CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Cady

 

 

 

FRIDAY MORNING, I MANAGED to haul myself from bed, my eyes sandpapery sore. I got the boys off to school, and they were more subdued than ever before. Regretting my fight with Jude, I wondered how much they’d heard last night. Regretted even more I’d told him to go, knowing he wouldn’t be back.

Not ever.

I called in to Joelle. She wanted to know all about my date with Troy. I begged off, telling her I was sick.

I’d give myself one day. One day I spent alternately crying and berating myself.

Maybe this was what I did. Ran men off.

I cried some more and thought about texting Jude or, instead, deleting his info. I hadn’t wanted it in the first place. But that was a lie. I was a lie. I was a weepy mess, and I still looked for him to stride into the house days later, all bedroom eyes and big smiles and sexy suggestions.

But he didn’t come.

And I knew he wouldn’t.

****

Monday was almost worse, because I had to face the music with Joelle, not something to ever look forward to. The woman had an uncanny ability to see right through all my bullshit.

I fortified myself with a giant cup of coffee and two travel packs of Kleenex tissues stashed in my bag. I’d intended to sweep right past her desk, close my office door, then ignore all inquiries.

Instead I took one look at her and almost fell apart again.

“Oh dear.” She grabbed the bowl of candy on her desk and swiveled toward me in her chair. “This calls for Gummy Bears.”

“I hate Gummy Bears.” My voice trembled.

“They’re not for you.”

I took a couple steps toward her. “He’s gone.”

“Troy?” Joelle’s hand halted halfway to her mouth.

“Oh, God, Troy. He’s the reason I’m in this mess in the first place.”

“What exactly are you talking about?” She examined the colorful candy wad she held. “First of all, you’ve never called in sick a day in your life, and now you come to work telling me he’s gone. And by the by, you look like you could use a spa day, because you’re giving off a distinct woe is me aura, bags under your eyes and all.”

I gave a halfhearted chuckle then choked on a sob that wanted to escape. “It’s Jude. Jude’s gone.”

Peering at me curiously, Joelle gobbled some of her sticky sweets instead of hugging me. Probably because she knew I was on the verge of breaking down.

“That’s what you wanted,” she said quietly, almost sadly.

“I suppose it was.” My chin wobbled.

“C’mere, honey-chile.”

“I can’t.” I dabbed beneath my eyes. “If I start crying again, I’ll never stop.”

****

Each day was endless. Every night interminable. Days lackluster, although the bright shiny fall weather didn’t seem to know.

I was miserable. I knew the boys missed him too, and their consideration toward me was almost eerie. I wanted them to start bickering again. Heck, I would’ve been happy to find them concocting another Coca Cola-Mentos bomb on the patio.

I wanted us to go back to normal.

I figured Aiden was old enough now to watch his brothers when I couldn’t be home, and I made my schedule flexible enough for all the afterschool activities. I dreaded the thought of running into Jude at football—yet hoped more than anything I would.

But he was never there. At least not when I was.

We managed, but there was a yawning absence in the house. A man-sized absence.

A Jude-sized hole in our lives because of me.

How could it hurt so much? Worse than when I’d discovered Gregory was systematically, relentlessly cheating on me?

But I knew. Jude had never betrayed me. He’d never treated me with anything other than respect and loyalty and kindness.

As Thanksgiving approached, I thought of Jude and Rawls and even Skunk. I wanted them at my house, around my table. And then at Christmas—which the boys would spend with their father—I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to miss Jude with this terrible ache inside my broken soul.

Two weeks after our fight, Dane, Luke, and Aiden silently entered the living room where I sat in a big cushy chair, looking at work files on my laptop but not really seeing anything.

I glanced up when Luke shoved Aiden forward.

“Why me?” Aiden grumbled.

“You’re the oldest,” Luke answered.

“And we’re not supposed to know about this stuff,” Dane whispered in his not-so-quiet voice.

Curiosity piqued, I shut the laptop.

“Fine.” Coming closer, Aiden took a seat on the edge of the sofa. “It’s Thursday night, Mom.”

“What? Oh I guess it is.” I pretended I didn’t know exactly what day it was.

“Well, I called Joelle to see if she’d come over.”

“You did? Why?”

Dane sat cross-legged on the floor beside my chair. “You used to go out on Thursday nights.”

“That was to play Bunko with my girlfriends.” I thought I lied smoothly enough even though my heart fluttered.

“Right. Bunko.” Aiden rolled his eyes in that typically teenage way.

Luke stomped over looking so much like the best part of his dad. “Look, Mom. Enough is enough already. You and Jude were . . . whatever, right? We’re not dumb. And it had something to do with Thursday nights or something. And Jeeeeesus, just go win him back or something already.”

“You knew?” I stared at the three of them.

“Uh duh? The dude had his tongue shoved down your throat.” That was Luke again, no surprise there.

Aiden elbowed him in the ribs.

Dane piped up. “What Luke said.”

Aiden leaned forward. “And you were a lot more fun with him around. Not that you aren’t awesome anyway, but—”

“Okay. Okay! Y’all better stop now before I take away your computer privileges.” I gave a wet laugh, determined not to tear up again.

“Aiden’s porn privileges more like,” Luke mumbled.

I am not even touching that one right now.

And then Joelle sauntered in, without knocking or ringing the doorbell. “Oh, Lord.” She tsked. “Mom’s not still hemming and hawing, is she?”

The boys—my lovely loyal children—all nodded.

Joelle took my hand and heaved me up to my feet. “You need a good swift kick in the ass.”

She swatted my behind instead. “Get upstairs. Get dressed. Get Jude back. And stop making everyone miserable, for God’s sake.”

Completely steamrolled in my own house, I hurried to my bedroom. I wouldn’t be a coward anymore.

I changed my clothes, but what I chose to wear was nothing like the finely tailored outfits I usually met Jude in.

I hoped he’d understand, because Aiden took one look at me and blurted, “Really, Mom?”

“Yes.”

“She might as well wear the wolf costume again.” Nose scrunched up, Dane scanned me up and down.

“She’s so gonna bomb out,” Luke muttered under his breath.

Even Joelle looked skeptical.

I was about to take the biggest risk of my life, and I wasn’t sure I even stood a chance with Jude anymore.