CHAPTER 12
(Helena’s Point of View)
The specter of sorrow surrounds me like a clingy, unwanted visitor whose stay is endless and whose gift is everlasting pain. The life-size alabaster statue Anna and her family erected to memorialize Cade’s passing almost looks real. He stands tall with his shoulders straight and proud as his gaze is directed toward some unknown object in the distance. He’s shirtless but wearing his War Angel feather cloak, pants, and boots.
I reach up and touch the replica of his lips, allowing the tips of my fingers to glide across the smooth, cold stone. I close my eyes and picture Cade’s face smiling at me. I can almost feel the warmth of his skin beneath my fingers as I caress the side of the statue’s face, but I know what I’m feeling is just an illusion that I desperately want to believe is real.
I open my eyes and force myself to face the fact that Cade is dead. His soul is safely tucked away behind Heaven’s veil, and no matter how powerful I become, I will never be able to reach him.
I let my hand fall back to my side, knowing wishes don’t come true for creatures like me. They never have and they never will.
Unexpectedly, I see Anna phase in with Evelyn Grace’s daughter, Jules. They stand only a few feet behind Cade’s statue staring at me but not looking the least bit surprised to find me in this cemetery.
“Hello, sister,” I say to Anna, finding the timing of her visit curious. It can’t be by coincidence. “What happens to bring you here?”
Anna lets go of Jules’ arm and walks closer to me.
“I wanted to talk to you,” she tells me, her face full of pity that I neither want nor need. I see her eyes drop down to my stomach as if needing to prove to herself that I am indeed with child.
“Really?” I ask, feigning ignorance. “About what exactly?”
Anna looks at me knowingly. “You know full well what I want to talk to you about, Helena.”
“Then say what you have to say, if it will make you feel better. I would hate for your conscience to be rife with guilt because you don’t believe you did enough for Cade’s baby. Or are you here to rip my little bundle of joy out of my womb yourself instead of sending your henchmen to do the dirty work for you?”
“That was never my plan, Helena. I have no desire to see you hurt, but I also don’t believe you’re the best person to raise Cade’s son.”
“That’s rich of you, Anna,” I scoff. “Aren’t you my polar opposite in this universe? At least I thought you were supposed to be the good one in the family. It doesn’t seem very sisterly of you to suggest that I should hand my baby over to you because you deem it the right thing to do.”
“And do you believe you’re capable of taking care of him on your own?” she questions me, sounding doubtful that I have one motherly bone in my body. “You haven’t even been to see a doctor to make sure he’s all right. Desmond would be more than happy to do an examination at any place and time of your choosing. All he wants to do is make sure the baby is healthy. If you won’t even do that one simple thing for your child, why should I believe you’ll raise him right?”
“He’s my child, Anna!” I scream, sick and tired of her holier-than-thou attitude toward me. “He is the only thing I have left of Cade, and I will not give him up without a fight! Trust me, sister, you don’t want to push me on this. If it’s a war of mutual destruction that you want, I am more than willing to do it because I have very little to live for these days. My son and the promise I made to Cade not to harm the ones he loves are the only reasons I haven’t destroyed this planet that you cherish so much. But heed my words and take them to heart, I will destroy you and your family if you push my patience too far.”
“Helena,” my sister says in a placating voice meant to temper my wrath, “what kind of life can you offer him? Do you want him to become as bitter and hateful as you are? Do you really believe Cade would want that sort of life for his only child?”
“You’re such an insufferable hypocrite, sister,” I say through gritted teeth. “Can you honestly stand there and tell me that you would just hand over one of your own children to me if I asked you to?”
“That isn’t the same thing,” she protests weakly, but I can see her begin to realize precisely what she’s asking me to do.
“It’s the exact same thing, and you know it! Remember when I took Liana away from you for a short time? Do you remember how that made you feel? Now multiply that heartbreak a million times over and you’ll have a small taste of what it is you are asking me to do. I’ve lost Cade for an eternity. I will not lose my son!”
From the look of defeat on Anna’s face, I can tell she knows trying to convince me to give my baby to her will never work.
