Eric and Dash’s dinner was incredible as expected. They made a simple steak stir fry with one of the best sauces I’d ever had in my life. And all of my favorite people were in one place, and I realized all at once that it was the first time I’d been with just my former band members in far too long.

Of course I’d seen them all, at various times throughout the last decade. But too often it was at Chandler’s gigantic parties, where no intimate conversations could take place.

This was different. It was just us—along with Dash, Jamie, and Grey, and it was beyond comforting. It kind of felt like coming home.

There was one person who was notably absent from the dinner: Sandra, Chandler’s wife. I had always really liked Sandra, but it had seemed like she’d gotten so busy on her own in the past five or ten years, and often when I came to Chandler’s house, she’d be off somewhere else. Chandler had told us that she was out of the country as usual, off on one of her philanthropic trips. But I really began to feel the weight of her absence, as the rest of us had someone by our side, but Chandler sat alone at the head of the table.

And I couldn’t help but notice the slight sadness in his eyes as Leo brought up his upcoming wedding.

So after dinner, everyone cleared out of the kitchen and headed back to the living room to relax a little before the party started. I stayed back in the kitchen for a moment, grabbing Chandler and taking him aside.

“Hey,” I said to him gently, “I just wanted to check—is everything okay with Sandra?”

“Yeah!” he said, a little too quickly, pretending to be very focused on bringing dishes over to the sink.

“I’m serious,” I said, not breaking my gaze.

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. He set down the plate he was holding and quickly looked over my shoulder to make sure no one else was in earshot.

“Okay. I wasn’t going to mention anything before the party, because I didn’t want to… ruin the mood,” he said.

“Oh no,” I said, “is everything alright.”

He nodded quickly. “Yeah. Everything’s fine. I mean, no one is hurt, if that’s what you mean. But… Adam, Sandra and I are going to split up.”

I was silent. Dumbfounded. I could never have expected he would say that.

“Split up? You mean like, take a break?” Sandra and Chandler had been together for so long that I couldn’t even picture one of them without the other.

He shook his head. “No. Like, it’s over. Listen, you’re the first of the guys that I’ve told this to—Adam, please do not tell anyone else yet.”

“Of course I won’t,” I said. “But God, Chandler, are you okay?”

He took in another slow breath, then let it out, fixing his blue eyes on me. “I don’t know. I’ve been wavering between okay and not okay. I mean, we only just decided it recently, but… I feel like I’ve known for a while it was coming. We’ve been growing apart for years.”

I nodded, not really knowing what else I could say.

“So it’ll be a while before anything is final.”

“Final?” I asked, stupidly.

“Like… divorce,” he said, the word hanging in the air, ugly and awful.

“Shit, Chandler,” I said, involuntarily drawing him into a tight hug.

“I’ll be okay. I wanted to have this party tonight for a reason. I need it. I needed to see you guys. So let’s just have a good time tonight, okay?”

I let go of him reluctantly. “Alright. I’m not going to mention it. But please, Chandler, talk to me if you need to. While I’m here or when I’m away. I’m just a phone call away.”

“Thank you so much, Adam,” he said. He let out a quiet, bitter laugh. “Seems like we’ve switched places for the first time in our lives, huh?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“For the first time in years I’m going to be single and you’re in a relationship. It’s like… opposite land.”

I smiled, but in reality his comment hit me like a brick, making my stomach lurch.

Because he had no idea that in a little over a month, my relationship with Grey would be a big fat question mark.

“Grey seems so damn amazing, by the way,” Chandler said with a smile. “You got yourself a good one.”

I nodded, turning away a little to hide the pained expression I was sure must be all over my face. Because God, Chandler was right.

I did get a good one. But soon he’d be moving to a big city—sure, not the biggest one, but big enough that it would have all the things I swore I’d never deal with again. Constantly being recognized. People knowing what my background was. Maybe even people who had known my father.

I had gotten so lucky finding Grey, but so unlucky with timing.

