Chapter Thirty-Two
I hugged my knees to my chest, slouching deeper into the corner of the sofa. Two weeks had dragged by since Aidan left, two weeks of boredom and anxiety and a yawning emptiness inside me. Rade had accepted the divorce papers, as promised, and we'd both attended our pretrial conference during which he'd insisted on giving me a financial settlement. He seemed to feel guilty for delaying things for so long and for taking advantage of my bad situation to talk me into marrying him. After all these years, he'd finally accepted the truth. I would never love him. Now I had to wait for our final hearing, when the divorce would become final.
Seven more weeks to go. Then I'd be free.
Aidan called every day. Our conversations were awkward and painful, both of us having no idea what to say to each other. Seona was indeed very pregnant but she refused to have any paternity testing done. She still wanted money, of course. When Aidan had threatened to seek a court order for the test, she relented and agreed to it.
The last time I'd talked to Aidan, the day before yesterday, he'd sounded exhausted and harried. I glanced toward the kitchen and the clock on the microwave, its numbers glowing in the oncoming twilight. It was a little after nine o'clock. I hadn't heard from Aidan in more than forty-eight hours. Dozens of times today I'd picked up the phone intending to call him. Dozens of times, I chickened out. What if he'd learned the baby was his? He would marry her, I knew. I loved his nobility but I couldn't stand to hear the news of him marrying someone else. Not knowing ate me up inside, yet knowing might hurt even worse. Maybe that's why he hadn't called, because he realized I'd be devastated. Aidan would never hurt me if he had a choice in the matter.
The whole mess had turned me into a bundle of anxiety, my stomach twisting into knots every time I thought about it. I'd told Gavin and Tara everything. Absolutely everything. Gavin had wanted to "beat the holy living shit" out of Rade for convincing me to marry him, but I'd talked my brother out of that idea. I loved him for offering, but since I was on my way to divorce court anyhow, I didn't see the point. Tara labeled my soon-to-be ex-husband "a slimer of the first degree who should be chucked into a volcano." My loved ones had to hate him on principle, but I couldn't. I pitied him. Rade had been so afraid to declare his feelings for me that he'd wasted years of both our lives on the belief I would someday love him. Though he'd gotten his citizenship, he would never have me.
The horrible irony of it all was that I'd found a man I could love, a man I wanted to marry, only to lose him. Aidan had claimed fate brought us together and I scoffed. Lately, I'd begun to wonder if fate had played a hand in our relationship, thought not for the better. We'd ignored the signs we didn't belong together, and fate had slugged us in the gut.
I must have lost him, otherwise he would've called. What if he'd made up with Seona and realized he loved her? I wanted him to be happy. I had to accept it if someone else gave him what he needed.
My ricocheting thoughts kept bouncing back to one fact. I'd known Aidan for two weeks before he left the country. How well did I know him? Could we really be in love after such a short time? Maybe we were deluding ourselves, drunk on hot sex and the dizzying high of our whirlwind relationship.
My phone rang.
Surprised, I almost dropped the phone when I plucked it off the coffee table. It rang twice more as I fumbled to get it flipped right side up and swipe the screen to accept the call. "Hello?"
"Calli, it's me."
Aidan's voice flowed through me like Atholl Brose, sweet and spicy and warmly welcoming. So unlike the last time we'd talked on the phone. Good news? Oh God, I prayed for that.
"How are you?" I asked, striving for an equanimity I didn't feel.
"Exhausted but fine." He paused for a heartbeat, then said in the sultry tone I remembered so well, "I've missed you."
"Oh Aidan, I've missed you too." The mere sound of his voice had me melting into the sofa cushions, relief overwhelming the anxiety for a blessed moment. "No wonder you're exhausted. Why are you awake? Isn't it two a.m. there?"
"It is. Planned to get some rest and call you in the morning, but I cannae sleep."
I sat up, straight and stiff, my hand tightening around the phone. "Is there news?"
"Aye." He paused again, hauling in an audible breath. "The baby's not mine."
Every muscle in my body went weak. I collapsed against the sofa again, my head falling back, my gaze on the ceiling. "Did she lie?"
"No, not quite. After the results came in, she admitted she'd slept with someone else while she and I were together. She couldn't know which of us was the father."
"You're always very careful to use condoms."
"I am, but no protection is perfect. Mostly, she wanted me to be the father because this other man was a one-night stand. She doesn't know his name, much less how to contact him."
"What about her demands for money?" I asked. "What excuse did she give for that?"
"Desperation. She's alone and running out of money. Her family moved to Australia last year and she's been embarrassed to tell them about her troubles."