“Then at least let me help you with the pregnancy,” she begs. “Let Desmond look at the baby, just to make sure he’s healthy.”
“He’s fine!” I reply adamantly. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”
“Excuse me,” Jules says, “but the other night you told me that your pregnancy has been anything but natural. Now, I could be wrong, but that sort of makes it sound like something hasn’t been quite right the last few months.”
“It’s nothing,” I say, attempting to wave away my own worries while convincing them that everything is as it should be.
“Please, Helena,” Anna begs. “If something feels wrong, go to Desmond. I know for a fact that he’s at his home in Stratus right now. I swear I won’t follow you there or tell anyone else that you’ve gone. All I want you to do is make sure the baby is healthy.”
“You expect me to believe that you won’t tell Malcolm or Ethan that I’ve gone to him?” I ask her scornfully. “What type of simpleton do you take me for, Anna?”
“If there is one thing I have never questioned you about, it’s your intelligence,” she assures me. “And if there is one thing you should never question about me, it’s my promises. I swear to you on the lives of my children that I will not tell anyone that you’ve gone there.”
I look over at Jules. “And what’s to stop her from telling Ethan where I am? Do you think I haven’t noticed that sword he carries on his hip? I know exactly what he intends to do with it if I don’t give him my son. I know everything, Anna. Why do you think I let those War Angels of yours use the Nexus so freely? They didn’t know it, but I was there reading their minds and seeing all their plans.”
The flash of surprise in Anna’s eyes doesn’t shock me. I know that the angels assumed I wasn’t in Hell while they used the Nexus to search for me. That’s the reason why I sometimes closed entry into my domain off from them. They began to assume I was only there when they couldn’t phase into my realm. For being angels of war, they certainly don’t think very strategically. Of course I would learn everything I could about their plans for me. I’m not an idiot, and it made it far simpler to keep them preoccupied during their search if I happened to stir up trouble on some of the planets that they keep a watch over.
“I won’t tell Ethan,” Jules says to me like a promise. “I told you last night that I’m only concerned about the baby’s welfare, and if my story wasn’t enough to convince you of that fact, I really don’t see how else I can prove to you that all I care about is the child. Don’t be stubborn when it comes to your baby’s life, Helena, or you may live to regret more than just killing Cade.”
“Why is it that you feel as if you can talk to me like you’re my equal?” I ask her, having found my encounters with Jules almost disturbing.
“I’m nowhere near your equal as far as power goes,” she tells me. “I doubt anyone in the universe is, except for maybe Anna. The only thing we have in common is the fact that we both feel responsible for a loved one’s death. We share a common guilt, and I know how debilitating that kind of pain can be, but don’t make your son pay for your sins. He’s an innocent in all of this, and he deserves a chance to live a happy life. A child is a gift that you shouldn’t take for granted. Take it from someone who has lost the ability to have another child of her own: don’t squander the blessing that you’ve been given.”
“You can’t have children?” Anna asks Jules in shock.
Slowly, Jules shakes her head. “No. The accident that caused me to lose my son also forced the doctors to perform a hysterectomy.”
Anna looks confused by this information for some reason, but she tells Jules, “I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that.”
Jules bobs her shoulders up and down as if she’s shrugging Anna’s condolences off. The natural action causes me to have a smidge of respect for her.
“Things occur in life that you don’t count on. That one just happened to be my life-altering event.” Jules looks over at me and says, “Go to Desmond if for nothing else than to ease your own mind that your son is well. Odds are, he’s perfectly fine. But if you keep worrying that something is wrong, the stress you cause yourself may end up affecting him too.”
I know she’s right, but I’m not about to admit it to her.
“Well, I think I’ve been lectured enough for one day,” I tell them both. “Oh, before I go, you never told me how you knew I was here, Anna. How exactly did you know?”
“We have people watching the places we thought you might visit here on Earth,” Anna tells me. “This was one of them.”
I’m not quite sure I believe her, but I don’t see how else she could have known I was in the cemetery.
“I saw the memorial you built for Cade in one of Roan’s memories,” I tell her. “I thought I would come see it for myself.” I pause for a moment, unsure if I want to ask Anna my next question, but curiosity gets the better of me. “Have you seen him? Have you gone to Heaven to speak with Cade?”
