Leaning my elbows against the fence railing, I watch Cameron help one of the campers down from the horse he just rode, Cameron walking next to him the entire time with one of her hands on his leg so he wouldn’t be scared. I smile to myself when she and the boy start jumping up and down, cheering and giving each other high fives.
“She’s very good with the children,” Stratford states, walking up next to me and looking out into the pasture as Cameron shows the boy how to hold the reins and lead the horse back to the stables.
“She is. She’s amazing,” I agree.
As much as I wanted to continue needling Cameron all day just to get a reaction out of her, I realized as soon as we met out at the archery station that it wouldn’t be a good idea. And not just because she feigned ignorance on how to use a bow and arrow, and when I stood behind her with my hands on her hips, she stepped forward, turned, and aimed the damn thing right at my face. Which in turn prompted all of the kids to recite the camp rule that you never point an arrow or any kind of weapon at someone’s face. Cameron claimed she only did that to make sure the kids were paying attention, but the smirk on her face when she said that to me proved otherwise. Even though she put on a brave, confident attitude for Stratford’s benefit, I knew her better than that. I knew she was nervous and scared about the future of this camp. Every time I spoke and her eyes darted in Stratford’s direction, every time I touched her and she tensed up, then quickly forced herself to relax, I knew I needed to go easy on her.
It kills me that she’s so worried about the future of the camp. It makes me feel so damn ashamed of myself that I wasn’t here earlier to help her. I should have been here. I hate how weak and pathetic I was that I couldn’t see past my own misery and grief to put her first.
“It’s quite a big undertaking, running a camp this size.”
I tear my eyes away from Cameron to look over at Stratford.
“It is, but as you can see, Cameron handles this place beautifully. It’s a well-oiled machine with amazing workers and volunteers. There is nothing more important to her than this camp and these kids.”
I have to clamp my mouth closed and take a few deep breaths before I let my anger start speaking for me. I hate that Cameron has to impress this man, prove herself and the worth of this camp to someone like him who has more money than God and, with one wrong move, could shut this place down for good. I don’t understand how even after only two days he hasn’t seen what everyone else has. That this place helps people. This place gives people something to be happy about when they feel like life has failed them.
“I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t have Camp Rylan to come to,” I continue, turning away from the pasture to stare out over the land.
From the outside, the forty-acre land that was once a cotton plantation before the Civil War has a pecan grove, saltwater marshes, two lakes, orchards, and a thirty-five-thousand-square-foot stable with an attached dance studio. It’s the most beautiful piece of land I’ve ever been on, but that’s not all it is. It’s a home. It’s a safety net. It’s hope that not everything has to be about war and death and sadness.
“When those kids are at home, everywhere they look, there are reminders of how hard life can be. Whether they’ve lost one parent to war and they’re left behind with a parent who doesn’t know how to move on, or they’ve spent months away from one, never knowing if they’re coming home again, they can’t escape the worry or the fear or the grief. It eats away at them until it’s all they can think about. Camp Rylan gives them a place to escape. It gives them a place to be with people who know exactly what they’re going through. And it’s not just the kids this place helps. Cameron has become an amazing counselor over the years. Her sessions with the vets are remarkable, and no one walks out of there without feeling like they can conquer anything. This place has to continue existing. You can’t let the hope and the happiness be erased from their lives because of rules you have about happily married couples running a camp. This place would still be amazing, and it would still change people’s lives if I wasn’t here.”
Stratford stares at me without saying a word, and I wonder if I crossed a line talking to him like this, but I don’t care. What I said was true, even if he doesn’t know it. This place thrived while I was gone. Maybe it’s because Shelby and Eli are a happily married couple, but I don’t think so. It’s because of their hearts and because of Cameron’s heart and everyone else who works here that has a hand in helping these people. Stratford has followed us around all day watching Cameron and me interact with the kids; he’s seen the smiles on their faces and heard the laughter in their voices. He’s listened to Cameron tell him the personal stories of each and every child he came in contact with, because she knows them. All of them. She knows their names, she knows their ages, she knows their birthdates, she knows their favorite flavor of ice cream, and she knows which camp activity is their favorite. She knows what personal demons each one is struggling with, and she does whatever she can to fight them off and be their champion. If Stratford can’t see within an hour, let alone two days, that this place is worth fighting for, I don’t know what the hell he’s still doing here, or why he needs to spend the next few weeks wasting everyone’s time.
“I know you think I’m strange and that my requests are even stranger,” Stratford replies, turning away from me to continue watching Cameron out in the horse pasture. “I loved my wife to distraction. She was with me when I didn’t have two nickels to rub together. She loved me when we couldn’t even afford hot dogs for dinner, and she was with me every step of the way when I built my fortune, even through the long days, late nights, and ridiculous amount of travel. She loved me when I was at my lowest, and she brought me down a peg or two when I was at my highest and a cocky son of a bitch.”
Stratford pauses with a soft chuckle before sadness washes over his face as he continues with his story.
“I lost her ten years ago, very suddenly. I just woke up one morning and she was gone. Like I blinked and she no longer existed. She was no longer there to pick out my tie before I left for work, stop by the office with lunch because she knew I’d be too busy to grab something on my own, or stay up to ask me how my day was, no matter what time I came home. I buy suits in every color of the rainbow because she loved color. My world became dark as night when she died, and it makes me feel close to her wearing one of her favorite colors.”
