Tori

“You look beautiful,” Kim softly murmured as she brushed my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to see what she saw, but I couldn’t. All I saw was a shell of a woman with haunted eyes, dark circles and pale skin. I looked pathetic, even to myself. Although my black Vera Wang dress was one of my favorites, today it could have been an off the rack dress from Target for how down I was feeling.

“Where’s Jay?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. When I woke up that morning he wasn’t there and two hours later he still wasn’t. I couldn’t go to the funeral without him. For as much as I hated to admit it, I needed him to be my strength right now.

When he showed up yesterday it was like finding water after being in the desert for days. My soul sighed with contentment when I was in his arms again. I knew he’d make it all better. I needed for him to do that. I was sure that a few weeks from now I’d look back and regret the fact that I caved and threw myself at him, but right now being with him was keeping me together.

“He left early this morning. He had a meeting with his lawyer about custody that couldn’t be rescheduled. He’ll be here in time for us to go to the funeral.”

I turned my body away from the vanity where I sat and fought the urge to go crawl back under the covers. The bed that loomed behind Kim as she put her shoes on was beckoning to me.

“Thank you for helping me get ready,” I said into the silence. I really did appreciate the time she was taking with me. I remembered she had been with me since I first found out about my dad. Except for when I woke in Jay’s embrace last night, Kim was there every time I woke up, waiting to see what I needed.

“That’s what friends are for,” she answered and gave me a small smile. “You’d do the same for me. There’s nothing to thank me for.”

“But—” I began.

She stepped in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. “No buts. I need to ask if you’re sure about Jay being here. You were pretty adamant you didn’t want him coming before.”

I looked away and focused on a spot over her shoulder.

“I need him,” I admitted on a strangled breath.

“Oh, sweetie,” she said in a sad tone. “I know you think you do, but if it’s too much we can make him go. I don’t want to see him hurt you anymore than he already has.”

“I’ll be okay.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince, me or her. It didn’t matter though. I was going to do whatever I needed to in order to get through the day. This was self-preservation at its finest. I could deal with the rest later. Today was all that mattered.

“If anything changes and you aren’t, just say the word.”

“What word?” Jay’s deep voice filled the room as he stepped through the door.

He looked fine, as in capital F-I-N-E. Even in my depressed state I could appreciate how well he cleaned up in his gray three-piece suit and checkered tie. It was the first time I saw him looking so dashing.

“You dressed up for me?” My voice hitched in the middle of my question.

Kim ducked out of the room, leaving Jay and me alone. He effortlessly picked me up and then settled me on his lap after he sat in my vacated seat.

“T, I told you I’d do anything for you.” His hands caressed my back, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. “Please don’t cry. It breaks my heart to see you cry.”

“I can’t help it,” I let out on a small sob.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face towards his. His lips lightly brushed mine. “Please try. For me?”

I stared at him for several moments, enamored by his softness before agreeing with a bob of my head. His tenderness was making it difficult for me not to be overly emotional.

“You ready to go? The cars are downstairs waiting for you whenever you are,” he said before pulling my hair over my shoulder.

“As ready as I’m going to be. I’m hoping it will be easier once I know he’s at rest. Maybe then it won’t hurt so badly.”

“Me too,” he murmured and placed a soft kiss to my exposed neck that made me shiver.

Walking down the stairs, I realized it was the first time in nearly four days that I had left the safety of my room. An overwhelming pressure pushed on my chest at the thought of going out in public and having to face people. Would I smile politely and nod when they offered their condolences? It felt like a lie to act put together and sociable. And Annabelle. Would I be able to handle her today? Or would I end the day arrested for assault and battery?

Malevolent thoughts of harming that evil wench had my lips curling deviously.

“Do I want to know?” Jay whispered in my ear once we settled into the town car.

“No,” I answered and fought a grin when Jay chuckled.

“I can only imagine based on that evil gleam I saw sparkling in your eyes. Just do me a favor and warn me if I need to take your back. Don’t want to ruin the suit,” he joked as he pulled the lapels of his coat out in a cocky gesture.

At that I did grin. I couldn’t help it. I missed talking to him. The last week and a half was like dying a slow, torturous death without him. Like all the air was slowly being pulled from the room I was stuck in and I had no choice but to struggle for air.