Anna shakes her head. “God told me He doesn’t want to talk to anyone yet. He’s grieving the loss of you just as much as you are him, Helena.”
I swallow back the threat of tears because I have to know one more thing.
“Does he know I’m having his child?” I ask my sister. “Does he even know I’m pregnant?”
“I honestly can’t answer that because I don’t know,” she tells me, looking sorry for not having an answer for me. “We haven’t seen God in months either, so I haven’t been able to ask Him. I wish I could tell you. I truly do.”
“It’s just as well,” I say, acting as if the news doesn’t bother me in the slightest when it actually troubles me a great deal. “Even if he knew, it would more than likely only make him sadder.”
“I don’t think it would,” Anna says with a small smile. “I think he would be happy to know he has a son on the way.”
“A son you and your War Angel contingent seem determined to take away from me,” I say snidely.
Anna sighs. “If you could assure me that you would raise him in a way Cade would approve of, I wouldn’t have a problem with you keeping your son. But, to be honest with you, Helena, I don’t think you’re in any state of mind to take care of a baby. And …” she pauses as if concerned about voicing her next words, “have you thought about after the baby is born? Have you even considered the possibility that you might unintentionally kill him with your love like you did Cade?”
“You impress me, Anna,” I say, feeling a chill run down my spine at the implication of her words, “even I didn’t think you could be cruel enough to suggest such a thing happening.”
“I’m only trying to make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice and live to regret another loss. I know firsthand the strength of a mother’s love for her child. All I ask is that you consider the possibility that your love could kill him too. Just think about it, Helena. Promise me you’ll consider all of the ramifications of keeping him with you.”
“While I would love to stay and chitchat with the two of you more,” I say, knowing I need to go before I show Anna just how much I already care for my baby, “but I have business I need to attend to elsewhere.” I look over at Jules. “And you might want to suggest to Ethan that he should check up on Xander on Laed-i. If my sources are correct, he’s having a bit of a problem over there right now.”
And with those words of advice, I leave them in the cemetery to return to my own domain so I can contemplate what was said. At least I think it was me who phased my body to Hell. It’s been hard to tell these days. I would have asked Anna about the twins phasing her places she didn’t want to go to near the end of her own pregnancy, but I didn’t feel like prolonging our unexpected family get-together.
Ethan probably already suspects that I’m not in complete control of my powers since he saw me phase while I was in mid-sentence on Cephas. I know from the memories of some of the War Angels that it was actually the Guardians of the Guf whose souls are attached to the seals who kept phasing Anna to different places. I have no doubt now that the soul of my son is actually a seal too and that it is more than likely the guardian of his seal who takes control of my powers every once in a while. I can’t say I like that very much, but there’s really nothing I can do to stop it from happening. Until my son is born and the awoken guardian is expunged from my body, I won’t be able to regain absolute control over my actions.
As I sit down on the wrought iron bench that my father used quite often while he resided in Hell, I begin to run through the pros and cons of seeking out Desmond for help with my pregnancy. To be honest, I can’t think of a good reason not to go to him. Jules is right. It is better to err on the side of caution and not take any chances with the welfare of my unborn child. Besides, it’s not as if Desmond can harm me. He’s just an angel, after all. If worse comes to worst, I can trap him down here in Hell with me until the birth of my son. Jules already told me that Desmond promised not to tell Ethan or the others if I visited him. From what I know of Desmond, he isn’t one to tell lies just to get what he wants. However, I’m surprised he’s still living in his residence in the down-world of Stratus. From what I understand, another Watcher, Brutus, is now emperor of Stratus since he married its empress, Kyna Halloran. You would think Desmond could find better accommodations in either the cloud city of Stratus or Cirrus.
I quickly make the logical decision and phase myself to Desmond’s home in Stratus territory. As I stand on the stoop outside his front door, I’m vaguely aware of the people walking behind me on the city sidewalk at the bottom of the stairs to his home. I pay them no mind and open the door to Desmond’s house without knocking first. I announce my arrival in his home by a quick shout out of his name as I close the door behind me.
