Six motherfuckin’ weeks.

Forty-two goddamn days.

One thousand eight freakin’ hours.

Sixty thousand, four hundred and eighty excruciating minutes.

That’s how long we waited until the doctor’s office called to say that they’d received the results. Even though Max begged to be told the results, they wouldn’t divulge the information over the phone. They stated that it was standard office procedure for her to come to the office to “discuss” the results with the doctor.

We’d already been stressed to the maximum level possible. Every day, I’d felt like I could touch the tension and cut it with a knife. The time that felt the longest was when we sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. I wanted to burst through the doors and demand to see the results.

To have come this far and know that the information was close enough to touch drove me crazier than I’d ever felt before. I couldn’t stop shaking my legs and fidgeting in my seat. I didn’t even have the patience to look at my phone. The only thing I could think about was the goddamn test.

I was the one who had made her do it. I’d been selfish in demanding her to get it done. The last six weeks had been absolute torture. We hadn’t talked about it much, but it was always there.

I held her hand, which was stuck to mine from the nervous sweat that had formed. I could feel her trembling next to me as our arms and shoulders touched.

“It’ll be okay, Max,” I tried to reassure her with a small smile.

“Yep,” she responded in a clipped tone as she stared straight ahead and didn’t return my glance.

To the casual observer in the room, it would have seemed that we were here for me. I was the one more visibly nervous, but I knew she was a mess inside.

“We’ve been waiting here an hour. What’s taking so damn long?” I complained as I looked at my watch.

“Look at all the people, Anthony. It’s a busy office. It always takes this long here.”

“Bullshit,” I mumbled as I gnashed my teeth together.

“What’s a couple more minutes when I’ve waited this long?”

“You can’t mean that, Max. I know you’re nervous.”

“I am, Anthony. I know I have it. I can feel it. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I won’t believe it until she says the words.”

“Prepare yourself, then, Anthony. Are you ready for it?”

“We’ll get a second opinion.”

“No!” she yelled, causing people in the waiting room to look at us.

“Max,” I said, leaning closer to her. “I’ll go to the ends of the earth to give you a different fate.”

“Can you give me a different body?” she asked as she looked at me.

“I’m in love with the one you have now, Max.”

“Then it’s what you need to accept.”

“Ms. Washington,” a nurse called out from across the room, standing near the doorway.

“Here,” Max said as she stood.

I took a deep breath, holding it in as I climbed to my feet. I felt like I was doing the long march to the electric chair. I dreaded what I might hear in a few short minutes. Some invisible fist was inside my stomach and punching it. I could barely breathe as I moved on shaky legs.

I repeated to myself, “She will be okay,” over and over again. Max squeezed my hand, never breaking contact as we were shown to the doctor’s office.

“Please take a seat. The doctor will be in in a moment,” the nurse said before she gave Max a small smile and left us alone.

“I can’t sit,” I said as she started to move toward the seat.

“We can’t just stand here,” Max replied as she closed her eyes and exhaled.

“Let me hold you, Max. I need to hold you.” I pulled her hand, bringing her to my chest.

I tried to memorize possibly the last normal moment we’d have. The moment where I felt we were just Max and Anthony. It would all change. We could be Max, Anthony, and ataxia. Not a relationship I wanted to enter into, but I might not have a choice.

“I’m scared,” Max confessed into my shirt.

“I know, baby. Me too,” I admitted. “Either way, I’m with you through it all, Max.”

“Anthony,” she whispered as she moved to look at me. As she toyed with my shirt, she said, “I don’t blame you if you leave me. It’s okay if you leave me. I’ll totally understand.”

“Are you giving me permission to leave you?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but inside, I was seething.

“Yes. No one wants to be with a sick person. Why should you be tied to me forever? I’m giving you an out,” she said with tears in her eyes. “I love you, but I’ll understand.” As she gave me a weak smile, a single tear ran down her cheek.

“Max. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what the doctor says, I’m here to stay.”

“Anthony—”

“Max.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and stared at her. “You don’t understand the depth of my feelings for you. There will never be another woman I’ll ever love.”

“Oh, that’s horseshit.”

I shook my head. “It’s not. I’ve never found another person who makes me feel alive like you do. Touching you, kissing your lips is like that shock you get from touching something when the air’s too dry.”

“Never say never, Anthony.”

“I would never let you go through this without me,” I stated, holding her stare.

“Let’s talk about this after the results.” She wiped the tears that had fallen down her face on my shirt.

Without even thinking, I dropped to one knee. It hadn’t been planned. Fuck, I would’ve been more nervous than I already was if I had come up with the idea ahead of time. I knew what I wanted, and she was in front of me. There was no way I’d let her get away. I wouldn’t let her excuse me or give me an out.