* * *

For the first couple hours of the party, I was shocked at how calm and subdued it felt compared to other Chandler parties. For one, there was no theme—Chandler always had themes to his parties, but this one was strictly casual. There was still an open bar, but there weren’t the usual hundreds of people. It was a healthy sized group, and I saw a few of my old acquaintances from my days in 5*Star like crew members and sound engineers, but mostly I just wanted to stay by Grey’s side.

What Chandler told me had rattled me. Even hearing the word “divorce” put me so ill at ease, and made me drawn like a magnet to Grey’s side. Grey and I had only known each other such a short time, but already the thought of not having him seemed excruciating.

So I stayed near him. I filled his drink when he needed it. I introduced him to everyone I knew. I kept my hand at the small of his back throughout the night, just gently, needing some kind of physical contact with him. When he met my gaze it took everything in me not to get lost in his eyes, and I finally started to realize why people stuck so closely to their significant others at parties.

It used to bother me, seeing people not leaving their partner’s side. I’d wonder why they didn’t want to mingle, if they saw their partner every day anyway. But now I felt like Grey was a ballast, and the sadness of Chandler’s news tugged in my heart and made me feel lonely as hell even in a room full of people.

It might have been pathetic, but I just needed to be by Grey, that night.

Eventually, though, the party started to escalate to a more typical Chandler affair. People got drunk, and then too drunk, and then the sound system was turned way up. The party spread out onto the back deck, and people invited more friends. And then I found myself separated from Grey, unable to find him, and worried about where he might be.

I snaked through the now heavily crowded living room, pushing past the raucous people and bumping up against furniture. Finally I located Eric.

“Adam!” he said, beaming at me and bringing me into a loose hug. He was clearly drunk, very red-faced, and having a very good time. “I’ve been looking for you, man. Where’s Grey? I wanna introduce him to my friend who owns an ice cream shop.”

“I was just gonna ask you the same question,” I said, my eyes scanning the room. “I can’t find him.”

“It’s alright, dude, he’ll turn up.”

“I’m just worried—I mean, he probably shouldn’t be drinking at all after his fainting spell earlier—”

“Oh come on,” Eric said, waving a hand. “He’s fine now. It was a random thing, he ate some food. Maybe he’s out back having a cigarette?”

I shook my head. “Grey doesn’t smoke,” I said, furrowing my brow. “But… you might be right,” I said. Grey did take “smoke breaks” still, even though he didn’t smoke.

“Go check outside, Adam, you’ll find him! Maybe Dash is somewhere talking his head off about ice cream custard recipes.”

I gave Eric a firm pat on the back then headed out onto the balcony. It was crowded out there too, but I made two passes over the entire wide expanse near the pool, and found Grey nowhere. I did see Dash, but he was busy talking to Leo and Jamie, and none of them had seen Grey.

I looped back through the house and to the guest room Chandler had let Grey and I use for the weekend. Grey wasn’t inside, but on a whim, I checked out on the private balcony of the room.

“Grey,” I said, seeing him slumped over the railing on the small terrace, looking out at the street and palm trees below. The private balcony was nice, and I could hear the faint sounds of the party in the backyard, but couldn’t see any of the people.

“Hi,” he said, waving a hand feebly at me. “You caught me. I had to escape for a minute.”

“That’s totally fine,” I said. “I just was worried the alcohol might have hit you too hard, after earlier today….”

He shook his head as I sidled up next to him, leaning against the railing like he was. “Nah. I don’t think I’m gonna pass out again or anything. It just kinda got… overwhelming in there.”

I nodded. “Yeah. For a while I was convinced it was going to be the first small Chandler party ever, but… clearly that wasn’t the case.”

Grey hummed in agreement, and for a moment we stood in silence, the light breeze cool against our skin as the faint sounds of the party drifted toward us.

“God,” Grey said after a minute, “All of the guys are amazing, Adam.”

“The guys from the band?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I mean, I knew it would be cool meeting them, but shit. I’m like… humbled by this entire experience, to be honest with you.”

“I have a similar feeling when I see all these guys,” I said. “I got really, really lucky being able to be in a band with them. You see so many stories about bands who grow to hate each other, and it just… never happened to us. I probably like them even more now than when we were in the band together. They’re like brothers to me.”