“There’s my girl,” he murmured and lowered his lips to mine. They hovered there a moment while he stared into my eyes, waiting for me to deny him. When I didn’t he pressed his mouth sweetly to mine in a tender kiss that made my previously tight limbs loosen a bit.

The rest of the drive to the church was quiet. Jay held my hand in his and gently stroked my palm with his thumb. The soothing motion helped relax me which I was grateful for when we pulled up in front of the building just as Annabelle stepped from a limo behind Rich.

She had on an inappropriate black dress that was too short and cut far too low. On top of her freshly bleached blonde hair was a large black hat with matching veil. She sniffled and dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief.

What a joke! She wasn’t distraught or grieving over my father’s death, if she were she wouldn’t be holding my cousin’s hand for heaven’s sake.

I started towards her, but came up short when Jay pulled me into his body. “Save it for after the funeral,” he whispered in my ear.

My chest heaved with anger and frustration, but I nodded and let him lead me into the church. On the way towards the front pew, I was stopped by my father’s friends and colleagues offering their condolences. A few so-called friends of mine pried for information on my life. Most likely they were hoping they’d get good gossip like how I was now a stripper living in squalor. They either looked at Jay curiously or with disdain, neither of which I bothered addressing, seeing as how they weren’t a part of my life anymore.

Waiting for the service to begin, a hand settled on my shoulder. I turned to my left and saw Jerome sit directly behind us. I turned fully in my seat and saw that Mike, Zeke, Killer, Plado, Keesha, and several other people from Rucker Records were sitting in the pew behind us. My heart filled knowing all these wonderful people were there for me. Even after quitting, they were still there to support me. It was unexpected and astounding.

I thanked each of them and then sat back in my seat when the priest came out and began the service.

When they wheeled the casket up the aisle, and it stopped next to where I sat, my body trembled with quiet tears that couldn’t be helped. Lying in that box all by himself was my father. I had an overwhelming need to lift the lid and climb in with him. To be with him one last time before he left me for eternity.

My hand reached out and shook as I laid it on the dark cherry wood. I leaned over and pressed a kiss there and whispered that I loved him. At that moment, every eye in the church was probably on me, but I didn’t have it in me to care.

Jay pulled me tighter into his side, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Once again, I was grateful he was there.

The rest of the service was a blur of tears and tissues. Walking down the aisle behind the casket as we exited the church, Annabelle began crying hysterically in an attempt to draw attention to herself.

Before I could react, Jay whispered, “Not now.”

It took a lot, but I locked down my rising agitation and ignored her.

“Please tell me that bitch is going down,” I said while looking out the car window as we navigated through the cemetery to my family’s mausoleum. I supposed anger was a better emotion to feel at the moment besides utter loss. It was helping me stay sane, that was for sure.

“The wheels of justice turn slowly, T,” Jay cryptically replied. He rested his hand on my thigh as he spoke.

“What does that mean?” I turned and looked at him.

“It means we’re close to that bitch going down, but you need to be a little more patient. Don’t feed into her. Just ignore her.”

“Easy for you to say,” I huffed and crossed my arms. “She’s lucky I don’t shove my size six Manolo Blahnik up her ass.”

“I love when you’re a bad ass.” His hand ran higher up my leg. “I get hard just thinking about you going all ghetto and throwing down with her.”

“You’re sick,” I exclaimed and stopped his hand’s movement. “You do realize that the last twenty-four hours doesn’t change anything, right?”

“We’ll talk about it later,” he said with a dark shadow moving across his face.

“No, we’ll talk about it now.”

“Can’t. We’re here.” The car pulled to a stop, and he quickly exited the vehicle, sticking his hand back through the door to help me out.

“You’re lucky,” I told him once I was standing in front of him.

“I hope so. Come on. I have a feeling I’m about to be even more amazed at how brave and strong you are.” He pulled until I was forced to follow him.

“Stop saying things like that. I want to stay mad at you and I can’t when you’re sweet.”

“Baby, I’m going to be so sweet that you’re going to wake up with a toothache. Now let’s go or else that bitch will make sure they start without you.”

Surprisingly, even though I was about to watch my father be lowered into the ground, I found myself laughing at what an idiot Jay was. And for that I was also grateful.

