Bekah
What a nightmare, what a fucking nightmare. I was sitting outside the emergency room door waiting to see if yet again I caused my father to have a heart attack. Mom told me you couldn’t cause such things but Dad was adamant that it was because of what I had done when it had happened the first time.
I was seventeen and pregnant. Yep, I was, and no I didn’t keep the child that was growing inside of me. I couldn’t. My high school boyfriend and I had broken up because he was a cheater and I did just what I did with Dex, I fucked around to get back at him. I suppose it was to fill a void, lose myself in the moment. I don’t know. I have one hundred and one excuses, none make me feel better. None were clear until the “Diet”. I gave myself time to reflect and I had gone and thrown that all out the window with Zandor.
I remember being at Nicole’s and pissing on that stick and crying. What would everyone think, what would it do to my family…to me? The worst part was that I didn’t tell anyone except my best friends, Nicole and Kathy. Nicole took me to the clinic in Florida, Dad was stationed there at the time. I was scared, so was Nicole. But she was there for me.
Kathy ended up telling her parents. Her father was my father’s commanding officer. Her excuse was she was scared for me. I wasn’t angry at her–then. The blind leading the blind as my father said when he found out. Right before he told me that I was a little whore and slapped me across the face. My mother stepped between us and screamed at him and he told her she disgusted him.
I remember sobbing that night as I lay bleeding in my bed. My father was screaming at my mother that I had just fucked up his life. That I would probably be the reason he didn’t get promoted. She wasn’t one to cross him, but she did that night. She told him that I was in trouble and didn’t feel I could come to them. I remember her crying and wanting to hug her and say I do trust you, I’m sorry, Momma. But he told her it was her that I didn’t trust, she was the mother and her duties were taking care of her children, the house, and when he wanted her she was to be available. He told her that she had already fucked up with Chris, and now me. He also told her that she was slacking on the housework and he was disgusted by her so she wouldn’t be needed in that way either.
Chris had graduated from high school and was away at college. He never came home, and I couldn’t blame him. He and Mom talked every day and he and I talked at least once a week.
We transferred here right after that all happened. My father insisted that I attend every event with him saying he needed to keep an eye on me. I even attended dinners that Mom normally would but he didn’t ask her anymore. That’s how I met Dex.
It was right in the middle of my senior year when Mom told me she was leaving and wanted me to come, too. I heard their fight that night and he forbade her from taking me with her. I also heard him call her a slut and a whore and then she left.
I told mom I wanted to stay until I finished school. She understood and we talked every day.
Dad had a heart attack two weeks later. I watched as he collapsed on the floor clutching his chest. He lived obviously, but made it very known that his health issues were brought on by my brother, my mother’s, and my actions.
I turned eighteen and Dex asked his permission to date me. Dad gave his blessing and warning, asking that he keep a firm handle on me. That he did. He reminded me of my father. It was his way or no way at all.
When I made the decision to go away for college, he was pissed. So was Dad. But I was an adult now. This was my life. Dad was better about it knowing I had Dex. He said it was of some comfort knowing that I wouldn’t be away acting like a whore.
The nurse showed us to the room they would be bringing Dad to. I sat in a chair and looked around the room. Dad was having a dye test, and Dex was staring at me from across the room. I looked away from him. I hated him, hated that I trusted him with everything and didn’t see that he was a mirror image of my father. Just another man in my life who took control.
He knelt in front of me. “We need to figure this out.”
He reached out and rubbed my cheek. A year ago that’s what he did that gave me comfort when I wanted to run away from this place. I looked up into his eyes and took his hand and slowly pulled it way from my face.
“I’m here to make sure if he is dying, he’s not alone.” I sat back and crossed my arms giving him the best blank stare I could.
“When I fell and broke my arm, I thought of you.”
I looked away. “This isn’t about…”
“I thought about what it would be like having a child with you, and being a family.”
My stomach immediately got that feeling. The one where everything feels empty and then the burn builds and moves up your throat filling your chest with fire and then everything comes seeping out in liquid form from your eyes. Yes crying, but it’s so much more than that. It’s emotional pain overflowing inside of you. It’s frustration and embarrassment. It’s feeling like you can never do anything to please anyone, and it’s wondering when you would stop fucking up and hurting everyone around you. It was that feeling like when you look in the mirror and you want to smash it just so you’d stop seeing the reflection of the person you’ve become.