I’ve never actually been inside his house before, but over the past few months, I’ve stood right outside his door trying to work up the courage to go inside and ask for his help. I know my sister and even that human, Jules, were just trying to give me some sound advice, and I have to admit that the story Jules told me about the loss of her own child has finally spurred me toward this moment.
Just as I click the door shut, I see Desmond phase in front of me.
His expression is a mixture of surprise, which is to be expected, and wonder at my out of the blue arrival in his home.
“Helena,” he greets me in the native brogue of this part of the world, “I’m so glad you came to see me, lass. Are you having a problem with the baby? Is he all right?”
I turn to fully face Desmond as I place protective hands on my baby bump.
“I’m hoping you can tell me that. I want you to check him for me,” I say, keeping my expression blank and giving nothing away about my worry. “I want you to make sure he’s healthy.”
“Of course,” Desmond says, unable to hide his relief that I’ve finally come to him. “Please, follow me into the living room so we can get you settled.”
I do as he directs and follow him into a modestly furnished sitting room to the left of the entryway. There isn’t a great deal of furniture present, but what’s there looks well used.
“Why in the world do you live like a pauper?” I have to ask Desmond. “You could have much nicer things than this considering who and what you are.”
“Please, lie down here,” Desmond instructs me as he uses his hand to indicate the Victorian style chaise lounge chair upholstered with a maroon and gold brocade material. “And to answer your question, I think the people here in the down-world would find it odd for me to have nicer things than this when most of them are still living in shacks made of pieced together scraps. You may not view my home as being much, but to most of the people in this territory, I live in a palace.”
As I carefully lower myself onto the seat of the chair, I feel my son change positions inside me as if he knows we’ve finally come to seek help. Involuntarily, I inhale sharply from the pain I experience from his movements.
“Are you all right?” Desmond asks worriedly, automatically coming to my aid and resting a comforting hand on my right shoulder.
I shrug his hand off, not wanting to be touched by him.
“That’s why I’m here, you imbecile,” I reply tersely. “I need you to tell me if this pain is normal.”
Desmond doesn’t seem to take offense at my words. In fact, he chuckles at my show of temper.
“Well, you certainly haven’t lost your spirit, so that’s a good thing,” he tells me. “Wait here just a moment. I need to go grab something.”
Desmond phases away while I bring my legs up onto the chaise lounge to stretch them out. He returns quickly holding a small silver disk in his hands.
“I don’t want to see him,” I say adamantly, knowing the device Desmond is holding can project a hologram of my baby. “I only want you to check his vitals.”
“But it would be better if we did both, Helena,” Desmond argues.
“I said I don’t want to see him!” I yell, causing the house to shake violently enough for it to sprinkle dust down on us from the movement of the second floor.
Desmond sighs in frustration, but he doesn’t try to argue with me anymore. I see him press something on the underside of the silver disk in his hand before he lays it on top of my protruding belly.
Almost instantly, a series of readings hover over the disk giving us the information we need about my son’s health. From what I can tell, almost everything looks normal.
“Hmm, odd,” Desmond says as he looks at the readings. “Everything looks good, but I wonder why there is an increase in keratin levels.”
“I was hoping you could tell me that,” I say, grimacing as the baby moves once again, causing me to wince in pain.
“Helena,” he says, bending down on one knee before me with an imploring expression on his face, “we need to look at the hologram of your baby. These numbers aren’t telling me the whole story, and I think you’ve probably seen them before and understand that.”
Of course I’ve seen these numbers before. It’s not like doctors have a monopoly on health care devices. I’ve known about the high levels of keratin in my baby’s system for quite some time. I just don’t know why he has so much of it, and truth be known, I’m scared to find out the reason why.
I know from the thoughts of the War Angels who have entered my realm that they worry what my baby will come out looking like. I am neither human nor angel. I’m something else that not even God has classified, and since I’m so unique, that leads to the question of what my baby will look like. Will he look human, or will he end up being a physical mirror of the ugliness inside me? I haven’t had the courage to find out, and I came here today hoping Desmond could take away my worries by seeing something in the vitals of my son that I might have missed over the past few months.