* * *

Alone again, naturally…

The playlist I created after the funeral yesterday played on repeat as I stared at the ceiling in the darkened room. It was mid-afternoon, but I had the drapes pulled leaving me shrouded in blackness—just like my mood.

If I thought my grieving would lessen once the funeral and subsequent burial was over, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I felt like there was a hole in my heart now. A missing piece maybe.

There were some times in life when no matter how strong you were you broke. I was shattered.

Over the last few months, I had learned that I could withstand more than I thought possible once I was thrust out of my protective bubble into the real world. But this… this right here was more than I could take. Jay’s betrayal and then knowing my father died alone made me feel dead inside.

At the cemetery yesterday, I had been approached by a nice, younger girl who ended up being his hospice nurse. She proceeded to tell me that my father had asked for me in his final hours. Common sense told me she thought she was helping me, but instead she was gutting me. She might as well have fileted me like a fish. Instead of being consoled, I began to grow despondent.

Jay noticed the change and quickly ushered me home where he stripped me and put me in pajamas before he tucked me into bed. There he held me until I cried myself to sleep.

It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world that can’t be mended…

“What’s with the alone again crap? You’ve been listening to this song practically on repeat. Between this, Eric Clapton and Mariah Carey, I could sing every word I’ve heard it so much,” Jay bitched as he dug in his bag and then pulled a shirt over his still damp torso. It amazed me how he never dried all the way off after a shower. I never understood it.

“Well, if you must know it suits my mood. I am all alone.” I wasn’t going to tell him that the song was one my father listened to on and off throughout the years. He always liked Gilbert O’Sullivan. He said it reminded him of his mother.

“Bullshit.”

“Seriously. Other than my aunt Beverly, Jeff, Rich, if you could count him, and a few distant cousins in Alaska, I have no one. No family. No one to love me.” My chin wobbled and tears sprang to life behind my eyes. Here we went again. The waterworks just wouldn’t stop anymore.

Jay sat on the bed next to me and took my hand between his.

“I love you, T. From the moment your green eyes locked on mine in that strip club, I’ve loved you.”

I sat up and looked him over. This revelation was almost as painful as seeing him naked with another woman. Especially because it was a little too late. “You’re just saying that. If it was true, then why wasn’t I enough for you?”

He swallowed hard making his Adams apple move up and down. I focused on it rather than on the rapid thumping in my chest. “You were, baby. I just wasn’t enough for you.”

Oh God. Did he really just say that? I didn’t know many men who would ever admit to that. I had to shut this down before I got lost in him again. He made it perfectly clear where I stood before. I needed to remember that.

“No. You weren’t,” I agreed. “You should probably leave so I can get on without you.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I truly appreciate the fact that you were here for me the last few days. More than I could ever express actually. But none of it changes the fact that we are two totally different people who want two totally different things.”

I was surprised by the nervous look on his face and the way he anxiously blinked at the duvet on the bed. His gaze locked with mine, and I saw determination working behind his beautiful blues. “I just want you, T. Any way I can have you. You asked me if I could live without you and I never answered you. I can’t. Not for another second. We belong together.”

I shook my head and a fresh set of tears spilled over my cheeks. “You’re just saying that because I walked away. Between wanting what you can’t have and feeling sorry for me now that my dad is dead, you’re saying things you don’t really mean.”

He gripped my head between his hands and got right in my face. “Don’t do that. Don’t tell me that I don’t love you. That I don’t need you. Is it so hard to believe that I’m afraid? Every other woman I’ve opened up to has taken my trust and love just to throw it in my face. They used me. Each and every one of them. I was afraid to believe that you’d be the one that didn’t. What if this didn’t work out?”

“What if it did?” I countered.

“I know now that it can. All you need to do is give me another chance to show you.”

“Your chances have dried up. I don’t have it in me to get squashed under your ego again. You’ve drained me dry, Jay. I have nothing left to give.” I laid back down and pulled the comforter farther up my body.

“Tori,” he said, cajoling. “Look at me. We aren’t done talking.”

“I’m tired,” I semi-lied and rolled so that I was no longer facing him. “You should leave.”

He hesitated for several minutes while I held my breath and waited for him to do something. Finally, I felt him kiss the back of my head and then climb off the bed.

“I’m not giving up,” he declared, and then I heard the door shut.

I released my breath in a whoosh once I was alone. Then I attempted to find my happy place—in the darkness.