip was caught in her teeth. “You don’t need me to understand it. All you need is for me to be there and just love you. Maybe someday we’ll understand or maybe we’ll forever be in the dark, but either way it doesn’t matter. I wish I could say that if I could change anything, I would change the fact that you have depression. But I don’t think I can because the truth is, it has made you who you are and I love who you are. I love every part of you, even the part I hate.” I paused as her eyes widened and her mouth dropped at my confession.
“The only reason I said all those things is because I was drunk and drowning in my own fear. I feel like I’m going to fail you,” I choked out. “I’m not worried because I want to be the hero and make everything better. I’m worried because I love you so much and can’t imagine my life without you. Alara, you scare the absolute shit out of me. It terrifies me that I can’t understand this, because without understanding I feel like I won’t be able to help you when you need it.” I felt a few tears fall as I stared at her, pleading with her to accept my words.
“So is it going to be hard? Yes. Are there going to be days when I’ll be frustrated? Absolutely. But that’s because I can’t stand the idea of you being in pain.” I took another deep breath before finishing. “I know I can’t fix you, but I can hold you. I can hold you so tight you’ll forget you feel broken because I’ll be holding all your broken pieces together.”
She smiled and launched herself into my arms. I felt her shake as her tears hit my shoulder, and I held her tight just like I said I would. Minutes later she pulled away, practically sitting on my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck.
“You know a tiny part of me thought you might be coming over here to break up with me.” I opened my mouth but she shook her head before I could say anything. “No, no, just listen. When you snuck out this morning, I thought you regretted… you know.” She blushed as she waved her hand toward her bedroom.
“I’d never regret that.” I smiled before pushing that same stubborn piece of hair behind her ear. She smiled too and closed her eyes at my touch.
“I’m always going to be a little insecure. But I know, deep down I know how much I mean to you.” Alara’s eyes opened and filled with tears again before she looked down; her long hair fell like a curtain so the only part of her face I saw was the tip of her nose.
“And you’re right, I don’t understand it either. It’s s-so weird because there are days w-when I’m so okay or so f-f-freaking happy I can’t e-even imagine how three d-d-days ago I could have been so low.” She sniffled and brought her hands up to furiously wipe her tears. I laid my hand on her back and she tensed for only a second before releasing a tiny sob. I began rubbing circles as she cried, her hand gripping my shirt like an anchor.
“I don’t always know what I need to survive this battle, but I know what I don’t. I don’t need people pretending it doesn’t exist. I don’t need people judging my actions when I’m in the middle of a low period. And I know it’s hard and I’m sorry it’s this way… not just for me but for you too, because I know it affects you just as much as me. I’m not blind to that. And it's always going to be there. If I’m not experiencing an episode then it’s just the fear that one is right around the corner. I have no escape.” She paused, finally looking up at me. “Except knowing you’ll love me anyways.”
“Already done, beautiful,” I said.
“I love you,” she whispered against my lips right before she placed a soft kiss on them.
I smiled and leaned back against the couch, feeling the most relaxed I had in weeks, maybe even all year. “I love you, too.”
…
Hours later we lay in her bed, completely sated and exhausted. I was flat on my back and her head was resting on my shoulder as she looked up at me. One of my hands was wrapped around her back until it rested on her hip while the other was holding her hand over my heart. I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand and she placed a kiss on my chest with a smile. I leaned down and the scent of mint hit my nose again. I remembered smelling it last night and several times this afternoon as we made up for the last week, but I had been too preoccupied to mention it.
“Alara,” I murmured as I placed a kiss on her forehead.
“Yeah?”
“Why do you smell like mint?” She froze against me and tilted her head down so I couldn’t see her expression.
“I, uhh…” Moving my right hand down I lightly pinched her ass, causing her to jump and wiggle against me until she was halfway on top of me. She pretended to scowl as she rubbed her ass and asked, “What the hell was that for?”
“For being so weird.” I gave her a quick kiss on the lips before settling my head against the pillow once more. “Now, tell me why you smell like my body wash.”
She groaned before dropping her face onto my chest. “It’s stupid.”