I hated that person. I hated the person who aborted a baby because I wanted to hurt someone so much that I fucked everyone I could and had no idea whose child I was carrying. I couldn’t keep a child, no matter how much I wanted to because it would crush everyone. I believed it would, and I was right. But what did I do? I went and got pregnant again. Yes, I was on the pill and no, I didn’t know that antibiotics would make it less effective. But I did know whose baby that was. I used a condom with everyone else except him, he didn’t like them. How fucking stupid was I to trust that he didn’t have some disease and how lucky was I that I didn’t get one. I wasn’t going to abort that baby--I wasn’t. But look what happened when I decided to keep it, even God knew I wasn’t worthy enough to be trusted with a child. I still hate that person so very much.
I was wrapped in Dex’s arms and he was rubbing my back as I cried into his neck. As angry as I was at him, he was comforting me. He smelled like he always did, clean, like dryer sheets, and his strong arms where holding me together, just like they had at the beginning of our relationship.
“I love you, Rebekah. I fucked up but I love you so much still.”
I pulled away and sat back and wiped my eyes and looked away from him at the door.
“Let me fix this, okay?”
I shook my head no and stood as the nurses wheeled Dad in. He was asleep.
One looked at me and motioned to the hall, Dex followed me out.
“We’re going to have to put a couple stents in his heart tomorrow, two arteries are ninety percent clogged. Your father is aware. He asked for something to make him sleep. You’ve been here for ten hours. Go home, his catheterization isn’t until nine tomorrow morning, come back at seven. He was kind of miserable, so I’m sure he wants to sleep through the night.”
“Thank you.” I walked back in the room and looked at him.
He looked so much older than he had even six months ago. Weaker, more hollow? I couldn’t explain it.
“Let me take you home Rebekah, get some sleep. I can give you a ride back tomorrow.”
God, Dex even looked weaker, sad.
“I’m gonna stay. You go ahead. I’m sure you have things to do.”
“I’m on medical leave, Rebekah.” He held his arm up and gave a weak smile.
“No, I’m gonna stay. You go ahead.”
“I’ll stay with you.”
“Dex.” I shook my head from side to side. “Why?”
“I love you. I wanna make it all up to you, starting now. I won’t stop until you have forgiven me.”
“We can’t go back there.”
“Then move forward with me. You and I, just like we always planned. You loved me once. I know where I fucked up, I won’t do it again—I promise.”
“Please don’t, just please.”
“Fine, but I’m not leaving you. Not now.”
I sat and watched my father sleep for another hour. Dex was up and walking around. I watched him adjust his sling and he looked incredibly uncomfortable.
“Go home, Dex.”
“No, I’m good. I told you I’m not leaving you.”
“Please you… nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed.” His jaw clenched as he held back.
“No, I haven’t Dex…”
“You didn’t need to. I fucked up. You and I…”
“Had different ideas of what we wanted. I’m not giving up on my dream. I will finish school someday, and this is your dream Dex.”
“I’m not sure what to do, Rebekah. I know I want you just as bad now…”
“Please just go home and rest, you look very uncomfortable.”
“Just sore, I haven’t taken any pain meds in awhile.”
“Then go, get some sleep.”
After a quick hug he left. I sat down and immediately thought of Zandor. I grabbed my phone and realized it was dead.
“He’s going to be sleeping for quite awhile.” The nurse handed me a bottle of water. “You’ll be of more use to him if you’re rested.”
I felt panic flood over me. “What is his recovery time?”
“Not long, a week? No lifting for a few days, it’s pretty routine.”
“Okay.”
What had I just agreed to? I was going to take care of my father…again.
“I’m going to take off. I’ll be back at seven.” I wrote down my phone number. “My phone is dead but I’ll get it charged.”
~
It wasn’t planned, but I ended up in a cab on my way to the hotel. I hated that he was going to be driving home alone. Home, his home. Jersey wasn’t my home. It was a place that I ran to trying to get away from here. To leave behind a mess that I had made.
I stood in the ascending elevator, looking like hell, with a dead phone in my hand. Wanting to see him so badly. I wanted to touch him and for him to touch me. I wanted that physical connection to get lost in. How incredibly selfish of me. But that’s who I am, the girl who selfishly seeks comfort in touch.
When the door opened I stepped out and looked down the hall. The room door was open and Zandor stood in the doorway with a white towel draped around his lower half. His body shimmered and I stood motionless for a moment taking in his beautiful body and the art displayed on it.