When my son moves again, I see Desmond place his uninvited hand against my stomach.
“Oh my,” he says, his eyes opening wide in surprise as he feels the vibration associated with my son’s movements. “What in the world …”
“Get your hand off me,” I say angrily, grabbing him by the wrist and pushing him away hard enough to knock him to the floor. “I didn’t give you permission to touch me!”
“You came to me for help, Helena,” Desmond says, standing back onto his feet. “Please, let me help you and your son. You know as well as I do that babies don’t normally vibrate in the womb like that, and I think you came to me today to be your courage to finally look at him. It would be better if we both know what to expect during the delivery. The fewer surprises we have, the more prepared I will be to handle things.”
“You mean to handle the monster that might come out of my body?” I question him curtly. “Don’t stand there and try to pretend that you haven’t at least considered the possibility that my son will simply be another creature of Hell. I know what you all have been thinking for the past few months.”
“And apparently, you’ve been thinking the same thing too, lass, or you wouldn’t be here right now asking for my help,” he replies knowingly.
Eh. Angels and their god complexes. They think they know everything. In this case, Desmond is right, but I hate to admit that to him. It would only foster his already inflated angelic ego. Yet he isn’t quite like the other angels, especially Ethan. What a bloodthirsty curd that one is. He truly believes that cutting my son from my womb is the only course of action he has to ensure the safety of Cade’s child. I know the sword he carries against his side is the one from alternate Earth. They all believe its blade will help destroy me one day. I hate to tell them that what they believe is a fool’s fantasy, but given enough time, they’ll figure that out on their own.
“The truth of the matter is,” I begin to tell Desmond, “I don’t know what he’ll come out looking like. All I know is that for the first three months, I could barely keep any food down because I was nauseous all the time, and the strength of the vibration you just felt when he moves has grown along with him. It’s getting so strong now, I fear he’ll tear through my stomach when he’s ready to be born.”
“Then let’s look at him and alleviate both of our worries.”
“Or cause us all to have even worse nightmares,” I say wearily, resting my head back on the curve of the small upholstered sofa and closing my eyes.
“I find it odd for you to say something like that, considering the fact that you designed creatures like the hellspawn and leviathans. What could possibly be so horrible about him that it would give you nightmares?”
“I designed those things to cause fear to those who reside in Hell,” I say, opening my eyes and turning my head to look at Desmond. “I don’t want my son to hate what I’ve made him into.”
“He’s not only your son, Helena. He’s Cade’s son too. And like any parent, he is half responsible for what your son becomes. I think you need to at least trust that his father gave him the best parts of himself.”
I take in a deep breath because I know everything Desmond has said is true. I need to find out what’s different about my son before he’s born, so that I’m prepared for his birth. I still haven’t decided if I will ask Desmond for his help when the time comes, but I haven’t completely ruled out the possibility either. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what my son looks like. I will love him all the same, and I will protect him to the best of my ability.
“Show me,” I tell Desmond before I lose my nerve. “I’ve waited longer than I should have to find out.”
Desmond reaches over and picks up the silver medical disk from my stomach to change its settings.
Once it’s ready, he looks over at me and says, “I want you to know that whatever he looks like, I will love and protect him just as fiercely as his father would have. Cade was my friend, and all I want is for his son to have a happy and healthy life.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“Are you ready to see him?” Desmond asks, willing to give me a little more time to compose myself, even though I can see how anxious he is to find out what my baby looks like.
I nod my head, letting him know I’m ready because my voice is failing me at the moment.
When Desmond places the silver disk back on top of my stomach, the holographic picture of my son appears above it.
I hear myself take in a deep, surprised breath. I raise a trembling hand up to my lips and stare at his image, unable to believe what I’m seeing.
“Oh, Helena …” Desmond says, sounding as shocked as I feel. I look over to catch him smiling from ear to ear with joy. “He’s beautiful.”
I return my gaze to my son and begin to cry with joy because I know now that he has indeed inherited the best parts of his father and the best parts of me.
He is my child, and I will never let him go.