Her eyes widened as she noticed that I was balanced on one knee. Grabbing her hand, I stroked the top with my thumb. The only shitty part of not having planned this was that I didn’t have a ring.

“Max,” I said before clearing my throat. My voice was shaky, but I was more nervous about the results than asking her to marry me. “I love you more than anyone in the world. No matter the results, I want to go on the journey with you. It’s taken me my entire life to meet someone who makes me a better person, and I want you to be mine forever. Will you marry me?”

She covered her mouth, the tears falling faster than they had before. “No,” she whispered.

“No?” I asked, the punch in my stomach feeling more like the slice of a knife as it cut up into my chest.

“Yes,” she said. “Anthony. I just didn’t dream of this being where I’d be proposed to someday.”

“Thank Christ,” I mumbled. “I don’t care where we are, as long as you say yes.”

“Anthony, I think I should wait to give you an answer until after we talk to the doctor. Let the information seep in before you ask me again. You may not feel the same once the enormity of the situation settles in your gut.”

“It’s settled. I’ve never told anyone before that I loved them. No one. Only you. It’ll only ever be you.”

“Hello,” the doctor said as she walked in and then noticed that I was down on one knee. “Oh, I’m so sorry I interrupted.”

“You didn’t.” She pulled her hand from my grip.

As the doctor rounded the desk to sit, Max sat down. I pushed myself off the ground, feeling a bit wounded and even more nervous. I held on to the chair as I sat, making sure I didn’t miss the seat.

Fuck. Everything about the day could fuck off.

“Sorry you had to wait so long,” the doctor said as she opened a folder on her desk and began to study the contents.

I sucked in a breath, unable to release it. There wasn’t a time in my life that I could recall where I’d felt more scared. Not when Angel had been kidnapped or when Thomas had been undercover. I felt completely helpless in this situation. When it came to brute force or kicking ass, I knew how to do it.

This was up to fate and genetics.

“It’s okay,” Max said with a fake smile as she looked at me.

I held her hand, gripping it tight. No matter what the doctor said, I wouldn’t let her down. I needed to be her brace. I needed to be the man she could lean on. I needed to be her rock—the one thing to keep her steady and sane through this time in her life. Fuck, through this time in our lives.

“Well, let’s get to it,” the doctor said, flipping a page and skimming over it.

I swallowed hard, sucking in another breath and holding it in my lungs.

“Based on the results of your test,” She flipped the page, moving over the words with her finger, “it states negative for ataxia, but as you know, there are some forms that can’t be found through testing.”

“So Max won’t get it,” I blurted out, giving her hand a squeeze.

“I can’t say for certain, sir. Her brother tested negative, but her father was never tested before he died. We’re unsure of what type of ataxia he had, therefore it makes the test results sketchy.”

“Sketchy? That’s not very helpful.”

“Anthony,” Max said, as she stroked my arm. “Doctor, so there’s no real way to know if I’ll get it or not.”

The doctor shook her head as her brow furrowed. “I’m afraid not. It’s a waiting game from here on out.”

I thought I’d be happy to hear that she was negative, but all it did was make everything so uncertain.

I blew out the breath I’d been holding and gulped. I felt like my throat had closed, and even the simple act of breathing was difficult. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst, but knowing that it could still happen made my chest ache.

“How long?” I blurted out without thinking.

“Until the onset of symptoms if she’ll develop it?” the doctor asked.

I blinked a couple of times, trying to focus. “Yes,” I replied, and held Max’s hand tighter.

“It’s hard to say. Symptoms can begin at any time.” She gave a half-smile that wasn’t reassuring at all. “Max, how old was your father when he started to experience onset of symptoms?”

“His late fifties, and he died about ten years later.”

“I’d say she’ll probably follow the same timeline if you do develop the condition. You’re only in your mid-thirties. You have probably twenty years before you’d start to notice major changes in your coordination. But remember, there’s a chance you will never develop ataxia.”

Twenty years. Only twenty fucking years. It seems like a long time when you’re looking forward to something happy, but when it’s bad news, twenty years isn’t long enough. It feels like a heartbeat and passes in the blink of an eye.

“Twenty years,” Max whispered, and closed her eyes.

“We’re doing clinical trials at various clinics across the country. Hopefully in the next ten to twenty years, we’ll have a cure or at least a treatment.” The doctor folded her hands on top of the desk and leaned back.

“So, what do we do now, doc?” I asked.

“Just live life like normal, but there are things someone can do to possibly delay the onset of symptoms.” She rubbed the arm of her chair with her hand as she looked across the desk.

“Such as?” My patience was hanging by a thread.

“It seems that alcohol and tobacco can have an effect on the rapidity of symptoms. It’s important to limit the consumption of both.”

“Shiiit,” Max drawled.

I looked at her with a steely stare. If it meant I’d have her healthier longer, then I didn’t care to ever have another sip.

