CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Every second felt like an hour as Billie waited for the man she loved to reply to her tearful question. Torn apart and heartbroken, she stood there silently, giving him every opportunity to explain himself. So far it hadn’t been as appallingly bad as she’d feared. If she believed him – and she wanted to – he hadn’t known when she’d told him and he hadn’t instigated the background investigation.
It made things…slightly better.
But the big sticking point for her was if he didn’t care, then why didn’t he get rid of the file? Or give it to her? It made no sense to keep it. Obviously he hadn’t planned on showing it to her because he’d had it for awhile and hadn’t done that.
He’d kept it close at hand. As if he were planning to open and read it. Someday. Eventually. Maybe when he was alone and she was in Paris? There’d be no danger of her walking in on him then.
“Why, Tyler?” she asked again when he didn’t answer. His own anguish was written clearly in every line of his face. He looked gray and older today and not much like the sex symbol he was. “Why did you keep it?”
Scraping his fingers through his hair, he was clearly struggling to find the words.
“I didn’t want you to find it,” he admitted, groaning as he did. “I knew you’d be upset that Garrett had you investigated.”
“So you kept it on your desk?” That didn’t make sense. “You should have known I would eventually find it. Or that Curtis would.”
Tyler wasn’t that stupid no matter how he pretended to act for the public.
“I didn’t plan on leaving it there. I had it in my hand and you walked into the office so I shoved it under the pile of scripts. I intended to do something about it but I forgot.”
This might be worse.
“You forgot?” Billie echoed. Hurt, disappointment, and anger all warred for dominance but somehow she managed to sound as if she didn’t want to smack his face and then walk away. He’d dealt her a sickening blow and she didn’t know how to begin to heal from it. “You forgot a disgusting intrusion into my privacy? You just tossed the file down on the desk and forgot all about it? I find that hard to believe because if the roles had been reversed I don’t think I would have done that, Tyler. It would have bugged me every single day until I told you the truth.”
“If I could do it all over again, I would do things differently.” He sounded frustrated that she wasn’t just dropping the whole thing. Well, fuck him. “I love you, Billie, more than I thought I could ever love someone. I made a mistake. Are you going to let that ruin what we have?”
“I won’t let you turn this around on me as if I’ve done something to be sorry for. I didn’t do this. You did. I’m just calling you on your bullshit.”
He swore under his breath. “This isn’t bullshit. I fucked up, okay? I should have destroyed the file but I didn’t. I should have told you that Garrett had you investigated but I didn’t. And maybe I should have even given you the file. But I didn’t. And Jesus, I am sorry. I am so sorry but I can’t go back and change the past. I can only go forward. Are you going to hate me forever for this?”
Typical. He was all drama but she wouldn’t be sidetracked by his display of emotion. She wanted to be very clear about how she felt about this.
“I don’t hate you. Far from it. I love you, Tyler, and that’s why this hurts so much.” She choked as a fresh spate of tears burned the back of her eyes. “Because there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe…just maybe…you kept that file because there was a part of you that wondered what was in it. You wondered if I was good enough. Perhaps in the back of your mind you knew that eventually you’d open it and see what was inside, but you didn’t want to admit it to yourself. You might have read it the night before our wedding or maybe before. Or you could have waited until we got back from our honeymoon or when I told you I was pregnant with our first child. I’m not sure what your motivation was but if you’re brutally honest with yourself I don’t think you know either. You kept that file for a reason.”
This. When it came down to it, this was what she was hurt and disappointed about.
“I’m not upset that Garrett had me investigated. I’m upset that you kept the file and moreover you kept its existence a secret from me. And frankly, I don’t know what to do with that pain and hurt. Tell me how I’m supposed to feel and I’ll do it because I’m at a loss. You kept talking about how I didn’t trust you, Tyler, but the fact is you didn’t trust me.”
Dropping down onto the mattress, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears fall. Finally giving in to the wave of hurt and anger that had been building since she’d opened that file earlier today. Just a few hours and yet it felt like a lifetime ago.
“Baby girl…”
His soft voice normally made her feel comforted but it didn’t this time. Instead she started crying harder, her shoulder shaking with the force of her misery. This day that had started with such promise had all gone to hell. The bed sagged and then she was pulled into Tyler’s strong arms. For a moment she allowed herself to luxuriate in his strength, but then she remembered that nothing was resolved. He hadn’t yet answered her questions to any level of satisfaction.
“No,” she said firmly, pushing at his shoulder until his arms dropped away. He looked as miserable as she felt. At least he wasn’t pretending this wasn’t a big deal anymore. “You haven’t answered me.”
“I love you and I trust you.”
Rubbing at an aching temple, she wished she had a time machine and could fly back before she ever knew that damn file existed. “That’s not an answer. Why did you keep the folder? Because I have trouble believing you forgot it.”
“I don’t know.”
That she believed. What he would admit to himself consciously was far different than the little voice in the back of his head. That niggling doubt about her past.
“And that’s why I’m leaving tonight. I need some space from this to figure out how to deal with the hurt.”