The door shut behind me and I took a few steps toward him as two women walked out smiling. He shook their hand and thanked them. I felt my hands shake and that too familiar feeling of shame and hurt built inside of me.
As I turned, my bag fell to the ground, and I squatted to grab its content. The women walked past me and stood waiting for the elevator. I looked back briefly and Zandor was looking at me as if he was trying to figure something out.
“Bekah?”
“Screw you!” I stood up and hustled to the elevator standing right next to the bitches who just walked out of his room.
“Wait up.” he called from behind me.
I turned and flipped him off. The elevator door opened and I stepped in. “Hold the elevator!”
I looked at the women and gave them a nasty look. “Don’t.”
The door was nearly closed when his large, perfect fucking foot stopped it. “What are you doing, Bekah?”
“Going home.” I looked away.
“Get out here.” He reached in to grab me and I stepped back, avoiding him. He laughed, “Suit yourself.”
He stepped in wrapped in a towel with a smug look on his face and walked toward me.
The bastard looked amused as I tensed when he got closer and then he leaned against the wall in a casual unaffected way. The women giggled and I was ready to pounce but I wouldn’t give them or him the satisfaction.
The elevator stopped and the door opened, a woman and two children started to board and stopped. “Mommy, there’s a naked man!” The little blonde girl pointed at Zandor.
She gasped and pulled her kids back and the door shut. The two girls giggled and looked at Zandor.
“Were they talking about me?” He pointed to himself and chuckled. “Oh Bekah, you are going to get me in trouble.”
“I think you do that all on your own.” I sneered and looked at him and then the girls.
“How is your father?”
Unbelievable, “Go fuck yourself!” slid right off my tongue.
“I was under the impression that is a Lady friend’s hmm, not job, but pleasure? That I could be done with all that masturbating nonsense, Bekah.” The girls laughed and he smiled and grabbed me from behind pulling my back against him forcefully as the elevator stopped again.
I tried to pull free and he held me tighter. “I’m using you as a shield, Bekah, please behave and don’t move.”
“Behave?”
“Yes please.” He kissed my cheek.
The elevator stopped on the bottom floor and one of the girls smiled at me and then him, “You sure you don’t want me to stay and do the job I was paid for, she looks awfully tense?”
Before I could say a word his hand covered my mouth. “No thank you, but next time we visit the area we will get in touch. I have your card, thank you, ladies.”
The other girl looked at me. “Your boyfriend was a perfect gentleman.”
I tried to pull away and he held me tighter as the elevator started to fill up.
He started rubbing my arm slowly up and down and whispered in my ear. “I scheduled a couple’s massage for us. A surprise for you. I was sure you would be a ball of stress when you came back to me. Then I called you over and over and over again. I didn’t think about cancelling because I was driving myself crazy worrying about you as I sat in the hotel room that you and I christened last night, and this morning. I didn’t do anything wrong, Kitten.”
“I hope you fully enjoyed yourself.”
The elevator was empty when it stopped on the top floor and he shuffled us forward and down the hall. I was too tired to argue.
We walked in the room and there was a huge bouquet of flowers and candles everywhere. He let go of me and walked into the bathroom. I looked around and noticed the candles had not been lit. I took a deep breath.
He came out still draped in the towel and called room service and ordered dinner, prime rib he said with a smile in his voice and then he hung up the phone.
He let out a long slow breath as he took my purse off my shoulder and placed it on the bed. He walked behind me and took off my coat. My phone fell out of the pocket and he picked it up. He walked over to the nightstand and unplugged his phone and plugged mine in.
His phone was in one hand and he took my hand and walked to the bathroom. He was running a bath and had candles lit. He closed his eyes and rolled his neck, stretching, calming himself.
“I was pretty amped up when I left you this morning. But right now I feel pretty damn relaxed. I could call the masseuse back but I don’t think you’re in the proper mind set for that. So I’m going to take care of you and you’re going to let me. Is your father alright?”
I nodded my head, “Zandor I…”
He pressed one finger softly over my lips. “I. Am. Going. To take care of you.”
He leaned in and rubbed his nose softly against mine and set a forgiving kiss on my lips.
He walked behind me, grabbed his phone and gentle soft music oozed out of the speakers, filling the suite. He turned me facing the mirror and his arms wrapped and crossed in front of me. He kissed my neck, as he rubbed his fingers under my shirt.
He slowly lifted my shirt. “Lift your arms, Kitten.”