“You’re so lucky to have that,” Grey said, his voice low. “I’m amazed you don’t want to live closer to L.A. just to be near everyone,” he said, turning to fix his eyes on me.

I let out a long breath. “Living in L.A. would not work for me,” I said, shuddering a little.

“Why not?”

“The paparazzi, for one,” I said. “I’m not that famous anymore but if I lived here, I’m sure some stray photographers would catch me doing something stupid. Especially if I was hanging out with Chandler.”

“Okay. But what if you lived… I don’t know, on the outskirts of Los Angeles?”

I turned to Grey with a smile. “What are you doing, trying to get me to move even further away from Portland?”

He cast his eyes down. “No, definitely not,” he said softly. “I just see how good you are with all of them, and it’s… I don’t know, heartwarming. No matter how cheesy that sounds.”

“I do feel good with them,” I said, leaning back and then sliding my arms around Grey’s waist from behind, pressing the length of my body up against his back. “I feel good with you, too.”

Grey hummed and arched back a little into my touch, and I bent to gently kiss against his neck, taking my time until he was moaning at the touch.

“Mmh, Adam,” he said, voice low, “shouldn’t…. shouldn’t we get back to the party?” he asked.

I nipped gently at his earlobe. “Fuck the party,” I said, and he laughed a little, twisting around in my arms until he was facing me.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said. He leaned in and kissed me, deep and slow, and it was so good, everything I’d wanted all night. I squeezed my arms tight around his waist, reaching up under the hem of his shirt to feel his cool skin.

“Come with me,” I said, reaching for his hand. I led him back into the room and to our bathroom, which was just as ultra-modern and magazine-worthy as every other bathroom in the house, with gleaming surfaces. “Shower with me?”

“Fuck yeah,” Grey said, a wicked smile on his face. In no time at all, he stripped off all of his clothes, as if he’d just been waiting to get out of them. I tried to hide my smile as I took off mine, too, leaving them in a heaping pile on the floor. Grey was in the shower fiddling with the many knobs and buttons that lined the tile wall.

“Um,” he said, peeking back at me, adorable and confused. “How do we… turn the water on?”

“Great question,” I said, coming up behind him. I snaked one hand around his waist from behind, lightly pressing up against him, feeling the heat radiating off the back of his body. He moaned a little at the contact and all at once seemed to completely lose interest in the workings of the shower.

He turned around to face me and began kissing softly at my neck and collarbone as I pressed random buttons and tried to make the water go on, distracted every second by Grey’s lips on my body. Eventually one of the buttons must have been the correct one, because the water instantly came on, falling like rain from a wide showerhead coming out of the ceiling.

Grey was pressed up against me, our cocks hard and rutting against one another as the water came down, wetting us. I wrapped him in my arms and kissed at the side of his head, then reached for one of the fancy-looking soaps that was perched on a ledge in the shower.

As steam filled the space I lathered my hands, eyeing Grey the whole time.

“Are you gonna wash me?” he said with a sly smile.

“I might,” I said, smiling back and moving around behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders and beginning to work the lather into his shoulder blades. “I wanted to touch you all night,” I said softly into his ear.

He let out a small moan. “Yeah, I certainly wasn’t complaining,” he said, eyes fluttering shut as he let his head loll backward toward me. “You can wash me all you want.”

I took my time. The party had gotten wild and no one would miss me and Grey. The night was ours, and I started to lather every inch of him, slow and methodical. I worked from his upper back and then moved lower, to his narrow waist and then onto his hips. I spent time at his ass before kneeling onto the floor, soaping up each leg and down to his feet.

“Turn around,” I said softly, and he turned to face me. I was now at about eye level with his cock, which was diamond-hard and dripping precum. Gorgeous.

I worked the front of his body in reverse, starting at the bottom and slowly working my way up, washing every part of him, the delicate skin of his inner thighs, to his cock. The little gasp he let out as I touched him there was so worth it; I think he had expected me not to touch his cock yet so when I did, he shuddered a little in response.

But I wasn’t finished. After his cock I worked my way up his stomach, to his chest, gently circling his nipples, which earned me another set of shudders from him, each one like a little gift.