I had no clue what to say to all of this. What was the appropriate response? Seona had behaved in a despicable manner, but had she done any worse than Rade had done to me? If I didn't hate him, I supposed I couldn't hate her either. Desperation made people do stupid, selfish things.
"Seona doesn't want money anymore," Aidan said. "My sister Fiona has a friend in social services who's helping Seona. Her mother's coming to be with her until the baby's born and after that they'll all go to Australia."
"I'm glad she's getting what she needs."
"This means it's over. We can be together, Calli."
Could we? Yes. Should we? A month ago, we'd been strangers. Two weeks together had seemed like enough, until he returned to Scotland and I had two more weeks to consider the ramifications of leaping into a relationship.
"Are you there?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm here." I drew my knees up, hooking my free arm around them. "I don't know if it's a good idea."
"What?"
"Us. We haven't known each other long. A couple weeks, really, and I'm not sure that's enough."
His sigh huffed through the phone. "How long would be long enough? A month? Six months? I love you and you love me. More time won't change that."
"I thought I loved you. Maybe we've both been blinded by two weeks of incredible sex."
"What we have is more than sex and you know it." He groaned, a sound of frustration and weariness. "You've had too much time to think and come up with reasons we don't belong together. I know you worry you don't know me, but you do. What happened with Rade, the problems Tara and Gavin had, those have nothing to do with you and me."
"I thought I knew you. Then you announced we were moving to Scotland."
"Wasn't an announcement. I'm sorry I upset you, but I didn't mean it as an order. We can talk about the options."
"My home is here. Your home is there. What's to discuss?"
"Why won't you come visit me here," he said in a reasonable tone, "and at least see what it's like before making up your mind."
"If I don't want to move there, what then?"
"Told you before," he said, "I'll live in America if that's what you want."
"And you'll hate me for making you leave your beloved homeland."
"For Christ's sake, Calli. What do you want me to say?" Silence followed, with lots of deep-breathing noises. Regaining his composure, no doubt. "We can work it out. Please stop looking for excuses to end this."
As much as I longed to teleport myself to Scotland and crawl onto his lap, to let him soothe me and convince me everything would work out, something inside me wouldn't let go of the fear.
"Bad things happen," I said. "Life has taught me to expect them. Good things are rare and I can't risk it on the hope we might beat the odds."
"Please don't do this. I'll fly over there and we can talk in person."
And he would change my mind. We both knew it. But eventually, reality would flood in again and I'd be trapped in another country. "I'm sorry. You'll never know how much knowing you has meant to me, but I can't do this. Goodbye, Aidan."
I disconnected the call.
And cried until I fell asleep, slumped on the sofa with the phone still in my hand.
*****
On this warm and sunny morning, three days after I'd told Aidan it was over, I would've preferred to wallow in private. Instead, my cousin and my brother had knocked on my door — without any advance notice, determined to cheer me up.
"You okay?" Gavin asked. He sat next to me on the sofa, half turned toward me.
Tara sat forward in the armchair kitty-corner to where I hunched on the sofa, her worried gaze locked on me. In her dainty hand, she held two sheets of paper.
My chin on my knees, I sighed miserably and at last answered Gavin's question. "No, I'm not the least bit fine."
"You love him," Gavin said, "so call the guy and tell him."
"He knows and it doesn't matter." I buried my face between my knees, wrapping my arms tighter around them. "I can't marry a man I knew for two weeks."
"Spend more time with him. Get to know the guy better."
"Won't make a difference. I can't trust my judgment where he's concerned, I get swept up in the romance of it all and forget to be rational."
"Love isn't rational, C. You've got to take a chance." Gavin pointed at the piece of papers Tara held. "He's not giving up. Can you really walk away from this?"
I rubbed my arms, uneasy at the sight of the papers covered in handwritten words. Aidan's letter. It had arrived yesterday by FedEx, but I'd mutated into a coward who couldn't open a frigging letter. Instead, I'd burst into tears when I saw the return address with Aidan's name in it. This morning, I'd finally summoned the courage to rip open the envelope and read the letter.
I cried for three hours after that. No one had ever written me a love letter, much less one so beautiful and tragic.
I'd let Tara and Gavin read the letter because Aidan had concluded his two-page missive with the statement that I should "let Tara and Gavin read this, because you need their support." Aidan had told me before he went home that he would fight for me. I assumed he meant I'd need support to realize I was being an eejit.
Which I was. An idiot and a coward.
The first few sentences of his letter would've made me smile, if I didn't feel like my insides had been hollowed out.