“Max,” I said.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t have a drink. Just not every day and in large quantities.”

“Fine,” she snapped.

“What else?” I asked, ready to move on from the conversation about trivial shit like beer.

“It’s important to keep the muscles strong. Regular workouts and weights will help when symptoms begin. Often, patients lose muscle tone as the symptoms progress. So having a good amount of muscle beforehand will help keep her stronger for a longer period of time.”

I could do that. I worked out all the time and I could always get Mike to work with her. He’d love to help out in some way, and the man knew how to build muscle.

“So, I can’t drink and I have to work out?”

“In the scheme of things, it’s no big deal. We can work out together. We got this.”

“I’m not a girl who spends time in a gym. I like my softness. I don’t want to look like one of those hardcore bodybuilders. I embrace my curves.”

“I embrace them too.” I couldn’t stop my smile. She’d left that open for me to comment. “We won’t make you hard.”

“Here’s some literature about ataxia for you to read.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Max said before she let out a loud sigh.

“Make an appointment on the way out. We’ll monitor you with yearly physicals to watch for coordination loss and other signs. That way, it doesn’t sneak up on you if you start to develop any symptoms.”

“I will.” Max stood from her chair and gave me a weak smile. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” I squeezed her hand as I climbed to my feet. I hadn’t let go the entire time in the doctor’s office, and I didn’t want to let go now. “Thank you,” I said to the doctor as I followed Max out the door.

I wanted time with her. Twenty years, ten years—it didn’t matter as long as we had some time together. She hadn’t accepted my proposal—she’d brushed it off until later.

I still wanted to marry her.

I wouldn’t leave her, and I wouldn’t make it easy for her to leave me. She wasn’t a selfish person. An individual who is truly selfish would’ve hid the condition and walked through life as if everything were fine. Max had done her best to push me away, but I didn’t let her.

We walked to the car in silence, stealing small glances at each other as we wandered through the parking lot.

Was it better to know? I didn’t know anymore. If I were ill, would I want a stopwatch placed on my life? I’d heard my entire life that knowledge was power, but I’d now say that it was crippling. I felt like the button had been pressed and each second that ticked by was one second less that I’d have a healthy Max.

When we approached the car, I smashed her into the door. “Are you okay, Max?”

She stared up at me with a half-smile. “Yeah.”

I touched her cheek, resting my palm on her skin. “Max, it’s okay if you’re not okay.”

She melted into my touch, closing her eyes. “I know I’ll get it, Anthony. No matter what the test states. I dealt with it a long time ago.”

“Hey,” I said, needing to look into her eyes.

She opened them but looked at my shoulder.

“Look at me, Max,” I commanded, not about to play a game as her eyes met mine. “You can play the hardass, Max, the one who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, but I know the truth. We got great news today, baby. Stop being a pessimist.” I placed my lips on her forehead, brushing my nose through her hair.

“I’ve just believed it for so long, it’s hard to think anything different.”

“It doesn’t matter what she said, Max. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

She grabbed my sides, digging her nails into my skin. “Take a day and think about it.”

“I don’t need a day.” I backed away and stared down at her. “We’ve spent enough time dicking around.”

“Can you take me home, Anthony? I’m tired and want to lie down.” She peered down at the ground and squeezed me.

“Sure, but I’m staying with you. I need to hold you.” I wanted to curl into a ball and bring her into my cocoon.

Before she could respond, I crushed my lips to hers. I inhaled her scent, the cherry lip gloss she’d used over her lipstick to give it the shine. I didn’t care about that, but I enjoyed the smell and taste. The fullness of her lips on mine sent the expected sparks of electricity through my body.

By the time I broke the kiss, her breathing was ragged. I needed to bury myself inside her and get lost in the feel of our bodies together. It would help block everything else out and make it about us in that moment. There would be no illness, no future, just our bodies connected and working as one.

As I opened the door, I said, “I love you, Max, and I’m here to stay.”

She just smiled, sliding into the seat before staring out the front window. I needed to remind her of the happy things in life.

No longer did I live life for me. Now, it was about us.

The man wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’d given him a final chance of bowing out of the entire clusterfuck that was my future. He refused, pressing forward and dropping to one knee. When he did, my knees became weak.

Never in my life did I think he’d propose. Especially since we hadn’t known each other for that long. I couldn’t even form a coherent thought when I realized what he was saying to me.

I know the doctor said I was negative, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that someday I’d face the same fate as my father. Maybe in time I’d feel at ease and be able to believe that I’d have my happy ending.

Anthony made me want to believe it was true. The impossible now felt probable, and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.

No one knows their future, but it doesn’t cripple them and stop them from finding their happiness. Why should I let it stop me? I needed to live my life one day at a time, loving Anthony, and being truly happy. I’d lived long enough with the cloud over my head.