“Excellent. I love stupid things.” I gave her an encouraging smile and started rubbing slow circles on her lower back.
On a sigh she brought her head back up and looked at me with a serious expression on her face. “You left a bottle here.” She shrugged and nodded her head in the direction of the bathroom. “Since our fight I’ve been using it, it’s just… it made me feel a little better.”
“Yeah?” I knew she expected me to be smug about it, but I was filled with so much happiness that there was no room for anything else. A wide smile took over my face as I looked down at her.
She smiled back, a relieved blush flooding her cheeks. “Yeah.” She chuckled after I asked her how often she used it and she said, “Every day.”
“I love you,” I said, all traces of teasing gone.
“I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I love you.” We both moved forward at the same time and met in the middle for a soft, slow kiss. Somehow we kept the kiss at a leisurely pace, but when we broke away ten minutes later we were fighting for breath.
Alara was frowning and I reached forward to smooth the wrinkles between her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“What are we going to do about your dad?” Her tone was cautious as she ran her fingers through my hair.
I placed a quick kiss on her forehead. “Nothing.” I laughed under my breath. “That’s one of the things that was so stupid about that fight—I had already told my dad to shove it. I never had any intention of breaking up with you or going back there.”
“Really?” Her eyebrows disappeared into her hair with surprise.
“Why do you look so shocked? I just told you I loved you.” I gestured to the bed and smirked. “Multiple times, I believe, and in multiple positions.”
Her blush returned as she tried to leave my embrace, but I held on tighter. “I know, but what about Sam?” she asked, completely ignoring the levity I had tried to throw in because she was too focused on my sister. And somehow, if it was even possible, I fell in love with her even more.
“My father isn’t sending her anywhere, he relented.” I smiled as a thought occurred to me. “Sam came busting into his office, I’ve never seen her like that. She said there was no way she’d let me leave you; she said she’d send herself to Wendy if she had to.”
“Wow.”
“She loves you too.”
She smiled as she moved to lie back down next to me. “You know that was the only reason I suggested we take a break.”
“Huh?” My mind was temporarily short-circuited. In the process of moving off me Alara had gotten tangled in the sheet, baring her gorgeous tits. Somehow I managed to restrain myself even though they were only a foot away from my mouth.
“I knew how much it hurt you to leave Samantha the first time,” Alara started, and the mention of Sam brought my gaze up to hers. “I didn’t want you to have to go through that again. That was the only reason; it was never about me trying to push you away.” She gave me a small smile and started running her fingers through my hair. We fell into a comfortable silence as I returned her smile and wrapped her in my arms, holding her tight.
I woke up the next morning lying on my stomach with my head facing the window. My eyes slowly fluttered open to see Gabe unlocking and sliding back the windowpane. I was still naked and the sheet had slipped down to the top of my thighs, leaving my backside bare against the chilled morning air blowing in from the now open window.
“Hey,” he murmured as he carefully put the drapes back in place, ensuring the room stayed dark. He walked over and dropped to his knees in front of me before kissing the tip of my nose.
“Morning, beautiful.” I smiled and my eyes closed reflexively as his kisses traveled up the bridge of my nose before ending on my forehead. He grabbed the sheet and brought it up until it rested at the middle of my back before he climbed over me and back into bed. I was still facing the window when he brushed my hair to the side and started dropping kisses on my nape.
“Are you sore?” Gabe asked as his hand rubbed my shoulders and his lips trailed down my spine.
“Hmmm…”
He lightly bit my hip before crawling up and straddling my waist. “Do you need a break?” he whispered in my ear, and I smiled at the memories. His hands were fisted, his knuckles pressing down lightly on each shoulder as he made circular moments that had me sighing in pleasure.
“God, that feels good.”
“What do you want to do today?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said quietly.
“C’mon, it’s your first Saturday of winter break, right? We need to celebrate.” He paused in his movements and I moved my head toward him.
“Really, it doesn’t matter. As long as I’m with you, I’m good.”
Gabe smiled softly before leaning forward and placing several gentle kisses on my lips. When he pulled back his eyes roamed my face like he was trying to memorize every feature, but he didn’t need to—I wasn’t going anywhere.