Chapter Thirteen
A little while later, after Aidan had cleaned up in the bathroom, we lay on the bed together on our sides so we could face each other. I was tucked under the covers in my nightie, while he lay on top of the blanket with all his clothes on. I still couldn't believe what I'd done. Letting him watch me masturbate, that was outrageous enough. But pleasuring him… I'd enjoyed it way too much.
I couldn't believe I'd done that. Me. I'd never touched a man's penis before, much less taken one in my mouth. His reactions, the expression on his face, it had all spurred me on and eradicated my inhibitions. I loved making him lose control, the way he made me lose it. Only fair I get my turn.
Still… What we'd done, what I'd done, skirted way too close to a line I'd sworn to him I wouldn't cross. Was I prepared for the consequences if I shattered my first rule? I already liked him. Could I stop this from turning into more than sex?
Anxious to avoid thinking about the ramifications of my actions, I dived into what seemed like a safer subject. Nestling into the covers, I asked, "What are your brothers like?"
"I've told you Lachlan used to be uptight before Erica. He's still overbearing, but a lot more fun than he used to be. Rory's got a caber up his erse, but women seem to like him." Aidan propped his head up on one hand. "Of course, Lachlan and Rory both used to be more like me."
"Caber up his erse?"
"A caber's a bloody great wooden pole. Scotsmen like to chuck them around to show how manly they are. Not me, but others like Lachlan and Rory. And an erse is…" With one hand, he reached behind me to palm one buttock. "An erse."
"More Scottish-isms. I'm learning a new language." I punched my pillow to get situated better under my head. "You said your brothers used to be like you. What happened?"
"Lachlan married a right bitch." Aidan screwed up his mouth. "Suppose I shouldn't say it, but she wasn't a nice person. Don't know what she did to Lachlan, but he wound up terrified to love anyone else. When he met Erica, he offered her a one-month fling but vowed he'd never love her and couldn't offer anything more substantial. He couldn't help it, though, he fell for her."
"What about Rory?"
Aidan rolled his eyes heavenward, then back to my face. "Ah, Rory. He married three different women who each shoved that caber a bit further up his erse. One left him because he was too boring, being a solicitor and all. The second cheated on him several times. And then there was the third, who left him for another woman."
"Ouch."
"It's no bloody wonder he has no interest in dating anymore." Aidan rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "He does run off on so-called business trips on occasion, though. When he comes back, he's much more cheerful — for a time, at least. Makes me wonder if he's off having one-night stands, to satisfy his needs without risking another disastrous relationship."
"He can't be happy with that lifestyle."
"Clearly not, or he wouldn't have the caber up his erse." Aidan smiled ruefully. "The man needs a good woman to shag some sense into him."
"An American of his own?"
He hooked a finger under my chin and brushed a kiss over my lips. "Couldnae hurt, eh?"
"Don't get any ideas. I'm not your key to happiness."
"How do you know?"
"Take my word for it." I slid a hand over his chest, relishing the solidity of him. "Not sure I'd want to meet Rory if he's that much of a jerk."
"He's not a jerk," Aidan said. "Sometimes he's the old Rory again, smiling and joking, like at Lachlan's wedding. He helps people with their legal problems even if they can't pay him and he donates his money and his time to worthy local causes."
"All right, he sounds like a good guy in spite of the caber." I gave him a teasing smile. "What about your sisters? How do they feel about marriage?"
"Not sure about Fiona and Catriona. They don't talk about it. But Jamie…" He rolled his eyes heavenward once more, shaking his head. "Jamie wants to fall in love at every opportunity until she finally meets her Prince Charming. Last night, she announced she plans to come to America, stay at Erica's house in Chicago, and look for an American man."
"She's younger than you, right?" When he nodded, I frowned. "Not sure a young woman from another country should be alone in Chicago, especially if she's hunting for a man."
"I agree," he said, "which is why I tried to talk her out of it. She's determined, though, and she'll empty her bank account to pay for the trip. Since she's between jobs, that doesn't seem like a wise choice."
"What will you do about her?" I asked.
"Called Lachlan last night. He's going to give it one more go at convincing her this is a bad idea."
"If he fails?"
Aidan shrugged one shoulder. "Our only idea is I go back to Chicago to keep an eye on her."
The thought of Aidan leaving made me a little queasy. There had to be another way, something that wouldn't require him to leave. For some reason, I couldn't stomach the idea. Not yet.
"What if," I said cautiously, "you didn't have to go away? What if your sister could come here?"
"Here?" His forehead wrinkled. "There are no rooms available in this area."
"I know, but…" I hesitated, feeling a bizarre mixture of excitement and trepidation at what I was about to propose. "Jamie could stay here here, in this house. In the guest room."
Aidan watched me for a moment, confusion warring with something like desire on his face. "If she's in the guest room, where would I be?"
"On the sofa."
His lips puckered, he nodded slowly. "Ah, of course. The sofa."
"Were you hoping I'd invite you to sleep in my bedroom?" I nudged him with my knee. "We're not there yet."
He looked dejected, but only for a couple seconds. Then his sly smile returned. "Not yet? You're implying we may get there."
"Don't read too much into everything I say." I rolled onto my back, hands clasped over my belly. Why had I said not yet? I'd meant to say never, but that's not what had come out of my mouth. "I'm trying to keep your sister from getting into trouble."
"And I appreciate it." He sidled closer, his head inches from mine, still braced on one hand. "Tell me, why do you care so much how my family feels about marriage?"
"I suffer from an insatiable and inappropriate curiosity."
"Hmm." He studied me with keen interest, his eyes narrowed. "You say you won't fall in love with me, but you can't marry me. One is a choice, the other implies an impenetrable barrier. Eventually, you will be divorced, which means you could marry me."
"Yes, I suppose I could." I hesitated, unsure how much to say. "But you're better off without me. I'm bad news."
He made an irritated noise. "Stop telling me you're bad. I don't believe it and I never will."
"Stop being so stubborn. Why can't you accept my decision?"
"Because it's clear that's not what you want. I wouldn't be here if it was." He laid a hand on my arm. "Why don't you want to care for me? Am I so frightening?"
"No, of course not. I feel safe with you."
"Donnae understand. Is it your husband who scares you?"
I shut my eyes, covering my face with my hands, letting them slide back down to rest on my chest. My gaze on the ceiling, I said, "Not him. It's way too soon for me to share my deepest fears with you."
Silence. Deep and long and nerve-wracking.
When I could no longer take the silence, I peeked sideways at him.
He watched me, impassive, reminding me of my brother whenever he got fed up with me for not answering a question. I didn't like that look from Aidan. I wanted him to smile or reassure me or… something. My skin crawled from an unsettling realization that I yearned to tell him everything, because he listened and cared and seemed to understand me better than he had a right to, considering how short a time we'd known each other. I shouldn't say more.
Five days. That was the extent of our acquaintance. Five days and counting.
"You're exhausted," he said, caressing my arm with feathery sweeps of his fingers over my skin. "Sleep now, worry later."
Too tired to argue, I curled up against him with my face on his chest. As I drifted off to sleep ensconced in his warmth and his strong but yielding body, I wondered about my actions so far. I vowed to resist him, but at every turn I surrendered without hesitation. A small but strengthening voice inside me asked why I was fighting my desires. We were consenting adults. I had no reason to avoid enjoying the full benefits of Aidan's company. Maybe…
All thoughts spiraled away from me, banished by the blissful emptiness of sleep.