"In the name of transparency," he'd written, "I should tell you Lachlan sent Erica a note after their breakup. That's not why I'm writing to you. Lachie only managed two words and I have much more to say." After that, he'd talked about our two weeks together and how much they'd meant to him, how much he missed me, how much he wished I could be there with him. "I know you're afraid, but staying away from me won't make you feel any safer. Don't give up on us. Come see me, or I'll come to you, and we'll take as long as you want getting to know each other. Please give us another chance."
Recalling his words, I felt the sting of tears once again. God, I missed him. What the hell was I doing? I loved him. He'd treated me better than anyone in my life.
The last line of the two-page letter echoed in my mind. "I'll love you for the rest of my life and the whole of eternity."
I swiped at my eyes, sniffling. "Even if I wanted to, how could I run back to him now? After the way I hurt him?"
"He'll forgive you," Gavin said.
"Maybe, but he shouldn't. I'm bad news."
"Bullshit."
"Let's review," Tara said, holding the letter up so she could peruse it again. "How does Aidan MacTaggart feel about Calli Douglas?" She scanned down the letter, following the path of her gaze with one fingertip on the paper. "I've never loved anyone but you, he says. Those weeks with you were the best of my life and I believe with all my heart we will be together one day. You are the love of my life."
Tara lowered the paper and gave me an empathetic look.
I clamped my bottom lip between my teeth. The love of his life. He was the love of mine, for sure.
"But here's my favorite part," Tara said, reading from the letter again. "I should've told you I wanted us to live in Scotland, but I honestly didn't think about it. I was consumed with the need to win you. The moment we met, I knew I wanted you and only you. Please believe me, mo cree — crid — " She struggled to pronounce mo chridhe, but gave up with a shrug. "Please believe me, I will go anywhere you want. Just come back to me."
Gavin laid a hand on my arm. "We all know what he wants. And we know you want him back. The question is, are you willing to take the risk and go after him?"
Did I have the courage to fix what I'd broken? If he rejected me, despite his letter...Well, at least I gave it my best shot.
Tara shook her head. "Don't be a chicken, sweetie."
"Jamie says he's heartbroken," Gavin told me, "but he's trying to hide it. You're the same way, and if you don't get your ass on a plane right away, I'll hogtie you and send you to Aidan in a FedEx box."
I lifted my head, which felt like it weighed fifty pounds. "Thanks for the stern encouragement, but I don't know if I can do it. Move to another country? You guys would be so far away."
"He says you can work that stuff out," Tara said. "The man adores you and would do anything for you. Isn't that worth an airline trip to find out if you can be together?"
"What if I don't know him after all?" I said. "Mom and Dad kept secrets from us. Gavin's wife up and left him for no good reason. Then there's your first husband, Tara."
My cousin rolled her eyes. "If we're over our past traumas, you should be too. These are lame excuses and you know it."
Gavin folded his arm around me and pulled into a hug. "I get why you're scared. After everything that's happened, it's easy to think nothing good could ever come. But good things do come. Look at me and Jamie."
She and Gavin kept in touch by phone, text, and any other modern convenience available to them. They were the cutest couple on earth, and I wished them nothing but happiness — even if I didn't have any for myself. Maybe I still had a chance to reclaim mine.
"And there's me and Blake," Tara said. "Two sickeningly happy couples."
"Three," Gavin corrected. He gave me quick squeeze. "If this idiot will get off the sofa and go to Scotland."
I pulled away from him, unbending my legs. "Scotland? I can't pick up and go there. What about the puppies?"
My gaze traveled to the backyard where, as usual, Mandy and Misty were frolicking.
"I'll stay here," Gavin said, "and take care of the pooches for you. If you marry Aidan, I can bring the girls over there when I come for the wedding."
I shook my head. "Planning the wedding is a little premature, don't you think?"
"Go, Calli."
Thanks to the settlement from Rade, which he'd paid me already, I could afford the trip. I could see Aidan again. Touch him. Kiss him. Beg him to take me back. Excitement rushed through me, electrifying every nerve, tingling over my scalp, lightening my psyche. Gavin and Tara were right. I had to try.
So he neglected to tell me he wanted to live in Scotland. He was willing to go wherever I wanted, and besides, I hadn't thought to ask where we'd live if I fell for him. It hadn't been a lie, just an oversight.
A realization struck me like a meteor. I would risk anything to have another chance with him.
I leaped off the sofa, standing up straight. "I'm going to Scotland to get my man."
Tara grinned and squealed, leaping up to suffocate me in a bear hug. Gavin joined in and I found myself enveloped by the two people I loved second most in the world. Aidan came first — and I would get him back, whatever it took.
I bolted for the bedroom to pack my bags.