“I’ve hurt you,” he said after a long silence. “And I know I have some making up to do, but I think you should stay here. We can talk about this and I can figure out a way to fix things.”
Fix things.
She took a deep breath and wiped at her wet cheeks. “That makes us even because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Are we supposed to fight? Scream and yell? Am I supposed to surrender and let it go? Tell me, Tyler, what am I supposed to do?”
She was frozen with indecision. The only option she’d even contemplated was leaving early for Paris, going somewhere she could hopefully think clearly. She couldn’t do that with Tyler dogging her heels twenty-four-seven.
And he would do that. It was his nature not to drop it until it was resolved. In his favor.
“I don’t know that either,” he answered bleakly, his shoulders hunched. “I’m just terrified that if you walk out that door you won’t come back.”
“I live here, Tyler. I have to come back.”
“You know what I mean.”
She did but she didn’t want to contemplate it. “I want to believe that we can move past this but right now I need some space. I’m asking you to give me that. Will you?”
Tyler wanted to say no. She could see it in his eyes and expression. When he didn’t reply right away she could only surmise that he was weighing his options, wondering what would happen if he said no.
She was going to leave anyway. But she’d let him come to that conclusion on his own. Her cell buzzed with a text from the car service. They were outside the gate. It was time to go.
“The car is here for us,” Billie said even though Tyler hadn’t given his answer yet. At this point, it didn’t matter. She needed time and space and she was going to take it. “We need to go. I’ll text you when we get to Paris.”
“So you’re still going?”
Zipping up her suitcase, she sighed with barely concealed impatience. “I am. I told you I needed time to think about what we should do. I’m hurt, disappointed, and angry and I need to be able to process all those emotions. If I stay what would we talk about? Because I’m not ready to make nice right now and that’s what you want me to do, isn’t it? You want me to forgive and forget? Well, I’m not ready to do that. Maybe I will be in a few days or a few weeks.”
“I said I was sorry, babe.”
Billie pressed the button on her phone to let the car service in the gate. “I know you are and I appreciate that, but Tyler, this isn’t about you. I know that most of the time our relationship is all about you, or your career, or what movie you’re making, or what magazine you’re being interviewed by, and I usually don’t mind. But this time it’s about me. Can you allow that? Just this once can it be about me?”
His mouth fell open in shock at her words. He probably was gobsmacked that she’d said them out loud. They didn’t talk about the fact that the world revolved around him and his career but today she couldn’t keep quiet.
“Yes,” he said quietly, his expression almost ashamed. “I can do that.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty,” she sighed. “I just need you to back off for a little while. That’s all.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose you.”
“If you don’t give me some space that is definitely going to happen.”
Billie couldn’t say it any more plainly than that. It wasn’t an ultimatum. It was just the truth. If he couldn’t give her this she didn’t see how they were going to make any sort of long term relationship work.
Tyler picked up her suitcase and carried it down the stairs, neither of them saying a word. There wasn’t much left to say. She was talked out.
Sierra was waiting at the bottom of the stairs with her own suitcase, newly purchased and filled with a new wardrobe. She and Billie had gone shopping and Tyler had tagged along, egging them on to buy even more than they’d planned. Tears sprang to her eyes as she recalled his boundless generosity. How could that same man hold onto that vile folder?
Curtis was standing by Sierra looking uncomfortable, but that wasn’t far from his usual expression so Billie wasn’t too concerned. Tyler could tell his assistant as much or as little as he wanted after she left.
Sierra wore a nervous smile. It was only her second time in an airplane. She was going to be spoiled flying first class. “Are you ready, sis?”
“I am.” Billie reached for Tyler and gave him a hug. Although his body was stiffer than normal she found herself pulled closer, his lips pressed to hers for a long time. When he lifted his head she could have sworn she saw triumph there. Did he think that just because she was angry that she still didn’t love his stupid ass? “We need to get going or we’ll miss our flight. It might take a long time to get through security.”
The boys carried the bags down to the car and helped the driver load them into the trunk. Sierra slid into the backseat first and then Billie, her chest tight with the tears she was holding in. She had to go but this was harder than she’d thought it would be.
Being with Tyler was difficult but being without him was just as tough. How ironic. Love could really suck sometimes.
“Call me the minute the plane touches down,” Tyler commanded. “Does Sam know you’re coming early?”
“I didn’t call him. I was too busy changing flights and hotel reservations.”
“I’ll call him,” Tyler assured her. “Both of you have a safe flight. I’ll see you soon.”
That last sentence sounded like a promise…or a threat.
“I love you,” she told him. Because she did. “Thank you for giving me this time.”
His fingertips brushed her lips, sending a tingle up her spine.
“I didn’t give it to you. You took it. And I love you too.”
With that he stepped back and closed the car door so the driver could pull away from the house. A few tears escaped down Billie’s cheeks and she scrambled for a tissue from her handbag only to have Sierra press one into her hand.
“It’ll be okay. He loves you.”
The way Billie felt at this moment she wasn’t sure anything would ever be okay again.