A fist banging on the door shatters the quiet of the house and scares the hell out of me. At first, I freeze, but the sound is so threatening that it has me quickly back-stepping into my kitchen and out of the line of sight from the front windows.
“Open up, Sidney.”
Grayson?
My heart leaps into my throat and then lands with a confused thud over being excited to see him and at the same time knowing something is wrong.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as I open the door. The minute I catch sight of his expression—a mask of fury—I wish I had pretended I wasn’t home.
Without a word, he barrels past me. “Shut the door.”
“Grayson? What is—?”
“You!” he shouts as he turns around and jabs a finger in my direction. “You are what’s wrong.”
“I—uh . . . what?”
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Letting you into my house so you can yell at me when I obviously shouldn’t have. Can we back up here, so you can tell me what’s going on?”
The muscle in his jaw ticks as he stares at me. “You went to the mother-son picnic with Luke. Are you out of your mind?”
I stare at him—his fury unmasked—and know without a doubt I made a huge mistake. It takes a few seconds for my thoughts to line up so I sound coherent. “It isn’t what you think.”
“What I think?” His laugh is cold and unwelcome. “What exactly is it that you think I’m thinking?”
A million things flash through my mind and unfortunately, all of them spill out in a tangled mess. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even know it was a mother-son picnic. I wasn’t trying to manipulate the situation to fuel more rumors. I wasn’t trying to get in good with Luke. I wasn’t trying to . . .” My words fade off as he just stands there and stares at me with hard eyes and mouth a straight line. “They stopped by the office and asked me to come. He was so sweet asking me on a date. I told him I’d go with him as a friend. That’s it. I met your mom,” I ramble as I twist my fingers together. “She was sweet, too. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“Of course, you didn’t think it was a big deal.” His voice escalates in pitch with each word. “After everything I’ve said to you. How could you go with him without asking me first—”
“Your mom said it wasn’t a big deal. That you were at work and—”
“And my mom isn’t raising my son. I am.”
“Grayson—”
“Just stop. Your excuses. Your reasons. You’re proving me right.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Proving you right?”
“Nothing. Just . . .” He holds his hands up in front of him as if saying this is too much and not worth it as he takes a step toward the door.
“You know what? Screw you, Grayson. You don’t have a right to come here and chew me out. Your mom and Luke showed up, they asked me to go get some fresh air. If you think your concerns about Luke and his attachment to women didn’t cross my mind, then you’re an ass and don’t know me very well. They asked. I went. Big freaking deal. Now get out.” I point to the door, my emotions a tumultuous eddy inside me.
I’ve thought about him for days. Relived every water-soaked moment and what happened with him after. Looked forward to my date tomorrow night with him. So, to have him come here and treat me as if I did something horrible when it was completely innocent is a crock of shit.
“Sidney.” His fists clench and unclench. His eyes fire with anger and uncertainty about what to do next.
“It seems that, no matter what I do, I’m wrong. Luke’s a great kid, Grayson. Incredible, even, and that means a lot when it comes from a woman like me who has a hard time relating to kids.” I look at my hands for a moment before looking back up to his eyes. “There were no ulterior motives today. He was so adorable with his flowers that I couldn’t say no. Your mom was teaching him what a gentleman does, and I realize now that it wasn’t my place to help her . . . but I did, and I’m sorry you’re upset because of it. Like I said before, I was conscious of what he was asking, of how he’d perceive things. I figured since your mother stopped by . . . I don’t know.”
He scrubs a hand over his face and mutters, “My goddamn mother. Her and her search for a wife.”
“Search for a what?” I ask, not sure if I heard him right.
“Nothing.” He walks to the window that overlooks the backyard and the mesmerizing rows of vines on the hills beyond. When he speaks again, his voice is more serious, resigned. “You know Luke has a major crush on you, right? You know he had been worried about this picnic for the past few months because he thought he was going to be left out. I offered to take him. I offered to dress up as any superhero he wanted so I could prove to him that I could hang with the moms here, too. That he wasn’t so different. When, in reality, I would have stood out like a sore thumb. I would have been the talk of the damn town, but it doesn’t matter because he’s my son. He’s my job to take care of and protect.”
“Grayson . . .”
“He asked my mom to take him, so I went to work, thinking my mom was going alone. When they came home, he wouldn’t stop talking about how much fun he had, about how you were there, too, stepping in to be his mom.”
Well, that explains his anger.
“I didn’t step in to be his mom.” He’s blowing this out of proportion, but I don’t dare say that to him. I’m not a parent, so I have zero legs to stand on when it comes to any opinion I may have.
“Christ.” He paces the short distance of the room and runs a hand through his hair and exhales. “How am I going to tell him otherwise?”
“What do you mean? He’s old enough to know that he can’t expect every woman he sees you with or who is nice to him to be his mom.”
Grayson laughs, but it holds no humor. “Easy to say when it’s coming from a twenty-eight-year-old woman. He’s an eight-year-old kid with the pressure to be like everyone else when he knows he isn’t. All he wants to do is fit in. All he wants is for kids not to ask him why he doesn’t have a mom, or why his mom doesn’t love him, when I pretend day in and day out that she does for his sake. So, don’t tell me he should look at it like you do, because it’s nowhere near the same.”
“I know it isn’t. And I know you try your best—he’s an incredible kid, and it shows. But Grayson, at some point, you have to take a harder line or he’s only going to end up being hurt more by it.”
When he turns to face me, he looks like a man lost in No Man’s Land. Torn between protecting his son from life’s harsh realities and admitting that he needs to gently break them to him. His sigh fills the small room, and when he meets my eyes I know his temper has faded enough for him to really hear me. “You’re right.” He shrugs in resignation. “I know it, and it fucking kills me to admit it because that means I’ve failed him as a parent.”
“Gray—”
“No. I’m doing the best I can, and it isn’t enough. It’s such a hard thing as a parent to recognize that fine line where protecting your child turns into hurting your child.” I step forward and put a hand on his arm and squeeze, his sudden vulnerability coming on the heels of his fiery temper is almost unnerving. “He’s had a rough couple of weeks. Nightmares. The fight . . . I don’t know what’s bringing all this on, but I know it’s on me.”
“My mom used to tell me there are no instructions to having a kid, and being a parent is one huge learning mistake after another.”
He gives a measured nod but keeps his eyes focused out the window to the front yard. I hate that he won’t look at me. “You shouldn’t have gone today without talking to me first.”
I open my mouth to speak and then close it, my inability to read his body language giving me pause. So I say the only thing I can. “I’m sorry.”
He nods but doesn’t look my way. “I’ve gotta get back to Luke. To home.” And without waiting to see if I respond at all, he opens the door and exits completely different than he was when he entered.
Resigned and silent.
I stand at the window and watch him—those broad shoulders of his as he walks toward his truck, the way he slides behind the wheel, rests his elbow on the sill of the open window, and runs a finger over his lip.
He sits there for some time, seemingly lost in thought. The sight is heartbreaking. A man so strong otherwise, conflicted over teaching his son truths he knows will hurt him.
When he pulls away from the curb a few minutes later, I pick up my cell and call my father just to say hi.
Watching Grayson struggle with this has made me understand my father a little bit more now, and how hard making his decision to send me here must have been on him.