I think about all the ways Cameron used to add color to my life growing up, just by smiling at me and making me feel loved and important. I think about how I lost her suddenly, and even though it was by my own doing, it changed me. It made me more sullen and less excited about my future. My life more…beige and boring. I suddenly don’t think Stratford’s demands are all that strange now. I can understand how losing someone changes your whole view on life and the way you behave.
He smooths his hands down the lapels of his bright purple suit coat and straightens his purple and yellow tie before turning to look at me.
“I have insane rules about who I give my money to, because losing my wife probably made me go a little insane,” he says with a soft smile. “I miss being in love. I miss having that one person in my life who knew everything about me, and still loved me anyway. I miss the way it felt to be having a bad day, and just the touch of her lips would make everything better. I miss not having someone to talk about my business with, who would still love me whether I made a good decision, or a horrible one. Seeing other people experience that, it makes me happy. Seeing a couple who love each other so much that they refuse to keep it to themselves and want to spread the love around makes me happy. Life’s too short to do something that doesn’t make you happy, and to spend your time with someone who isn’t your entire world.”
Stratford slides his hands into the pockets of his purple dress pants, giving me a nod.
“I’ll take everything you’ve said into consideration. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go rest before dinner,” he says before turning and walking away.
Shaking my head as I watch him walk away, Cameron comes up next to me and looks back and forth between Stratford’s retreating form and myself.
“Well, that went well. At least now I know why he’s so strange.”
I hate seeing the look of worry on her face as her eyes continue to dart over to Stratford, probably wondering if I screwed things up, so I quickly try to lighten the situation, saying the first thing I can think of to try and get a smile out of her.
“I can’t believe I put on a shirt for this,” I mutter with a smirk.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Everett,” she sighs, still looking off into the distance, where Stratford has met up with a worker who is walking him back to the main house.
“I’m not trying to pick a fight, I swear,” I tell her, feeling like a dick for the way I egged her on this morning, no matter how fun it was at the time. “I shouldn’t have been such a jerk this morning. But you know, the way you just couldn’t stop staring at me…”
She smacks me on the arm and laughs, a smile lighting up her face and erasing all the worry.
There it is. That’s what I was waiting for.
“I was only staring because you’re so hideous.”
I smile back at her and we both turn to rest our arms on the fence railing with our shoulders touching.
“Seriously. I’m surprised no one has told you before now. You really shouldn’t even go out in public. You’re going to start scaring small children and possibly make them cry,” she adds, bumping her shoulder against mine.
Cameron looks up at me and the smile slowly falls from her face when I don’t look away.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted last night. And this morning. You’re right, I do need your help and I shouldn’t have been such a bitch about it,” she tells me softly.
My eyes move away from hers and down to her lips when she licks them nervously. Almost five years away from this woman and I still want her even though I know I shouldn’t.
“I just want to know why,” she suddenly whispers.
My forehead creases in confusion as she continues looking up at me.
“Why Aiden and not me?”
She asks me the same question I’ve asked myself a thousand times over the last few years, but I know it means something different to her, and my heart beats faster, knowing I’m going to have to cut myself open and bleed out in front of her if I want to give her the truth.
“Why did you still keep in touch with him, and not me? Why did you push me away?”
There’s nothing I want to do more than get lost in her eyes and keep pretending things had been different, that I’d made different choices and I had every right to be here with her right now instead of forcing myself back into her life and taking advantage of her when she was at her lowest. I wish I could tell her everything, but it’s too late now. She doesn’t need the burden of knowing about my unrequited love from the past, on top of everything else.
“Because Aiden never made me want to forget about my dreams. He never made me want to stay,” I tell her, giving her as much truth as I can right now.
Her eyes fill with tears and I want to take the words back, but I know I can’t. She deserves answers and she deserves an explanation, no matter how much it hurts for me to say, as much as it hurts for her to hear.
“I never would have asked you to stay. I never would have made you give up your dreams.”
“I know,” I reassure her with a nod. “And I know it was selfish of me to think like that. To push you away, but it’s the only thing I could do to survive over there. If I heard your voice, if I saw your face and saw how happy you were, I would have dropped everything and come home so I didn’t have to miss one second of it.”
If I saw how happy Aiden made you, when it should have been me, I wouldn’t be standing here right now. I would have been distracted and I would have fucked up, getting myself killed in one of the many dangerous countries I lived in.
It was bad enough getting updates every couple of months from Aiden. It was hard enough hearing how happy he was in every e-mail and every phone call.
“I’m in love, can you believe it?!”
“I’m still in love, in case you were wondering. And it’s amazing. Why didn’t someone tell me how amazing it is to stick it out with one woman?”
“I bought a ring.”
“I’m gonna do it, man. I’m gonna propose. Tell me how deliriously happy you are for me. Women all over Charleston will be crying themselves to sleep tonight knowing I’m off the market.”
Without communicating with Cameron, I could almost pretend like none of it was really happening. That Aiden was making someone else happy, instead of her.
“Everett…”
She breathes my name instead of speaking it, and a tear falls down her cheek.
Turning to face her, I bring my hand up and press it against her face, swiping the wetness away with my thumb.
“Tell me it was worth it, Cam. Tell me I did the right thing. Were you happy?”