His voice was pillow soft, intoxicating. It commanded every part of me and if I wasn’t a selfish girl I would have stopped this. Each doubt erased by his lips, his voice, his touch. Before I knew it, I was standing in my bra and thong shamelessly in front of a wall of mirrors softly lit by candlelight. The heat from the flames was nothing compared to the heat I saw coming from the reflection of his eyes as they slowly raked over my body’s reflection.
As self-conscious as I was about being naked in front of a man, the feeling I received from him took the insecurities I felt and set them on fire until the ashes of self-loathing fell to the floor beneath me.
“You are without a doubt the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on, Rebekah George.” He rubbed his thumb under my bra strap and kissed my neck as he pulled it down.
He stepped back and unhooked my bra and watched in the mirror as he seductively pulled the other strap down. My bra dropped to the floor and he gave a low admiring groan as he cupped one slowly in his hand rubbing his thumb across my hardening nipple.
“Perfect.”
I watched as his eyes began to darken, the cinnamon color that I now knew meant one thing. His jaw muscles clenched and he hissed as he pinched my aching nipple between his thumb and forefinger and he sucked air in slowly between his teeth.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as his head fell backwards as he stretched his neck slowly rolling it from shoulder to shoulder. He was trying to calm himself and as much as I appreciated his slow seduction I wanted him, needed him as badly as he needed me.
I reached my hand up behind me and rubbed his cheek and he rubbed his sexy stubble against my hand and then kissed my palm and took my hand in his and used it to pull my thong down my hip. He walked in front of me and knelt as he pulled them down slowly looking into my eyes the entire time.
“Lift.” His voice was raspy and thick and made me wet immediately.
If I put my foot down in front of me I would step on him so I stepped to the side spreading my legs a little.
He took in a very deep breath, inhaling me, and made my heart start pumping faster. He bit his lower lip hard and then cleared his throat. His finger ran down my inner thigh to my ankle.
“Lift,” he growled.
I whimpered as my sex clenched in response to his command. “Zandor?”
“Not yet, Kitten.” He stood quickly with my thong in hand.
I closed my eyes and waited. I needed him to tell me what to do next. I looked up in the mirror and looked at my naked body. Without him standing behind me I felt all those feelings of shame, self-hate, and loathing start to creep in again.
I heard the water turn off. “Come.”
One word and I turned to see him drop his towel. I watched as he started to pull down his boxer briefs. I was so relieved that he had those on. I looked up at his eyes when he stopped and he rolled them, cocking his eyebrow. He knew what I was thinking, damn it!
He held his hand out and nodded to the bathtub and helped me in. I sank down into the hot water and bubbles surrounded me. I looked over as he finished pulling his boxers down. His thick, long cock launched out and my legs clenched together, protectively.
Drunk it was big, really really big. But once the beer goggles are on, anything is possible. Hidden under covers, still hung over I knew I could handle him. But now sober, looking at him I no longer wondered why I was so damn sore today.
“What are you thinking, Kitten?” he chuckled as he stepped into the water.
“Wow?”
“That’s it?” he sat down across from me smirking that arrogant Yeah I know I’m the shit grin he wore from time to time—rightfully so.
“Impressive?”
“Try again, what do you really think when you see my cock?”
“I think, how the hell did that fit in me?” I smiled for the first time in several hours.
“You were primed well.” He winked.
“You have a big dick.”
“Dick? That’s not a dick. We’ve had this discussion already. What is it that I have for you?”
I splashed him.
“You embarrassed to say it?”
“No!” My voice squeaked and he chuckled. “Fine --COCK!”
“Mmm, say it again.” He bit his laugh back, smiling beautifully.
“Cock.”
He sucked air in through his teeth and then.“Yeah it is.”
I covered my face and laughed.
When I looked up, his smile had softened and the way he was looking at me sweetly made me a bit uncomfortable and so did the silence.
“Zandor, I’m…”
“How’s your father?”
“Alright, sleeping.”
“At home?”
“No, he has two clogged arteries. They have to operate tomorrow morning.” I took a deep breath. “And I need to stay for a few days extra, a week if it’s okay?”
“We can stay as long as you need, Bekah.”
“No, I mean thank you, but you should go home.”
“I will stay.” He had no expression on his face.
“And I’ll feel torn.”
“Torn by what? I’ll support you in any way you need.”
“This happened because of me, Zandor, because of all the ugly things….”