I loved his body. Every pale inch, every soft patch of hair, every crook and curve. I loved how he responded to my touch, holding very still until the inevitable moments when he’d shake and moan—sometimes from the obvious places, like his cock, and sometimes when I’d least expect it, like my hand simply stroking over his hipbone.

When I reached his shoulders, I slipped my hands around him and brought him in for a slow, hot kiss. He was so pliant and supple, so hypnotized and responsive at that point, and it felt like when our lips came together he was giving himself to me. I pulled him into the flow of water again, rinsing all the suds off of him as I kept my face so close to his, working my hands over his body again to rinse him off.

When I looked up to meet his eyes again, they were as wide and gentle and pleading as I had ever seen them. Water clung to his dark hair, falling off in drops and rivulets and glittering along his lashes.

He said one word, but I felt like I had already understood his meaning just from looking at his eyes: “Please.”

I kissed his temple softly, and then took him by the hips and turned him around in my arms, using my force to firmly place him up against my body. He was facing away from me now, his back pressed against my chest, the back of his thighs along the front of mine, and my cock resting right in the curve of his ass. I reached my arm around to his front, holding him tight against me as I closed my fist around his cock.

“Fuck,” he moaned softly, putting a hand up against the tile wall in front of us as I began to stroke his cock. Until that moment I had been touching him so gently, so methodically, but now I applied firm pressure to his cock, stroking him in a rhythm while I pressed my body against his.

“Oh God, Adam,” he uttered, and I felt him start to shake in my arms. It was so much, feeling the even heat of the back of his body along my front, and after a minute I couldn’t even help but rut against him, sliding my cock along his ass as I stroked his cock in front of me. I nipped and kissed at the back of his shoulders, resting my head against him as I quickened my pace on his cock.

He whimpered as I took my free hand and laced it in his hair, giving it a gentle tug backward. I’d learned that Grey loved this—loved having his hair pulled while we fucked, and I brought his head back and twisted slightly forward so that I could kiss him while I tightened my hand around his cock.

He moaned into my mouth, hot and hungry, and when I took his bottom lip in between my lip and worried it gently, his moan only got louder, more desperate.

“Adam,” he whispered when I pulled away, his eyes half-closed and face almost looking pained. “I’m so fucking close, Jesus fuck it feels so good—”

“Good,” I said low into his ear. I kissed at the space on his neck behind his earlobe. “I want you to come, Grey. Come in my hand.”

He let out a louder half-groan half-whimper, then whispered another barely audible “ohmygod,” and then he was tensing against me, reaching an arm back to grip hard against my thigh as he came. I felt every shuddering breath he took as he tensed again and again, wet heat spilling over my hand before falling away with the shower.

I pressed my lips to his neck as he came, holding him as he shook in my arms.

“Beautiful,” I murmured against him, shaking my head slightly. “So fucking beautiful, Grey.”

After a while he stilled in my arm, and I gently released my grip on his cock. I kept pressing gentle kisses along his shoulder, letting him come back down to Earth.

“Fuck,” he whispered again.

“You okay?” I said against his skin.

“More than okay,” he said quickly. “You’re just—I—you are so—”

I chuckled, low and soft, gently gripping his hips and spinning him around. He looked thoroughly wrecked, eyes relaxed and half-lidded. “I know,” I said to him. I didn’t quite know what words he was searching for, but I think I knew how he felt—because I think I felt the same way. It was something I didn’t quite know how to put into words, either.

When Grey looked down at my still achingly-hard cock, his eyes widened for a moment. I was about to tell him he didn’t have to do anything—he was so blissed-out and in reverie that I kind of thought he was about to fall asleep—but after eyeing my cock he immediately dropped down to his knees, closing his fist around the base.

I watched as he wrapped his lips around the tip, slowly sinking down, until he reached as far as he could go.

And then my mind went completely haywire as he took me in further. He moved my cock into his throat, taking me deeper than he ever had, just for a moment all of my cock disappearing inside him.

“Holy fuck,” I whispered. A moment later he released, pulling back and looking up at me with wide, excited eyes.

“I’ve never done that before—not that deep,” he said, a smile almost playing over his lips. “Whoa.”