“Hold up just a minute. Just stop and think about what you just said. Now tell me how the fuck it’s your fault that his arteries hardened. Jesus Christ, Bekah, what the fuck did he do to you? I have sat here all fucking day long worrying about you because that mother fucker…”
He stopped when he saw tears spilling out. “No, fuck!”
He reached forward and dragged me to him by my ankles.
He pulled my up onto his lap and hugged me.
“I’m sorry, Christ, Bekah. I’m a shitty boyfriend, huh?”
“No, it’s not you it’s me…”
He kissed my head. “Shitty line, Kitten.”
“Yours are better, huh?”
“Got you back here didn’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Turn around and tell me what you need from me.”
“Turn around?”
“Yeah, I don’t wanna fuck you while you’re sad, and your pussy is rubbing on me.”
“If anyone else said that I would find it offensive.”
He smiled. “You and me get each other.”
“Sluts?”
“Nah, sexually charged beings.”
I turned and he pushed me forward. “Lay back, I wanna wash your hair while you tell me everything I missed.”
I told him about the hospital and what the nurse said as I enjoyed his fingers rubbing into my scalp. He pulled me up and rubbed my back and then reached around to my front.
“Did he stay?”
“Yep, I told you he had to, overnight. Probably coming home tomorrow, the next day at the latest depending on how he does.”
“Not him.”
“Oh.”
His hands went back to my shoulders. “I’ll take that as a yes?”
“Yeah.”
“All day?”
“Yes, but I told him to leave.”
“Hmm.”
“I told him to leave.”
I started to stand and he wrapped his legs around me and held me in place.
“I would suggest you stop struggling because it’s doing shit to me, Kitten.”
“Pig.”
“Yeah, a little. Now let me ask you another question, did you tell him you were mine now?”
“Yours?”
“Yes.”
I laughed and he tugged on my hair bringing my head back as he looked over my shoulders and down at me.
“Why is that funny to you?”
“Well you sound like a cross between a two year old and a baboon.”
He smirked. “I’m neither.”
He leaned down and his lips were inches from mine.
“Whose lips should I be kissing?” His whisper hit exactly where he intended.
“Mine,” I whispered back and leaned up wanting his kiss desperately.
He pulled back out of reach. “When will you tell him?”
“Now? Tomorrow?” Whenever you want me too!!!
“You’ll let me.” He stood behind me and stepped out. He grabbed his towel and wrapped it around him and grabbed one for me.
He held his hand out to me and I took it.
“I want to speak to him.”
“That’ll go over well,” I whispered under my breath.
“Are you afraid of him?”
“No, Zandor. Not at all.”
“Then what’s the issue?” He wrapped the towel around me and stepped back.
“I’m a big girl, I can handle it.” I wrapped the towel tighter around me and put my hands on my hips trying to prove my point.
His lips turned up and his eyes rolled slightly. “Bad ass, are you?”
“It’s my problem. I will deal with it.”
“Alone?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Because that’s what you’ve always had to do, Bekah.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He looked around the room and clenched his jaw. He didn’t answer he just started blowing out candles. When he finished he looked up at me and contemplated what he was about to say.
“I am real good at some things. I don’t fumble with anything. You’re making me feel a little less in control than I am comfortable with. What I am saying is that as my Lady friend I will not let someone hurt you. I will be your knight in shining armor, I will be the one to protect you from those who hurt you.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“It’s not up to you. I said we will stand by each other and you agreed. That’s the way it’s gonna be.”
He was getting angry.
“I need to take care of unresolved issues.”
“When will you figure out that there are some issues that you can’t take care of? Your father should have protected you from day one. He isn’t up for the job, it will be my fucking privilege, Bekah, to do that.”
He opened the door for room service and wheeled the cart in.
“Prime Rib, Kitten, for you. Sit, please.”
He turned the song and it was beautiful.
A girl like me could buy into all of what he was saying, hook, line, and sinker. A girl like me would get caught and tossed back weakened to the sharks and make the mistakes of the past over and over again.
The song he played repeated Hello My Old Heart by the Oh Hello’s. He meant for me to hear it.
I sat across from the table eating steak with a beautiful man who was seducing me with his eyes, his words, his promises made in a song. A man who had never done this before. As real as it felt I knew it would end like everything else did. Ugly, sad, and I would be broken.
I knew this would be a fight until the bitter end and I wasn’t ready for that. I chose not to fight with him and enjoy the illusion set before me. For now.