I could certainly remember how much he’d enjoyed this once before—“fuck my mouth,” I remember him telling me explicitly, and that memory sent a shiver through me even now.

Grey liked it. He wasn’t just doing it to make me feel good.

“Jesus Christ Grey,” I said, still a little overwhelmed and wondering how the hell I had found someone like him.

“It’s intense,” he said, and his lips closed over my cock again. I half-thought he was going to be done with it, but he sank down around me again, pushing my cock inside all the way to the hilt, this time taking it in for a few strokes before releasing again.

“Good God that feels so fucking good,” I said, breathing deep and lacing my hands through his hair.

He let out a deep groan as he pulled off. “I love feeling you all the way inside like that,” he said, meeting my eyes in a devious glance.

“I gotta warn you, I feel like I could come soon,” I said quickly.

“That’s okay,” he said, looking up at me from under his lashes, “You can come inside me.”

Fucking hell, the truth was I felt I could almost come just from hearing him say that.

So when his mouth closed over me again, taking my cock all the way inside him and stroking over me, hot and tight, I felt myself starting to lose control.

“Oh my God Grey I can’t hold on any longer—” I said, and it only made him stroke over me quicker.

And then I felt it moving over me, the hot rush as I felt myself coming, tensing up and groaning deep as I came into Grey’s mouth. He swallowed around me, my cock completely buried in his mouth, and I had to hold a hand against the cool tile wall to keep from collapsing, it was too fucking good.

Way too good.

So good that when I finally opened my eyes again and saw him looking up at me, my instinct, the voice inside me, was only screaming one thought, over and over again.

I love you.

It was a shock even bigger than the mind-blowing orgasm, and it shot adrenaline through me, mixing with the hazy pleasure of coming. It was a cocktail of emotions I couldn’t even really comprehend, and when he pulled off of my cock and slipped back under the shower’s falling water, I had to take a moment to breathe, still leaning up against the tile.

I let my eyes fall gently closed again as he rinsed off, afraid to even look at him, afraid that if I met his eyes he would see it all over my face.

I loved him.

And it wasn’t just some crazy thought that shot through my brain only as I was coming—I still felt it, loud and clear, as my cock softened and I regained rational thought, still felt it as Grey fumbled with the knobs and turned off the stream of the shower.

“You okay?” he asked me, and finally I was brave enough to open my eyes and look at him. He was smiling, joyous, as if he was proud of the work he’d done. And he should have been.

“I’m—” I said, still struggling to form words that weren’t composed of “I” and “love” and “you.”

I took a deep breath in, and finally stood up straight again. “I’m good. Too good. Jesus Christ, thank you for that, Grey.”

He smiled even wider, and ruffled his hands through his wet hair in a far too adorable way, and then stepped out of the shower to go grab us clean towels.

I stepped out behind him, my legs still twitching and wobbly, and walked past the pile of our discarded clothes, grabbing the towel he was holding out toward me.

“What are we gonna do tomorrow?” he asked as he toweled off and then hung it over the shower handle.

“Um,” I said, still barely able to think about anything other than the last hour or so. “I think Chandler wanted to take us for a drive in one of his fancy whiz-bang cars,” I said.

“No way,” Grey said, perking up, eyes going wide.

“You like fancy cars?” I said, shocked as ever.

“Hell yeah I do,” Grey said.

“Really? You? I never would have pegged you for a car kind of guy….”

“I mean, I don’t really have enough money to be a car guy, but if I did… fuck yeah, I’d love a nice speedy thing. That’s so fucking cool.”

“Well, good, then,” I said with a laugh. “We’ll go in one of Chandler’s tomorrow. He loves showing those things off.”

Grey did a little happy dance before bounding off toward the bed, diving in naked under the covers.

I’d never seen him so happy. He was elated. Completely relaxed and at ease. He’d been so nervous about coming to meet Chandler, but now he seemed to be settling in, realizing that the other 5*Star guys were just people too, no matter how famous they were.

And as I tucked into bed next to Grey, I felt some aching mixture of ultimate joy and bitter sadness.

Because tonight, I’d realized I cared so deeply about Grey that I didn’t know how the hell I was going to let him go.